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Falling asleep in a different bed than his own was nothing new to Percy. His entire life was spent switching schools, moving from place to place, sometimes going days without sleeping. To him, anything with a pillow and blanket was something to be thankful for. But sleeping here, in the place he had first gotten attacked, where he felt closest to his dad, sleep was never peaceful.
Once his eyes finally shut, his mind was immediately overcome with demigod dreams— fleeting images and scenes that seem way too real for them to be a part of his imagination. For a half blood like Percy, dreams were a form of communication.
On this particular night, the first of the small summer vacation that the Jackson-Blofis family is taking, Percy’s dreams took him back to when he was about fifteen years old. The sun in his eyes was blinding, and all around him were piles and piles of trash among the desert terrain. He looked around, trying to grasp where he was. It only clicked when he noticed the giant automaton rising from the rubble in front of him. His mouth went dry, his entire body shook. He was no longer a kid, but he felt smaller than ever. A pressure appeared in his hands; a mythomagic figurine of Hades. Percy knew exactly where he was.
His body twisted trying to move toward the giant machinery, but nothing happened. The more he fought against the sand, the harder it was to stay balanced. The sun made it almost impossible to see anything but the shiny moving metal coming toward him.
The closer it got, the more horrible the sounds were. Sheet metal creaking and twisting inside the robot like breaking bones, crushing itself with its own weight. A failure of a brilliant idea thrown away, waiting to get revenge on whoever made him. Then another sound hit Percy’s ears. From somewhere inside of the machine was a high pitched scream, a noise he didn’t remember hearing in real life. He recognized the voice— Bianca di Angelo— but he remembered that she wasn’t screaming when it had really happened. To him, it was just a taunt, a way to remind him that he couldn’t help her then, and he can’t help her now.
Suddenly the voice changed. As the robot moved in closer, the scream shifted to crying. A bawl so loud it pierced Percy’s ears. He looked down in his hands. Where the figurine was in his palm now was a little green pacifier. The crying got louder and Percy realized who was inside of the robot. His legs thrashed against the earth but wouldn’t budge. Tears streamed down his face, but the robot was about to collapse, just as it did the first time. And he felt just as helpless.
As the automaton tumbled down on top of Percy, the crying got louder, louder, until it deafened the demigod. He clutched the pacifier and everything went dark.
Percy shot awake, face wet with tears, heaving to catch his breath. A baby was crying in another room, the same cry from his dream. For a second, he thought he was still dreaming, but Percy quickly realized that it was very real. He shot out of bed and ran to where the cry was coming from. Percy locked his eyes on the baby and relaxed. She was okay.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Percy whispered in a shaky voice, once again trying to be the bravest one in the room. “I’m right here, don’t cry, it’s okay.”
Percy made his way to the crib and scooped up his baby sister.
“Percy’s got you.” His own words made him sit down, tears spilling over the soft pastel blanket engulfing the baby.
All that the demigod could think about was the people he had lost. Everyone who fought for him, against him, and with him, dying at the hands of something completely within Percy’s control. If he had just trained harder, or maybe was a little less careless— maybe not as many lives would be lost. Percy’s arms shook around his sister, his tears stagnant on his cheeks.
The baby had stopped crying, but she definitely wasn’t comfortable either. Percy looked at her, studied her body language. Her legs were kicking and her arms reached out, twisting and kneading the blanket she was wrapped in. Percy thought about how restless he was when he was a kid, never able to stop moving and thinking. He wondered what was going on inside of her little mind. He wanted to take any of the bad things out and give it to himself. He wanted to take all of her unease and place it on his own mind. I can handle it, Percy thought.
Lost in his own thoughts, the demigod jumped at a knock behind him.
“Good morning,” Sally Jackson was leaning on the door frame.
Percy wiped his face then looked out the window— very obviously not morning. He laughed.
“Hey, mom. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”
“Please, both of my babies are crying in the middle of the night. Motherly instincts woke me up.” Sally made her way to the couch where Percy was sat and plopped down next to him, embracing his head for a kiss to his temple. Her hand traced his wet cheeks and wiped the rest of his tears away as Percy leaned into her hand.
“You know,” Sally started. “She gets those strong lungs from the Jackson side. All you would do was cry and cry and cry—“
“Okay, mom, I get it.” Percy laughed again. Leave it to Sally Jackson to turn tears into laughter instantly. Percy nodded off. “But maybe…”
Sally studied her son, noticing the look on his face— the one he always got when his mind was moving too fast for his mouth.
“Maybeeeee what?” She moved her hand to rub his back, letting him know she was right there with him.
“I don’t know,” Percy shook the thoughts out of his head. “I don’t know. I just want her to be okay.”
“Percy,” Sally sat up to get his attention. “Estelle has a family that loves her more than anything.”
“I know that, of course, but… But what if taking her here was a bad idea?”
“Bad idea?” Sally shook her head. “We’ve been coming her since before you were born, Percy, of course we’re going to bring her with us.”
“But this is where it all started. This is where we first got attacked, where everything started, where— where you met dad.”
Percy spoke as if he were bitter at his own life, as if he could have changed the series of events that led up to this moment. That wasn’t true, of course. Percy was extremely thankful for the life he was given. Sometimes, though, when observing the mortal side of his family, he wondered what it would be like to live like that, too.
“Percy,” Sally used her mom voice to grab his attention, making sure he was listening to every word she said. “This place is ours. It does not belong to the gods, it does not belong to your father. She is safe here because it belongs to us. And she is safe because she has you.”
Percy shook his head again, shaking out everything he’d been thinking about since they’d arrived.
