Chapter Text
„What makes someone good, in your opinion?“
The question takes her off guard, so much that she stops chewing her snack and takes a moment to let it echo. She and Dovey are sitting outside on their office’s balcony – Clarissa’s idea, and she has yet to tell her that she loves it – enjoying the last glimpses of the sun before they will both call it a day.
It’s not secret the two of them are working together more closely than before. What Lesso is adamant to keep quite about is the fact that she likes it. That she likes Dovey, her presence, in fact needs it. Her.
So maybe THAT’S why the question has her completely baffled. Clarissa Dovey, previously pretentious all-knowing fairy godmother asking her for her opinion.
„Where is that coming from?“, she therefore asks.
Dovey turns her head, opening her mouth to say something, but she is quicker to attack – because this was what was trained into her. The only way to survive, to secure her own safety, is attacking. Especially with the one person on this planet whom she cannot seem to think properly around. „And since when do you care about what I think?“
Her colleague’s features drop from interested and slightly melancholic to what Lesso can only identify as deeply resignated. „I have always cared about that“, she says – and surprises Lesso yet again.
Everything about her tells her to scoff, to sneer, and to not believe her. But as she looks into Dovey’s sunlight eyes, eyes that look more like chestnuts than dark chocolate or polished onyx in the evening setting, she sees pure honesty.
She means it.
And that’s the dangerous thing. Dovey … wakes things in her, parts of herself she knows she shouldn’t show anyone else. Dovey who could smile at her and she would voluntarily throw herself into danger, just to protect her.
And that is certainly not very evil of her. It’s only one of those traits that prove exactly that …
„I’d say it’s …“ She decides to answer the fucking question and not get sucked into this void of hopelessness again. Especially not with Clarissa right next to her. „It SHOULD be when that person does things for others without awaiting anything in return. Someone who cares about others even when they hurt them.“ She swallows, as she realizes she is about to say something that is particularly close to how she reads the woman beside her. „Who goes beyond taking care of others all while never thinking about herself.“
And she loves that about her. She loves it and she hates it. Because one day, she fears, it’ll bring her into danger, and that means SHE would be in danger, too. Because she’d do everything in her power to get Dovey out of it.
Well.
If only that were the reason.
It would make her evil, at least, to only do things for her own agenda.
The fact that she would most likely kill herself if anything would ever happen to Dovey … it’s certainly not grounded in tit-for-tat.
„In order words, I think you are a pretty good example.“ And because she doesn’t trust herself with looking at Dovey any longer, she turns away, her eyes fixed on the sun and the forest, and takes three gulps of her wine.
She wants to be honest with her – wanted to for an eternity, and now she at least gets a chance – so she swallows her pride and IS.
Silence spreads between them. It’s tense enough for Lesso’s senses to tingle, for her anxiety to trip and fall down an imaginary staircase, her brain to spiral.
Did she say something wrong? She didn’t insult her, didn’t she?
Because while she is great at doing that on purpose, she thinks – hopes – the part of hers that’s Leonora and not Lady Lesso is still prominently, vividly alive and would help her to distinguish.
It would be much easier were that identity gone, completely washed out of her brain by Rafal, wiped out.
But it isn’t. And no one can ever know …
Except she wants Dovey to know.
Dovey who is looking at her, eyes wide and shiney, lips slightly parted as if whatever she said was the last thing she would have ever expected to hear.
„I …“ She swallows. „Thank you.“
„What. Would you have wanted me to answer something like „the opposite of what I can endure and stand“?“ In a way, it would have been true. The former Good, under the School Master’s rule, indeed WAS everything she despised.
Shallowness. Intrigues. Gossip. Too bright dresses.
But the real reason behind her repulsion was no evil one, either.
„I’m not a liar, Clarissa.“ Why she looks at her again she doesn‘t know. She may have a death wish, after all. It’s a wonder she still is alive, that she hasn’t actually followed through. Her ego might be bigger than how she knows it after all. And maybe … maybe there is hope.
Hope of not having to keep on living alone anymore.
