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“I don’t have time for this Lance.”
The words echoed in Lance’s brain at the worst moments. They echoed in his head then and they echoed in his head now. He knew Keith didn’t mean it, but it had hurt.
A lot.
After being gone for so long and missing him, Lance thought Keith would be excited to see him—them—definitely them. But…in hindsight, Lance understood why Keith wasn’t immediately jumping into a reunion. Lotor had been doing some awful things for who knows how long and was about to get exactly what he wanted to be able to rule the universe. He had to be stopped immediately.
And then there was that whole thing with needing to sew reality back together or whatever to save the universe and needing to evacuate the castle. But once they had settled down and they were making camp on their first planet for the night, Lance thought they would finally get to celebrate Keith’s return.
But that didn’t happen either. It was just a bunch of awkward reintroductions and “glad your backs” from the group.
“Glad you’re back,” Lance had said.
“Glad to be back,” Keith had replied. He did at least flash Lance a warm smile, but that was it. And Lance knew Keith wasn’t big on hugs and wasn’t one to celebrate anything, but Lance had at least expected something—something more than what little they actually exchanged.
Clearly Keith didn’t miss Lance as much as Lance had missed him.
The rational part of Lance’s mind wanted to argue with him that he was reading too much into things, but…they had been so close before Keith left.
And now?
The distance they had once closed had formed again, perhaps wider than it ever had been before. Sure, Keith’s maturity had started to bud before he left, but he was still reckless and he still sometimes (okay, a lotof the times) let his anger get the best of him. But now…holy crap. Not only had he physically grown, but he had emotionally matured too. Like a lot. Lance could see it in the way he moved and talked and interacted with everyone.
Lance mulled all of this over in his head, curled up in Red’s pilot chair. As much as he would rather be outside and asleep right now, he couldn’t sleep. Not with everything that had happened and the gazillion things that were running through his head. Everyone else was asleep anyways and wouldn’t notice he was gone. Lance had started making a habit to go sit in Red when he was feeling particularly down. She seemed to be the only one that didn’t mind his presence. She liked to hide behind a mask of irritation that they weren’t doing anything, but he knew she secretly didn’t mind. Hell, there’d been times when Lance was feeling so low that she helped pull him out of the trench he had dug. Lance would be forever grateful for that.
But Red was exhausted. He could feel it whenever they flew. After that battle she needed to recharge, but they didn’t have the castle to accelerate that process. Lance had told her to power down completely and conserve her energy. He could sense her reluctance, but in the end she acquiesced. Which was how he sat in the near complete darkness of Red’s cockpit.
Lance replayed the events of Keith’s return over and over in his head, each time making him feel worse and worse. No matter what angle he looked at it from, Lance couldn’t find any silver lining. Not even a tiny positive.
Well, Keith’s back for good this time, so I guess that’s a positive, Lance thought to himself gloomily. But it didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, it only reconfirmed his fears of why Keith had left in the first place. Lance knew there could be other reasons and he knew that he was probably reading too much into it, but it all just easily made so much sense. And lately it seemed like everyone was too annoyed with Lance or too busy or doing too important things to hang out. If Lance was being honest…he constantly hoped for the day Keith returned permanently. Keith would never know it, but sometimes Keith was Lance’s last hope that he mattered to someone. That he was more than his abilities—or lack thereof.
I guess not, Lance thought bitterly. He didn’t know why he had ever gotten his hopes up. Maybe being away from Keith all that time had made him forget the true nature of their relationship. They were teammates—and begrudging ones at that. Nothing more, or perhaps even something less. Red would growl at the things he was thinking, but she was powered down completely and couldn’t hear his thoughts or feel his feelings. He could privately sink into his despair without annoying anyone.
To Lance’s alarm, he felt the telltale prick of tears. Usually he would try and stop himself, but this time he didn’t. He was tired from everything that had happened and quite frankly didn’t have enough energy to care.
“I don’t have time for this Lance.”
“That’s okay, no one ever does,” Lance whispered to himself, lips trembling. He buried his head into his knees to try and muffle his sobbing, worried that he might wake the others.
At least Shiro’s back—the real Shiro anyways, Lance thought miserably to himself. Yeah, but it seemed likeI was the only one who noticed something was off. I should have said something. I should have spoken up. Why didn’t I ever say anything?
