Chapter Text
With a sigh, John turned over in his bunk, reaching out to move aside the thin curtain covering the window.
Today was.. honestly, it was just another day in a long line of days that were all starting to run together. He had no idea what day of the week it was, but in a place like Stalag Luft III, it really didn't matter.
The only thing he knew for sure was the fact that he'd been here for eight months now, and that each day felt exactly the same as the last. The lack of routine was starting to drive him crazy, and he felt as though he didn't have anything to keep him grounded to reality. Sure, they were given access to books and music, but there was only so long that he could sit around listening to music, and after eight months, the novelty had long since worn off.
The one positive thing he had to say was that the weather had taken up lately, at least.
When he'd last been in England, the weather had started to turn slightly colder, but nothing could have prepared him for the winter that they'd just experienced.
Some nights, when he'd been wrapped in his bunk with just his thin standard issue blanket, still in his boots and jacket in an attempt to keep warm, he'd almost felt as though he was going to die from the cold.
Some nights, he almost wished that he would.
He'd never said that out loud, but he couldn't deny that it was the truth. Looking around at the rest of the guys, he wasn't sure how they all still seemed so.. focused, when he felt as if he was falling apart at the seams. It didn't feel fair.
Gale, especially. He seemed to have fallen naturally into the role as their leader, which was the way it had always been, even back when they were stationed at Thorpe Abbotts. The only difference was that, back then, the guys had looked to him just as much as they'd looked to Gale, and it wasn't like that now.
He wasn't sure what had changed, but it felt like the rest of the guys had been giving him a wide berth lately. Not that they'd been outright avoiding him, but he could tell that they maybe didn't take him seriously anymore.
It was frustrating, was all, because he didn't see the reason for it. Back at Thorpe Abbotts, he'd been well liked, well respected, and he knew that the men had seen him as one of their most competent squadron leaders. Now, it felt like they thought of him as just some crazy that had to be placated, in order to keep him from going off the rails.
He hated every second of it.
Being trapped here made him feel like a caged animal. He was agitated, he was cold, he was starving, and he was sick of every day feeling the same as the last. There didn't seem to be any urgency in planning their escape either, which he couldn't wrap his head around.
Nobody wanted to be here, and so he didn't see why everybody else seemed happy to just sit here day after day and wait for something to happen. Gale had said they needed to be patient, and so everybody had listened, but what were they even being patient for? It was frustrating, was all.
The worst part was that it felt like even Gale didn't need him anymore.
Back in the day, it had been the two of them against the world. Major Cleven and Major Egan. The two Buckies. Now, he felt like more of an inconvenience to Gale more than anything else.
It had been a couple of days since they'd been joined both in the camp and their cabin by the three Tuskegee airmen; Jefferson, Macon, and Daniels. He hadn't made much of an effort to get to know them, but it wasn't hard to see that Gale had fallen into a friendship with Jefferson over the last few days.
That was fine, it wasn't like he was jealous. He just couldn't help but feel slightly bitter at the fact that Gale had tossed him aside, just because he had a new toy to play with.
It'd be me, and it'd be you, he remembered saying to Gale over breakfast one morning, months ago when they'd been still at Thorpe Abbotts. Gale had told him not to count on it, but he'd just smiled, because it had seemed ridiculous to even consider the idea that that wouldn't be the case. He should have listened to Gale's warning back then, he supposed.
Gale had come to him the other morning when he'd been out in the yard and had asked him if he was doing okay, but when he'd asked why wouldn't he be okay, Gale had barely been able to look at him when he'd insisted that he was only asking. That had spoiled the sentiment a little, if he was being honest.
He could tell that Gale thought that he was losing his mind, just like the rest of the guys seemed to think, but it wasn't like that.
Sure, he could admit that Gale catching him playing baseball by himself maybe made it look that way, but he was just keeping himself occupied. There was little else to do in here that still held his attention, and baseball was something that he'd always loved.