It’s that tiny piece she has been clinging on to, and … today, she decides, is the day she wants to know if she does have a chance. She is done tiptoeing around, done with wondering if the feelings Dovey has about her are just civilized collegiality. „I have never been. Not even Rafal could turn me into one.“
Dovey moves her hand, and it looks as if she wants to reach out. Lesso desperately wishes for her to do it.
„I’m sorry, I didn’t …“ She doesn’t. She lingers in the air, stops, then pulls back.
Lesso sighs quietly. Ever so careful. Ever so trained into being perfect and apologetic.
„Yeah that’s another thing. Good people apologize, even when there is nothing to apologize for.“
Clarissa shakes her head. „No, you are wrong. I had an assumption about you that is wrong, and I must have hurt you by saying it.“ Her eyes meet hers, boring into hers. Lesso is transfixed. „I didn’t mean to. So I am saying I am sorry, because I am, and I am not going to make that mistake again.“
She is beautiful. So very beautiful it shouldn’t be real.
On the eye, and inside just as much.
She loves Clarissa Dovey’s heart just as much as her compassionate eyes, her seductive lips, her soft golden curls.
She is more dangerous to her than any potion could ever be. And Lesso wants her.
„Thanks, Princess.“
Shimmering lips twist upwards, and then she abruptly turns away again, as if giving her a chance to change the subject.
But Leonora can’t pull herself away from looking at her.
She’s so fucking attentive and at the same so oblivious it’s adoring. Adoring and … maddening. Maybe she was better at conceiling her feelings than she had thought.
Only one reason more to finally rip the plaster off.
„Calling you princess makes it … easier.“
Clarissa turns again. The sunlight paints her skin a golden terracotta. „Makes what easier?“
„Calling you something you are not makes me … makes me feel that I have a place here after all, even though I may be an imposter.“
She watches a frown deepen between Clarissa’s eyebrows, and not even that can diminish her etheral grace. This time, she doesnt ask but let’s her speak.
And Lesso inhales deeply.
„Because I never wanted to be Evil", she speaks the fateful words. Whispers them. They are for no one but Clarissa to hear. „I never wanted all of this, and I still don’t. But I know of my role in here, of its importance, so I … suck it up and play my part.“
She waits for Clarissa’s reaction, anything, confusion about what she is going at. Instead though, she sighs heavily. "Well, I can tell you, being the head of Good isn’t much easier either.“
And she knows Clarissa didn’t mean it in any bad way, but she has gotten so used to snarky comments – especially on her side – that she cannot help but feel like tiny daggers being pushed into her heart.
She has no idea.
Of course she doesnt. She has never given her a chance to even think there could be such a possibility.
"Sure“, she mumbles, can’t help herself. „It is truly hell living in a nice and warm castle, with great support systems and the best kind of food, parents who care, and knowing the world is on your side."
Clarissa’s head snaps up, eyes blown in a way she absolutely does NOT like.
„Is this what you think my life is like?“
It sounds … incredulous, disbelieving, filled with sadness, so Lesso deflates instantly.
„It sure looks and feels like it“, she says as quietly and softly as she can manage, and hopes she doesnt sound accusing. It’s the last she wants to be.
Clarissa lowers her head.
And she hates that she doesn’t keep on talking, does not fight back. When Clarissa Dovey has nothing to say … that’s a warning.
„I didn’t mean to upset you“, she says softly. She means every word, hopes, prays Clarissa believes her. „I just … you never gave me a reason to believe otherwise.“
Clarissa makes a strained sound close to a sign one could interpret as either tense and sad or majorly frustrated.
„Because I have secrets too, Leonora.“
She blinks. She does not even know why she is surprised at that in the first place. „Secrets you are … compelled to hide?“
Dovey isn’t looking at her, instead picks at a lime green fiber of her dress, and the display of anxiety makes Lesso want to hold her.
She isn’t there yet, though. She is far from that.
So she changes tactics.
"What makes you think I chose this? This life?" She asks it in the lowest, softest whisper possible to not even give Clarissa the chance to misinterpret her words as venomous and dripping with sarcasm and disgust. It takes her an immense effort not to turn away as Clarissa, showing her attention, turns back to look at her, show she is listening, keeps a brave face and fights down the urge to run and protect herself.
There is no reason to. Not anymore.
Not with Clarissa.
