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In the absence of pain he forgot what it felt like to hurt. Benrey hadn't seen this place in quite awhile, the red light of the hallway pierced his eyes in a way he’d never experienced elsewhere besides this place, if you dared to even call it one. The hallway walls were small and cramped, white walls painted red by the piercing glow of the lightbulb at the beginning of the hallway, only interrupted by the door at the end of it. In the roughly three months he had been together with Gordon, Benreys nightmares had, for the most part, subsided. The closest he would have to a nightmare was almost having to hold a conversation with the blue gnome, but otherwise he would usually not have many bad experiences. He didn't know what was different about tonight, if anything, to cause him to be back here, all he knew was that he was already sick of it. He knew the routine, “wake up” in the hallway, go into the room with the screens, door disappears, existential dread blah blah blah, get teleported to that weird deteriorating beach then wake up. It sucked but he was used to it, he just had to get it over with already.
Benrey had tried in the past to not engage with the dream, to simply stay put instead of going in that room. His plan would never pan out as the hallway in this dream would begin to slowly shorten, forcing Benrey to confront the room no matter what eventually. Once he had even tried to force himself to be crushed by the hallway in an act of defiance against his own imagination, but that didn't work either. That time the door had simply deleted itself, forcing him into the room. With a groan Benrey stood up and began slowly walking down the hallway while grumbling,unknowingly fiddling with his hoodie strings.
“Stupid brain couldnt even do something original.. fuckin’..loser.”
He mumbled as he walked down the hallway, the eerie silence highlighting each footstep against the concrete. When he reached the end of the hallway he looked at the door knob with a visible scowl for a few moments before proceeding any further. With a sigh he twisted the doorknob and opened the door. As he was about to step inside he glanced up and was quickly stopped dead in his tracks. What he saw wasn't the harrowing screens he had become accustomed to in these dreams, no. His eyes were assaulted by the bright clinical lights emanating from the room. He was about to back away into the hallway out of instinct like a cornered animal, but before he got the chance he found himself pushed into the room, not even getting the chance to see by what before the doorway disappeared entirely.
This isn't the way the nightmare goes.
His heart was racing, as he looked up his suspicions were confirmed, doing nothing to help the shaking that had begun in his hands. The room wasn't anything like what it had been before, no screens, no concrete floor, no red light. No. The flickering fluorescents were bright, blinding, surgical. The air smelled sterile, stagnant and stale. As stood up and gained his bearings, there he saw, in the middle of the room, a lone operating table. He slowly stepped backwards, loud tapping from his footsteps on the tile.
No.
No This is wrong.
He surveyed the room further in a panic, this wasn't an actual operating room, as evidenced by the old claw marks on the walls. The scene was littered with dried patches of what was once viscous deep blue blood, some in corners, some in the scratch marks on the walls from when he had first arrived in the facility desperate for escape, and a large pool of it on the operating table.
He knew it.
It was his old chamber.
As old haunting memories surged in, he unconsciously went to grab at his hoodie strings again, only to find they had been replaced by an all too familiar hospital gown. His breathing was getting uneven and frenzied, he looked around frantically for any sign of escape, but much like its counterpart in reality, the chamber had none available to him.
No no no no no.
He gazed up at the observation window in the front of his room, there he saw two shadowy figures chatting amongst themselves, completely indifferent to Benrey’s imprisonment.
“-cently. Its response to sub zero temperatures proved effective in subduing it temporarily. They’re saying by Wednesday they’ll have integrated freezing procedures into its enclosure.”
Oh he hated when they did that. When they spoke about him as if he wasn't there, as if he couldn’t understand them. They knew damn good and well he was in there, listening and watching. He really shouldn't have, but he banged against the glass angrily in response. He had a hard time remembering the last time he had truly been angry was, he supposed it was when the whole evil Powerade thing had happened and Adrian had..
Huh.
It always leads back here, doesn't it?
The figures did not respond to Benrey’s outburst, it seemed like they didn’t even hear it. He wasn’t acknowledged in any way other than the scientific guise of the two figures conversation. Benrey didn't know if that was better or worse for him at this moment.
“Two weeks too late! We’re lucky Dr. Birdwell hasn't sued the pants off of this facility after 84’s last outburst!”
Benrey scoffed.
“Maybe Dr. Birdwell shouldn’t have tried to put an ice pick through my head and then he wouldn’t have deserved it.”
Still crickets from the figures regarding Benreys communication to them. It was a special kind of dehumanization that made Benrey’s blood boil.
“Yes, an unfortunate situation, but that is not of our concern. What is of our concern is which of us will be testing the anti xenian matter ropes on 84 in just a moment-“
“Not it!”
“Are they actually treating my captivity like a fucking game?”
Benrey exclaimed astonishedly to himself.
“Please, this is not how we decide matters like this here-“
“Snooze you lose Backman! Good luck!”
The other figure said hurriedly, shoving the other figure into Benrey’s enclosure and tossing the aforementioned ropes in with him. They quickly tried to scramble to their feet before tripping over the ropes they were meant to grab.
