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Rei forgot when she realized she was in love with Pilot Ikari, but she knew that it all began when they first met. He held her so gently in his arms, as if she were made of porcelain. There was a blazing fire in his eyes, she remembered, that raged with a hatred for his father and a need to protect her. He was ignorant about her upbringing. In that instant, he was just a boy, and she was just a girl.
Before they fought the twelfth angel, Pilot Ikari confessed. They were in the hallway, walking to their Evas, when he blurted out his feelings. It was spontaneous and awkward, but so passionate, honest, and full of heart. The injuries he received from the cross-synch test gone awry still weighed heavily on his mind and body, he said, and he didn't want to head to battle again without telling the girl he loved how much she meant to him. He recalled how radiant she appeared against the moonlight before Operation Yashima began, how beautiful the smile she rewarded him afterwards was, how delicate her hand felt when he treated that burn at her apartment, how much he wanted to protect her the first time he ever saw her, and, finally, how lonely she appeared every day and how desperately he wanted to fix that.
With each word, Rei felt her heart soar ever higher, pumping faster and faster. She always considered Pilot Ikari a friend, but never did she think that the boy would hold so much affection for her. Her entire life was a façade. This physical form was a means to an end, already replaced once and ready to be replaced again. Her only purpose was to serve the Commander's will. She coveted nothing, but it was all different with Pilot Ikari. He made it feel real.
By the end, Pilot Ikari's face was flushed, and he breathed laboriously as if he'd run a marathon. The hardened look he gave told her that this was real. That she was loved. That she was not a doll.
She took his hand, leaned up, and gave him another smile. Then, she kissed him.
When their lips parted, she whispered, "I love you too, Shinji."
It was cloudy that night. Darkness shrouded Rei's room. The only evidence that Shinji laid next to her was the feeling of his warm embrace. She felt his breath from the crown of her head, and her hair likely tickled his nose, but he didn't complain. It had only been twelve hours since his release from the hospital following his imprisonment within the Dirac Sea, and she was impatient to make up for all the time lost in between. Shinji lied to Major Katsuragi and told her that he wanted to spend time with Touji and Kensuke that night. Thankfully, she believed it. Rei assumed the older woman was just grateful to have her beloved ward back.
When he'd disappeared, a surge of loneliness and helplessness surged within her. She failed to protect the one she loved most. She regretted obeying the major's command, wishing she dove headfirst into that abyss, and remembered the burning desire to slap the Second Child after her accusations that it was Shinji's fault for rushing in. She resented the Major for defending the Second Child in that argument, even if it was a half-hearted defense.
None of that mattered at this moment, however. Shinji was back, and she basked in his presence.
"Please, never leave me again."
"I promise." Shinji held her tighter.
Shinji's phone woke them up the next day. Misato reminded him that they had a harmonics test that afternoon at 2 PM. After a meager breakfast, they made their way to Nerv. Along the path they took was an ice cream shop. A line snaked out of the door and into the sun's beating rays.
"Have you ever had one of these before, Rei?"
The girl shook her head. "Regardless, we don't have time, Shinji."
Shinji checked his watch. 12:39 AM.
"Eh, we can eat along the way."
They walked out, cone in hand containing a scoop of vanilla. It tasted sweet, she thought, exactly like he is. After a few more licks, she caught Shinji staring at her.
"Is there something wrong, Shinji?"
"Yeah, you have something on your face."
He bent down and kissed her nose, removing an ice cream stain she failed to notice. Her eyes widened at her boyfriend's boldness, and judging by how quickly he whipped his face forward, he too was shocked by his own action. He looked… cute. Rei giggled.
Shinji's head turned to Rei with his mouth gaping. He didn't feel the streaks of melted ice cream flowing down his hand.
Misato raised an eyebrow when they arrived together ten minutes late. They were panting, having sprinted towards her with Shinji leading Rei by the hand. She wasn't stupid and guessed they spent the night at Rei's apartment, but she didn't scold nor question them. They looked comfortable, relaxed, and, most of all, happy. After all they'd suffered through for humanity, they deserved a little reward.
Dinners with the Commander were occasions she looked forward to. The night started pleasantly with greetings being exchanged and a comfortable silence forming afterwards. Then, he asked about Shinji.
"I noticed you've become close with my son."