And … maybe that’s what makes speaking a little easier. "Rafal took me, Clarissa. He pulled me from my life, left me in the woods to stumble around for a whole night and half a day. I was never given a choice. I had no idea but knowing I somehow had to survive, had to ... to ...“
Something warm and tender, softer than she can remember anything to ever graze her skin, lands on her hand. It takes her a long moment to realize it’s Clarissa’s hand.
Clarissa is touching her. Voluntarily.
And as she looks into her eyes, hoping she doesnt look too dumbfounded, she sees purest sympathy in her warm chestnut eyes. They glow. And they make Lesso melt. Make her want to spill everything to her.
She opens her mouth to say something, anything, but Clarissa is faster: „It’s okay“, she whispers. „You don’t have to explain yourself to me, or relive it just for my sake.“ The touch turns into a grip.
But Lesso wants to, wants her to know about everything, wants so desperately to just lay it out there and let the secrecy slide off her shoulder. Maybe later, she thinks. Maybe somewhen.
Maybe never, the Never-part within her echoes.
She shakes her head, bans it out of her mind. There is no place for thoughts like these anymore.
„Urglification”, she suddenly says, surprising herself. “Such bullshit.“
She watches Clarissa’s lips twist. „I remember“, she says, her voice calm and low, not much more than the volume of a cracking fireplace. „It was the first thing you abolished.“
„Evil is so much more intimidating when it’s beautiful“, she mutters.
She swears she can see Dovey nod, or hum, throwing a glance at her.
“Just like names”, she says quietly, contemplating. Then she tilts her head. “Is that the reason no one knows of your first name?”
She finds herself nodding, not in the mood of pretending anymore. “Leonora” is the child within her, the woman, the sane one (as much as she still is). “Lady Lesso” is the shield, the rank, the commanding side. The Never she was never supposed to be, but made into nevertheless.
„About that, I …“ She swallows, realizing what she is about to say means so much more, feels like laying bare an open wound, a weekness. „I like it when you call me by my first name.“
Clarissa blinks, eyes still blown and wide, but now it’s surprise mixed with adoration. „You like it when I call you Leonora?“
Lesso wants to close her eyes, sigh, and have her repeat it again and again.
Hearing her name spoken out loud like this … soft and tender, caring, as if she is actually something worth … it’s like balm on her frayed heart.
She nods unsteadily.
Clarissa’s face lights up a little more. „It’s a beautiful name, you know.“
‘The light’. It was given to her because of her hair, and her exceptional eyes.
How wrong they were.
"You are right. I had no idea." The sudden change of topic, the randomness, makes her frown. She feels the need to say something, but Clarissa is quicker. "But how could I, Leonora? You never spoke to me. I tried to be your friend ..."
"You wouldn't have liked what you would have seem." A muscle in Lesso's jaw jumps.
"You never gave me a chance."
Defeated, she nods. „I know.“
„I would have liked that”, Clarissa goes on.
She can’t help the tension that is crawling back into her. „What. Me telling you the shitshow my life has been?“
Clarissa’s eyes darken in a way she has never seen it possible on anyone before. „You confiding in me. So … I could confide in you, too.“
That leaves her stunned. Actually, so stunned, so surprised, that she cannot even reply. Clarissa looks away.
„I don’t know how it is on the other side, but the job can be lonely. I have Emma, and the other teachers, but … except Emma they are not friends. And sometimes I feel that … that no matter how many times Emma has proven to be on my side, there are things I would never want her to know.“
„Like what?“ Her voice is husked, too eager for her own good. Her heart beats faster as Clarissa looks at her, the expression her face sheepish. „For example that … I like saying your name, too.“
Leonora blinks as she looks back at her, unmoving, a warm feeling spreading in her chest, and she can swear they are having a moment.
"And I like that color on you", she says.
Clarissa’s eyes light up and her heart melts. "Oh, really? Thank you."
"Really brings out your undertones." She should probably stop talking but … now that she has started, there is no way back.
Clarissa seems equally, if not even more, surprised at her words. Even her cheeks seem redder than normally.
"Lesso", Clarissa laughs, a little awkward, and a little ... yes, she is flustered. She feels hope rise up. Maybe she didn't mess up too badly -
"What", she decides to add. In the worst case, she can play it off like usually, blame it on smugness. "Not used to getting flirted with by a woman?"