The figure quickly but timidly grabbed the ropes afterwards and looked at Benrey in his eyes.
“N-now..let's er.. not make this any harder than it needs to be,hm?”
Benrey didn’t know why he did it, he hadn't tried to do this to anyone in so long, but his mind wasn't all too there anymore, overtaken by pure adrenaline and learned behavior. A deep instinctive reaction inside of him had him snarl like a rabid dog.
-ry..
Had him inch in closer.
-enry..?
Had him bear his teeth and lunge, swiftly taking that defenseless man's neck into his jaws as he flailed desperately to escape to no avail.
“N-no! Please!”
And had him CRUNCH.
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“BENREY!”
“H-huh?!”
Benrey shouted as he shot up from the bed hurriedly, panicked, shaking.
“What-uh..whuh??”
“Dude, I was trying to wake you! You were having a really shitty dream or something you-you were like..shaking and talking in your sleep and- you!..well you uh..got these..”
Gordon said, gently taking Benrey’s hand in his and holding it up to his face, showing Benrey that he had subconsciously formed long sharp murky claws in his sleep. A pang of shame went through Benrey, nervous that he could have hurt the man next to him with them.
“I..was worried.”
Gordon said looking down dejectedly.
Benrey just looked at him surprised for a moment in silence, shape shifting his claws away before doing anything.
“Uh- sorry if I woke you up for nothing man-“
Benrey practically tackled him into a hug.
“W-woah!-“
Benrey held him close, still shaking, breath still uneven, but grateful. Gordon looked at him, worry evident in every inch of his face, he hadn't seen him this worked up since he came home that night after he had been missing. He gently wrapped his arms around Benrey and began to slowly rub circles into his back.
“It's ok, you’re here, you’re here..”
He murmured softly to him.
It was moments like this Gordon really wished he had sweet voice like his friends did, that wouldn't stop him from doing his best to calm Benrey down the old fashioned way. They sat like that for about three minutes until Gordon spoke up.
“Hey.. can you speak?”
Gordon asked softly.
Benrey made a “so so” hand gesture in response.
“Alright that's fine..do you need water or anything?”
Benrey shook his head no quickly.
“Mm..stay please?”
He mumbled, pressing in closer. Gordon reached around him for a hair tie on his nightstand and quickly threw his hair into his signature low ponytail before replying.
“I can do both, you know?”
Benrey cocked his head confused in reply before Gordon scooped him up into his arms off of the bed. Ah, right, being way lighter than humans had its benefits.
“Is this alright?”
Gordon asked softly.
A single nod yes in reply.
“Alright, good, good..”
He whispered
Gordon slowly and carefully carried Benrey to the kitchen, softly setting him down in a seat at the kitchen table while Gordon went to pour him a cup.
The scene from his dream, no.. nightmare, wouldn't stop replying in his head, he thought he was past this! He had been doing the stupid therapy thing, he had started being more open with people and he had gotten a job far away from black mesa! So why did he do it?! Why was he giving that place any thought at all?! He had felt like he was back there again, his rationalities taken back to the past with him, but that excuse wasn't good enough for him. He was trying so hard to get better and do better, he didn't want to be like how he was back then anymore. He didn’t want to be..
Unbeknownst to Benrey a sorrowful grimace had fallen on his face as he thought, a grimace that didn't go unnoticed by his lover. A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder, temporarily snapping him out of it, just for a moment.
“Here you go man;”
Gordon said as he handed Benrey his glass of water.
“Do you uh..wanna tell me what's bothering you?”
He questioned gently. A few seconds of silence filled the room as Benrey took a sip from the cup before he spoke out in a hushed, uncharacteristically timid tone.
“Do you think I'm still ..bad?”
He asked, bracing himself for the worst as he made eye contact with the floor.
The question had taken Gordon by complete surprise, without thinking he shouted out, a little louder then he needed to;
“NO!”
Benrey flinched back in surprise from the volume. Ok, Big reaction.
“No, sorry I-.. I just.. of course not Benrey! You know that dont you?”
Gordon asked gently, a twinge of sorrow in his voice. Benrey flashed a guilty look in response.
“How am I supposed to know you’re telling the truth bro?”
Benrey asked in a quiet, shakey tone that made Gordons heart ache. Gordon softly but firmly took Benreys hands in his and looked him deep in the eyes as he spoke.
“How are you supposed to know? Look around, man! If you were “bad” you wouldn't be sharing a bed with me, if you were “bad” you wouldn't be anywhere near Joshua, in fact Benrey if you were “bad” you wouldn't even be in this house! The more I think about it, the more I don't even think you were ever bad in the first place! You just had a lot going on and we didn’t know! Well.. I.. didn't know. Even if you had been “bad” before, which you weren’t, you’re clearly trying to not be anymore, and someone who's “bad” wouldn't give a shit if they were or not.”
Benrey had only ever cried twice in his life, it wasn't because he was repressed or anything, he just didn't do it often, but god if he claimed what Gordon said didn't make him get close to it for the 3rd time he would be a liar. He just looked Gordon in the eyes for a moment, astonished, eventually breaking the silence with one word.