"Yes, we are now in a relationship together."
"I see. Have you made him aware of your origins or any of our plans?"
Rei stiffened at this question. "No."
"Good. Are you happy, Rei?"
"Yes."
"That's nice."
He ended the exchange with a smile and went back to his food. She returned the gesture, but a sense of uncertainty still gnawed at the back of her mind. The Commander appeared to approve her love with Shinji, or allowed it, at least, but the man who raised and fed her affection from an arms' distance was mysterious. Regardless, instrumentality was all that mattered to him, and she was loyal, so there would be no issue. She hoped.
Rei looked warily at Commander Ikari briefly then down at her plate: a pill medley complimented with a glass of water and Nerv-supplied juice packet. She hoped Shinji still had leftover miso soup the next time she came over.
When it came time to stop the angel-infested Unit-03, she hesitated to pull the trigger. A lapse in judgement. The angel incapacitated her. She watched as Shinji's Evangelion, taken from his grasp, tore through Unit-03 like a beast slaughtering its prey. When they finally pulled out Touji from his entry plug, broken but alive, she was thankful, but Shinji's final scream chilled her to the bone.
Perhaps, if she took the shot, she could've saved him from this dilemma, but she didn't. Once more, she failed to protect Shinji.
The pills served two purposes: to keep her body from ripping itself apart and to suppress her emotions. Ever since she began dating Shinji, she took the initiative, meaning without Dr. Akagi's consent, and reduced her own prescription of her mood stabilizers. As a result, she flourished. She felt so much more alive every moment she spent with Shinji. She smiled more, took more pleasure in the nuances of everyday life. She experienced love, joy, peace.
But now Shinji was gone, his soul wandering within that biomechanical tomb.
While her boyfriend was trapped inside that behemoth of flesh and machine, so was she in her concrete block of a shelter, guarded by her fears. With Tokyo-3's population rapidly declining since Zeruel's attack, attendance at school was no longer a necessity, allowing Rei to pursue her self-imposed exile unimpeded. The pendulum of her mood swung drastically in the other direction. Sorrow, mourning, possessiveness all threatened to burst from within. The negative emotions from her lover's last disappearance were now amplified to a significant degree. Before, it had taken twenty hours for Shinji to resurface. Now, twenty days had passed since she last felt him, and the pain was unbearable.
She swallowed a pill. And another. And another. She suppressed the urge to regurgitate and drowned herself in the medicine.
When she woke up, a white light against a pale ceiling nearly blinded her. Nerv's hospital wing. She looked to her right and saw Dr. Akagi standing beside her.
"You're lucky Section 2 was prudent enough to check on you after staying inside for so long," the doctor explained. She glanced when she noticed movement from the bed sheets, but quickly returned her attention to the clipboard she held. "We will need to keep you overnight to monitor your health, but you'll be set to leave by noon tomorrow."
After jotting a few more notes down, she left. Then, Commander Ikari stepped in.
"Are you alright?"
Rei nodded. He smiled, and she weakly smiled back. However, his expression steeled.
"Why did you do this?"
"I don't know."
"That answer is not acceptable."
Rei tensed at his harsh tone.
"I have already taught you that people must be able to stand on their own. Be sure that your relationship with the Third Child no longer clouds your judgement."
An unspoken "or else"hung in the air. The commander walked out of the room, not letting Rei respond. The girl laid back down on the bed. He was right. She let her emotional state overwhelm herself, and she nearly paid a hefty price for it. However, the implication of his sentence terrified her. The girl gripped the bed sheets tightly. She would never let Commander Ikari take this joy away. Never. All he cared about was that she followed his will. As long as she promised this, she and Shinji could be together.
She'd tasted that forbidden fruit, and she hungered for more.
Rei needed to stay strong. She had to be there for Shinji when (not if, when) he returned. No doubt, this entire ordeal would be taxing both on his mental and physical health, and she had to be there to support him. When she returned to her apartment, she watched as the kitchen sink swallowed every capsule. The only pills she kept were the ones necessary to keep her body functioning. To continue going against Dr. Akagi's orders and let her feelings run freely was, potentially, a foolish decision, but the pills were another shackle that kept her dependent and obedient to the commander. Rei knew it was not her best interest that Dr. Akagi had in mind whenever she performed her check-ups or refilled the prescription. There was no turning back now. Rei was in control.