Clarissa’s jaw drops. „Y-you are flirting with me?“
Lesso can’t help it. She chuckles. „You are too sweet.“
A tense sigh escapes the Dean of Good. “And you are mocking me.”
“What makes you say that?”
Momentary, tense silence spreads around them. A silence so loaded with unsaid things that Lesso cannot help herself.
She has to get it out now, or she never will.
"I told Sophie being evil or good isn‘t about who we are, but what we do. And I ... I knew there was only one way to survive. So I became great at it. Even though I puked my guts out after I first killed someone. But that is not all. We should all teach our students to be brave, but that includes knowing ones weakness. And for the first time in a very, very long one, ever since I came here, I am not scared admitting mine. Though I do believe it is far from a weakness, actually.”
Clarissa blinks, long dark lashes fluttering. „Wh- what do you mean by …“
„I like you, Clarissa.“ She turns to face her, fully. „Is that so difficult to understand?“
The Dean of Good sits like struck by lightning, brown eyes wide like a deer that is faced with something it had never seen before. Lesso figures, before her nerves get to her or Clarissa misinterprets any of it, she needs to clarify: „I have no intention, nor desire to hurt you in any way.“ She closes her eyes. “In fact, it’s the worst kind of pain I could ever imagine. I don’t think I could take it.”
Clarissa’s eyes are shimmering, and her lips are slightly parted as if she could not believe what Lesso had just said. And she wants to lean in, capture them, touch and feel and find out if she is as warm and soft as she looks, but she cannot just do that.
„I like you too“, Dovey breaths.
And Lesso feels her heart and her brain set out for a good three seconds.
„Y-you … how?“ Because she really and truly does not understand. „How can you like someone like me?“
And Clarissa releases a sound so close to a sob and a laugh about something ridiculous it burns into her heart.
„Because of exactly that. Because you have no idea how incredible you truly are, and you never show it off, ever.“
Something within her twitches and burns.
Incredible people do not nearly get a dozen of kids killed and lie to preserve their position.
Incredible people do not hurt others just because they are afraid of some force.
Incredible people tell someone when they think they are admirable.
„Yes, you may have played a role all those years, but haven’t we all?”
Clarissa says the words as if she has read her thoughts, which is impossible. But it happened, and it’s emphasized by the Fairy taking her hand.
Leonora feels a string within her snap and tears shooting into her eyes.
„All those years … you never hurt me. Not once. And you could have, for so many times.“ It’s like a part of her does not want it to be true. As if it were easier to keep living like this, to be proven right in who she thinks she is, if Dovey only would slap her instead of …well, all of this.
She wants it so badly. But her body and her mind have been trained into believing she is evil and undeserving, and now she feels it deeper than ever.
„I remember you reaching for my hand as Sophie cast the spell. I remember that even before you could breathe properly after we woke up, you were searching for me. Checking up on me.“
Right … certainly not very “evil” or her.
„Thanks for never mentioning it“, Lesso finds herself mumble.
„Sure.“ Clarissa smiles. „I didn’t want to make things awkward.“
Step one was one.
Step two …
She turns, and smiles. It’s so easy to do when they are alone. It’s even easier now. Clarissa Dovey LIKEs her.
„Do you have any idea how incredible you are?“
With that she has her. The fairy’s eyes widen until they are nearly perfectly round, glimmering, and Lesso realizes she will never stop complimenting her if it is this easy. To be fair – she will also not stop were it difficult. „I have watched you work your butt off ever since Unification has become the main goal. You are … a buzzing ball of energy, but you never, not for even a second, overstepped. And I thank you for that.“
The corners of her mouth twitch. „It was about damn time.“
Yes. And about that … Lesso’s eyes flicker to Clarissa’s mouth.
„You have no idea how much I would like to kiss you right now“, she whispers.
Dovey takes a sharp breath, but she doesn’t back away. On the contrary, her eyes darken a beautiful shade more into black.
„Then do it.“ It’s a dare and a plead all at once, and Lesso suddenly feels her nerves get to her.