Keeping himself busy by acting out famous baseball games didn't mean that he was going off the rails. He'd asked some of the other guys if they'd wanted to play, but nobody had been interested, and so why was that his fault?
Right now, he'd resigned himself to the idea of staying in his bunk and wallowing for a while. There wasn't much going on; same as ever, but he hadn't slept great last night, and so he'd figured that he'd try and have a nap now while he was bored.
After laying and staring at the bottom of Crank's bunk for what felt like hours, though, his attention was drawn by the sound of voices outside. Looking out the window, he could see that it was pretty busy outside, but he wasn't surprised to see the other guys from the 100th gathered around the stump remover that they'd taken to using lately.
With the weather turning warmer, the ground had thawed out, and so it made it easier to use the stump remover. That was great, really, he just wasn't sure why the rest of the guys, and Gale especially, had made it their mission lately to pull up every damn stump in the camp.
He dragged himself up and out of his bunk, squinting against the sunlight as he stepped outside, "Whoa. This looks like a work camp, the way you jackasses are grinding away." He said as he made his way over to the rest of the group.
Gale glanced back at him as he approached, before shrugging his shoulders, "Now the ground's loosened up, we got a chance of getting wood for cook fires."
"Ah, take a break." He said, slapping Gale's shoulder with the back of his hand. He couldn't help but notice the way that Gale flinched slightly as he did, a faintly pissed off expression crossing his face as he looked back at him.
"Come on. Let's play some ball." He continued, ignoring the silence from Gale as he mimed swinging a baseball bat, "Boys, you wanna play some ball? Huh? No? Ball, Murph? Come on." He needled. He wasn't sure why everybody was just looking at him, and it was starting to piss him off, "Skins versus Bones. What do you say? Skins can be the, uh.. the away team. Actually, no. No, we're all away. We're both the away teams. So, Bones can take first bat by mutual agreement-"
"Either pitch in, or knock it off." Murph told him as he straightened back up.
He frowned, unsure as to what the fuck everybody's problem was. All he was doing was trying to get the guys to take a break, and he was met with nothing but hostile attitudes and the guys sliding sideways glances at each other.
He was so damn sick of it. He was sick of everybody looking at him like he was crazy.
"Why don't you shut the hell up?" He asked, lightly shoving at Murph's chest.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Gale stepped between them in the next second, shoving him hard enough in return to send him toppling to the ground, "You ain't gonna help, stay out of the way."
Being both taller and broader than Gale, he usually wouldn't have been phased by a shove like that, but he'd been so caught off guard by Gale shoving him at all, that he hadn't had time to catch his balance, and so he'd ended up on his back in the mud.
Still, he didn't pull himself to his feet, instead laughing as he folded his arms behind his head, "So you're the new king of the camp, and I'm just in the way?" He asked, the frustration bubbling up in him as he looked up at Gale, "Oh, King Cleven says no baseball. Just work, work, work. That's all he wants to do."
Gale looked faintly embarrassed as he glanced around the crowd that had gathered around them. Well, good. He was being an asshole to him for no reason, and so he was glad that he was embarrassed. It had been a long time since he'd gotten a rise out of him like that, and so he'd take what he could get.
"I'm sorry." Gale said softly, reaching down to offer him a hand up, "Come on."
He didn't take the hand, though, choosing instead to lightly kick his hand away as he looked back to the stump remover, "No. No, no, no, no, work. Work." He said, kicking his hand again, "You got a stump to pull, King Stump Stumpity Stump. Get to work."
He was tired of this. He was tired of Gale brushing him aside and treating him as though he was a lost cause. He could tell that his behaviour was pissing Gale off, but he couldn't have cared less right now. He was holding his attention for what felt like the first time in forever, and it felt so damn good; especially when Jefferson was just stood off to the side watching them.
"Come on. Get up, you loony." Gale said, reaching for him again, "Come on. Get up."
"No, get.. get back to work."
"Get up." Gale told him, grabbing his ankle this time and pulling, rather than simply reaching for him again. It seemed he was tired of asking, and it wasn't hard to see that his patience was growing thin. Well, good.
