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“For God’s sake Dec!” Ali’s voice rang through the hall as she stamped into their room, flinging clothes into a travel bag haphazardly. “I’m your fiance,” she sighed, exasperated.
Dec padded up the stairs slowly, like his body knew how much he was lacking the patience for this conversation.
“Ali, it’s just another stupid article. A load of bollocks written in a nondescript magazine. Hardly anyone will have read it, and even less will give a damn.” Dec tried to soften his tone as he reached where Ali was sat; the article flung down next to her on the duvet.
“You’re engaged to me, Dec. Why are they still managing to create articles like this?” Ali’s voice hitched and she stared down at her hands, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer to that question.
Dec glanced over the brightly coloured article, titled ‘More than a bromance?’ and felt a faint stab in his chest. It was an odd sight to see, his fiance holding a magazine dotted with photos of him and Ant looking, well, like they were the recently engaged couple. He wasn’t sure it was a sight he wanted to experience often, if only because he was afraid of his own tangled emotions.
Ali was used to it of course, the media portraying the two men as more than just good friends, but now that her and Dec’s relationship had grown more serious, those photos dug into her chest and hit places she didn’t know she had. Some of the photographs were old, but some were more recent and they made Ali’s stomach turn. Was it the green tinge of jealousy lapping at her insides or her reaction to simply wanting to protect what now belongs to her?
“You’re right,” Dec chimed, “you are my fiance and you have nothing to worry about pet. So throw that damn magazine away and let’s get ready for tonight okay?” Dec leant over to kiss Ali’s cheek, swallowing his guilt as his lips pressed against her soft skin.
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Dec shivered as he turned up his coat collar against the biting wind. “Bloody hell” he cursed, almost jogging down the front steps onto the street. He knocked on the dark blue door, adorned with a holly wreath, burying his hands deeper into his pockets.
“Finally!” Dec exclaimed, as Ant’s cheery smile met him on the other side of the door.
“Could have caught my death out there Anth, I’m telling ya! If youse lived any further away I would’a froze solid right there on the path!”
“Don’t be so bloody dramatic,” Ant chided warmheartedly, pulling Dec to him by the elbows and clasping his hands in his own, blowing on them. They exchanged a playful glance, before parting so Dec could remove his coat.
“Where’s Ali?” Ant enquired, shutting the front door.
“She went to see her folks before we headed up home for tomorrow. She insisted I should still accept the invite and send on her apologies.” Dec avoided Ant’s gaze, not wanting to admit the real reason for her absence. Dec imagined the taller man’s reaction, ‘my fiance’s psyche is rather fragile, she gets jealous of our relationship and couldn’t quite handle another night with the two of us!’ Or at least that’s what he had concluded, from Ali’s protests earlier that day.
The shorter man took a breath and shook the image from his mind. “Like I would miss a party at the McPartlin household, ha!” Dec nudged Ant’s shoulder, grinning. Ant held Dec’s gaze for a second longer, realising something wasn’t quite right; but knowing Dec like he does, decided this wasn’t the right moment to bring it up. Ant squeezed his partner’s hand for the briefest second before both walking down the hall into the party.
The room was lit by the dim glow of fairy lights draped across the mantle and a fully decorated tree stood tall in one corner, adding just the right amount of christmas ambiance. Lisa was always good at that, Dec thought.
“Declan! Loving the snowman jumper, matches your rosy cheeks.” Lisa grinned affectionately, handing the shorter man a glass of champagne.
“Aye, I’m nothing if not a style icon Lisa,” Dec joked.
“Woah, hey now,” Ant interrupted, “you mustn’t have noticed the work of art I’ve chosen to wear this evening,” pointing down at his christmas tree jumper, “adorned with real lights may I add.” Ant lifted his head proudly.
“Give over, you numpty.” Dec laughed, pinching one of the now flashing lights. “Hey, Phil! Who’s wearing the better jumper?” Dec called over to where Phillip and Holly stood by the fireplace.
“Ohhh, why definitely you Dec!” Phil laughed, his voice merry with alcohol.
Dec turned to Ant with a smug grin, whose mouth hung open in utter disbelief.
“ExCUSE me! Hello. Flashing. Lights. Waaay cooler than a bit of fluff stuck on a jumper.” Ant huffed, pouting. A smile crept across Dec’s face, partly because he won but mainly because Ant was so damn adorable when he sulked.
“Ahh, sorry Ant,” Phillip laughed, “they’re just so tiny I couldn’t see them from here.”
Holly chuckled, “Well Ant, I think you look simply dashing,” holding up her glass in his direction.
“Shurrrrup you lot, and let’s get this party really started.” The voice traveled over the buzz of conversation in the room, which died down as everyone turned in the direction of Stephen, who was trying with some difficulty to turn on the karaoke machine.
