Chapter Text
18 year old Dan Howell stood nervously at the train station where he and Phil had agreed to meet. It was their fourth time seeing each other in person, but this time felt different. Dan's heart raced, his palms going slightly numb from fear and anxiety, and a knot had formed in his stomach.
He felt physically ill. He had never felt like this with anyone before. Should he just go home? Dan couldn't shake the feeling of unease that had settled over him since he woke up that morning in a puddle of sweat and now that he was going to Phil's house for the first time, alone.
Memories drowned out his current thoughts to the ones of the first time they met online, exchanging messages about Muse, Final Fantasy and spending hundreds of hours on Skype. They had quickly become close by sharing everything from their deepest fears to their silliest jokes, of course Dan's deepest fear was the churn in his stomach everytime the word gay was mentioned, but now that they were meeting face to face again, Dan couldn't ignore the nagging voice in his head telling him that something was wrong, he didn't think he could stomach it.
"BEN VOLIO!" Phil's cheerful voice broke through Dan's morbid thoughts with the lighthearted reference to his theatre work, something he had been brave enough to share with Phil. He looked up to see his friend approaching with a bright smile on his face,
"Hey, Phil," Dan replied, forcing a smile of his own as he tried to push aside his anxious thoughts.
They hugged briefly before beginning to walk towards where the buses were taken from, but Dan couldn't shake the feeling of tension between them. He fidgeted with his band bracelets to soothe himself for even just a second. Avoiding Phil's gaze was hard as he struggled to find the right words to say. Dan resulted to chewing on the skin of his lip, another nervous habit the taller of the two had.
"Is everything okay, Dan?" Phil asked, concern beaming from his voice. "You seem a bit... weird today."
Dan hesitated, Phil sure could of worded that better, weird wasn't always the best word to be described as. Unsure of how to respond. He wanted to tell Phil the truth, to finally tell him every malicious thought inside his mind, the feelings that had been swirling inside him for years. The fear of rejection and judgement held him back, keeping him trapped in his own little bubble of self doubt and denial.
"I'm fine, Phil, really." Dan finally spoke up, forcing a smile that just felt more awkward. "Just a bit tired, I guess. I was up all night playing DDR!" Dan shifted the conversation to one of his interests as he scratched the back of his neck, feeling the heat of it from embarrassment.
Phil studied him for a moment, as if trying to decipher the truth hidden behind Dan's words. But then he simply nodded, accepting the explanation without pressing further. "Well our bus is here!" Phil could tell there was something more behind the current mood and the shifted eyes from Dan, was Phil doing something wrong?
Both of the boys showed their bus tickets and then Dan sat on the inside seat, the bus was in rows of twos and quite cramped. The ride was passed in a blur, filled with awkward silences, forced conversation, clashing knees from both being awkwardly lanky and looking out the bus window about a million times. Dan couldn't shake the feeling that he was lying to himself and to Phil, he would never want to hurt Phil, pretending to be someone he wasn't in order to avoid facing the truth.
As they got closer to Phil's house, Dan felt worry wash over him, his face turned white and all colour was drained. He knew that he couldn't continue living in denial forever, that he needed to confront his own internalized homophobia and embrace his true self, no matter the consequences.
But for now, he pushed those thoughts aside, burying them deep within him. They both thanked the bus driver and got off. Dan was here to have fun, not to shove all of his jarring thoughts and hide away a part of himself, he felt wrong for feeling this way, why did he always feel wrong?
Phil started conversation, "so, my parents are gone for an entire week! which means I can eat as much cereal as I want!" Phil talked a lot with hand actions which made Dan laugh a little bit, his mind wandered to the comment of his parents not being there, "what about your brother?", Dan had added as they trenched up the hill Phil had spoken about before, it was really getting tiring.
"Martyn went with them, just us I guess! Plenty of loud music for us then." Phil smiled as he fixed his flannel and hands into his pocket. Frost was nipping at both of their noses and making them as little red. 'Cute', Phil thought to himself before tearing his eyes away and smiling, the silence wasn't awkward anymore until the thoughts of being left alone in Phil's house creeped up on him. Did Phil want to do something with him? Why would he even want to come near Dan? That's how the brown haired boy's brain worked.
All of this was put away for now as Dan stopped and took a breath. "I'm so tired, mate" He barked out a laugh and squatted for a second, feeling his lungs burning, "literally the most exercise i've done in about 15 years." They shared a laugh. It wasn't exhaustion that gnawed at Dan's insides. It was the fear that lingered in the depths of his mind, the fear of being seen, of being judged, of being rejected.
The chilly wind swirled in the sky as Dan and Phil finally made it to Phil's house. The sky was a canvas of contrasting blues, mirroring how Phil's eyes were seen through Dan's point of view.
Phil cleared his throat, his voice gentle as he took his house keys and shoved them in the lock, they came from inside of his Captain America wallet, classic Phil, he was so endearing. The door was finally opened and the expected house smell wafted to Dan's nostrils, it felt like home as he stood at the entrance. "Well are you gonna come in or not? I can leave you out there all night to become a- Snow Dan!" Phil's arms were crossed in fake disapproval as he motioned for the other to walk in, it was nipping Dan's skin as it was so much warmer in here now, he had laughed at Phil's bad attempt at a joke, of course he would be the one to laugh.
"Come on, let's go upstairs" Phil closed the front door and they both walked upstairs to his bedroom with the vibrant green carpet, it was weird being in the bedroom of the person he'd been thinking about for months now. This was literally AmazingPhil's bedroom and this made Dan think for a moment, how many untold stories that have happened in here, this was his childhood home.
Phil's face lit up with a grin as he gestured around the room. "Welcome to my humble abode, Daniel!" This was like a grand announcement.
Dan couldn't help but chuckle at Phil's enthusiasm, "You're acting like you're the queen or something, getting on like that." Dan smiled so hard he thought his face might fall off.
"It's... certainly unique," Dan remarked, a playful glint in his brown eyes. "Definitely giving the 'Hey I'm AmazingPhil!' vibe."
Phil beamed, his chest puffing out with pride. "Exactly how I envisioned it, it's a reflection of my personality, don't judge"
As Dan wandered further into the room, he couldn't help but feel a sense of awe at the trinkets and endless posters that littered Phil's space, he wanted to stay here forever. Dan looked around at the vibrant colors that surrounded him before asking, "Can I sit on your bed?" Phil seemed baffled by this question, "of course you can, it's your house too!" Phil said in a not literal way. This made Dan think about where life would take them, he wanted to live in a forever home with Phil, but maybe he was thinking too far ahead.