Ten days later, Shinji came back. Misato was quick, but Rei was quicker, rushing past her and holding him in her arms when his body fell out of Unit-01. She rested his head against her shoulder and cradled him in her arms until Nerv's medical personnel arrived to take him away. She followed them and stayed at Shinji's bedside until he woke up. When the doctors finally discharged him, they decided to sleep together at Major Katsuragi's apartment, no longer caring about what others thought of their intimacy. The major hesitated to give them permission, but upon seeing their tired, defeated expressions, let them share the bed but only for that night. She also squeezed in a jab about "using protection" to lighten the mood, but neither teen paid it any heed. The Second Child resisted as well but, upon realizing that there was no way Rei was backing down, grumbled out a warning to stay quiet and remained in her room all night.
In his arms again, Rei reprimanded Shinji for breaking his promise to never leave her. He apologized and renewed his promise ("For real, this time," he claimed).
The following morning, they had breakfast with the major and Soryu. There are hardly any fresh ingredients left in the kitchen, but there's still enough for Shinji to prepare a hearty meal for the four of them. Major Katsuragi assaulted them with teases and gushed over how cute they were together. Soryu, on the other hand, rolled her eyes at her guardian's childish behavior and ate silently. Shinji stammered out a thanks to the older woman and asked Rei if the food was to her liking. Of course, she said yes. She also thanked the major for letting her stay over.
"Please, just Misato is fine!"
Rei didn't know how a real family acted, but she considered this to be a close approximation of one. It was real enough.
Shinji was barred from entering Unit-01 during the sortie with the fifteenth angel. Secretly, Rei was happy that he could enjoy a reprieve from piloting Eva, a curse that he so desperately tried to escape.
This good feeling disappeared when the battle began.
The angel shot a beam of light that inflicted psychological torture upon the Second Child. Her wails of agony filled the comms, and Shinji begged his father to let him pilot Unit-01. Rei's mood soured further as her boyfriend's pleas grew increasingly dire. Asuka continued to scream. After their positron cannons failed, Commander Ikari ordered her to retrieve the Lance of Longinus. She complied without hesitation.
The lance soared in a graceful, majestic arc and killed the angel with ease.
Following the battle, Shinji and Rei approached Soryu together, though she was mostly there to support Shinji. They stood behind the red tape, and the boy tried to offer words of comfort, but Soryu refused. The redhead slung nasty, hateful remarks towards them both.
When they left, Rei held Shinji's hand for comfort. He clung to it tightly.
When Rei asked if she could sleep with Shinji that night, Misato didn't object, too exhausted to enforce her own rules. Nobody spoke on the car ride to her apartment. When they arrived, they all escaped to their own rooms.
This time, it was Rei who embraced Shinji. He buried his head deep into Rei's chest and clutched her wiry frame, afraid that, if he let go, she too would disappear. She caressed his cheek, causing her boyfriend to bury himself further into her arms. Time and time again, she failed to protect him from physical and emotional anguish. It pained her that all she could do was comfort him, remind him that he was loved, and that she loved him.
Rei resolved from that point onwards that she would do anything to protect him and what they had together. He was her friend, her lover, and her savior. If she had to kill the world for his sake, she would do it.
The next angel arrived in a matter of days. Despite reverting to a near-catatonic state, they sent Soryu in Unit-02 to back up Rei. Sensing no danger from the red Evangelion, the angel completely ignored it and lunged directly for Unit-00, penetrating its abdomen. Rei flushed as the angel coursed through her veins and fondled her body, sending shockwaves of pleasure and unease. She resisted this thing pulsing inside her, but it continued its relentless assault unhindered.
The angel thrusted deeper and probed her mind. She envisioned herself in a blank space dominated by a bloody sky and a pool of LCL below. It spoke to her through a marionette carrying her face and standing waist-deep in that pool. Rei floated above the copper-scented liquid. The marionette looked up at her and smiled.
Become one with me.
She refused. The angel continued to twitch inside her.
It spread her heart open and forced her to gaze upon the loneliness that infected it. It ripped apart the bandage that was her relationship with Shinji that hid this deeply held fear. When she awoke from this fantasy, she felt a wetness on her hands. They were tears.
