Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

FIG! @TheInfaethable  

Hellspawn and proud of it! I post music videos when I feel like it and rock shit up always. 

276 Following - 372K Followers

NEW FIG POST!?!?!?!?!?

ID: {A music video titled "Solo Act" posted by JustFig. A collection of the same teenage tiefling with red skin and horns plays various instruments in an attic bedroom, with the base featuring heavily. It's sort of messy in the room, and different versions of the tiefling take turns throwing or kicking stuff around as they play. It's unclear if the tiefling mimics are made up of illusionary magic or clever editing.}

gOD FUCK YEAH

Nobody touch me i am  l i s t e n i n g

this video must have taken forever to make she's honestly so impressive for a new artist!!! 

Just played it for the eleventh time on repeat and my downstairs neighbors are banging on my floorboards. T.T/  dON'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT I AM VIBING??

ya know, for someone who says they're chill and aloof a lot, she sure does have a lot of songs where she's rage singing about not caring while looking like she cares a whole lot

Shhhhhh. I know that. You know that. Some of the younguns on here still think this is the epitome of cool

hey maybe because it is?? if you're not gonna be supportive maybe shut the fuck up??

polished my horns for the first time today cause if Fig Faeth can be cool and confident and flip off all the haters, than so can i  <3 <3 <3

G R O U P   C H A T : THE THISTLESPRINGS!

dad: How's your day going bud?

mom: Made any new friends yet?

gorgug: maybe?

dad: !!!!!!

mom: !!!!!

gorgug: what does it mean when a girl follwos you to your class and givse you drumsticks

gorgug: ?

mom: Oh bud! You know how we have our talks about our bodies and how they change? Well, this isn't just a confusing time for you! It's a confusing time for everyone!

dad: It's all perfectly natural!

gorgug: actualyl  i just rememberd that i ahve to go imediately

mom: We love you!

dad: We love you!

dad: Aw Wilma you beat me!

dad: I'll get you next time!

mom: You'll try!

gorgug: lvoe you too  

G R O U P   C H A T : Parenting <3

Wilma <3 : He's growing up so fast!

Digby <3 : Proud of our boy!

Digby <3 : Is it too early to bring out the binder?

Wilma <3 : It's never too early to encourage knowledge and safety!

Digby <3 : We'll show him tonight!

Wilma <3 : He'll be so excited!

G R O U P   C H A T : The Bad Kids

gorgug: how many Talks is too many

FIG: f in the chat for our fallen brother tonight

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: f

KrIsTeN : f

Riz : f

Adaine : f

Adaine : Can someone explain the f in the chat thing to me please?

KrIsTeN: ditto

gorgug: me too

Riz: I am also confused

FIG: Fabian we have our work cut out for us

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: I of course know exactly what f in the chat is

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: but you should explain it 

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Simply because I cannot be bothered and for no other reason  

FIG : tomorrow. Basrars. Messaging crash course. You're all invited and attendance is mandatory 

FIG: that includes you Fabian 

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. I'm Gorgug.

2 Following - 2 Followers

FIG POST FIG POST FIG POST

Last night i did a moon ritual for a fig update. And it WORKED. I'm too powerful. 

Somebody hold me. My idol's gone and grown up and gotten herself a friend???

Fig: I'm a lone wolf. 

Also Fig, two months later: made frend (◍•ᴗ•◍)

she looks so fucking hot in that jacket (and before anyone gets pissed at me, we're the same age!!!!1)

ah just thinking about her making new songs is so exciting!

alright lads how we feeling about figs latest post? 

{ID: A screenshot of a fantasy instagram post where Figouroth Faeth, a teenage tiefling girl with red skin and horns, winks at the camera with a grin. She's wearing a leather jacket over a ripped up t-shirt, and has her arm hooked around the neck of a tall green half-orc. The half-orc's hair is getting in his eyes and he's smiling awkwardly, hunching slightly so that Fig can reach. He's wearing a large grey hoodie and holding up a pair of drumsticks. The caption says, " no longer a solo act i guess!" }

jealous!!! supremely jealous! fig, lemme join your band! i practiced on a recorder for a whole two weeks in second grade! i promise id make a good addition!

i 'm not sure. I think he looks a little emo, like he might mess up her vibes :/

He looks sweet!

he looks dumb

Wow. Fucking racist, much?

im just saying ive been following fig since the start and this kids just gonna wegh her down

Wegh

wegh 

wegh

yall can just shut the fuck up

Everyone who's bitching about Fig getting a friend are forgetting she's a real person who deserves good things - like friends!! - and I WILL be blocking you on site!

Awwww he looks so nervous! I wanna hug him!

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cig Figs now.

152 Following - 62K Followers

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cig Figs now.

153 Following - 62K Followers

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cig Figs now.

154 Following - 62K Followers

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cig Figs now.

155 Following - 63K Followers

fig: Hey gorgug you know  you dont have to follow back everyone who follows you right?

gorgug: oh

gorgug: that makes snese actualy

gorgug: oops

gorgug: thansk

gorgug: :)

fig: ...

fig: :)

gorgug @itsgorgug

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cig Figs now.

3 Following - 64K Followers.

Chapter Text

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio

Chosen prophet of the church of Helio. Reach out to me on PrayerChain at K.Applebees, or @ me to show up on my podcast Praise Helio! :D

  *This account is protected by MEOW!* 

1K Following - 13K Followers

TRANSCRIPT FROM EPISODE #67 OF THE APPLEBEES' PODCAST

KRISTEN: Thanks for joining me in today's prayer. Next week, we'll be talking about equality and personal growth in relation to the church! If you have anything to add that connects with that stuff, go ahead and let me know by PrayerChain or on Fantasy Twitter. Thanks, and see you next time. Praise Helio!

Jonathan Hugh @JHughes 7:13AM

@ProphetOfHelio I always listen to your podcast on the way to work. Praise Helio!

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 8:16AM

 @JHughes Thanks Jonathan! Praise Helio!

*This account is protected by MEOW!* 


Betty K . @helioismyhero 7:36AM

@ProphetOfHelio Are you ever going to talk about that nasty uptick of sinners joining the congregation? I tell you, I saw an orc family at Church this morning. Orcs!

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 8:19AM

@helioismyhero Funnily enough, that's exactly why I chose next week's topic! I think we can grow and become more accepting in the church, as Helio has guided us! Praise Helio

*This account is protected by MEOW!*


Betty K . @helioismyhero 8:22AM

@ProphetOfHelio I suppose. Praise Helio.

Nolan Hickerman @NolanHickerman 8:31AM

@ProphetOfHelio Beautiful prayers. There's a reason you were chosen by His Grace.

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 8:32AM

@NolanHickerman Thanks Nolan! We're all learning in the reflection of His light! Praise Helio!

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

DAYBREAK @ HootGrowlOWLBEARS 9:04AM

@DonnaApplebees You must be real proud of your kid, Donna. She's a good kernel.

Donna @DonnaApplebees 10:27AM

@HootGrowlOWLBEARS We couldn't be prouder, and we thank the Lord every day for her Gift. Praise Helio!