“Oh here we go..” Lisa rolled her eyes, laughing. As people gathered round the machine, Stephen tossed a microphone to Dec, “time to shine Declan!”
Ant came to stand next to Dec, putting his arm around the shorter man. “Come on, we’ll do it together.” Ant smiled, as the track started playing.
“IIIIIII, don’t want a lot for christmas,” Stephen began, “there is just one thing I need.”
“I just want you for my own..” Dec continued
“More than you could ever know.” Dec glanced up as Ant joined in, swaying.
“Make my wish come true,” Stephen chimed.
Dec leaned into Ant slightly, “All I want for christmas, is youuuu.”
As the jingle bells began, everyone joined in while Dec passed round the mic. He placed his hand on Ant’s waist, watching Fearn pretty much butcher the chorus. The lyrics drifted through his mind and he realised how true they were. All he wants, all he’s ever wanted really, is Ant. God, he’s such a soppy git. He wondered if Ant was thinking the same thing in that moment, but he looked so engrossed in watching everyone singing, Dec doubted it. As the song finished, everyone cheered and broke off into groups.
“Youse alright love?” Ant asked quietly, keeping his arm locked around Dec, “you looked out of it for a bit there.”
“Mm, I’m grand, yeah.” Dec replied softly. Ant didn’t have time to press further though, because Lisa grabbed her husband by the arm and whisked him away for a dance.
Dec sat on a nearby arm chair watching the two of them, thinking how perfect they looked, leaning in to share some sort of joke. How Lisa fit just so into the curves of Ant’s torso and he wondered if that’s the way he looked when he was with Ant. Did Ant’s eyes always shine like that? Could he even give Ant what Lisa had given him the past 8 years? God how he hoped he could. He knew Ant loved him, he’d shown him plenty of times, but in that moment he hated himself for the way he felt. He hated how he fell so hard for his best friend, disrupting the peaceful foundations Ant and Lisa had built for themselves. And how Ant had to go and love him right back, throwing what little reserve Dec had left, to the wind. How he’d gone and made it a thousand times worse because that’s what Declan Donnelly does, by proposing to Ali. He only wanted someone to soothe the ache in his heart, perhaps the pain and guilt from all the secrets and hiding would be made less by trying to love someone else. But as Dec caught Ant’s eye, he knew it was hopeless. He loved Ant too fucking much and he was too weak. His heart was too fragile and it held room for only one.
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The christmas lights twinkled softly as the sound of Ant’s whistling drifted through the hall. The dark haired man walked into the now empty front room, bin liner in hand, collecting plastic plates and sweet wrappers that were strewn around the room. He glanced at the clock, 1:18am and felt a slight pounding in his head. It disappeared as quickly as it came though, a smile playing on his lips, as he noticed Dec with his legs propped up, scrolling through his phone on the sofa.
“Sod it.” Ant tossed the liner aside and fell back on the sofa, leaning over to rest his head on Dec’s arm, closing his eyes. Dec glanced up at the contact, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.
“I can still tell when you’re staring at me with me eyes closed, Declan.” Ant mumbled. Which just made Dec’s smile widen.
“Hey, I was thinking..”
“Mm?” Ant lifted his eyebrows in response, not quite ready to open his eyes.
“Do you fancy doing a quick Periscope to wish the twitterers a merry christmas?”
Ant peeked through one eye to look up at his best friend, “It’s quite late Deccy..”
“Aye, I know but,” he bends then, to reach something on the floor, “we’ve still got wine left,” holding up a half empty wine bottle. “Besides.. I've already tweeted that we would.” Dec smiled sheepishly.
Ant chuckled and something in Dec’s expression convinced him because he pushed himself off the sofa and grabbed two champagne glasses from the side board. “These’ll do, I reckon.” Ant mused, rubbing a smudge of lipstick from one edge of the glass and handing them to Dec.
“I’ll set it up on my phone shall I? What about placing it here by the telly?”
“Yep, smashing,” Dec replied, filling the glasses with wine.
Ant set a countdown for the broadcast and propped himself up on the sofa, taking a glass from Dec.
As the timer beeped Dec smiled, “hello there! We hope you’ve all had a brilliant Christmas Eve. We’ve had a bit of a party tonight haven’t we, Ant?”
“Indeed, hence the late timing of this Periscope.. which was this one’s idea.” Ant nodded in Dec’s direction in mock disapproval.
As his partner began to state every good reason why they were doing a Periscope broadcast at 1:30 in the morning, Ant felt himself half staring, half smiling at Dec. God, was Dec always this animated when he’d had a few? He wondered how he looked to the people watching. ( Was there anyone watching?) He probably looked drunk. He hoped it looked that way anyway; and not incredibly love sick. He had a feeling it was the latter. But he was also pretty drunk, so it was unlikely he could trust his own assumptions at this point. He was half way through thinking how perfectly disheveled Dec looked, with his shirt semi untucked, when he noticed his friend holding up his glass towards the camera.
