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r/relationships 7 mo. ago
u/GuitarRiffs
I [21M] am worried that I might be homophobic towards my roommate [21M]. Any advice?
NON-ROMANTIC
I’ll start this off with a warning because all of you on here might fire off on me from the title alone; I didn’t think I’m the type to discriminate until now. I had a big crush on this girl and she turned out to be lesbian, and I took that pretty well. She’s a very good friend now. I never ever thought of her differently just because she likes girls. I’m also surrounded with queer people on the daily. Being an arts major does that to you ig. I never felt weird about them being flirty or touchy with me at all. So, this whole thing is coming out of nowhere.
Now, to the part I need advice on. My roommate and I have known each other for a long time. We were actually classmates since highschool, and we moved in together during second year of college since we figured itd be cheaper. He’s been the best roommate, always helping around with chores and even cooking me food bc I can’t cook for shit. Me and him go way back, and I knew he was gay since first year college.
This fact never really bothered me. He came out and nothing really changed. At one poimt, we both warmed up to each other enough to joke around about it. To paint you guys a better pictyre:
- He would jokingly call me his “malewife”
- He’d always cling onto me when we’re together in the flat, and I’d sometimes do the same to him
- He’d joke around and say that none of the other queer dudes around should hit on me bc I have him
Mind you, none of these things ever made me uncomfortable. I’d even jokingly flirt back sometimes. I was never threatened by this nor did I ever feel like it was too much. He knew I was straight, I knew he was gay, and we’re just two clowe friends.
So it was never a problem. But then, he started bringing guys over to the flat recently. It wasn’t a problem; he can sleep with whoever he wantef to sleep with. It’s none of my business. At least, it wasn’t a problem until recently.
You see, my roommate is attractive. Like, EXTREMELY attractive. He’d get stopped in the middle of the streets to be asked for his socials by girls and guys. He’d sometimes get free drinks from bartenders when we go to pubs because of how pretty he is. Not only that, but he’s also extremely smart and talented. He’s a little insufferable, but he can get into anybody’s pants if he wanted to.
And he usually did. But when he did, he was discreet about it. Like, I genuinely don’t even know he was with somepne until I see a dude walk out of his bedroom with messy hair and my roommate’s favorite chapstick on his lips. I don’t hear or see a thing until it ends. But recently, he’s been a lot less slick about it. It didn’t bother me before, but seeing all those different guys coming and leaving our apartment really pissed me off and made me sick in the stomach recently.
Like, there was this time last week when I came back from a class, and I walked in on him making out with a dude on our couch. I came home a little bit earlier than I usually did, so he probably didn’t expect me, but watching him on another guy’s lap made me really nauseous. He and the other guy was really embarrassed, and I just brushed it off even if it really bothered me because I was embarrassed too (and its not like I can say I feel very homophobic towards him at that moment!)
Listen, I feel really disgusted that I’m this disgusted with seeing my roommate make out with guys. I have ZERO reason to be acting like this, I know. I have queer friends, and I’ve been to enough parties to know how much they like making out with their SOs. But still, I really just cant keep off this annoying reaction.
At first I thought it was just because I was surprised to see it. Maybe I just wasnt used to seeing him like that, right?
WRONG, apparently. That make out incident wasnt the first and is certainly not the last time I felt like that when I walked in on my roommate in a compromising situation. It wasn’t common enough for me to confront him about it, but it still drives me up the wall every time I see him with dudes.
And usually I would just keep it in or ask my friends for advice instead, but just yesterday, I walked in on a dude leaving the apartment. It was obvious what they did, and the guy was being polite to me as I took my shoes off and he put his shoes on. But I was embarrassingly rude (I can’t even remember what I said, but it was even ruder than what was normal for me, and that says a lot), and it was clear to the other guy that I was pissed off. My roommate noticed too, because he confronted me and asked me why I was being such a douche (he said it way more nicely than that, but that was the essence of it) and I couldn’t even give him a proper reply.
Even I didn’t know why I reacted like that, so I couldn’t really reply to him. So my roommate asks another question; if I was bothered with him sleeping with other guys. I said I wasn’t. It must have ticked him off or something because I could tell that he wasn’t in his usual good mood. He said something along the lines of “then you don’t mind if we just do these things at his place, then?” I told him I didn’t give a fuck on who he fucks, and that I must just ve having a bad day, and that’s why I was acting like this. But even when I said that, I felt sick at the thought of it.