{ID: A screenshot from Kristen Applebees' fantasy Twitter. The screenshot says, "Funnily enough, that's exactly why I chose next week's topic! I think we can grow and become more accepting in the church, as Helio has guided us! Praise Helio."  In smaller lettering, it says This account is protected by Meow! }

Say what you will about the Church of Helio and their blatant racism and culty vibes, but at least there prophet doesn't seem to be a complete shithead. Brainwashed, but, yah know…

thats how they get you op

Yeah, op, it starts OFF seeming all nice and shit, but then you dig deeper and you realise what a shitshow it is

Did either of you even read my post??? It literally acknowledges the racism and the cult vibes??? What the fuck?

the reading comprehension on this site strikes again

This whole thing is a gross representation of the Church of Helio! 

yeah! i hope Helio's light finds you all cause you definitely need it?

You people call whatever you can't understand a cult

Ah, fuck. They found me.

abort! abort!

 Run while you still can, OP!

REBLOGS HAVE BEEN TURNED OFF ON THIS POST.

Mac Applebees @MacApplebees 7:30AM

Feeling Blessed.

{IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Four siblings, aged from fourteen to six. They all have red hair, freckles, and big smiles on their faces. Everyone has backpacks. The youngest one is holding a sign that says, " Back to School!" }

Helen Jones @InHisGrace 7:37AM

@MacApplebees Wow! Kristen's looking so big! Is she heading over to Sun Peak?

Mac Applebees @MacApplebees 4:14PM

@InHisGrace Funnily enough, she's actually starting at Auguefort! She wants to spread the Gospel to souls in need.

Helen Jones @InHisGrace 4:52PM

@MacApplebees Don't they have illegals there?

Mac Applebees @MacApplebees 4:59PM

@InHisGrace That's what I said! But she's insistent. You know how kids are. Praise Helio! He'll get us through this.

Two Confirmed Dead at Aguefort Academy

The End of Aguefort Academy?

Shocking Encounter at Aguefort!

Aguefort Academy Under Scrutiny Again

Arthur Aguefort Dead At Last? Click Here To Read More!

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 7:02PM

Haha, change of plans everyone! No new podcast next week. Sorry!

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

Jonathan Hugh @JHughes 7:13AM

@ProphetOfHelio Is everything alright? I heard you started up at that school. Praise Helio!

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 8:16AM

 @JHughes Everything's fine. No worries! Totally!

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio 8:16AM

 @JHughes Praise Helio

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio

Chosen prophet of the church of Helio. Podcast is on a hiatus while I get settled in and figure stuff out at my new school! 

  *This account is protected by MEOW!* 

1K Following - 13K Followers

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio

Podcast is on a hiatus while I get settled in and figure stuff out. 

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

1K Following - 13K Followers

TRANSCRIPT FROM EPISODE #68 OF THE APPLEBEES' PODCAST

KRISTEN: Um, hey, everyone! Long time no see! No talk? Bleh. Things have been busy, I guess.

{An awkward pause.}

KRISTEN: Anyway, I've been doing some research. Did you know that there's been like, multiple mass graves outside of churches of Helio? And did you know that the people executed during The Great Crusade were almost entirely non-humans, and, like, no matter how hard I looked I could really find any records of their sins? Oh, also! Did you know…

{Continue}

TRANSCRIPT FROM EPISODE #69 OF KRISTEN APPLEBEES' PODCAST

KRISTEN: Hm. Nice. 

{End of Podcast}

[8 Missed Calls]

Mom: Kristen Applebees, pick up your phone.

Mom: I know you're getting these messages. I checked. We need to talk.

Mom: It's going to be alright, okay? It's that damn school that did this to you. We'll switch you to Sun Peaks and this will all go away.

[9 Missed Calls]

Mom: Your brothers are getting worried. Pick up your phone.

Mom: I didn't raise you to be a sinner, Kristen. You're better than this.

[10 Missed Calls]

VOICE MESSAGE #17:

"Kristen, what's this I hear about you hanging around a werewolf? A werewolf, Kristen? Are you doing this just to spite us-"

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

VOICE MESSAGE #14

"Sweetie, what's this with changing your handle and such? Also, I'm not sure these new friends of yours are the best influence. The things that Fig girl writes are… concerning. We'll talk more when you get home."

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

VOICE MESSAGE #9:

"Just got back from church, Cornbug. We'll have dinner ready for you after you finish chatting with Pastor Anne! Praise Helio!"

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

Voice Message Recording #7:

"Hello dear, the Harvestmen Camp's gotten back to me and confirmed our spot! They want to know if you would like to lead a service as Helio's Chosen Saint. What an honour! Dad and I are so proud. We'll see you soon and talk more about it!"

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

D E L E T E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

Voice Message #5:

"Hey, Kristen, Dad and I are going to be a little late coming back from work. Would you get dinner ready for the boys? There's lasagna in the fridge that you can heat up. We love you!"

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [NO]

"Hey, Kristen, Dad and I are going to be a little late coming back from work. Would you get dinner ready for the boys? There's lasagna in the fridge that you can heat up. We love you!"

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

R E P L A Y   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [NO]

"Hey, Kristen, Dad and I are going to be a little late coming back from work. Would you get dinner ready for the boys? There's lasagna in the fridge that you can heat up. We love you!"

S A V E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

S A V E   T H I S   M E S S A G E ?

[Y E S] [N O]

G R O U P   C H A T : The Bad Kids

FIG >:) : Gilear says he doesn't mind you coming over Kristen! Itll be lik a sleepover except Even Better cause it can last more than one night

FIG >:) : Fuck yeah

KrIsTeN: that would be so aweome dude thank youuu

[The Ball has changed their contact name to Riz]

Riz: Mom says you're also welcome at our place! We're right next door.

FIG >:) : Tis' official. SLEEPOVER TIME. Adaine! Gorgug! Fabian! SLEEPOVER. GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE.

Adaine: If I can sneak out, I'll be there.

gorgug: Adaine mom and dad say thelyl drive

Adaine: It's not going to be any trouble?

gorgug: no :)

Adaine: Okay :)

FIG >:) : It's allll coming together >:) >:) >:)

FIG >:) : Now we just need Fabian

FIG >:) : Fabian

FIG >:) : Fabian

FIG >:) : Fabian

FIG >:) : Fabian

[Fabian Aramais Seacaster has changed the contact name Riz to The Ball]

Fabian Aramais Seacaster: why . 

The Ball: Why what?

Fabian Aramais Seacaster: why early. It's three. In the morning.

[The Ball has changed their contact name to Riz]

[Fabian Aramais Seacaster has changed  the contact name Riz to The Ball]

[The Ball has changed their contact name to Riz]

FIG >:) : Because its bad kid sleepover time! Kristen is in need

KrIsTeN: it's true. Look upon this mortal fram and pity me

KrIsTeN: fabian. fabian. are you pityin me yet

KrIsTeN: fabian. fabes. fabian fremaias seacaster.

