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The thought of you, it makes me weak,
The torment my mind brings with every blink,
I try to forget, to fulfil the emptiness,
The sorrow that haunts my dreams,
“ Why did you retire then? If you missed me so much!!!!!” Yuki screamed with irritation and frustration. He wished he could take back those as words as soon as he said them.
The injury and guilt pooling in bottomless depths in Momo’s fuschia pink eyes as he tried to hold back his tears were not worth Yuki's instinctual verbatim vitriol of anger from the day’s minute tiredness of acting and mentoring. He couldn't face that gaze any longer. Thus, he left their suburban house again and decided to stay in a hotel in the city again. Ever since the date for the surgery came nearer and nearer, Yuki has found it harder to stay at home, convinced that Momo won’t come back to him again once the surgery is finished. Little did Yuki know, however, that it would be the last time he could gaze into those soulful eyes who gave up everything to follow Yuki.
After all, they both know exactly why Momo retired from the entertainment world. They both remembered the doctor’s verdict after all. If it came as a shock to Yuki, it was a very low blow to Momo’s pride as an athlete and outgoing persona.
“Sunohara Momose, your previous injury from your teenage years of playing soccer has caused early onset arthritis. To prevent it from becoming worse, we recommend surgery to prevent the joint from becoming more irritable as ageing becomes more prevalent in your bones. We hope you understand that you need to cut back on strenuous activity and keep moderate exercise to stay healthy. “
They were both nearing 50 when the statement was pronounced by the doctor. By then, they had already cut down plenty of their dance routines and mostly sang Re:vale songs together with hardly any physical exertions. They both had gained their titles as legends in the entertainment world for their variety shows and acting gigs, no matter whether it was solo or if they were together. Their solid traction over the years has made them the nation’s beloved idol duo. This news by the doctor was a sudden setback to the both of them.
The end of the road for Re:vale was coming soon.
“ Momo and Yuki, we thank you very much for your dedication to Re;vale all these years. If it weren't for the both of you, Okazaki Agency wouldn't have grown so big and gained so many new talents and superstars. Now, let us do what we can so you both may retire in peace, “ Okarin was solemn as he pronounced their retirement for them.
Yuki and Momo argued that they could still continue on and unable to withstand the heat of the duo’s ferocity, the three of them came to a compromise. Yuki will continue his work as an actor but will mostly be guiding the newbie actors in the industry since his role nowadays is more towards a parental or a boss figure in the movies he plays now. Momo even calls him the ikemen elder giving guidance to younger gentlemen. Rarely, Yuki ends up playing as the love interest, unless the drama theme has some really obscure love story with a large age gap.
Momo has more or less fully retired and has become one with the neighbourhood in which they have bought their suburban house which is more towards the countryside but it’s still possible to travel to the city by car. He gained a new title as the cheerful “Momo” of the neighbourhood since they moved to the housing area 3 years ago and has gained him the attraction of the housewives and the old ladies of the neighbourhood who love his positive energy and good natured behaviour. Momo still works part-time as a veteran MC since Shimooka has retired a few years back, officially tutoring the younger idols who want to make a career as MC’s alongside Mitsuki. However, this still leaves him with plenty of free time, which he uses to manage Yuki’s schedule alongside Okarin- Re;vale former’s manager.
Your face is burned into the back of my eyes,
my heart is broken and my soul cries,
I lost the love that was there for so long,
And now I'm lost and don't know where I belong.
Momo’s cheerful smile has never diminished in its brightness and it has continued to cheer Yuki up, even with all the newly added crinkles from the laugh lines around his eyes. It was proof, after all, that happiness has won for Momo and he has come a long way from viewing himself as Banri’s replacement to just being Momo- Yuki’s best friend for life and his symbol that he hadn't wasted his life in his passion for music and ignored forming human relationships.
That was all in the past, though. Now, Yuki wakes up from bed to face the always open curtain and is trying to constantly fill the blast of piled up dirt in his heart with warmth- the warmth that he so carelessly lost because of one mistake which he will regret for the rest of his life.
He wakes up, goes through the motions but like the hourglass which doesn’t turn back time, he has endless regret which he spends the rest of his life repaying for. He retires from the entertainment world completely, in terms of acting and composing and lives the rest of his life on the fortune he has built through his acting prowess and work as part of Re:vale alongside his work as a composer. He spends the rest of his free time lovingly cultivating the garden he and Momo have worked hard together to build in the backyard.
He remembers Momo wanting a peach tree in the backyard. Yuki often grumbled that there was barely any space for his flower bush and his vegetable patch. They used to have endless quarrels about it. Now, he uproots the harvested vegetables,discards the rest, and clears the rose bush. This takes a few days of manual labour before he plants his first set of peach seeds. Once the seeds have grown into steady little plants, he transplants them to the best spot in the back garden with the best sunlight. A few summers later, the little plants would become large trees through the steady and expertly tender care of Yuki. Yuki would be 58 that year and he would move a long rectangular bench to sit under the canopy of the emerald leaves and he would often bring a book along to escape reality. After all, the muse in his heart has been discarded long ago and with it his passion for music has crumbled into mere specters of dust.