Moments later, they finally send Shinji out again in Unit-01. She called out his name and wanted to scream, tell him to get away, but the angel constricted her throat. Veins bulged from her arms, her chest, and her abdomen. She fought with all her strength against its every poke and prod. Her eyes closed and teeth clenched in frustration.
It hurts.
Rei heard her voice, but it was not she who uttered that line.
It hurts Shinji.
Is this my heart wishing to become one with Shinji?
She opened her eyes and saw Shinji firmly grasping one end of the angel's length. She witnessed a hollow, monstrous image of herself embracing Unit-01's face. She heard the terror in Shinji's voice as he attempted to come to terms with the sight in front of him.
No. This was not her desire to be one with Shinji. What the angel presented to her was a lie. She did not want this. Rei wanted to save Shinji. With their enemy being impervious to every weapon at their disposal, that only left one option: self-destruction. Despite what she promised to herself, she needed to die to save her lover in this moment. She reversed Unit-00's AT field, pulling the angel away from Shinji and towards herself. Misato ordered her to abandon the Eva, but Rei disobeyed. Ignoring the beast raging inside her body, she turned around and reached for the lever that would destroy the angel, destroy the Evangelion, and destroy herself.
"Rei, stop!" Shinji pleaded. "Please! I love you!"
"I love you too, which is why I must do this," Rei grunted.
"Don't go," the boy whispered. Soft weeps broke out.
She pulled it. The boy taught her that she was irreplaceable. This physical form will cease to exist, but she will be reborn once more and for the last time. After this battle, she will live for Shinji. Before the countdown reached its apex, Rei saw him appear from a blinding light and stretched her arm towards him.
The instant that the blast tore open her flesh, the bright disk of the sun soared up and exploded behind her eyelids.
When the pure white dissipated, and the remains of Rei's Eva appeared amongst the blackened rubble, he was reduced to the same vegetative state as Asuka. He stopped attending school entirely like most of his classmates. Misato tried to console him, but nothing she could say or do would bring back Rei. His ribs poked through his skin more cleanly, a result of his poor diet from the grief that consumed him. He laid in bed all day, listening to the same song on his SDAT player again and again and again. All he could think about was her.
When Ritsuko called and informed him that Rei was in the hospital, he raced out of Misato's apartment.
He sat close to Rei's bed, his knees touching the fabric that fell to the side. Heavy bags weighed his eyes down as they carefully watched for any subtle movement to indicate she would wake soon. He reached for her, but each time he pulled back, afraid that his touch would cause her to shatter like glass. She was wrapped in bandages just like in his first memory of her. Finally, he leaned over her forehead and kissed her gently. He was stuck in that position when a knock interrupted him. He turned around and saw Dr. Akagi waiting by the door. She asked him to follow her.
Fuck Yui. Fuck Gendo. Fuck Rei. Fuck mother.
Ritsuko rested against the tube at the heart of Central Dogma's belly. Sadistic glee still flowed freely within her as she remembered the shocked faces of Misato and Gendo's son as all the secret's held within Nerv's deepest levels were laid bare to them: the graveyard of Evangelions, that replica of Rei's apartment, Lilith crucified on the cross, and this room. If only she had a camera with her so she could permanently capture Shinji's haunted gaze as he stared into the LCL pool of that dreaded doll's clones. The way he covered his ears as each one wailed their final siren song was a perfect Kodak moment.
She gave everything to Commander Ikari and received nothing. It was that doll's fault for terminating the angel by initiating an explosion equivalent to ten N2-Mines, yet it was she who was punished and sent to SEELE to be humiliated in front of those rotting corpses. If Ikari couldn't bring it upon himself to punish his own creation, then that task fell to her, Ritsuko thought. If she couldn't have Gendo, then Rei couldn't have Shinji.
Her eyes traced the circular patterns on the floor as she slowly sank towards that downward spiral.
Rei woke up. Physically, she felt excellent, so the bandages applied all over her body must be a ruse. She expected to see Shinji waiting right beside her, but there was no one. Was she still trapped inside Unit-00, some prison within her mind devised by the angel? What else could explain Shinji's absence? She worried sick for him when she was gone, and she knew he would do the same for her.