[ Fabian Aramais Seacaster has turned off notifications.]

KrIsTeN: NOTIFY ANYWAY

FIG >:) : NOTIFY ANYWAY

Fabian Aramais Seacaster: i hate you all.

Fabian Aramais Seacaster: see you in ten minutes.

Dad: I just checked Meow. You're not allowed to go that devil girl's house

[5 Missed Calls]

[6 Missed Calls]

[7 Missed Calls]

Dad: Kristen. Pick up your damn phone.

W O U L D   Y O U   L I K E   T O   B L O C K   T H I S   C O N T A C T ?

Mom

[Y E S] [N O]

W O U L D   Y O U   L I K E   T O   B L O C K   T H I S   C O N T A C T ?

Mom

[Y E S] [N O]

W O U L D   Y O U   L I K E   T O   B L O C K   T H I S   C O N T A C T ?

Dad

[Y E S] [N O]

W O U L D   Y O U   L I K E   T O   B L O C K   T H I S   C O N T A C T ?

Dad

[Y E S] [N O]

Kristen Applebees @ProphetOfHelio

Podcast is on a hiatus while I get settled in and figure stuff out. 

*This account is protected by MEOW!*

1K Following - 13K Followers

T H E   A C C O U N T   Y O U   A R E   L O O K I N G   F O R   N O    L O N G E R    E X I S T S

"Hey, Kristen, Dad and I are going to be a little late coming back from work. Would you get dinner ready for the boys? There's lasagna in the fridge that you can heat up. We love you!"

Chapter Text

Penny (Babysitter): MOM. BE READY.

Sklonda: Riz, we talked about only taking Penny's phone when it's an emergency. Where are you guys? Are you safe? 

Penny (Babysitter): We are on a case! It's going to get cracked WIDE open!

Penny (Babysitter): hi Mrs. Gukgak! Riz and I are at the southeast mall! we're okay, but Riz was pretty insistent that we keep you in the loop in case someone needs to get arrested… (≧▽≦)

Sklonda: Ok. Thank you, Penny. I'm on standby.

Penny (Babysitter): *(◠‿・)*

Sklonda Gukgak: Hi Bea, I'm not sure if I'll need this, but just in case would you be willing to man my desk for a bit? 

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts): Sure. Why. 

Sklonda Gukgak: My son messaged me. I'm still not sure what's going on. But I'll message you if I need to step out.  

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts): Oh right. 

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts): Forgot you had a kid. 

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts): Ruzzy or something yeah?

Sklonda Gukgak: It's Riz. 

[You Have Changed This Contact's Name]

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts/Asshole): Right. 

Bea Harrison (Takes Shifts/Asshole): Well let me know I guess

Penny (Babysitter): Mom! The case has been cracked! It wasn't Mr. Klemp though. Just some pigeons. :/

Sklonda: Ok. Thanks for letting me know sweetie. Will you tell Penny I'll be home around ten tonight? There should be some takeout in the fridge that's not too bad. 

Penny (Babysitter): got it, Mrs. Gukgak! 

Sklonda: Don't tell Riz, but he's getting a phone for his birthday so he'll stop stealing yours.

Penny (Babysitter): (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ my lips are sealed! 

Penny (Babysitter): and don't worry, i'll help you keep it a secret! ୧(＾ 〰 ＾)୨

Sklonda: Thank you. I'm going to need it. 

P E N N Y @luckypenny 2:34PM

hanging out with my partner in crime(solving) today!

{ ID: A selfie of a teenage halfling with her arm around a young goblin. The halfling is smiling incredibly wide and throwing up a peace sign. The goblin's smile is a little crooked and awkward in comparison, baby fangs poking out. He's wearing a newsboy cap.}

Slonda Gukgak @sklondagukgak 11:42PM

@luckypenny Looks like fun! 

S A V E D   C O N T A C T S :

Mom

Penny!!!

The Unlicensed Investigator @ unlicendedinvestigator  

Message me if you have a case you need looking into!If you want to see some of my other business ventures, you can head over HERE .

22 Following - 22 Followers

anyone check out this kid's channel? LINK

No? Any good?

i mean a good chunk of it is pretty boring everyday stuff, but the conspiracy videos that ARE there are pretty decent. he talks fast as shit tho when he gets worked up. and he doesn't show his face at all

I'll check him out I guess? Thanks for the rec

WOW! i know you said kid OP but i was NOT expecting a voice that high!

Riz Gukgak @RizGukgak

Hello! I'm Riz Gukgak!

6 Following - 6 Followers

Riz!: Mom found a new 005 film at the bargain bin! And I found three bags of perfectly fine microwave popcorn in the alleyway! Tonight's going to be sick!

Riz!: Hey Penny! Did your siblings steal your phone again? Or did you set off one of the traps?

Riz!: It's almost ten. Are you almost here yet?

[Missed Call]

Riz!: Penny?

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

Riz: Mom. Something's wrong. 

Riz: Something's really really wrong.

[6 Missed Calls]

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[7 Missed Calls]

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[8 Missed Calls]

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[9 Missed Calls]

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

The Unlicensed Investigator @ unlicendedinvestigator  

Have You Seen This Girl? Please message me if you have any information!

[ID: A selfie of a teenage halfling. She is smiling incredibly wide and throwing up a peace sign. Someone has been cropped out on the right side of the image.]

22 Following - 22 Followers

Riz Gukgak @RizGukgak

Have You Seen This Girl? Please message me if you have any information!

[ID: A selfie of a teenage halfling. She is smiling incredibly wide and throwing up a peace sign. Someone has been cropped out on the right side of the image.]

6 Following - 6 Followers

it looks like the account's been abandoned :/

Aw man, and it was like he was just getting into his stride too!

I dunno why ya'll are complaining. Their a million accounts just like it

dude you see anyone inviting you into this convo? maybe consider finding that cute little scroll button and leaving us alone?? literally what are you getting out of this

just ignore the troll my guy. They're not worth it

Riz! Hey Penny. I tried to follow a lead at the mall, but nobody was able to give me any information. The park was a bust too. Don't worry though! I'm still looking.

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[17 Missed Calls]

Riz! Hi Penny. Another girl's gone missing. Did you know a girl called Antiope Jones? She would have been in your year. I know she went to Augefort too, but that's the only connection I can find. Still, one connection's better than none!

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[18 Missed Calls]

Riz!: Hey Penny. Today we visited dad. I tried to make popcorn like you showed me after, but I got distracted and the pan got burnt. You'll have to show me again when I find you. 

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

Riz!: Which I will. Soon.

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[19 Missed Calls]

Riz!: I watched the new 005 movie without you today. I'm sorry. I'll watch it again though! When you get back! No updates on the case so far though.

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[20 Missed Calls]

Riz!: Mom frowned at the phone bill when it came through this month, so I guess I need to stop texting you everyday. I'll keep it to important updates so that you have all the information when you come back. I know you hate it when you're out of the loop. Signing off for now - Riz

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[21 Missed Calls]

Riz!: Update! Another missing girl! Katja Cleaver this time. She was friends with Antiope Jones based on my investigation of their socials. Also an Aguefort student. Three makes a pattern! In other news, Mom says I need more sleeping and I had to swear to get four hours a night. I don't know if she understands how crucial this is. You would have.  