"Get off of me." He snapped, kicking at Gale just hard enough to throw him off balance too, and then they were both sprawled in the mud. Gale didn't let go of his leg, though, and so he grabbed at Gale's in return, holding onto him as he tried to wrestle himself free.
Gale shoved at him, trying to pull his leg free of his grip, "Get off." He growled, pushing at his shoulder again.
"How's that? Can't handle it?" He asked as he clung onto Gale's leg, refusing to let up even as the younger man slapped at his hands.
Their legs were wrapped over each other's with the way he was gripping Gale's calf, and while it would've been easier to untangle themselves and go have a civilised conversation somewhere that they weren't being watched, he couldn't deny the rush he felt at the fact that Gale was touching him, at the fact that he was holding his full attention. Besides, it wasn't like it was a proper fight, it was rough-housing more than anything else.
At an especially hard push from Gale, he lashed out with his free leg in an attempt to kick him back, and his foot caught Gale in the ribs. He didn't think that he'd kicked him that hard, but Gale fell back with a groan, obviously having had the wind knocked out of him.
"Oh, what, you can't handle i-"
His face exploded in pain then as Gale's fist connected with his nose, the force of the punch enough to send him flat on his back again.
For a moment, he just laid where he was, a groan spilling from his throat as he brought a hand up to cover his nose.
What the fuck?
Gale had just hit him. In all the years that he'd known Gale, in all of the petty arguments that they'd found themselves in, the younger man had never gone as far as to actually hit him.
"Hey! That's enough, fellas."
Gale wrenched his leg free as Colonel Clark approached them to break up the fight, although the older man's presence felt a bit unnecessary at that point. He kicked Gale's leg away from him, suddenly done with this whole situation. As much as he and Gale had been riling each other up, he hadn't thought that Gale would actually punch him square in the face.
His attention was drawn when a couple of the guards started shouting in German, and he pushed himself up onto an elbow, "What's going on?" He asked. It seemed that.. something had happened. The guards were frantically shouting, but he couldn't understand what they were shouting about.
"Looks like the Krauts got some bad news." Gale said as he dragged himself to his feet, putting his hands on his hips, "They landed, didn't they?"
"You think?"
It had been hard to stay connected to the outside world, although Gale had managed to keep them in the loop well enough with the makeshift crystal radio that he'd put together. From what they'd gathered, the Allied Forces were planning on a full scale invasion of Europe. He wondered if that was actually what had happened, and if this could be what set the wheels in motion for them getting out of here.
"We're in Western Europe. It finally happened." Gale said, turning his attention away from him and towards Colonel Clark.
He sighed as he watched Gale stepping away with Clark and a couple of the other guys, something unpleasant turning in his stomach at the way Gale walked off without a glance back in his direction.
He'd thought that he was getting somewhere, that this might have been the catalyst for getting things back on track with himself and Gale. Honestly, though? He was pretty sure this had only made things worse. Now, Gale seemed to actually be angry with him, rather than simply indifferent. It didn't feel great.
He glanced up as a hand was extended in his direction, although he was surprised to see that it was Jefferson offering him a hand up. He hadn't exactly gone out of his way to be friendly to the other man, and so he'd half been expecting him to follow off after Gale, rather than helping him up.
He sighed, taking Jefferson's hand and letting him pull him to his feet, "Thanks."
Jefferson put his hands in his pockets, looking a little bit lost for words as they stood together, "Are you alright?" He asked, "That looked like a nasty hit you took."
"I'm fine." He insisted.
He really didn't want to talk about it. Now that his annoyance with Gale had passed, he just felt embarrassed at the way things had gone down. Like he'd said, he'd only wanted to hold Gale's attention, and all he'd done was ended up causing a fight. The fact that they'd had an audience made it even worse.
Jefferson just nodded, "Alright, well if y-"
"I said I'm fine."
He appreciated the fact that Jefferson had helped him up, but he'd meant it when he'd said that he didn't want to talk about it. He was angry, he was embarrassed, and he wanted nothing more than to slink off and lick his wounds in peace.