“I told you to stay out of this!”
Lance wiped his nose on his sleeve and tried to stop the tears to no avail. He knew perfectly well why he didn’t say anything. Because he was a coward. Because he genuinely started to think—still does think—that his opinion didn’t matter. Because he always looked up to Shiro and didn’t want to doubt his hero. Everyone else thought it was Shiro. It’s not like Lance had any proof anyways.
Except for that time the real Shiro reached out to him in the astral plane.
But how was I supposed to explain that to anyone?! Lance thought angrily at himself. He knew people and he trusted his instincts when they told him the clone wasn’t Shiro. But how was he supposed to explain that to anyone? Whoever set up the elaborate plot had fooled everyone—even Keith—who had known Shiro longer than anyone else. Lance quietly mulled everything over. It was completely silent except for the occasional sniffle from him.
I want to go home.
The thought hit him out of nowhere, but it wasn’t the first time he had thought that way. Lance hated that he felt like this—hated that he would rather go home to his family instead of staying to defend the universe. Lance hated the guilt that clawed him up on the inside, knowing that if he was given the option he would gladly choose his family over Voltron. He would never admit that to anyone and take that secret to his grave if he had to, but the ache—the horrible longing ache for home, for his mother’s arms—sometimes became too much to bear. It seemed like Red was the only one that could soothe some of the ache, but it always still lingered. But tonight there was nothing to ease the ache he felt now.
Without warning, there was a pop and sizzle as Keith’s wolf suddenly zapped into existence in front of Lance. Lance was so startled by the unexpected visitor that he couldn’t help the yelp that escaped him.
The wolf wined and sat down in front of Lance and shoved his nose into Lance’s lap. Lance raised his hands, unsure what to do, but the wolf was insistent and whined again.
“Hey bud, um…” Lance said. He cautiously laid a hand on the wolf’s head and scratched his ear. The wolf was encouraged by that and placed his front paws on the pilot’s chair, nudging Lance with his nose. Lance gave a wet laugh and continued to pet the wolf. “We’ve got to give you a name bud.” Lance sat and thought for a while on a name while absent-mindedly petting the wolf. Somewhere along the way he managed to calm down some.
“Hhmmm…how ‘bout Knight?” Lance suggested. The wolf blinked at him. “You know, like the knight in shining armor? But it’s like ‘night’ in that your fur’s the color of the night sky?” The wolf tilted his head at Lance. “Guess not huh. I’ll think on it some more.” Lance continued to think of more names, sometimes coming up with good ones, sometimes coming up with ridiculous ones. He was thankful for the distraction and continued to give the space wolf scratches. “Hm…how ‘bout Zodiac? That’s kinda cute. Oh! What is your zodiac? We could call you that.” The space wolf tilted his head at Lance. “Guess it’s hard to know huh?” Lance was silent for a moment, thinking about names again. He then looked back at the cosmic wolf.
“So how did Keith meet you anyways? Did he save you? Or did you save him? Did you steal his food? Hm?...No, you don’t look like the thieving type. Did he adopt you from a space shelter? No?…What of your family bud? Did you get left behind? Or did you leave without your mom knowing? And now she thinks, you’re dead.” Lance sniveled and wiped his eyes as more tears formed. The wolf whined again and started licking Lance’s face. “Thanks bud, I really needed that.” Lance started scratching behind his ears. All dogs he had met loved to be scratched there, and apparently cosmic wolves were no different. The wolf then decided front paws weren’t enough and crawled all of the way into Lance’s lap, settling precariously onto Lance’s legs. A small smile spread across Lance’s face and he continued to pet the wolf.
“Guess this is a bad time to go to the bathroom huh?” The wolf gave him an “are you serious face,” drawing a laugh from Lance. “I’m kidding, jeez. But seriously, thanks bud, I really needed this.” He continued to pet the wolf, thankful that his mind was silence for once, wishing that the moment would last forever.
Keith was suddenly awake. He didn’t know why or how, but something roused him from his slumber. He seriously considered rolling over and going back to sleep, but something was nagging at him, putting him on edge. Fine, after a quick head count, I’ll go back to sleep, he thought.