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[22 Missed Calls]

Riz!: Danielle Barkstock's gone missing, and she fits the M.O. No matter how hard I try though I'm not getting any more info. It's all deadends. I'm not giving up until I find you though. Sorry it's taking so long. We got stuff for school today though. So hopefully more clues lie in wait.

T H E   N U M B E R  Y OU   A R E    T R Y I N G   T O   R E A C H   I S   N O   L O N G E R   A V A I L A B L E

[23 Missed Calls]

S A V E D   C O N T A C T S :

Mom

Fig

Kristen

Gorgug

Adaine

My Best Friend

Penny!!!

Riz!: Penny! HUGE update! First, I think I made some friends! We fought this giant corn monster with these demon corn cuties together. It was totally sick. You would have been impressed. We also have hunted down some clues! Get this; there's this guy called Jonny Storms and my friends and I went and got into this huge car chase. There's also something up with this guy named Zayne and the Black Pit? We're figuring it out.

Penny!!!: [Typing…]

Riz!: peny!?

[Dialing…]

[Dialing…]

[Dialing…]

Call Transcript:

RIZ: Penny! You picked up! Are you okay!? Where are you!? What happ-

UNKNOWN: Uh, hello?

RIZ: Wh- Oh. Oh. Sorry- I, uh… I thought you were someone else.

UNKNOWN: Honest mistake! No worries.

RIZ: Yeah.

[Call End]

G R O U P   C H A T : The Bad Kids

Riz: Guys are we SURE that nobody remembers or knows anything about the missing girls?

FIG >:) : No :/

KrIsTeN: nope :/

gorgug: no 

Gorgug: :/

Adaine: No. Sorry Riz.

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: No. Why, the Ball?

Riz:   No reason. It's just always good to double check.

Riz: Everything's fine.

gorgug: should we ocme over?

Riz: What?

gorgug: you double texted. you never doubl etxt

Adaine: It's true!

FIG >:): I'm outside your door. Lemme in!

Riz: Stop knocking, I'm coming! But you have to be quiet. My mom's asleep.

FIG >:) : I have successfully infiltrated the gukgak household >:). does anyone want to watch a 005 movie with us? 

KrIsTeN: omw 

KrIsTeN: putting my new mesaging skills tO USE

gorgug: wakling over right now

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Adaine. Hangman and I are heading your way. 

Adaine: See you soon!

Riz: …Thanks guys. 

Chapter Text

Fabian Aremais Seacaster @MAXIMUMLEGEND

My name is Fabian Aremais Seacaster and I am Here! To! Be! Great!

46K Following - 32K Followers

Fantastic!

Fabian Aremaias Seacastor you will always be famous. To ME <3 <3 <3

holy hell he's fast

Wow! Cool!

I am Looking. Respectfully. 0.0

DESCRIPTION OF VIDEO POSTED BY FABIAN AREMAIS SEACASTER

{A young looking half elf is seen sword fighting against several figures dressed in pirate gear. He has white locs and an athletic complexion, often jumping off of furniture and walls throughout the battle. The speed and intensity of the fight make it unclear on whether or not it's very well choreographed or an actual spar. Throughout the video, background sea shanty music plays.}

oh to be rich and not care if your couch gets cut in half for the sake of some likes T.T

Amazing!

So athletic!

making myself laugh thinking about like. If the music wasn't there. an d all there was was shoes squeaking against the floor aaafghj

Incredible swordsmanship!

Does anyone ever feel like half the comments on Fabian's videos are just bots or is that just me? [This Comment Has Been Deleted]

Fabian: Mama! Have you seen my latest post? I dare say it's quite good! 

Fabian: It even features some of your favorite shanties!

Fabian: Goodnight, Mama.

Seen 11:06AM

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

July 6

→ why bloodrush most impressive sport

→ rules of bloodrush review

→ bloodrush videos

→ bloodrush cool why

→ how to get good at bloodrush

→ how to get good at bloodrush easy

→ deep sea ship sounds for sleeping

maybe it's just me but i do NOT get the appeal of that seacastor guy. just a typical straight up jock and i'm supposed to what??? clap cause he's rich??? yeah no thanks

Finally! Somebody gets it! 'Oh wow, he knows how to use a sword!' Yeah well so does half of the population your not special pretty boy

wait whose we talkins about again?

Fabian Aremaias Seacastor. He's got a channel where he posts like, sword fighting and stunts and shit. It's honestly not all that impressive but SOME people have no taste.

And thats not even touching all that shit with his dad ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

ooooh? 

Spill the tea spill the tea i am lIsTeNinG

SO OKAY like the only reason he's so rich in the first place is cause hsi dad is like this, retired pirate who gets to stay in Elmville cause of the stupid amnesty policy. I guess who cares about the murders and theivery, am i right? ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯   ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯   ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

and Get This!!! His whole channel is basically just cause his dad. We're pretty sure that like half the subscribers have been paid off by Bill, or are straight up bots. and people badmouthing in the comments or online just get straight up erased. It's so messed up

Aaaah got to love a classic case of nepotism i suppose

[ Whoops! There's nothing here… Better luck next time!]

maybe it's just me but i do NOT get the appeal of that seacastor guy. just a typical straight up jock and i'm supposed to what??? clap cause he's rich??? yeah no thanks

Finally! Somebody gets it! 'Oh wow, he knows how to use a sword!' Yeah well so does half of the population your not special pretty boy

wait whose we talkins about again?

Fabian Aremaias Seacastor. He's got a channel where he posts like, sword fighting and stunts and shit. It's honestly not all that impressive but SOME people have no taste.

And thats not even touching all that shit with his dad ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

ooooh? 

Spill the tea spill the tea i am lIsTeNinG

SO OKAY like the only reason he's so rich in the first place is cause hsi dad is like this, retired pirate who gets to stay in Elmville cause of the stupid amnesty policy. I guess who cares about the murders and theivery, am i right? ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯   ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯   ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

and Get This!!! His whole channel is basically just cause his dad. We're pretty sure that like half the subscribers have been paid off by Bill. and people badmouthing in the comments or online just get straight up erased. It's so messed up

Aaaah got to love a classic case of nepotism i suppose

[ REDIRECTING…]

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

August 21

→ how to look cool

→ first day school outfit ideas 

→ first day outfit ideas cool half elf

→ privateer outfit ideas

→ shoes to complete a fit

→ fifteen year old half elf average shoe size

→ Seacaster

→ Fabian Aremais Seacaster

→ swordfighting

→ bloodrush top 20 coolest plays

→ best first impression ever how

→ deep sea ship sounds for sleeping

Fabian Aremais Seacaster @MAXIMUMLEGEND 10:47AM

@AguefortAcademy better prepare itself for tomorrow!