Thankfully, Jefferson didn't say anything more, and so he turned to head back to their cabin, ignoring the concerned looks being sent in his direction as he passed. He didn't want sympathy, and he certainly didn't want anybody else asking him if he was okay.
He slammed the door shut behind himself once he'd reached the cabin, another groan slipping from him as he slumped back against the door.
God fucking damnit.
His face was throbbing with pain where Gale had hit him, although he was pretty sure that his nose wasn't actually broken. He wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with two black eyes, though. It might not have looked like it would be the case, but Gale had a nasty right hook on him. He'd just never expected to be on the receiving end of it.
He pulled off his shirt to leave him in just his undershirt, tossing the dirty garment onto the end of his bunk. It hadn't exactly been clean to begin with, but he hadn't planned on ending up covered in mud, and so he'd need to try and give it a wash at some point. His trousers were probably a lost cause by now.
Crawling into his bunk, he sighed as he turned to face the wall, folding his arms.
He hated this.
He hated being stuck here. He hated not knowing if they'd ever get out of here, or if they'd end up dying here. He'd meant it when he'd said to Gale that at least he could stand being dead. It seemed like an easier fate to stomach than the idea of being stuck here for God knows how long.
The one thing that had kept him from wandering a little too close to the fence was the fact that he and Gale were in this together, but what did that matter now? The truth was, Gale would probably be better off without him. They all would. All he'd done lately was get in the way.
He angrily scrubbed a hand over his face, doing his best to blink back the tears that were threatening to surface. He wasn't doing this. He refused to lay here and feel sorry for himself, but he was just so goddamn tired of trying to keep it together.
He didn't want to be here anymore. He just wanted to go home and be done with this nightmare.
He wasn't sure how long he laid there for, although he eventually heard the sound of the door opening and shutting again, somebody obviously having let themselves into the cabin. He didn't care; if he just stayed as he was and pretended to be asleep, then he doubted he'd be disturbed.
Still, he was surprised when he felt the thin mattress dip, followed by the sound of Gale's voice softly telling him to scoot over.
He sighed, although he did what he was told, moving closer to the wall in order to give Gale some space. He didn't turn over, though, he wasn't sure he could bring himself to face Gale after what had happened outside.
"What d'you want?" He asked.
"Are you alright?" Gale asked once he'd settled down, close enough that he could feel his presence just behind him, although they weren't quite touching.
"Fine."
He didn't want to have this conversation at all, let alone with Gale, and so he hoped that blunt, one word answers would be enough for him to get the hint. Honestly, he just wanted to be left alone, but he knew what Gale was like.
Gale sighed, before reaching out to gently brush his knuckles against his bare shoulder, "Will you look at me?" He asked.
He didn't want to, but he'd never been able to deny Gale anything that he'd asked, and so he turned over to face Gale, although he did his best to keep his walls up, in an attempt to keep some distance between them.
A frown crossed Gale's face as he looked at him, and he reached out again, although he stopped himself before actually touching him, dropping his hand into the space between them, "I'm so sorry." He said softly, "I shouldn't have hit you like that."
"It's fine." He shrugged.
"It's not." Gale insisted, a hard tone to his voice.
He just sighed, unsure as to what he was supposed to say. He hadn't expected Gale to come looking for him, and he certainly hadn't expected such an earnest apology.
He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected that, though. Gale was always the first person to admit when he was wrong, and to take responsibility for it. It was just because of the way things had been lately, he'd figured that Gale would probably feel as if he was justified in hitting him.
"Does it hurt?" Gale asked, something tender still in his voice.
He shrugged, "A little." He admitted. It was a hard punch that he'd taken, he wasn't about to pretend that it didn't hurt. He wondered if it was already starting to bruise.
Gale sighed, although he didn't actually say anything more about it, "John, what's going on?" He eventually asked, "It feels like you're slipping away from us."
He swallowed thickly, only just resisting the urge to shrink away from Gale's concerned gaze.