Dr. Akagi walked in, disproving that theory. Rei asked if Shinji had ever visited while she was unconscious. Dr. Akagi replied that he did, but other obligations at Nerv kept him away. That was fine, Rei thought. She was patient. Eventually, they would reunite, and all would be right in her world again.
Nobody else came to greet her that day, but Commander Ikari visited the next afternoon. He gave her a faint smile. Rei's lips curved upwards in a hollow display of affection. Commander Ikari began to talk, perhaps he was scolding her. She heard the words instrumentality, distraction, Shinji, and focus all come out of his mouth, but she hardly paid attention. She was tired of his surface-level care, of following his every need, and of having his grand schemes chained around her neck.
To the commander, she was a surrogate for his dead wife and estranged son. To Shinji, she was not a replacement.
After three more days, Dr. Akagi finally granted Rei permission to leave. She rushed to the phone in the hallway and dialed the number for Misato's landline. She asked if Shinji was available. Misato answered that he wasn't, but she could come over tomorrow to talk. Rei noted the hesitant tone but ignored it. Her excitement clouded every other thought in her mind. Soon, she would see Shinji.
When the door slid open, Rei gifted Shinji with the brightest smile she could give, but his morose look caused her confusion. He led her to the dining room table and sat across from her, shifting his gaze between her face and his hands which lay centimeters apart from her own. Rei looked around and noticed Misato standing to the side, against the wall, with her arms crossed.
"Good morning, Misato." She smiled.
The older woman nodded, regarded Rei for a second, and went back to staring listlessly at the carpet. They remained like this, Rei's mind racing through a multitude of causes for the pair's lifeless demeanors. Perhaps they are worried about the Second Child? Dr. Akagi told her that they had yet to find Soryu after she ran away from this place. She trained her eyes on Shinji, carefully studying his expression to see if it held any secrets. Finally, he spoke.
"What are you?"
A knot formed in her stomach. "I am Rei Ayanami."
"I didn't ask that. What are you?"
"I don't know how to answer that."
"It's okay, Rei. We know everything. Misato and I, we… we've been down there." He didn't need to elaborate. Rei understood. This conversation was inevitable if their relationship were to progress any further. And so, she divulged the secret of her birth.
"I was created from the genetic material of Lilith and Yui Ikari."
"So, you're my mother?"
"No!" Shinji flinched at the strength of her voice. It was the loudest she'd spoken in her life. "My memories, emotions, and thoughts are my own. I am not her."
The boy opened his mouth but shut it. He considered his next question carefully.
"Was anything we had real?"
"Yes. It was real. This is real." She reached forward and grabbed his hand, but he recoiled, pulling it back instantly. The knot twisted and twisted.
"Don't fucking touch me!" Shinji snarled. He slammed his palms on the table and stood up. He stared down at Rei with resentment. "How can any of this be real? I know that you died, so who is sitting before me? Who? Another doll? Did my father send you?"
"He did not order me, and I am not his doll," Rei whispered. Her hands fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. "I came here because I love you."
Shinji softened at her declaration. His face reverted to a neutral expression, as he sat back down. He twisted his torso away from the girl in front of him and stared blankly at the wall to his left.
"You promised that you wouldn't leave me."
Shinji said nothing. Rei's lips quivered.
"I love you."
Shinji said nothing. Hot, shameful tears stained Rei's cheeks.
"I love you," Rei choked out.
Shinji said nothing. The knot snapped.
She wanted to repeat it, but the sobs strangled her. Misato and Shinji listened quietly as Rei let loose an unending torrent of cries. Her body shook, unable to control her anguish. Rei couldn't fathom the idea that Shinji would hate her. He was always so kind, so considerate, so gentle. This was unthinkable. She sobbed.
"You should leave now," Misato spoke.
Rei nodded and heaved unevenly, attempting to contain her pain. She shoved her chair away, its legs screeching against the floor, and ran.
Several crushed cans of Yebisu littered the floor. Misato crushed another one and threw it to the ground. She was a big girl; she could clean it up later. It should've been dinner time, but she didn't want to wake up Shinji, meaning another night of her favorite instant curry ramen. The taste used to bring her comfort, but it just made her sick now.
The answering machine beeped. Kaji's voice played. His final message was a familiar melody to Misato now.
I'm sorry, Kaji.
In the days since, they didn't speak. When they passed by each other at Nerv after a synch test, she would pause to glance at him, but he never stopped.