{IMAGE DESCRIPTION: On what appears to be a navy blue bedspread, a well-sharpened sword and Aguefort Adventuring Academy letterman jacket lay side by side. The sword is reflecting a light source to create a distinct shine.}

Cathilda Ceíli @CelestineCeíli 10:49AM

@MAXIMUMLEGEND Positively lovely. <3

BILL SEACASTER @BILLSEACASTER 11:09AM

@MAXIMUMLEGEND THAT'S MY BOY

H.U.G.H @HootGrowlHootGrowl 2:33PM

@MAXIMUMLEGEND where the hell did you get an owlbears jacket??? Aren't you a freshman????

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

August 22

→ "have no heart" meaning

→ "have no heart" cool meaning?

→ too cool for sport possible?

→ tryout rules

→ detention rules

→ bloodstain removal

→ corn stain removal

→ deep sea ship sounds for sleeping

→ sleep help

→ meditative breathing how

August 23

→ past 1am how to sleep

→ get over people dying

→ get over people dying easy

→ get over people dying maximum legend style

→ death revivification possible side effects?

→ can people die again after revivification

→ hands shaking why

→ hands shaking how to stop

→ how to stop people from dying

→ two of my classmates died how do i stop thinking about it

→ stop thinking how

→ can parents see what i look up online?

→ how to clear internet searches

C L E A R   B R O W S I N G   DATA ?

[CANCEL]    [CLEAR DATA]

C L E A R   B R O W S I N G   DATA ?

[CANCEL]    [CLEAR DATA]

BREAKING NEWS: HIGHWAY PILE UP

TIEFLING BIKER GANG FOUND DEAD

ROAD RAGE OR ROAD KILL: YOU DECIDE

HIGHWAY TO A HIGH PLACE IN HEAVEN

HALFLING FAMILY HAS A PLEASANT DAY OUT

G R O U P   C H A T : The Bad Kids

Riz: Did everyone make it back okay? Mom wants me to check in

KrIsTeN: i successfully climbed hrough my bedroom window

KrIsTeN: like a boss

Adaine: Really?

KrIsTeN: adaine i am offended :(

Adaine: Oh. I'm sorry.

KrIsTeN: naw youre all good i totally fell like twice but!!! Nobody woke up. Muwahahaha

FIG >:) : i am also alive

FIG >:) : Despite mom's best efforts to glare me to death (⁠ー⁠_⁠ー⁠゛⁠)

KrIsTeN: boooo

Riz: Fabian? Gorgug? Are you guys all good?

gorgug: i'm really tierd

gorgug: sorry if i scared anyone wehn i got mad

FIG >:) : Don't be sorry!! I think it's like totally cool when you go total rage mode!

FIG >:) : not that i like care care or whatever

FIG >:) : just felt like mentioning that. casually. Ya know. Like how casual people do

gorgug: oh

gorgug: okay?

Adaine: I think what Fig's trying to say is that we're just fine, Gorgug! Please don't worry. 

Adaine: I hope you're feeling better soon. <3

KrIsTeN: yeah gorgug you ROCK!!1

gorgug: <3

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Hangman and I have also successfully returned home

Riz: Good. That's everyone accounted for. Fabian, mom also says to maybe keep your new motorcycle on the downlow for a bit until the active investigation dies down

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: But why would I dprive the school population the dashing view of me on a bike?? Travesty

FIG >:) : dprive

  KrIsTeN: dprive

Adaine: dprive

gorgug: dprive

Riz: dprive

Fabian Aremaid Seacaster: Is this necessary?

FIG >:) : GET CLOWNED ON CLOWN MAN

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: I AM NO CLOWN

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: And all this for misspelling ONE word? Truly?

KrIsTeN: fig already explained the rules though Fabian its just how it is. Accept Your Fate…

FIG >:) : yeah fabes Accept Your Fate  ( ¬ ‿¬)

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: I'm pretty sure this is bullying 

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: none of you do this to Gorgug! He mispells words all the time!

gorgug: thas not my fault

gorgug: my hansd are too big for my cryastal :(

Adaine: Yeah, Fabian! His hands are too big for his crystal!

FIG >:) : *GASP* Hand Discrimination!?!?

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: NO

KrIsTeN: can't believe this

FIG >:) : First the backpack thing and now this? For shame…

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Fig! You were ALSO Doing the Backpack Thing. 

FIG >:) : and now gorgugs in my band and we're chill

FIG >:) : what reparations have YOU made Fabian Aremais Seacaster 0.0

KrIsTeN: yeah Fabian what have YOU been doing? 0.0 0.0 

gorgug: :(

Riz: Look what you've done Fabian, now Gorgug is sad. :(

Adaine: There's only one solution… you must apologise for your Gorgug crimes…

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Fine.

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Gorgug. I apologize. 

gorgug: ….

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Your hands are most excellent.

gorgug: ….

gorgug: :)

KrIsTeN: HUZZAH!

FIG >:) : peace has been restored!

Riz: Hooray!

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: Why I put up with this is beyond me

Adaine: You're not fooling anyone, Fabian. :)

Fabian Aremais Seacaster: I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

August 24

  → how to tell if people are your friends

  → friendship appreciation

  → gifts for friends

  → best gifts for friends

  → giant crystals

  → big crystals cool design

  → battlesmiths elmsville

  → axe holsters

  → axe holsters personalized

  → musician gifts

  → guitar related gifts

  → guitar picks personalised where to buy

  → religious gifts

  → religious gifts NOT helioism

  → questioning religion gift?

  → world religions books

  → cool clothes

  → cool clothes girl

  → cool clothes boutique

  → how to purchase a giftcard online

  → briefcase

  → cool briefcase for high schooler possible?

  → engraved enchanted briefcases where

  → business cards

  → business cards template

  → how to break into school lockers

  → how to break into school lockers without getting caught

  → deep sea ship sounds for sleeping

Chapter Text

Asshole Neighbors Report Number 372. They have been up All Night screaming and blowing stuff up. I am about to cut off my own ears just to escape All The Noise.

  #Personal #My autistic ass was Not Made For This #Save me

be strong op!!!

I just don't even understand what they're doing? It sounds like kids. Screaming children. It's like living next door to a haunted mansion. Why Is This My Life.

That sounds like absolute heeeelll i am so sorry

Fam. Me Too.  Me too. :/

[5 Missed Calls]

Mom: Riz Gukgak. I need you to pick up your phone right now. 

Riz: Mom! Hi!

Riz: Sorry for missing curfew and not responding. Fabian's dad kept us up all night running drills. It was actually helpful I think! I also had kippers there so no need to prep any breakfast.

Mom: Riz..

Mom: Next time please let me know if you're going to be out all night before it happens instead of after. I was really worried about you.

Riz: Sorry. I love you.

Mom: It's okay honey. I'm just glad you're safe. I love you too.

SANDRA-LYNN: Figueroth.

SANDRA-LYNN: Figueroth you cant just leave the house with no warning. For a whole night!

SANDRA-LYNN: I have to at least know where you are.