How could he even explain what was going on with him? He felt as though he was slipping away too, and he really didn't know how to articulate how he felt. How could he ever tell Gale that he was pretty sure they'd all be better off without him, and so maybe it was for the best if they just let him slip away?
"I think I am." He admitted softly, unable to bring himself to look at Gale, "I can't handle being stuck here any longer. I can't handle not knowing if we're ever gonna get out."
"We will get out." Gale said, and he sounded so certain that he couldn't help but believe him, "This isn't forever, John. We're gonna figure out a way to get out of here."
He just nodded, exhaling a shaky breath, "I know, it's just.." He trailed off, shaking his head.
"Just what?" Gale asked, before a smile crawled onto his face that he was sure was meant to reassure him, "Come on, don't go quiet on me now. What happened to professional yapper John Egan?"
He couldn't help but smile back, despite the fact that it was a small, wobbly thing.
"You can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?" Gale continued, tilting his head just enough to catch his eye.
"Can I?" He asked.
That was the problem. There had been a time when he knew that he could talk to Gale about anything, but everything was different now. The reason for him becoming so withdrawn and distant lately was because he didn't feel like he could talk to Gale anymore. It felt like they'd all be better off without him, and so it was hard as hell to try and keep his spirits up.
A frown crossed Gale's face, the younger man clearly having been caught off guard by his question, "Of course you can." He insisted.
"It doesn't feel like it." He admitted, dropping Gale's gaze again.
"John.."
He sighed as he turned over onto his back, staring up at the bottom of Crank's bunk, "I know you all think I'm losing my mind."
"Nobody thinks that." Gale said softly.
"Don't lie to me." He said, turning his head to look back at Gale, "I can see the way everyone looks at me, I can see that everyone is just waiting on me to crack. And it wouldn't matter, because I used to think it was me and you against the world, but now it just feels like you're waiting on me to crack too."
He hated admitting that, but what else was he supposed to do? Gale was so insistent of the fact that he could talk to him, and so he was going to talk. If Gale didn't like what he had to say, then he'd only brought it on himself.
Gale looked almost stricken, as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I don't think you're losing your mind." He said softly, and it looked like he was unsure of what to do with his hands; like he wanted to reach for him, but wasn't sure if he should, "I'm worried about you, I'm worried t-"
"Then act like it." He snapped.
He couldn't do this, he couldn't listen to Gale claim that he was worried about him and that he cared about him, when all he'd done lately was act as if the opposite was true. He'd always been a firm believer that actions spoke louder than words, and Gale's actions had spoken plenty loud lately.
"What d'you want me to do, John?" Gale asked, his voice a hushed whisper, "You've seen the way those guards have been picking guys off for no reason. D'you not think that drawing attention to the fact that you're clearly not okay might give them an excuse to target you? You think I could handle that?"
He sighed, barely resisting the urge to scoff. Was that really what Gale was going for? Acting as though this was all for his own benefit? Because he was afraid of the guards thinking he was going crazy too and seeing that as a reason to pick him off? It seemed unlikely.
"What does it matter, even if they did?" He asked, "You'd all be better off without me, anyway."
"How can you say that? How could you not think that losing you would be the worst thing I could imagine?" Gale asked, finally reaching between them so that he could grip his wrist.
He made himself look back at Gale then, although he didn't pull his wrist back from him, "Because it feels like you don't need me anymore." He admitted, "It feels like you've found yourself a new toy to play with, and like I don't matter to you anymore."
He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't, he was just.. he'd never planned on admitting any of this to Gale, and actually speaking the words out loud had him so damn upset. He was almost afraid of what Gale would say, or of the possibility that he wouldn't be able to lie convincingly to him.
"John.." Gale whispered, his grip on his wrist turning gentle.
He shook his head, halfheartedly attempting to pull his wrist back, "Don't-"
"Im sorry.. I'm so sorry for making you feel like that." Gale said, that same firm tone in his voice again, "But don't you ever believe that you're anything less than the most important thing to me, you got that?"