“... so cheers to you lot, and to you,” Dec finished. Ant raised his own glass hurriedly, attempting to hide the fact he hadn't been listening the whole time, but his slight panic caused the glasses to clang against each other, sending wine over the edge and staining the carpet a dark red.
“Whooops!” Dec chuckled, observing the situation.
“Quick, get a cloth Dec will ya?”
As Dec left the room, Ant assessed the damage. “Shite, Lisa’s gonna kill us.”
When Dec returned, cloth in hand, he noticed the worry skewing Ant’s features. He knelt down next to Ant to clean up the spillage and placed his hand gently on top of Ant’s, “Hey, don’t worry love,” Dec’s natural affection creeping into his voice.
When Dec managed to remove as much of the stain as possible he stood up and joined Ant on the sofa; and as he did so, Ant shifted his body to rest against the shorter man. A strange fatigue had come upon him and he was just so fucking tired. Of the socialising. Of keeping up the pretenses. Of pretending that he wasn’t completely in love with his best friend and of constantly worrying this was the day Lisa was finally going to catch him out. The alcohol probably wasn’t helping. He sighed, and moments later, he felt Dec’s arm pulling him closer. He relaxed then, the tensions of the day slipping away as he found himself breathing in Dec’s familiar scent; the subtle muskiness of his aftershave and, after nestling deeper into Dec’s side, the faintest trace of washing powder.
With the Periscope broadcast all but forgotten, he reached over to link his fingers through Dec’s, who turned slightly to gaze at the man in his arms.
“What’re you thinking?” the question drifted on the still air, answered only by the steady breaths of the two men. Ant liked the quiet. It almost felt like he and Dec could be the last two people left in the entire world. He smiled at that thought.
“I’m thinking how I never want to move from this spot, and how I want to grow old with you and be able to hold your hand whenever the hell I want. I could also really like, do with a piss.” Ant heard Dec chuckle and then sniffle and upon looking up, saw he had been crying.
Ant sat up and caught the tears dripping from Dec’s jaw, and then leaned down to press a kiss against his cheek. Dec didn’t need to say anything aloud, from just one look in those hazel eyes, Ant knew everything that needed to be said.
He pulled Dec down with him then, so that they were both laid, somewhat snugly, side by side on the sofa. Dec draped an arm across Ant’s torso and breathed out deeply, entwining their hands again. The fairy lights cast shadows on the ceiling that flickered softly as Ant drew circles upon his lover’s hand. Ant had lost all sense of time, entranced by the light show unfolding above him, savouring this small corner of calm he’d been able to have with Dec.
Ant sensed Dec shuffling next to him and, turning his gaze towards him, saw that Dec was gazing sleepily up at him. Ant smiled at this, there wasn’t much else in the world that made him quite as content as seeing Dec’s sleepy face next to him.
“I wish it could be like this all the time.” The words, though spoken softly, seemed to shatter the peaceful silence growing around them.
“Oh Declan,” Ant’s reply came out desperate and sad. He propped himself up with his elbows, taking in every line of the face he loved so much, trying to commit the sight to memory. He closed the gap between them as if in slow motion, capturing Dec’s mouth with his own, slow and deliberate. He trailed kisses along Dec’s jawline, to his ear and back to his cheek.
“I love you Declan Donnelly.”
Thoughts swirled around Dec’s tired mind as he peered up at the man he loved. His whole life was so fucked. With every kiss and every caress, he was falling deeper in love with the wrong person. He squeezed his eyes tighter and tried to focus on Ant’s breathing.
Ant didn’t know what time it was, but he’d been listening to the steady breaths of the man beside him for a while now, not wanting to disrupt his sleep. He should get up though, the aching in his head was growing stronger with each passing minute. Not to mention what they’d look like if Lisa was to find them in a few hours, wrapped around each other like they were.
Ant allowed himself a few more moments, counting Dec’s breaths before he gently lifted his arm from underneath the sleeping man and wriggled his way off the sofa. His feet touched something damp on the carpet and, upon seeing the wine stain, he remembered quite suddenly the broadcast they had made earlier. Panic swam through Ant’s blurred thoughts, but as Dec murmured something in his sleep behind him, the taller man’s mind cleared. How could something so pure be something to be ashamed of? In that moment his love for Dec overpowered every other feeling.
And perhaps it was the alcohol in his system or just maybe because it was Christmas in a matter of hours, but as Ant turned to plant a kiss on top of Dec’s head and tuck a blanket around him, he felt a peace that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. He stood up and walked to where he’d left his phone, noticing the red broadcast light flashing. Ant laughed to himself, leaning in towards the speaker and whispered,
“Merry Christmas.”