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Pomni laid motionless on her fourposter bed, staring beyond the red curtains at nothing in particular. Her mind had been racing for hours again , she couldn't sleep, her brain simply wouldn't let go of Gummigoo, who in a pop of confetti at the snap of Caines fingers had died. It had been a week now, many more adventures had already taken place. Many more terrifying and traumatizing moments.
It left her with the emptiest black hole in the pit of her stomach, like a constant anxiety. It didn't help that she had woken up after an hours sleep from yet another abstraction dream, in which she had been abandoned by everyone around her.
Her breaths became more irregular and shallow as she tried to keep down the tears that were now forming at the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill at any second.
she grabbed the mattress with her gloved fingers in a deathgrip, her heart now pounding, her arms trembling.
It didn't work.
The tears welled over and once again she broke down completely, she hugged the blanket close to her body in some semblance of comfort from another. Ugly sobs forced their way out of her and she felt the tearstains form quickly in the fabrics. She cried loudly and wondered if anyone heard her, not that it mattered... They didn't know how to handle or help her. They had already moved on and didn't seem to much care about this process about getting used to things while having constant existential crisis. Or was it just that she actually WAS overreacting?
That thought definitely didn't help, the sobs almost felt painful and she curled deeper into the blanket to muffle herself a bit, she was an absolute mess.
"Ple-please... please I just want..." she whispered ever so quietly in a little broken voice into the void that was this foreign room.
What did she want? Comfort yes but how, by who? She trusted no-one that much, even when Ragatha was very caring she would always try steering Pomnis thoughts elsewhere, when all Pomni wanted was that someone listened to her, to feel heard, to process things. Jax was a laughable option, he was as tactful as a blunt hammer.
Gangle was... well, fragile. It felt unfair to thrust these issues upon her.
Zooble didn't seem to care any less about anything and Kinger wasn't even a consideration at this point.
Her sobs had subsided somewhat, dulled down by the sheer amount of dawning loneliness she felt...
She heard something faint. It sounded like a knock on the door.
Another kind of anxiety took grip of her now
"Wh-who is it?" she called out shakily to the darkness in the general direction of her door.
"Is everything alright in there Pomni!?" the way-too-loud-for-middle-of-the-night voice of the ringmaster himself called.
Dread filled her stomach and she felt her mouth go dry, she wasn't ready for that. Without waiting for an answer Caine spoke again
"May I come in?" still just as cheery.
Damnit.
But part of her already felt better that someone was just there, even if it was an AI , and part of her problem no less, not that he could help it, he was just code and programming. Did he have feelings like Gummigoo did?
They're both AI...
To hell with it.
"Alright, y-yeah you can come... in..".
She had expected the door to get basically kicked in in an extravagant and loud fashion, so she braced herself by putting her pillow over her head to muffle the sound, but it never came. Instead ever so quietly she heard it creak and then close with a soft thud again.
From the little stream of light emanating from the door frame she saw the silhouette now of the uncharacteristically quiet ringmaster, the weird shape of his head contrasting greatly with his floating body. The sight was actually a bit terrifying.
She decided not to look at him so she turned her head to look at the wall to her right, she imagined how red and puffy and stuffy she must look... Atrocious. Dread continued to fill her stomach, like a dripping faucet, each little thought adding to it. What she must look like, why does that even matter, how is he supposed to help? Can he help or will he be awfully oblivious as always. What if she told him about the abstraction dreams? Would she, too, be tossed in the cellar? Confront him again about Gummigoo? What is even the extent of his programming, did he have free will? Does he feel pain? Regret? Sadness or empathy?
Her thoughts were bubbling over now.
Until she felt the mattress dip at the other side ever so gently.
She sneaked a peak at him from her peripheral vision.
He was looking at her, with his right hand hovering just next to her, clearly unsure what to do. He didn't seem to notice her looking at him, he looked down at his own hand and withdrew it.
Something about his posture was off, completely out of character, as if defeated and at a loss of what to do but without a silly excuse to escape and a stupid over the top exit.
She looked at her wall again. Her mind felt suddenly quiet, it was completely empty.
It felt as maddening as the overwhelming flood of thoughts that filled her head to the brim just seconds earlier. Nothing felt okay.
Caine broke the silence, swallowing before so uncharacteristically calmly and quietly asking her; "Do you want to... talk about what's wrong?".
It continued throwing her for a loop. It felt so human.
