Chapter Text
‘I thought we were friends. Best friends even. You could have told me. It's not like I would've outed you or something,' he yells, his eyes filled with tears.
I wake up again. Again, a nightmare of Charlie finding out my trans being. For the last two months, they've been following me. As if Charlie would react like that, I mentally cursed myself.
'This is all your fault,' my mind yells as I remember the text I got from Tao six weeks prior to this.
Tao- hey , i know i pretty much gave u a cold shoulder after you broke up w charlie. hes back in inpatient care since monday. i know u prob shouldnt know but i felt sorta bad for not telling you since u always rly cared abt him
I still remember the message word for word. What did happen that he had to go back inpatient? I guess it was my fault. Me and my fear about telling him about my transsexuality. I roll around to get my phone to look at some old photos of me and him (like the ones we took when we were just 14 and 16 and he came around mine for the first time) when I see a text from Tao.
Tao- hi nick, charlie came back from st patch. the hospital he was in. thought u should know 2 stop worrying. Bye
I stare at the message. It’s good that Charlie’s back home. Home? What does that even mean for him now? Probably not at our flat or at his parents. Maybe at Tori’s or Isaac’s. I don’t think he’s at Tao’s, since he shares it with Elle. Same goes for Tara’s (and therefore Darcy’s). God, this was all my fault. If I only never would have told him that the songs were about him. I stare at the text for a few seconds before I decide to reply.
Nick- Hey Tao. Thanks for letting me know. I’m glad he’s doing better. I know it’s absolutely none of my business, but can you maybe tell me where he is staying now. I know, really none of my business but like, I sorta feel like it’s my fault and I kinda wanna know if he’s safe
I don’t expect an answer at all when I see another text coming through.
Tao- he’s safe. he’s doing better, not good, but better. yes, it’s none of your business at all. but i’ll tell you that he’s safe and not alone. I hope everything gets better now. i won’t tell you what exactly happened but jsyk it wasn’t your fault. someone spoke to him on the street who had him struggling a little. tori found him, passed out in front of her front door. not bec of not eating tho. it was that person. don’t ask for more information nelson
Nick- Oh okay. Thanks for letting me know, Tao
Tao- ‘s alright
Someone spoke to Charlie and that made him freak out? Was it Ben? Or Jace? Or someone of the twats of Truham when he was outed in Year 9. But would that freak Charlie out? And besides, he doesn’t really look like Charlie in Year 9. He was more grown up, obviously. He was, well, more attractive, though I never would’ve thought that that was possible. I mean, when I’ve seen him all those years ago when I was in Year 8, he was already, like, really beautiful. A knock on my room's door makes me jump a little. “Yes?,” I ask.
A blonde bob leans in. Cassy. “Hi, I-, can we talk for a moment? I, kinda wrote a new song but, like, I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s too much.”
“Oh, uh, sure. You can always talk to me, Cassy. About everything and everyone. I-, I think we both need one person we can still be ‘normal’ with.”
“Yeah,” she agrees and smiles a little. She walks towards my bed and sits down.
“Do you need my guitar to sing it?,” I ask as I catch her looking at my guitar.
“That’d be aces,” she smiles a little. And so I hand it to her. “Thanks.”
When I was younger, I would look into these mirrors
And looked at all the scissors
I wanted to cut that tie you made me wear
I’m not gonna wear that suit, just so we’re clear
And you just looked at me and said
“How dare you? Can’t you be just glad?”
She always used to make fun
And never understood me
I wish she would just burn in hell
Her voice breaks at the last word. And then I’m sitting in my bed, trying to comfort my new friend of two and a half months. “I-I just wanted to show the world how h-horrible some people are,” she says, once she stops crying. Cassy wipes her tears away and continues,
Everyone keeps telling me it’s better
But what if it’s not?
Everyone says we just want attention
But who’s said we don’t need it?
Everyone thinks we’re so lucky to be born in this generation
But who said that our parents are better?
Nothing’s better at all
Maybe from the law,”
Cassy’s voice breaks again. It seems to really hurt her. “What’s this song about, actually?”
“About me. I-I’m trans. My parents threw me out of the house when I was thirteen. I stayed at my friend’s place in Edinburgh till I was sixteen. Then I ran away again. I wanted to learn about myself. And well, for the next years, I spend my life with only my guitar and jobs here and there to have enough money to pay my bills. Well, and then I found an old phone and started to record my covers, I played on the street to earn some extra money for things like new clothes. And well, you know the rest. Kat saw me and thought she could make someone out of me.”
“That’s a damn background to this song. Are you sure you wanna make a song like that?”
“I know, I know, it’s a bit much a-and well, I-,”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I just wondered if you could sing it if it hits you like this. It’s great. Kind of reminds me of Who’s afraid of little old me. But it’s amazing, Cassy. It’s like someone finally opens the eyes of non-believers of that it’s not better entirely.”
“It was actually inspired by that song. I mean, this calm and then bang feelings part. I don’t know if I could sing it. But I’d like to try. Because I’d really like to share these thoughts with the world.”
“Got it. Maybe you just need to try and try. But what do I know? I feel a little attacked by that song, but yeah.”
“What, why?”
“Because-, it’s because-, because I-I’m t-t-trans, t-too.”
“Really? Oh my god.”
“That was also sort of the reason why Charlie and I broke up. Because I was too scared to tell him,” I felt a tear running down my cheek. Cassy pulls me in a firm hug.
“Oh. Well, that’s shit. But I get it. Same goes with Jade. My ex-girlfriend. Because I couldn’t tell her. Maybe one day, though.”
“Yeah, maybe. Okay now, try the song again. I haven’t even heard all of it and am already addicted to it.”
“Okay.... I kind of have an idea.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. What if, and I know it’s stupid, what if you sing a second verse. Just improvised.” I nod and turn to the bedside table to record it with my phone. Just in case it's good. “One, two. One, two, three, four.”
Is it really? by Cassy O. & Nick Nelson
When I was younger, I would look into these mirrors
And looked at all the scissors
I wanted to cut that tie you made me wear
I’m not gonna wear that suit, just so we’re clear
And you just looked at me and said
“How dare you? Can’t you be just glad?”
She always used to make fun
And never understood me
I wish she would just burn in hell
Everyone keeps telling me it’s better
But what if it’s not?
Everyone says we just want attention
But who’s said we don’t need it?
Everyone thinks we’re so lucky to be born in this generation
But who said that our parents are better?
Nothing’s better at all
Except from the law
It’s better
But is it really?
When I was younger, I would look into these mirrors
Take another glance at all the scissors
I didn't like the dress I was in
I just wanted to be a boy to win
And when I told you, you just said
“How dare you? Can’t you be just glad?”
He always used to make fun
And never understood me
I wish he would just burn in hell
Everyone keeps telling me it’s better
But what if it’s not?
Everyone says we just want attention
But who’s said we don’t need it?
Everyone thinks we’re so lucky to be born in this generation
But who said that our parents are better?
Nothing’s better at all
Except from the law
It’s better
But is it really?
It’s better
But is it really?
It’s better
But is it really?
It’s better
No, it’s not, no, it’s not, no, it’s not
No, it’s not, no, it’s not, no, it’s not
No, it’s not, no, it’s not, no, it’s not
No (oh-uh)
I had just needed your support
The support you never gave me
It’s better
But is it really?