Wake up. Harmonics test if there was one. Home. This was all their lives were now.
Rei clutched Commander Ikari's glasses, one of her few possessions that wasn't a necessity, and crushed it. The plastic frame bent like putty in her hands. She let go and watched as it fell to the ground. The lens cracked upon impact with the cold stone ground of her apartment.
Dried tear streaks marred her cheeks. For all her intelligence, she failed to consider protecting Shinji from herself. He made her forget it all. She had been blinded by love like a foolish schoolgirl. How stupid she was. How could he accept her as she really was? Eva and Shinji were her connections to humanity, and now she had none. One was blown to bits and the other a broken bridge. That left only one option: instrumentality. She would never feel his hands nor his lips again, but there would be no rejection, no fear, and no hate.
He would be safe from his father's neglect, from Eva, and from herself.
Shinji brooded on his bed. His pillow felt damp from his cries. Was their relationship a cardinal sin? Was Rei one of those monsters that they sought to destroy? Why was she even created? He wanted to shout at the top of his lungs, but his voice was nowhere to be found. In moments like these, he sought comfort in her arms. Her embrace was so warm, comforting, and inviting. Like a mother's. He scowled. Rei was everything to him, and this revelation took that away.
Shinji twisted, unable to rest comfortably.
The aquarium filled with facsimiles of Rei. Rei's gentle smile. Rei's harsh slap after he disrespected his father. Her mangled form in the minutes before his first angel battle. Rei setting Tokyo-3 ablaze, ending her life, and lighting up the sky in an entrancing yet horrific display of destruction. Rei's distraught as he rejected and ignored her. Rei's small laugh after he kissed her on the nose. Rei. Rei. Rei.
No matter what he thought, visions of Rei infected every piece of his being. Forget the moral dilemmas that plagued the very nature of their relationship, Rei was Rei, and he needed her. Shinji bolted out of bed.
Rei peeked into Dr. Akagi's room, opening the door slightly. Dr. Akagi slumped over her desk. The stench of nicotine permeated the air.
"I never asked how your meeting with Shinji went. Did he give you a big warm hug?"
Rei's grip on the door tightened. She said nothing. Dr. Akagi swiveled around in her chair towards the door.
"Ah well. I got a call from my grandmother days before the last angel attack. My cat died." Dr. Akagi leaned back against her chair. "I cared for her, even though I could never make the time to feed her and had to send her to my grandmother. It's a shame that she passed away. Eventually, all things, no matter how precious, must perish."
Dr. Akagi looked at Rei, expecting some kind of response, but the girl just stood there. The doctor threw her arms up in the air.
"Why am I even telling you any of this shit anyway? You've got a meeting with the Commander, right? Just go," she spat out.
Rei left.
The night before, Rei called and asked the commander for a private audience in his office. All too easily, he accepted. Commander Ikari's fatal flaw was his faith that, no matter what Rei experienced or felt, she would forever be loyal to his cause.
"What is it, Rei? The fifth child is set to arrive soon. Our time draws near."
"I am expediting the scenario, Commander."
Rei stepped forward.
"What?" Briefly, Commander Ikari's stoic exterior lost its composure.
"Give me Adam."
"No, Rei, you are to follow my instruction and leave," Commander Ikari ordered, but a hint of strain entered his voice.
She stepped forward again. Commander Ikari drew his pistol.
"My A.T. Field will crumple your bullets like paper, and you can't kill me because I am necessary to your scenario." Rei was in front of Commander Ikari's desk. His aim shook. "You no longer control the scenario. Let me wear your disease."
He kept his pistol trained, but he knew that he was already lost. She held all the cards, and he had none. Calmly, he uncocked the pistol and holstered it. From underneath his desk, he retrieved the briefcase containing the embryo of Adam and opened it. He gently picked it up and held it for Rei. She took it and turned around.
"Will you let me see Yui, once more?"
Rei lifted her shirt and forced Adam through her skin, into her womb.
"I am not a doll."
Klaxons blared in the distance.
The door juddered as it slammed against the wall with a mighty force. Shinji entered Rei's apartment. Once, this place was a second home, but now he was a trespasser. He caught his breath, as he ran the entire distance to his destination. He took cautious, conscious steps, not even removing his shoes.