She has played this over and over in her head, imagining it in all kinds of ways, but now – now her hands are shaking and she can barely breathe. But something about her knows what to do, and she is glad for it. She doesn’t think, doesn’t need to, when she leans forward, when she catches Clarissa’s eyes right before they close and she does the same.
Their lips touch and Lesso sinks into it, decides to dwell in it without fearing for the consequences, or whatever else. For once in so long, she just IS, and enjoys, and the warmth of Clarissa’s lips seeps into her …
It’s perfect. And she needs more, needs her closer, so she reaches up to slide her hand into her neck and carefully pulls her close. She can’t breathe, but that’s okay. All of her senses are tuned into Clarissa, and there is nothing else she wants, or needs, or …
She feels a shift going through Clarissa, and an alarm signal wails up within her. Quickly, she pulls back, takes a sharp breath.
„I’m sorry, I got a little carried away …“
Clarissa doesn’t let her talk, pulls her in and deepens the kiss, and Lesso can swear she feels her smile.
And then, she feels the tip of her tongue slide between her lips and a million things happen at once; in the blink of an eye, her body tightens, her brain spins images, her hands want to do more than caress, and –
A sound rumbles deep in her throat, heat shooting into her face. She’s not embarrassed, per se, as she finds her hands digging into Clarissa’s bodice, but she knows one thing …
She breaks the kiss and takes some very much needed air, her forehead resting against Clarissa’s.
„If we …” She swallows as she hears the breathlessness in her own voice. “If you keep doing this, I don’t … I doubt I can keep my hands to myself.“
Clarissa’s fingertips tilts her face upwards so that she is forced to look at her, and a little bit of her hesitation vanishes as she recognizes the absolute confidence in her face.
„I wouldn’t want you to“, she says softly, in a tone so low it makes her legs all shaky. Soft and filled with promises. Lesso wills herself to not loose even the last of her control. She is so DONE with being controlled. She just wants to let go.
„No, Clarissa you don’t … understand. I …“ She licks her lips, and the way Clarissa’s eyes follow the movements shoots a blast of heat right between her legs.
THIS is why.
„What I mean is that … I’d like to continue touching you in ways that … aren’t acceptable in public, or for anyone else to know.“ She fears to look back at her so proceeds to turn away, but Clarissa’s hand finds hers.
„My darling witch.“ She raises her hand up to her lips and kisses it. Lesso gasps.
This has always been the other way around, in her imagination. Her taking Dovey’s hand and kissing it. Her helping Dovey out of a carriage, or off a horse. Never the other way around. But … she could very much get used to that.
She could try to be the person who wants to be cared for, after all.
At the moment, she thinks she could like that. Very much.
„Do you really think I have no idea what happens between two women who like each other, who are, in fact, crazy about each other?“
Lesso feels like she just got punched in the gut, only in the positive sense.
Especially as she watches the flicker in Clarissa’s eyes. „I may be Good, Leonora, but I am far from treating sexual intercourse as something that is solely supposed to happen between two people who are bound by law.
It’s supposed to happen between people who crave a connection, who … potentially even might grow to love each other.“
“If you only knew …” Leonora cuts herself off.
Too late. Clarissa frowns sweetly, and tilts her head. “If I knew what?”
Lesso shakes her head, suddenly feeling like she took it too far, too quickly. “Nothing, I …” But words fail her, and Clarissa’s face is too pure to shrug it off and lie, so she just rambles on. “I just … I think I … I may already be above the ‘might’ …” She is stammering, and she feels like a total idiot, but her brain isn’t working, and she cannot, for the life of her, find a way. She swallows as fear takes a hold of her, fear of having ruined it, wants to turn away. “Leonora, look at me.” Clarissa’s voice is so tender, so caring, that she cannot resist.
It nearly breaks her in the best possible way. Clarissa’s eyes shine as if someone had light the warmest of fires behind them.
“I understand”, she whispers. “I understand because … I feel the same.”
And she doesn’t know who is the first to lean in, who is the first to bridge the distance, but she knows what she feels is a peace of mind she has probably never had in her entire life. This kiss is sweet, and tender, and filled with promises she would have never dared to even think about.
Promises and hope, and it feels so wonderful, so peaceful, so right that Leonora doesn’t mind the single tear slipping out of the corner of her eye.