SANDRA-LYNN: I can see that you're reading these

SANDRA-LYNN: Fig. Let me know where you are please.

[FIG! has turned off read receipts.]

G R O U P   C H A T : THE THISTLESPRINGS!

dad: Hey, bud!

mom: We know that you're a big high schooler now.

dad: Fourteen years old!!

mom: Our kiddo is so grown up!

dad: But keeping us in the loop a little will go a long way.

mom: Communication is key!

dad: It's true!

mom: Just let us know if you need anything alright? Call us anytime!

gorgug: sorry mom sorry dad

gorgug: i had a sleepover at fabians house

mom: A sleepover!?

dad:  A sleepover!?

gorgug: A FREINDD SLEEEPOVRE

Arianwen: This behaviour is not fitting of an Abernant.

Adaine: It really wasn't my fault this time! Mr. Seacaster kept us at his house for training.

Arianwen: And why didn't you inform us of this? We bought you a phone for a reason.

Arianwen: If you don't appreciate that, maybe you don't deserve to have it.

Adaine: That's not fair.

Arianwen: It's a natural consequence, Adaine, and not up to you. I expect your phone on my desk upon your return. 

Arianwen: I just don't understand why you make things so difficult all the time.

LYCANTHROPY OUTBREAK AT THE BLACK PIT

DEATH METAL DRIVING TEENAGERS MENTAL

VAMPIRIC RIGHTS ACTIVISTS SPEAK UP ON BACKLASH

BLACK PIT CLOSES DOWN FOR REPAIRS

VAMPIRE & WEREWOLF TENSIONS ON THE RISE

SO YOU GOT BIT. NOW WHAT?

Adaine: Hey, Fabian. Thank you for loaning me your phone again. I promise I'll give it back as soon as I can!

Adaine: I'll try really hard to make sure it doesn't get confiscated. I promise. 

Adaine: I'm sorry you keep having to loan it to me. 

Adaine: It's not on purpose.

Adaine: Sorry.

Adaine: Sorry for bothering you.

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

October 16

→ black pit fits

→ look cool at rave

→ rave behaviour expectations

→ what is appropriate at a rave

→ are raves dirty

→ blue light at the black pit

→ how to not touch anything ever again

→ fashionably late timing

→ "sorry guys its everyones curfew everyone go home" cultural reference

→  "sorry guys its everyones curfew everyone go home" goblin cultural reference?

→ firend has bad one liners

→ one liners terrible how fix

→ friend's one liners terrible how fix

→ is lameness contagious

→ coolness lessons

→ how to explain to somene hes not cool

→ how to explain to someone hes not cool nicely

October 17

→ cleaning werewolf bites

→ friend bitten by werewolf is this a bad sign

→  synonyms for pirate

→ classmates meeting parents first time

→ classmates meeting parents first time NOT romantic

→ teamwork how

→ teamwork with heart? 

→ teamwork with heart but cool

→ teamwork with heart maximum legend style

Adaine: Did Fabian say anything about being mad at me?

Fig: noooo? what happened??

Adaine: He's not responding to me. I think I've borrowed his spare phone too many times. It must be annoying.

Fig: i honestly think he just considers it your phone now? he bought a blue case for it an everything. it's got books on it.

Fig: does fabian read? i legit don't think so. he probably thinks reading gives you nerd cooties or some shit

Fig: ANYWAY, point is that you're fine. he's probably putting on 100 dollar moisturiser. Or looking up unspeakable things on the internet. youse good youse good

Adaine: Right. Of course. Sorry for bothering you.

Fig: ARE youse good? want me to come over?

Adaine: My parents would kill me. And probably be racist pricks the second they saw you.

Fig: adaine i know i'm like really hard to read or whatever, but i like. Care about you? and want you to be happy and stuff?

Fig: i wouldn't offer if i didn't mind

Adaine: Oh. Okay.

Adaine: Sorry. I promise I'm fine. I just feel bad about having to keep asking for stuff.

Fig: don't be!

Fig: in fact… dare i say it? Be a little evil. Ask for MORE stuff.

Fig: muwahahhaha

Adaine: Hahah. 

Adaine: Oh! Fabian's texting. I guess it was a false alarm.

Fig: cool. If he is mad i'll punch him for you :D

Adaine: I'm pretty sure it won't come to that, but thank you anyway.

B R O W S E R   H I S T O R Y

Oct 18

→ friend keeps apologising needlessly why

→ anxiety

→ anxiety symptoms

→ anxious classmate support

→ anxious friends support cool how

C L E A R   B R O W S I N G   DATA ?

[CANCEL]    [CLEAR DATA]

C L E A R   B R O W S I N G   DATA ?

[CANCEL]    [CLEAR DATA]

Fabian: Apologies, Adaine. 

Fabian: I was sparring with Papa.

Fabian: Tis no bother at all.

Adaine: :)

Fabian: You're spending too much time with Gorgug.

UGH i hate living in a surveilance state like who thought this would be a good idea and why are they evil

Starting my villain arc for real for real

what?? what's happened now???

Aguefort academy put up a bunch of dream crystals all over the school. Cause you know. THAT'S what we need to spend our budget on

Meanwhile the theatre's gone without any renovations or a new lighting system for the third year in a row. We're down to one spotlight people! One!

i sure do love going to school and knowing that my every movement and sound is being watched by the av club. for sure. yippee.

Bleh. Don't remind me of the AV Club or i'm gonna start breaking shit

It's for security though?? Maybe they have a good reason! :)

unlikely 

ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

What are you? A narc?

the optimism in their tone suggests freshman

I'm just suggesting that in a school where like. The lunchlady went crazy and attatcked students and killed people. Including the principal. Maybe an extra watchful eye is not a bad thing????

do you ever exist online and see things that make you do a double take so hard your neck craks

what in the name of Helio is happening in that school? O.O O.O O.O

This is like looking down over the side of the boat an d seeing a shape in the water twice the size of your vessel oh my gods

G R O U P   C H A T : The On It Squad

Riz: Found her! She's in the closet on the second floor. Can someone bring us some water please?

Kristeeeeen: On It!

gorgug: i have crackres if she wants some

Riz: She says 'thank you but no thank you'

#TheAVClub

TheHacker Yesterday at 12:53PM

And remember that coach wants us to submit the surveillance footage later today

S.D. Yesterday at 1:04PM

Got it!

Sheldon Yesterday at 1:10PM

sure

----- NEW MESSAGE-----

TheHacker Today at 9:44AM

Who's the loveliest maiden in the school and why is it one Adaine Abernant?

TheHacker Today at 9:44AM

Did you see how enchanted she was by my charms

TheHacker Today at 9:45AM

That's how its done

S.D. Today at 9:48AM

But have you seen Ostentatia? 

TheHacker Today at 9:49AM

There's Ostentatia, sure. Fine enough but old news. Abernant's pure exotic elven beauty. What I wouldn't give for a seven minutes in heaven with her… 

[→ Sheldon just joined]

Sheldon Today at 10:23AM

you guys are such fucking losers

G R O U P   C H A T : The On It Squad

Fabian Seacaster: I believe I might have seen Adaine sprinting into the girl's bathroom. First floor near the fighter's wing.

