Chapter Text
1:00 AM
I sat at my desk, thinking of all the things I could have done better; all of the people I could have saved, the incidents I could have completely prevented had I just been a little more careful. Hell, I may have even been able to save myself if I had realized sooner. As every good movie goes, the villain usually dies in the end, wiped out to serve some kind of purpose or to teach others a lesson about life. I wonder what my lesson will be; if it truly has anything to teach people, other than how to forgive and forget.
I never wanted to be a burden.
I said I'd do this so I wouldn't burden anyone anymore.
I stood up from my desk chair and paced around my room in my apartment, sake bottles littered the floors as well as old bandages scattered across just about every surface asides from the walls, which were splattered with blood, vomit, and other unnamed fluids.
They shouldn't have to clean up after me.
I walked into the dimly lit kitchen and grabbed a trash bag out of my cabinet, finding a sense of nostalgia in the creaking of the old wood.
I've done this before.
2:30 AM
I paced around my room, throwing out all of the empty bottles and making an effort to get everything even just remotely clean. I'd scrub the walls till my fingers were red and sore, trying to make sure that whoever lived here next did not have to clean anything. Once all of the trash was gone, I walked outside to put it in the dumpster, staring up at the pitch black sky.
There's no clouds tonight, the stars are perfectly visible.
I wish you were here to see them with me, Odasaku.. you would've loved this.
I shake the memory out of my mind; many nights when I was unable to sleep, Odasaku would find me out on the front step gazing at the stars. We wouldn't share any words between each other, just silently accompanying me and enjoying the view.
4:00 AM
I was back at my desk now, one hand holding a pen and the other hand firmly pressed against the paper as I begun to write.
"Hiya everyone! You're favorite person Dazaii here~!"
Announcing my death in such a happy way will surely make them aware that I am at peace with this decision.
"Just writing this to let you all know you no longer need to worry about me messing things up anymore, I've decided to take matters into my own hands, so you won't be seeing me anymore. Don't bother looking for my body, I made sure to dispose of myself properly so that way there wasn't a mess for anyone to clean up. I did want to leave a note for some of you though just incase you try to blame yourself."
I took a deep breath, feeling my hands start to tremble against the paper.
"Atsushi- Stop trying to always see the good in others. I appreciate you for doing that, but we all knew that there wasn't any good left in me. Sometimes it's okay to accept that people can just be bad and not expect them to change. It's safer that way.
Kunikida- You'll never find someone 100% perfect, just find someone you can tolerate and respect. Find someone perfect enough that you make each-other happy, and have some annoying little kids someday.
Yosano- You are the perfect example of turning a traumatic experience into a good skill. You're a good person now, it's about time you accept that.
Fukuzawa- Thank you for giving me a chance :)
Ranpo- There's candy in my desk drawer and some Ramune, I stole it from you about a month ago and I was waiting to see how long it would take you to figure it out, although I'm sure you already knew. "
I finished writing out my letters and sealed it in a black envelope. With a silver sharpie on the front, I wrote. "ADA". Once I was done, I placed it in my knife drawer.
I know they'll come here first. I know they'll look and find it.
I laid out my brown suit on my bed, folding it up neatly.
I'm not a good enough person to wear this, Odasaku.
6:00 AM
I turned into my closet and dusted off my old black suit and slowly put it on, the familiar fabric making my skin crawl. I shook off the chills and grabbed a bottle of pills off of my desk and walked outside, giving the stars one last glance as I took a walk down the dimly lit streets.
6:30 AM
I sat atop of a tall building, watching the sun rise for the last time.
I don't expect to be saved.
I don't deserve to be saved.
Please don't save me.
People say suicide is selfish, but I think it is even more selfish to be expected to live in such a cruel world.
I've hurt so many people.
I could feel the tears start welling up in my eyes.
I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anyone.
This is the only way I can be good.
I need to be good for you, Odasaku.
I promised.
I stand up on the ledge, taking one last glance at the sky, watching how the yellow and orange hues flow together so effortlessly. Listening to the birds chirp as the world starts to wake up, people heading to work, children going to school.
7:00 AM
I stretched my arms out far like a bird trying to fly, I teetered on the balls of my feet, slowly inching closer and closer to the edge until I was finally ready.
I hope you'll all forgive me.
In the end, I was never meant to try and play the hero.
I closed my eyes and let the wind carry me away, feeling my heart jump with anticipation- maybe a bit of anxiety as well. Listening to the wind in my ears and feeling my jacket wriggle around in the wind as it tried to keep up with my body.
And then it all went dark.
The villains always die in the end.