She felt a laugh bubble out of her mouth, it was completely humorless. It was soon replaced by another onslaught of hiccupping sobs again.
She couldn't see Caine but she imagined she must look completely bonkers right now.
"Pomni! I, I.." She heard him stammer behind her.
"No, no I don't really know where to begin Caine, I don't want to talk about what's wrong right now " She said between the hiccups, she wasn't lying. She wanted to talk, she did but right this instant, it was too weird already and she genuinely had no clue where to begin. Pomni was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.
Caine cleared his throat and asked her awkwardly, "I am aware you don't like to be touched without permission, so could I ask for permission? To touch you?".
He was asking for permission, he had either noticed or been told.
Something tugged within her, the strongest need for connection and a want to feel someone else there. She wished for something that felt human, warm and secure.
She quieted down to whimpers again. Then after a few seconds nodded.
She didn't know what to tell him, there were a million things that were wrong, that HE did wrong, to all of them. How would she even begin to tell him that he hurt them. And would he even understand the absolute existential crisis that was going on within her on a constant basis? Not to mention, once again lack of things that makes her feel human.
The thoughts stopped when she felt a hand softly land on her shoulder. It actually felt warm, but it was probably her being delusional at this point.
She sniffed a few times and felt the hand tug at her shoulder a bit, asking her to turn towards him.
She did, slowly.
She looked up at the bizarre face of Caine.
She could not read his expression, his eyes were always the round floating orbs, they gave nothing away. Sometimes his mouth would angle in a way were it made up for the lack of eyelids or eyebrows , giving him a pseudo expression. But just looking at him like this was a bit unnerving.
As if he read her thoughts he looked in another direction. Downwards to the side. It looked almost a bit sad in a way.
"Do you want me to hold you? Would that help?" She heard him ask.
She felt dazed, it was so strange to see him like this, hear him talk like that.
So human.
She nodded numbly.
She felt his hand slid off her shoulder, leaving it cold despite the poofy sleeve covering it.
He propped himself up on the bed properly, putting his legs up and resting his back against the headboard.
She felt another tug now, a small one on her sleeve, she looked down and saw his gloved hand prompting her to get pulled to him.
She felt herself comply and awkwardly crawled closer.
As she sat next to him with her back against the headboard she felt an arm snake around her back and wrap around her. He pulled her flush against his side.
He was warm. There was no denying that now.
She felt his thumb slowly moving up and down her upper arm in a soothing fashion.
Pomni looked up at him, completely transfixed. He didn't meet her eyes. He looked forward into the darkness of the room. He actually looked relaxed, resting against the headboard, shoulders slumped, even a slow and calm breathing animation with the rise and fall of his chest. She assumes he doesn't actually need to breathe.
He then leaned forward and grabbed the blanked which laid bunched up to the side where she was facing the wall before.
She blushed when she felt him press against her even more as he leaned.
With one flick of the wrist he somehow managed to untangle the blanket, letting it fall over the both of them.
The sudden comfort, being wrapped up in someone's arm as well as blankets, the feeling of being cared for...
New tears began to well up now, for entirely different reasons, soft sobs and whimpers came out of her mouth again, and she felt Caine pull her closer towards his chest now. Slowly rubbing her arm and back.
"Shhh.. Shhh, its alright, lets try to get some sleep now."
Her face rested now completely against his chest, tears staining the ringmasters suit. It felt wet and she laughed a bit between the sobs.
This was utterly, f#@%*!ng, bonkers.
There was a weight upon her head, she was completely nestled under his "jawline" now.
Pomni was certain she never felt this safe in her life, even as a human. This was something she had craved her whole life. but always been pushed away. for because of what she had been told was being hypocritical. Just because she doesn't like being touched unannounced or in certain ways, didn't mean she couldn't want intimacy.
She dared to snake her arm around his waist. Returning the warm, safe hold. She felt him jump slightly at the touch but just as quickly settled down again.
He felt firm. Like an actual person.
He was acting like he was an actual person, with empathy for human emotion, understanding of distress. But was that real? Or was it just computing code telling him what to do?
Did it even make a difference?
And how come she so easily just let go of all bad thoughts the moment he held her? Was she THAT desperate for closeness? She would have to re-evaluate all those thoughts in the morning.
Because now, at least for now, she could finally let go.
For the first time since coming here, she felt herself slowly drift off to sleep completely empty minded and content.
If only just for a moment.