"Rei?" he called out breathlessly.
Nobody answered.
A glint on the ground caught his eye, moonlight reflecting off glass. He picked it up and studied it. It was his father's frames bent in crooked angles and with cracked, scratched lens. Confusion and worry crawled up Shinji. He tried to consider all the possible places where Rei could be at that moment. His thoughts were interrupted by a ringing in his pocket. He dropped the glasses and ran out while taking the call.
Commander Ikari's glasses rested, broken and forgotten.
Firewalls shot down all throughout the underground labyrinth in a vain, fruitless attempt to keep the angel out. It had already descended straight down into Central Dogma and was now stationary.
Unit-01 hurtled down the service shaft in hot pursuit of the angel, g-forces propelling its freefall. Misato's voice broke down into harsh, unrecognizable static. Whether it was pure noise or crystal clarity, Shinji wasn't listening. His mind focused on a single task: to kill the angel. Nobody knew where Rei was when he came to Nerv, and now this thing interrupted his search. He would kill the angel, and he could look for Rei once more.
As he reached the end of the shaft, the lights burned out, briefly surrounding Shinji in pitch black as he plunged.
Into Hell. Shinji landed with a dull thud, an entrance marked by a wave of salt flying up and falling down, and looked around. A wasteland of salt populated by stalagmites. A crimson cosmos burning above. The final circle of Nerv. An intense pressure pushed down on Shinji, and he didn't know if it was due to the oppressive atmosphere of this damned place or an after effect of his freefall. He noticed a massive metal gate and rammed through it. He entered and despaired.
"Rei?"
The girl floated in front of the crucified behemoth that was Lilith. It bled. Rei faced Shinji.
"Rei, please… please just come to me."
"It is too late. This is my destiny. I will save you."
"I don't need you to do anything, Rei! I don't care what you are! You don't need to do this! I'm sorry! Please!" Shinji screamed.
Rei floated towards Lilith.
"Rei!"
Unit-01's steps dug into the ground, creating indents in the metal flooring, as it lunged for Rei. It never reached her. A mass of appendages grew from Lilith's midsection towards Rei. Shinji watched as Lilith swallowed Rei in her embrace. The return of her soul. It grew legs and broke free of the cross. Its mask melted and revealed an image of Rei. The being grew and penetrated through the ceiling, breaching the surface, and rose to the heavens.
"Rei!"
He called her name out again and again. Shinji's arms and legs grew heavy, paralyzed with helplessness. Monstrous wings sprouted from Unit-01's back. He ascended.
Lilith grew ever higher, now above the clouds and amongst the stars. Shinji joined her, poised right in front of her face.
Humanity cried out in a single chorus. The harmony created by collective destruction of all their AT fields. The unification of billions into one.
The girl sat in still waters under a blue sky. The boy laid his head on the girl's lap. The girl stroked the boy's hair. Both are exposed to each other, nothing to hide.
"Is this what you want?" the boy asked.
"Yes. The world is overflowing with sadness. People are surrounded by emptiness. Here, nobody can isolate you or betray you."
"But that's what you think I desire. Look into your heart. What is it that you truly wish for?"
"Your happiness."
"But this doesn't make me happy. I don't think it does. This isn't real."
The boy paused.
"Why do you define your happiness by my own?"
"Because there is nothing else for me. I am a shell with a borrowed soul."
"But that's not true. You aren't nothing. You're Rei."
Rei froze. Shinji stood up and held out a hand for Rei.
"I can help you, but only you can take the first step. Please, let's stop this."
Rei's gaze switched between Shinji's hand and face.
"I despise my reflection. I am cold. I close myself off and bar others from entering. I fear loneliness and cling to you to hide that fear, but I do love you. One day, I want to stand on my own feet so that I can love you without reservation."
She took Shinji's hand.
They woke up on the beach to an ocean of LCL and white sand. The moon and night sky scarred with a bloody gash. Both children, in their school uniforms, sat with their knees tucked to their chests. Rei turned to her right; Shinji stared towards the ocean with a sullen expression. She looked ahead as well, and breathed in deeply. She leaned against his shoulder. Shinji whimpered, then cried softly.
Eventually, others would find their way back, but until they returned, it would just be her and Shinji. Her and Shinji. Her Shinji.