FIG: already here! she said she left her backpack in the classroom tho

Riz: On it.

FIG! @TheInfaethable ✓

Hellspawn and proud of it! I post music videos with @gorgug when I feel like it and rock shit up always. 

297 Following - 101K Followers

gorgug @itsgorgug ✓

Hi. It's Gorgug. I'm the drummer for Fig and the Cigfigs now.

7 Following - 93K Followers.

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine

Hello! I'm new here.

5 Following - 5 Followers

G R O U P   C H A T : The On It Squad

Kristeeeeen: when was her test suppposed to be again??

gorgug: fourth peroid

Kristeeeeen: thank

FIG: I've got vending machine pretzels and water bottles!!

Fabian Seacaster: I'm ready with the distraction and the teacher has been informed that I may have to step out.

Riz: What did you tell Ms. Jones? 

Fabian Seacaster: Ah. I said that Papa might call for family matters. And then strongly alluded that it might be some large family feud skirmish. 

FIG: and you didn't invite ME!?

Fabian Seacaster: It's not meant to be real? And we're not family? Nor will we ever be?

Kristeeeeen: you sure about that? 0.0 

Fabian Seacaster: For the Last Time. My mama will NOT be dating Fig. She has far superior tastes! And it's weird! You're being Weird!

FIG:   such cruel things you say to me, fabian T.T

FIG: as your stepfather i forgive you

Fabian Seacaster: NO.

Riz: Adaine just left class and she's looking maybe a little pale?  It's hard to see through the vent. Gorgug, can you get to her? Or should I call in Fabian? Also, you're using the wrong chat for shenanigans.

gorgug: on it.

FIG: sorry riz

Fabian Seacaster: Apologies, the Ball

Kristeeeeen: sorry!!!

FIG! @TheInfaethable 3:46PM ✓

AYO PARTY PEOPLE! @ AdaineAdaineAdaine is officially online! She's like pretty cool if you wanna check her out!

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine 3:49PM

@ TheInfaethable Hello, everybody. :)

Adaine: Did I do it right?

FIG: perfect!

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine

Hello! I'm new here.

5 Following - 13K Followers

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine

Hello! I'm new here.

5 Following - 14K Followers

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine

Hello! I'm new here.

5 Following - 15K Followers

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine

Hello! I'm new here.

5 Following - 16K Followers

gorgug: in caes you ddint know.

gorgug: you dont need to folllow everyone back

gorgug: fig said so

gorgug: adaine? you okay?

Adaine: I'm fine. There's just a lot of people who followed me really, reallfast. 

Adaine: Really fast. 

Adaine: I don't want my parents or my sister to find the account.

Adaine: And sixteen thousand people have already found it.

Adaine: It just doesn't bode well. I think I have to delete it. 

Adaine: This was a bad idea.

gorgug: we cold make the account private? would that help

gorgug: ?

Adaine: Oh. Yes, actually. That would help.

gorgug: weve got you :)

Adaine @AdaineAdaineAdaine 

[SORRY. THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN MADE PRIVATE.]

Chapter Text

ID: {A music video titled "Doreen" posted by JustFig. A teenage tiefling sits against a tipped over lunch table, playing her base and singing. There's a hairnet wrapped around one of her legs. When the drums join in, the video pans over to the other side of the table where a tall half orc sits. He's playing a relatively simple beat on a set of pots and pans. Towards the end of the video, creamed corn begins descending from the ceiling, starting first as a few drops and then a large downpour. The two continue to play, ignoring it.}

ID:{A music video titled "Rumble Road" posted by JustFig. A motorcycle zooms on screen before panning up to feature a teenage tiefling, grinning wildly enough to show off her sharp canines. A series of similar cuts follows, all from different angles. The video cuts to Fig standing in an empty highway, and then to the same highway but with a bunch of wreckage on it as soon as the chorus hits. In the following slower portion, it cuts to a few shots of half orc teen laying down on the middle of the road, directly on the yellow stripes. His black eyes snap open the minute the tempo picks back up and they go back to the wreckage for the second chorus. The video ends with the two teenagers putting on sunglasses, backs to the camera as they're silhouetted by an exploding car.} 

ID: {A music video titled "midnight monster mash at the black pit" posted by JustFig. It's a somewhat shaky recording of a live show performed at popular Elmville music venue 'The Black Pit'. The singing is occasionally overwhelmed by the crowd's cheers and yells, and the person holding the camera occasionally whoops really, really loudly. By the end of the set, both Gorgug and Fig are sweating heavily and grinning."}

i take back everything i ever said about gorgug joining the band. SO! MUCH! NEW! FIG! CONTENT!!!

That's so much cream corn…

If you look real close at the rumble road music vid you can just see the caution tape flapping in the background. I can't believe she actually snuck onto an ongoing crime scene just to record herself XD XD XD

you can't believe it??? if she hadn't i wouldve been straight up suspicious 

watching monster mash and they're both Sweaty and now I am Sweaty O.O

You're crying from the lunch lady cream corn song?

The bit about how you meet people and they change you and they leave you too soon got to me All right? 

T.T T.T T.T T.T T.T

Road safety rules? Nah. This open highway IS going to be used as a set for our music vid and NO we will not apologise ← fig, probably

i can't believe fig and gorgug actually got to play at the Black Pit?!?!?!? Like oh my god????

Baby girls all grown up and playing at real music venues!

I WENT GUYS AND OH MY GODS IT WAS SO AMASING ASSAAAGHHATHSGAH

!!!!!!!

My jealousy knows no bounds T.T I WANNA GOOOOO

why the cream corn though. Why.

Its interesting how you can see that like. There's noyt usually a huge budget going into any of these videos. It's just fig getting creative and being talented enough to pull it off. Except for rumble road. Where they. Blew up a car? But my point still stands!!

Doreen is such a different song from everything else they've made but honestly I'm kinda vibing with it?

ART DUMP + references

Op! what!!! Look at the colours!!!!! Theyre faces!!! They look so alive!!!

hahahah guess who's gonna binge all of their songs AGAIN because of this art op. gues. Guess.

The monster mash genuinely so good? We've got the song about milfs. We've got the song about music making people rage machines paired with the sickest shred on the base i've heard in some twenty years. We've got the song that's just a cover of a sea shanty except its hard rock?? Amazing. 20/10. Will listen on repeat.

Now if only whoever holding it hadn;t been Yelling Every Ten Seconds and we could have heard them all properly!!

okay actually those shots where gorgugs on the road though are actually really pretty for a halforc???

DUDE. I don't know how to explain this to you. But like. You cant say that. It's messed up. Stop. Think about what you've done????

Another one for the block list! :) :) :) :)

Can ANyone explain the cream corn. Anyone. pls.

fig update! :D

{ID: A screenshot of Fig and Gorgug standing sideways, staring at an explosion. They both have sunglasses on and slightly charred clothing. The caption says, "actually, cool kids look AT the explosions" 

only you, fig, only you

Who the hell is Fabian?