He could only nod, unable to find the words.
He didn't know what he was supposed to believe. Gale seemed so full of conviction as he spoke, but his words were so at odds with how he'd felt lately, and so he didn't know what he was supposed to do here. All he wanted was to forgive Gale and to let him in, but he knew he'd never forgive himself for that if things went right back to how they'd been lately.
He was just so goddamn tired of all of this. He was confused, he was upset, and his face still fucking hurt from the way Gale had punched him. He just didn't want to think about any of this anymore.
"Hey, come here." Gale said softly, evidently able to read the upset on his face.
He let Gale gather him close and wrap him in his arms, closing his eyes as he pressed his face in against the younger man's chest. If he had any kind of self-preservation, he would have held him at arms length for a little longer, but he couldn't even pretend that that was what he wanted.
"I'm sorry." Gale said again, gently rubbing his hand up and down the length of his back in a comforting gesture.
"It's okay." He mumbled.
Gale shook his head, sighing softly, "It's not okay. I need you more than anything, and I don't want you to ever think otherwise."
He could only nod, hoping that Gale wasn't paying too much attention to him as he quickly wiped at the tears that had finally started to spill over.
He felt so goddamn stupid for crying about this, but he couldn't hold it together any longer; not when it was only himself and Gale here, and when Gale was holding him close and whispering soft, comforting things to him.
Because the universe seemed to be working against him these days, though, Gale pulled back just far enough to look at him, gently stroking a thumb just underneath his eye to wipe at his tears.
"Come on, now. Don't cry cause of me." Gale said softly, giving him a small smile.
He just nodded again, dropping Gale's gaze as he leaned into his touch.
It felt so good to hold Gale's attention like this. He'd thought the same thing earlier, when they'd been fighting outside, but this was so different. If he was being honest, he wanted it to be like this forever; Gale's arms around him, his touch gentle as he brushed careful fingers against his cheek. Not like it had been earlier, when Gale had punched the same skin that he was gently stroking now.
He didn't know how to feel about any of it. All he knew was that this was good, and he wanted it to stay like this for as long as possible.
"Can you just stay for a while?" He asked, nudging his face in slightly closer to Gale's.
He knew it wasn't a great idea. It was still in the middle of the day, and while he didn't think that any of the guys they shared the cabin with would bat an eyelid at finding himself and Gale curled together in the same bunk, he knew that the same sentiment probably wouldn't be shared by any guards who decided to do a random check of the cabins.
Like Gale had said, the guards had been looking for excuses to pick off prisoners lately, and so doing everything they could to avoiding drawing their attention was probably the smartest decision. He and Gale had probably already put themselves on their radar with their fight in the yard earlier, but he just.. this was the most settled he'd felt in a long time, and he knew that it was because of how Gale was holding him.
Thankfully, Gale nodded, smoothing a hand down his back again, "Yeah, I'll stay as long as you need." He promised him.
He nodded, a faint smile crawling onto his face as he let his own arm inch over Gale's waist.
This felt like uncharted territory, even between himself and Gale, who'd been joined at the hip ever since that first week at basic. It felt like they were teetering on the edge of something, and he was afraid of pushing it one way or the other; mainly because he didn't know where they'd go from here.
He'd long since come to terms with the fact that his feelings for Gale weren't strictly platonic, but he'd never entertained the possibility that his feelings could be returned. He still wasn't, but this just felt.. different.
Still, he did his best to simply push all thoughts like that from his head as he curled in close to Gale, pressing his face in against his chest again. For now, this was enough. He didn't need to go complicating everything between them when it felt like they'd only just gotten back on track with each other.
"You're alright, I got you." Gale whispered, quietly speaking the words into his hair.
He closed his eyes, willing himself to relax enough that he could drop off to sleep for even a little while. He was so tired, and Gale holding him like this made him feel safe for the first time in a long time.
They could deal with reality later. For now, he didn't want to think about anything but Gale's arms around him and his lips pressed into his hair.