Keith sat up and rubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes. He then lazily counted everyone as he had multiple times before he went to sleep. After he finished counting, he rolled back over in his makeshift sleeping bag. See, eight people, it’s fine, Keith thought to himself and shut his eyes.
Wait.
Eight?
Keith’s eyes shot open and he sat up. There’s supposed to be nine! Who’s missing? Keith scanned the group of sleeping campers and noticed an empty sleeping bag. Keith’s heart seized in his chest when he realized it was Lance’s. It’s fine, he probably just had to go to the bathroom. I’m overthinking this again.
Keith laid back down and waited until he heard Lance’s footsteps when he returned from his bathroom break, but they never came. He was gone long enough for Keith to officially be worried. Keith quietly got up and tried to tiptoe around camp to look for Lance. He figured that there wasn’t a reason to wake everyone yet.
“Lance?” Keith called quietly. He thanked his Galra heritage for his sharp eyesight in the dark. Keith peaked around each of the lions, looked through all of the surrounding bushes and trees, but there was no sign of Lance. “Lance!” Keith called a little louder.
The hairs on the back of Keith’s neck stood up and he whipped around, ready to fight, only to find Krolia was up as well.
“Something wrong?” She asked.
“Lance is missing,” Keith replied.
“I noticed, and evidently your wolf is gone too.”
Keith hadn’t even noticed that his wolf had disappeared too. “Shit.”
“He’s probably not too far.”
“I know, but I just—…” Keith trailed off, unsure what to say.
“Worry anyway?” Krolia finished, a knowing look on her face.
Keith nodded, feeling silly even though he had plenty of reasons not to. “I guess with everything that’s happened recently, I just…I’m on edge.”
“Well if you’re wolf is with him, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, and Lance is more than capable of taking care of himself. Still, it’s kinda odd that he just disappeared like that.” Keith put a hand to his chin in thought. He scanned their little camp sight, wondering where Lance could have went. He spied the lions and then slapped his forehead. “Oh my god I can’t believe I didn’t think of that before.” Keith tiptoed around everyone else who was still sleeping. He noted it was a little odd that Shiro didn’t stir, but was thankful he was getting rest. In all honesty Shiro was probably still adjusting from having his consciousness transferred into a new body. Keith couldn’t imagine how exhausting that probably was.
Keith made his way over to the lions, stopping initially at Blue, but discovered Lance wasn’t there. Keith kinda figured it was a 50-50 shot with which lion Lance was sitting in, but he decided it didn’t hurt to check both. He slid off of Blue’s head and back onto the ground. Keith noticed that Krolia returned to where she was sleeping, but she was still watching him just in case.
Keith then began the climb to the top of Red’s head where the emergency hatch was. Since the lions were powered down completely, that would be the only way in. Once Keith made it to the top of Red’s head, he took a moment to catch his breath. Climbing up and down two lions in one night was enough to make anyone winded.
After he caught his breath, Keith knocked on the emergency hatch. Without warning, the cosmic wolf appeared before him and gave a low woof.
“Hey bud, Lance in there?”
The wolf only gave him an indecipherable look.
Keith knelt down to knock on Red’s head, but he only got one knock in before the wolf nudged him and teleported him inside. Keith’s insides still felt funny every time the wolf did that. Keith was met with a yelp from Lance, who was sitting in the pilot chair.
“Jeez, can’t you knock?” Lance grumbled.
“I tried, but someone didn’t give me time to,” Keith replied and shot a look at the cosmic wolf.
“Don’t be such a meany to him, he’s a good boy.” The wolf happily trotted over to Lance to receive more scratches.
“I’m guessing you couldn’t sleep?” Keith asked.
Lance sighed before responding, keeping his gaze firmly on the wolf. “I guess with everything that happened I couldn’t shut my mind off long enough for sleep.”
Keith made a noncommittal noise. “Understandable.” He watched Lance pet the wolf for a little longer before his awkwardness got the best of him. “Well, just wanted to make sure you hadn’t wandered off. See you in the morning.”
“See you in the morning I guess,” Lance said.
Keith jumped and grabbed ahold of the edges of the escape hatch and climbed out. He then slid down off of Red and returned to his sleeping bag, but Keith found that he too, could no longer sleep.
It would be a rough morning for both of them.