{ID: A screenshot of the tags in Fig and the Cig Fig's latest post, which say "thanks to fabian's dad for both the car and for the cannons"}

FABIAN AREMAIS SEACASTER AND FIG FAETH KNOW EACH OTHER!??!?!?!?!?!?!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

why the hell is GORGUG in her band and not FABIAN

Hmm… maybe cause Fig Has Taste?

which is why she should dump gorgug and get with FABIAN

Man do us all a favour and stfu

i will donate my lifesavings to see how they managed to get that much cream corn to drop from the ceiling. All Of It. all three hundred and twelve dollars of it….

TRANSCRIPT FROM EPISODE #1 OF THE KRISTEN TALKS PODCAST

KRISTEN: Hello everybody! This is Kristen Applebees and I'm back with a new podcast and also a crisis! Hahahah. This is fun for everyone. 

KRISTEN: Anyway- I'm here with my friend, Fig! Say hi, Fig!

FIG: Hi! What is UP party people!?

KRISTEN: *laughter*

KRISTEN: Fig is here cause today we're ranking all the different musical instruments with strings! I play the ukulele and some piano and a bit of banjo and she can play all the guitars and violin, so we thought we had all of them pretty much covered! 

FIG: Besides, I'm like, a really practical bard and stuff. I'm pretty sure that means I know all the instruments!

KRISTEN: That's the spirit! Okay, the first one on my list is an agiarut!

FIG: What in the nine fucking hells is that?

hey has anyone ever heard of kristen applebees before?

Yeaaah? She's like the church of Helio's chosen prophet or somethin somethin why?

cool cool do you know why she's hosting a podcast with the lead singer of fig and cigfics?!

SHE'S WHAT

I hear my girl's name and I rise from my slumber and i come RUNNING

op whe'res the podcast where's the podcast op  op op

here!

Asdfghjk

I owe you my life

i never thought i'd see the day where the chosen prophet of helio is just vibing with a tiefling and losing their shit over how many string instruments there are but you what? i kinda like it

They sound like war veterans XD XD XD 'There's too many of them! There's too many' 'We got be strong! We got to be brave!! Think of our children!' 'For the children!' XD XD XD XD

Internet sensation justfig and kristen applebees prophet of helio being on a podcast together and creating increasingly complicated bits over imaginary kids as they sort over a hundred musical instruments from worst too best was not on my bingo card for thus year but you know what??? I'm okay with it

are you kidding me? i would DIE for jarnathan bartholomew helmetica and pubert

You ever watch something happen in real life and be like…. This may as well just happen. Like why not, at this point. 

This sort of behavior is beyond disrespectful and I hope Helio smites Kristen Applebees where she stands.

what sort of behaviour???? being a teenage girl????

She's spending time with a literal devil!

oh?? you mean she's spending time… with another teenage girl???? cmon man don't you ever just get tired

Yeah Don't You Get Tired of Being A Bigot?

Sometimes i'm like! Yes!! The world is getting better!! We are improving as a society!! And then i see shit like this and i remember that people suck

dude what are you from the 19th century??? 'Tieflings are devils' shit is so 1800s 

*two teenagers sorting musical instruments*

Religious Zealots: is this blasphemy??

I honestly can't tell if they're laughing or crying by the time they get to the hundredth one and they're only on the letter T from the list of 'bowed' instruments with the entirety of the strumming and struck/tapped string instruments left to go, and at this point i'm too afraid to ask

Both??? Both is good XD

TRANSCRIPT OF VIDEO 'pool's haunted' POSTED BY JUSTFIG

ID: [Video starts focused on the back of a small goblin in formal wear and a newsie's cap. He's waist deep in what appears to be a briefcase of holding, hauling out a growing amount of small explosives. Another person is standing in front of the goblin wearing athletic pants, hands on his hips, but the top half of his body is completely cut off.}

UNKNOWN: What's going on?

GOBLIN: Pool's haunted.

ID: {Goblin grabs an arquebus that's easily the length of his forearm out of its holster and primes it.]

UNKNOWN: The Ball- what the fuc-

GOBLIN: Pool's haunted, Fabian!! Get your sword and let's go-

UNKNOWN: Okay, okay, okay-

ID: {Behind the camera, Fig starts laughing. Both people jump, whirling around, and Fig yells as something gets thrown, camera jostling-}

GOBLIN: Fig-

ID: {The video abruptly cuts off.}

OKAY CONSPIRACY TIME

I NEED ANSWERS

WHERE THE HELL IS FIG FAETH GETTING ALL THESE TEENAGERS

What do you mean?

I MEAN that everytime i check on the Love of My Life Fig From the Cigfigs she's somehow got More Connections than before??? She knows everybody?? We've got FABIAN AREMAIS SEACASTOR we've goet the Chosen Prophet of The Church of Helio there's Gorgug her bandmate and that one person Adaine who appeared and vanished on social media in the span of half an hour we;ve got pool's haunted guy like what is going onnnnn

how do all these kids know Fig and How Can I Get In On This

TELL US YOUR SECRETSSSSS

pls pls pls pls pls pls pls

im so jellyyyyyy (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

List of People So Far

• Gorgug is her bandmate (easy mode)

• Fabian Aremais Seacastor is mentioned on her insta, and has apparently?? gifted a car to be blown up??

• Fabian Aremais Seacastor is probably the guy in the pool's haunted video (there can't be too many fabians)

• She's on a Cristen Appelbees podcast, who's apparently a religious figure of some kind? (i don't play with helio sorry not sorry)

• Adaine girl got a shoutout and then disappeared (i still think we scared her off)

• Theres a goblin in the pool's haunted video who knows fig

MORE MYSTERY On the credits of the Road Rage song there's a riz gukgak??? That's goblin name right?? Maybe pool's haunted person???

He could be her producer!

he's so small tho? 

Goblins are so small tho… ಠಿ⁠_⁠ಠ

it true it true

Hey! Goblin here! Even for goblins the person's pretty short, and also he sounds pretty young to me!

okay so not a producer then

no :/

you grow and you think I Will Be A Rogue and you imagine Being Sneaky and Like A Spy Abut no. no. you grow up and you're using rogue skills to try and figure out random people's lives on social media. you're turning into your mom. this is you now

Are we sure that we should be digging around in these guys personal info? Their minors and like. It's not really our busines? I mean who cares who fig hangs out with shes still making tunes

but consider this: i loves her

OH MY GODSSSSSS You guys are So DUMB

Fig goes to Aguefort Academy

It's literally her adventuring party asdfghjkl;

Asdfghjkl;'

Banging my head against the wall

ah shit

well. im out. off to become one with the stones where i belong

Op i owe you my life

＼⁠(⁠°⁠o⁠°⁠)⁠／

Does this mean i can't randomly and mysteriously become a best friend!?!??!?!?! tragedy. tragic. I live in a field of pain T.T T.T T.T

omfg