“But what if I’m not strong enough? What if something comes to take her and I can’t be there for her? The first time we got attacked here, we barely made it out— I wasn’t able to save you, I just let it take you away from me—“
“Percy,” Sally placed a hand on his cheek, once again wet with his tears. “You were twelve.”
At these words, and at the sight of Estelle peacefully asleep in his arms, Percy cried. He let out the tears that he had been holding in for his friends, his family, himself. All of the people lost, all of the battles he couldn’t have won even if he had all of the training in the world. Part of being a demigod was understanding that you can’t always be the hero, and Percy knew that. But sometimes all of the broken faces he’d seen after battle haunted him. How was he so lucky as to still have all of the people he loved most? Would fate eventually catch up to him?
Percy thought of his nightmare, of Bianca di Angelo. He thought about the promise he’d made— and broken— to her little brother all those years ago. He knows he didn’t kill her. But when he tried to stop her, he’d just let her go. Was that his fault? And would the gods take away Estelle the way he took away Bianca?
“Hey,” Sally snapped Percy out of thought once again. “Whatever you’re thinking, you can tell me. You know I get you more than anyone.”
Percy smiled. He was extremely lucky to have a family he could rely on like this. It made him feel warm thinking about the type of love that Estelle would feel as she grew up.
“I never want her to hurt,” Percy held his sister closer. “I want to be there for her as much as I can. I want to protect her, but… What if I’m not strong enough?”
Sally furrowed her brows. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever known, Percy.”
“Yea,” The demigod huffed. “I get that from you.”
“And she will, too.” Sally placed her hand on Estelle, cradling her head.
The baby was peacefully at rest now, her body weight full leaning into Percy. He felt her heartbeat, her warmth throughout her body. He could feel the rise and fall of her breathing. She couldn’t have been more than 20 pounds, but Percy felt as if she was unmovable. He wanted to stay perfectly still and let her rest for however long she wanted, until she woke up and begged to play with him. And then he would, until she fell asleep in his arms all over again.
“She knows how much you love her,” Sally’s voice was low and soft, trying not to wake the peaceful slumber. “She can feel all of your love, every ounce of it. She doesn’t have to understand what you’re saying to know how you feel. Estelle is very aware that her big brother will always be there for her.”
Big brother, Percy’s mind repeated. He’d been called that by everyone he’d ever met since his mom announced she was pregnant, and it still felt odd. That phrase doesn’t encompass how I feel, he thought. I love her more than any brother has ever loved his little sister.
That thought sent a snowball of emotions tumbling down Percy’s brain, reaching his mouth before he could think about it.
“Is it bad that I love her more than Annabeth?” Percy’s eyes searched his mom for answers, the way they did whenever he was told he didn’t belong somewhere.
Sally laughed hard, but tried her best to stay quiet. “That’s normal, Percy. And very different. Of course Annabeth should be your everything, but Estelle is a part of you. It’s a different type of love, and that’s okay.”
Percy just nodded and dropped his head to watch his sister sleep. Her drowsiness affected him, making his body sink deeper into the couch.
“Looks like you’d be a wonderful father, though.” Sally teased. Percy’s head shot up, his red cheeks cutting through the dim lighting.
“Mom!”
“I’m just messing with you.” Sally nudged her son. “I know how difficult it is for you two to…”
Her sentence faded off, but Percy knew exactly what she meant.
Demigods don’t usually get the best end of the stick— always fighting, defending, being sent off to fight wars and run errands. Barely anytime for a serious relationship, let alone a kid. It’s not that he and Annabeth hadn’t talked about starting a family, but they wanted to just see how it goes and make it through college first. Then, if both of them felt ready enough, they’d get a house together. And then they might start thinking about starting a family. The whole thing stressed Percy out, but that was one thing he loved about Annabeth; She always has a plan.
“All I know,” Sally snapped her attention back at Percy, placing her hand under his chin. “Is that Perseus Jackson can handle anything that’s thrown at him.”
Percy’s eyes swelled with tears again, but it was not out of fear or shame. Percy was loved, he felt whole for the first time in his life. He was holding the weight of the world in his hands— no. He had done that before, and he knew Estelle was more fragile and important to him than the entire world balanced on his shoulders. He looked down at the sleeping baby and smiled. The future was going to be bright because Estelle was in it now.
“You should get some sleep,” Sally stood from the couch. “Big day tomorrow.”
“What? We’re going to the boardwalk.”
“Yea. Better rest those dart throwing hands or else you’ll end up embarrassed like last year.” Sally mimed throwing darts at a board, a boardwalk tradition that had caused competitive tension for years.
“Oh, please,” Percy scoffed. “Last year does not count!”
The two laughed about the normal mortal mishaps that have become more frequent in their lives and Percy, for just a moment, feels a wave of normalcy. A family tradition at a family vacation home— things were starting to look average for the Jackson family. Not that Percy didn’t love all of his years at camp and as a demigod, but sometimes he wondered what a completely and utterly normal life would be like.
He set Estelle back down in her crib, setting the soft fabric over her body as she cooed. He smiled down at her, admiring the softness of her cheeks and the way her hair was just barely to her ears. Her arms stretched out and her legs kicked, imitating what looked like mountain climbing. Percy watched her body move and contort and wondered what was going on inside of that little head. He bent down and kissed her temple.
“I’m sure your dreams are more peaceful than mine,” Percy whispered to his sister. “But if that ever changes, you can always come and find me.”
Percy left the room and shut the door behind him, leaving it slightly cracked. Something about making sure their rooms remained connected, his door open at all times, just seemed right to Percy. If he couldn’t be the hero for the entire world, he wanted to at least be a hero for Estelle.
Percy closed his eyes and for the first time in a very long time, had a totally peaceful sleep.