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"You're... Too troublesome. Couldn't you stay still for a second?" Liu Qingge growled in annoyance, dragging her by the sleeve away from the beast they (he) had just defeated.
"Sorry for trying to do my part in the mission we were both assigned, Liu–shidi." She murmured dejectedly, not really knowing the reason for her discomfort.
Ever since she had come into this world, into this... Body, she had not stopped feeling extremely useless. And having her shidi, her stupidly powerful and strong shidi reminding her every five minutes of what a burden she was did nothing to help the lump that had been growing in her throat since the trip began.
It was a relief that this would be the last night they would spend together. A trip back to the mountain and she wouldn't have to see him until next month to be helped again with Without-a-cure.
Once the man let go of her, further away from the previous unpleasant scenario, Shen Qingqiu dramatically rubbed her arm.
"Rude. You don't know how to treat a lady." She muttered, simply looking away so she wouldn't have to see her shidi's face.
"I don't want to know how to treat one either." He snarled, crossing his arms over his chest.
While she had considered that her shidi had an unusual aversion to anything that was not worth fighting with, now she is perhaps considering that this man may actually dislike women in general. She could see why. In this harem world where the protagonist would take all the ladies, Liu Qingge had no place in the love market. That's not her concern... But she was still curious.
"That way you'll never have a wife." She said, just to reply something. It wasn't difficult for her to win arguments with him... Only because she was more persistent, and he couldn't seem to hold a decent conversation for more than five minutes before storming off.
"... I don't want one anyway."
Liu Qingge wasn't sure why the other was talking about this. At what point did the conversation take that turn? He was just trying to protect her! This foolish woman had not stopped getting into trouble since they had started the trip. Trying strange foods that intoxicated her and left her in bed for three days, or sneaking around to draw the wild beasts in her stupid bestiary. How was it possible for a person to be so careless? It seems like she wants to go to the same place her favorite disciple went!
But... when it came to the idea of having a wife, that silly woman was the only one that came to mind. Maybe it was because she was the only one who he liked... Just a bit! Not too much! After all, it was for a reason that he had accepted this mission to cheer her up after the death of her lapdog disciple.
After a few moments of silence, Liu Qingge finally looked at Shen Qingqiu. Under the moonlight, she didn't look especially happy. That face of resignation reappeared after being distracted from her grief for a while... When would he be able to erase it completely?
"Is it... Because a wife would be a burden?"
Liu Qingge simply nodded.
"But... There would always be someone waiting at home for you. You would have someone to make you food, and uhm... Children, I guess..."
She found herself thinking what a wife is for, but the most important thing about one never crossed her mind. She knew that this was a vague description, a very sexist description, but appropriate for the time. Although... she couldn't see beyond it either. She wasn't sure if Liu Qingge deep down longed for any of those things that a wife gives, and for some reason she hoped he didn't. She herself could never have a wife, so she had stopped thinking about love a long time ago, since her body had stopped being the one from a straight young man, to that of a lady with no future.
"Nonsense. Why are you saying these things all of a sudden? Is it that you long to be a wife?"
As honest as ever, Liu-shidi!
She blushed brightly, turning away so she wouldn't have to face him. She had left her fan in the inn room... Ah, silly, silly woman, man, or whatever Shen Yuan was now!
This attitude did not go unnoticed by the other. He could feel his own heart fill with pride at finally making this (not so much anymore) peerless woman act more cheerfully again. This one did seem to be more like herself, not that dull creature that had been inhabiting the bamboo hut for months.
"I— I don't! This one is definitely not qualified to be one in the first place."
That was the only thing she could force herself to say. What a stupid assumption! Why would she (a very straight man in her heart) want to be a wife!? She had no feminine virtues! This body was the only thing that made her be a woman, nothing more! No matter... No matter how much she tried to be one.
Liu Qingge is not thrilled by the idea of her being someone else's wife, so he doesn't try to contradict her. Shen Qingqiu can't help but feel a bit bad about his silence.
Was she really such a bad attempt of a woman? She was truly trying her best! It was not her fault that these people were so strict with women! Or that Shen Yuan didn't really knew many women before this life! Was this how she was supposed to feel always? So dejected, so unworthy? Always a burden, never good enough...
Shen Qingqiu would never be able to be a wife, or a husband, or a lover, or a mother, father, whatever... She would die before having time to love someone, before being able to have a family again.
Liu Qingge would never understand the feeling of running out of time.
He would never understand the feeling of being born to be seen as an inferior being, without being able to do anything to change it. Only being born again could fix the permanent pain in her heart. Being the perfect example for an immortal lady wasn't enough. She would never be enough... No matter what she did!
"Mn... That's right. You're not qualified."
Shen Qingqiu had forgotten that they were having a conversation. She only remembered it when she had her shidi in front of her, looking down at her with that pretty face of his. It was hard to know what he was thinking... But it was always hard with him. Everything was easy when they were together, except reading his face.
"You are definitely not a burden."
Suddenly, she felt something warm on her head.
Liu qingge had seen her caress her disciples' heads like this before. Maybe this would work as a temporary solution to that tragic expression of hers. He wasn't really sure. He had never tried to comfort anyone before... But this time, he would try.
"But... I wouldn't mind if you waited for me at home."
Perhaps... She could try a little harder, in this new life of hers.