Tonight, he didn’t hang out with me when we would usually have our movie night. My roommate never flaked out on a plan we had in all the years we’ve been friends. He’s always told me beforehand if he cant make it or if we have to cancel. Tonight it’s just radio silence, though. I’m worried this may be affecting our relationship a lot more than I thought it would.
How can I resolve this? I never thought I would be the type to be homophobic when I’ve always been active in fighting for LGBT rights with my friends. I really don’t want to ruin my friendship with him over this type of thing. Have you dealt with anything like this? How did you fix it? Any advice?
tldr; my longtime friend and roommate is gay and I’ve been feeling really pissed off when I see him with other guys. How do I stop being such a douche/homophobic asshole?
u/morningdew • 7 mo. ago
OP, my guy, I’m gonna say this as kindly as possible, but have you ever thought about questioning UR sexuality?
u/GuitarRiff • 7 mo. ago
I gave it some thought already and I don’t think I might be gay
u/izazazac • 7 mo. ago
Just because you like guys doesn’t mean you’re automatically gay. There’s a lot of other labels like pansexual, bisexual, and demisexual!
u/hhhhhhhuuhyuna • 7 mo. ago
have you ever considered that he might be trying to get into YOUR pants and make YOU jealous? : D
on a more serious note, have you ever thought about if you never found him personally attractive? the way you speak about him sounds very cute and fond! ^^ i wouldnt rule this one out because the “disgusted” feelings seem to be specifically about your roommate only!
u/GuitarRiff • 7 mo. ago
But wouldnt it be weird that I’ve never found other guys attractive? My lesbian friend likes to say that things change, and sexuality is fluid, but at the same time, she said she always knew she was lesbian from when she was young… Meanwhile, I only ever found girls attractive.
u/hhhhhhhuuhyuna • 7 mo. ago
theres always a first for everything! you’ll never know if you dont even try to think about it :)) and if you didnt know what to look for, how would you know it? from the sound of it, you find your roommate very attractive!
u/lookaway • 7 mo. ago
this is why gays are useless. why are you both boyfailures, just kiss already
r/relationships 5 mo. ago
u/GuitarRiffs
UPDATE: I [21M] am worried that I might be homophobic towards my roommate [21M]. Any advice?
That night I made the post, I called over my lesbian friend, let’s call her Liz [F20]. When she came over, she immediately noticed that I was down in the dumps and asked me about it.
I told her all about the post and made her read it. I kid you guys not, she looked at me in silence for a while before calling me an oblivious walnut. She said its so obvious that I had a crush on my roommate, which is what many of you guys were saying in the previous post.
She walked me through it and it took staying up until sunrise and a few cans of beer for me to conclude that I’m not as straight as I thought I was. She also argued that it was obvious my roommate likes me back. Case in point: him provoking me into feeling jealous and his “joke” flirting with me. We didn’t talk about it for too long, though, because I was still very shocked and couldn’t really process things properly.
Then I just started sitting on my hands for a few weeks. My roommate toned it down, and I rarely ever see him with other guys. That also meant I rarely ever saw him, period, though. He still acts really nice to me, makes me meals, cleans up after us, and even brings me coffee to class, but it’s obvious that ny actions made a dent in our friendship. For example, our movie nights started to dwindle, and we rarely spend breakfast together anymore.
And I know I should’ve planned it more, but I ended up telling him one day. For anyone wondering, I did it after we watched ALIEN STAGE, because nothing says romance more than watching gay people die tragically for each other because of yearning. He kinda looked dumbfounded when I started word vomiting about my feelings, which was cute, but also mortifying. I can’t even type out the things I said to him.
Anyway, he found it really cute and funny that I thought I was homophobic when really, I was just jealous. He’s never let me live it down since.
So, if it isn’t clear yet; we’re dating! He found my old post recently and asked me if this is my post, which is what reminded me that you guys might want an update. So, yeah. We got our happy little gay ending.
tldr; it turns out I don’t mind seeing my roommate kiss guys if it’s me he’s kissing.