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to be able to handle you is a precise, burdensome art which i have been forced to master
i have harvested the strength and skill to be able to look you in the eye and to endure whatever your subconscious pushes you to do regarding my being
even if it hurt me
i always knew keeping you pleased was the right decision, the only correct option,
i would never be able to stand seeing you hurt with the cause of it being my own ego and my emotions
as pity is the sea that i was drowning in
knowing you would sacrifice everything that is yours for me and drop everything and run to me if i said merely a single word
you would be capable of believing and trusting in everything that came out of my mouth, no matter what it was about
you would let yourself shatter and crumble to dust for me if i wanted it,
and you made yourself suffer and ache with non-stop work, yearning and delusion of thinking that one day you would be able to entirely cure and get rid of my illness daily, disregarding your well-being entirely for my sake,
even if deep down you knew that i wanted you to stop
i do not mean to exalt myself and make myself look wise and all-knowing by admitting this but when it came to you,
i could read through you very easily as if you were an open book
yet i knew that as open as you were, you were that for me and me only
you would not dare to let anyone other than me learn and see what you truly looked like on the inside, beyond the layer of being the seemingly distant, sharp-tongued, unkind doctor that you put around yourself, outwardly appearing indestructible
you allowed yourself to be vulnerable only in my presence because of your strong love towards me, turning me to the only person you could truly trust
i was the only one to know that under that shell, you were truly just a mess whose only thoughts were about me, whose entire world, existence and purpose revolved around me just as the earth revolves around the sun, a mess who was willing to sacrifice an arm and a leg if not more of themselves just for me;
a disaster who has developed an unhealthy obsession over me ever since they layed their eyes upon me for the first time, and neither of us have ever been the same since
knowing that, i felt pity towards you
that specific feeling was the core from which my affection towards you and the sacrifice of my mental stability for your safety stemmed and flourished, blossoming so vividly that it seemed only natural, real and genuine
one true and authentic thing grew out of that sad emotion, that being endurance
the show of perfection, collectiveness and love i constantly put up made me build my durability, causing me to be tolerant enough to deal with the pain that came from your obsession and be able to make myself look and seem perfect on the outside
although what didnt disappear with it was the constant and growing need to escape
i always wanted to somehow run away from the situation that i was placed in, yet i couldnt, nor did i know how to do so
i had nowhere to run to, no one to speak to
at some point i did consider somehow shattering myself or letting myself be taken by the lunarians in battle, yet not only did i not have enough time because of my persistently worsening condition
i also knew that you would not be able to take it, and i did not want to outright hurt you like that at that time
it seemed like i was completely stuck, yet the need to flee never faltered even if i was convinced that i would never be able to do so
well, as you and i know it turned out to be different than expected, as i didnt have to do anything while another gem has helped me and my longing
i will forever be grateful and indebted to them for taking me to the moon with them while i was comatose
its really as if they knew my internal struggle all along and decided to help me and pull me out of my pain
helping them might have looked like betrayal to you and the others, when it was nothing but a way to express my gratitude
as they have helped me and pulled me out out of the deep sea i have almost drowned in
hopefully it is understandable.