We had a future, a life, it would have been good,
But I left, disappeared, without a word,
My mistakes revolve in the back of my mind,
Like a Ferris wheel lost in time,
I wish I could go back, to correct my wrongs,
To be with you where I belong,
He still remembers the day it happened. It was right after he left Momo after the latest quarrel about Momo wanting Yuki to spend more time with him before he goes for his surgery which will hopefully reduce the aches and pains his joints have experienced from the arthritis over the years. It was 3 years after retiring from Re:vale that Momo finally agreed to the surgery. He was 54 and not too old yet to have the surgery performed on him. Yuki was scheduled to accompany him to the hospital and wait for the surgery to be over but due to an overlooked last minute change in schedule, he has to go elsewhere to shoot a scene as a mafia boss in a deserted island instead. Momo wasn't informed of it because Okarin told him to take a break from scheduling to focus on preparing for the surgery. This led to a quarrel and hurtful words were exchanged and it ended with Yuki shutting the door since he couldn't face Momo’s hurtful expression and Momo wanting to run after Yuki but he was drowning in guilt over his neediness. Little did both know that this would be the last exchange between them. One will go away and one will be left behind.
A few days later, Momo would undergo surgery for his leg. The surgery was successful and he was scheduled to leave in a few days. However, post surgery, he caught an infection which turned into a high fever and left him compromised. He flat-lined three times and the doctors were able to save him twice but on the third time, they pronounced him brain-dead. The doctor in charge called Yuki, who had just landed back in Japan from his latest shooting. Yuki overpaid the driver to borrow his car and has probably broken around 20 traffic rules to reach the hospital. He flagged a nurse, who promptly told him where Momo was, and ran and knelt at the hospital bed in the morgue. He gnawed and ached to do something, anything to stop feeling so useless but like a hopeless fool, he could only clutch Momo’s hand, whispering the same words over and over again.
“ Please, come back to me! It’s too early. It’s not even been 5 years since we retired, Honey. Didn’t you promise that this will be the start of our new life as retired old gentlemen. So why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me behind? If you were trying to punish me, I can take it. I can take anything. If you need to spit me any vitriol, do it. Just don’t leave me by myself. If you come back to me, I will do anything. I will eat all the fish and meat which you love. I will care a damn and quit all my jobs. Just don't leave me…”
However, Momo had his eyes closed, not even a single twitch. He clutched his hand for hours until the male nurses had to pull him off Momo as he tried to hold on. After maybe hours or minutes of struggling, he had to let go and when he did, he heard something snap forever. The remnants of a single ray of light had become a gaping immensely dark woodland forever.
The days flew by in a blur after that and it was the precious members of Idolish7, Trigger and Zool who held the funeral for Momo. Yuki was vaguely aware of the events surrounding him. Mitsuki and Ryuunosuke were the ones in charge of most of the preparations for the funeral since they were the closest to Momo. MEZZO’s adopted daughter, Aira-chan was the one who gave the eulogy, since Momo was one of her beloved uncles. The 14 idols took care of everything, from the catering to the floral arrangement and even the coffin basket to the crematorium preparations. When the time came to cremate Momo, Yuki sat outside the crematorium in a daze, smoking and looking at the sky at nothing in particular.
He still couldn't comprehend it.
Only a week ago, he heard Momo’s cheerful laugh as he showed him a bunch of grapes and bananas he obtained as a gift from one of the aunties. Momo had hurriedly packed a container of grapes and made banana smoothie in a flash before rushing Yuki out the door when he saw Yuki hadn't left the house yet for the latest movie he was starring in and he was due to meet the producer in 2 hours to prepare for filming. Yuki wished that time would stop at the time when both of them were content forever and he would have learned to memorise Momo’s smile better, the crinkle of his eyes as he looked at Yuki adorably. Yuki would have sold his entire career as an actor and musician but it was already too late. What was lost cannot be found again.
I realise now that I am regretfully broken,
How bad I hurt you,
How great we could have been,
It's too late to say I'm sorry, my words fall on deaf ears,
My sorrow is mine to keep along with all my tears.
As the years passed, the citizens of the neighbourhood would often look pityingly at the 60-year old man with the faded white shirt and light green overcoat, with his long straight silver hair in its impeccable hair tie of peach and green berries. He would sit by the nearby second bench to the right of the entrance of the playground and stare out at the distance.
Sometimes he would smile this nostalgic, sweet melancholic smile, raise a hand to his front and say, “Momo, I have been waiting for you.”
The wind would sometimes whisper in answer, caressing his cheek to reply as if to say, “Sorry, darling, I took so long to come back.”
The man would continue smiling and he would repeat the same words again: “ It’s alright. This time, I will wait for you. I will wait as long as it takes for you to come back home to me. Just like you did for me every day for 3 years since you retired and for that month before we formed our Re:vale. You are not alone anymore.”