“Hug?”
You didn't need to ask Gordon twice. He quickly wrapped his arms around his lover tightly, Benrey returning the favor immediately. Gordons hugs were perfect in Benrey’s opinion, he was always perfectly warm as opposed to Benrey who always ran cooler. In addition, Gordon could squeeze Benrey as tightly as he wanted without having to worry if he would be ok because that was just how Benrey liked it. He always smelled nice too, the head and shoulders mixed with his natural smell was absolutely heavenly to Benrey. His presence was just generally comforting, proving to be perfect for Benrey in this moment, he honestly couldn't get enough.
They sat for maybe thirty whole seconds like that silently in each other's embrace before Benrey finally pulled away.
“Mm, thankyou.”
He mumbled.
“Of course, man. Do you.. wanna talk about what got you all upset?”
Gordon said, finally pulling up the other kitchen chair and sitting down.
“S’just a stupid nightmare, dumb idiot brain finally got bored I guess, I dunno. I haven't had one in like three months. It just uh.. sucked more then usual. It was about uh..”
He hesitated.
He hated giving that place the luxury of even a little space in his memory, but it obviously couldn’t be helped. He sighed and continued.
“Black Mesa.. when I was uh.. still being all poked and prodded n’ shit. Sucked.”
His hands began a slight tremble again despite how cool he tried to play his emotions now.
Gordons face displayed clear worry as he went and grabbed Benrey’s hands again, stopping the shaking again and helping him to continue.
“It was like.. part nightmare, part memory, so.. my brain wasn't even being creative, massive L. But uh.. I just.. uh. I did something bad and it sucked. The end.”
Benrey exclaimed curtly at the end, darting his eyes away.
Gordon gave Benrey a sympathetic gaze and held his hands a little tighter comfortingly.
“You don't have to tell me what you did if you don't want to, but you do know nothing you would say would change my view of you right?”
Fuck that almost made him tear up again. Benrey nodded, taking a few seconds before continuing.
“They had sent a guy in to try to test a new way to detain me, it was like a prototype or whatever for ropes with the tech from the emancipation grids. He had been unprepared and I.. I just like..snapped, bro. I wasnt.. they didn’t…”
He sighed.
“I guess after not being treated like a person for a while I had kinda leaned into it since they wouldn't listen if I didn’t and.. I..I…
…
I crushed his neck with my bare fucking teeth, man. He didn’t.. they all.. I shouldn't've. It was bad. It was so bad. I was bad.”
For a brief moment he felt like a monster all over again, completely enraptured by his own thoughts. He was so sure Gordon would shun him after the admission, but he simply pulled him in for another hug, resting his head on Benreys shoulder as he spoke.
“Maybe, but it was all you knew. It wasn't your fault, they shouldn’t have done what they did and you wouldn’t have reacted that way in the first place.”
Benrey felt vindicated. Yes he knew all those things but it made him feel better to have someone else say it, let alone someone he loved.
“Mm.. thank you.”
He murmured, hugging Gordon back again.
“Don't need to thank me for telling the truth. Wanna go back to bed? It's uh..”
Gordon looked around before his eyes settled on the digital clock on the stove, he let out a small hiss in response to the time.
“1 am.”
“Will you carry me back like the pretty princess I am?”
Benrey questioned jokingly, fluttering his eyes for dramatic effect.
Gordon let out a snort, slamming his hand on the table while trying to stop himself from loudly snickering, Benrey loved being able to force a laugh out of him.
“Psh, Yeah of course sleeping beauty, come on.”
He chuckled, scooping Benrey back up into his arms while Benrey carried his cup.
“Sick.”
He replied.
In a few moments they were back in their room. Gordon carefully set Benrey down on his side of the bed before taking out his ponytail and crawling under the covers with him. Benrey absolutely adored the way his soft curls framed his face, it looked angelic in the low light. He was serious about Gordon wearing his hair down more often. That was a matter for another time though, all that mattered to Benrey right now was wrapping himself around his boyfriend.
God that felt so good to say.
Gordon quietly snuggled him back before speaking in a soft whisper.
“Feeling better?”
“Mmmhm..”
He mumbled back, clearly getting tired all over again. How was he supposed to feel anything else when he has the world's best living teddy bear of a man right next to him? He really considered himself lucky. He nuzzled in closer.
“Thankyou.., knight in shining armor n’shit bro..pretty cool. Saving the day and what not, pretty sick.”
Gordon chuckled in response
“Pfft, yeah man I'll be your knight in shining armor.”
“That was gay as hell.”
“YOU-!”
He could see Benrey hide a shiteating grin under the covers.
“Yeah, what about me?”
Benrey taunted.
“Oh shut up.”
Gordon mumbled, clearly suppressing a laugh.
“Is this the part where I say “make me” then we makeout?”
Benrey questioned non seriously, still dawning that stupid smile.
“THAT was gay as hell!”
Gordon exclaimed.
“Sounds like someone is projecting, I've never done anything gay ever in my life.”
…
“Anyways I love you goodnight.”
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