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I was in love
Otto adores Awsten. Everyone knows that. Take one look at them together and everyone can see it. They kiss like nobody's watching them, always holding hands or touching in some way. Awsten leans on Otto. Otto sits on Awsten. It’s symbiotic.
Every waking moment is lived for each other. Otto finds he can’t breathe if he stops thinking about Awsten for more than a second. Being apart is impossible, so they try not to do it.
Or, at least, they didn’t used to.
You were impatient
Awsten throws himself into everything. He loves in a way that consumes him. It consumes Otto, too. Most of what he does is on Awsten’s whim, which is wild and ever changing. He doesn’t wait for anyone.
Not even Otto.
I was your fool
Otto never understood what it meant to be stupid about someone until he met Awsten. He always considered himself a pretty sensible person. Sure, he had streaks of madness, dumb little ideas that he rarely acted on. With Awsten, though, he got to be truly silly. There wasn’t a stupid idea Awsten wouldn’t approve of.
It got them both in a lot of little troubles, but they also had a lot of fun. Maybe that’s why Otto won’t leave him. Being in love with Awsten is the most exciting thing Otto has ever felt. Even when things weren’t perfect.
Who is he kidding? Things were never perfect. They were good, sometimes. Otto was in love. Isn’t that the point of a relationship? To be in love, damn everything else.
He’s still in love. Despite everything.
Your Entertainment
Sometimes, Otto likes to pretend that the songs Awsten writes are about him. He knows none of them are.
“If I have something to say to you, I’ll say it to your pretty face.” Awsten always says, when Otto asks if this new song is finally about him. “I don’t need to hide behind my lyrics.”
Otto used to like that excuse because it made him feel special. He isn’t like the girls Awsten dated before. He means more. Their love transcends all that.
Eventually, though, he got sick of it. Why is Otto the exception? What’s so different about him that he doesn’t get one of Awsten’s songs?
So Otto pretends. He’s very good at that. He flips through the CD inserts and picks a song to be about him. Lucky People. Pink. Peach.
We Need To Talk. Easy To Hate. Closer.
Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Now I'm in the ballroom
Awsten is late home from work. This is normal, but it makes Otto anxious anyway. He sits in their living room, staring at the blank TV across from him. Turning it on invites the casual passage of time and Otto doesn’t want that. He wants to feel every second that Awsten is not here.
It’s weird how they can have the same job but Awsten always seems to have way more to do than Otto does. Suspicious, some might say.
Otto knows Awsten better than that. Or he used to, at least. It may be Otto’s fault for not waiting for Awsten, or insisting he come home with him at a reasonable time. Maybe this is all Otto’s fault. He started it. He was the one who kissed Awsten in a rush of adrenaline and kicked this whole thing off.
There’s a disk in the CD player that Otto insists on keeping even though Awsten says his phone and bluetooth speaker are perfectly adequate for playing music. Otto is oldschool. He likes the quality of a CD, the feel of it in his hand as he changes the album.
He misses the feeling of Awsten under his hands.
Just waiting to dance with your ghost
While he waits for Awsten to get home, he listens through MCR’s whole discography in order. By the time Awsten pulls into the drive, he’s halfway through Danger Days. As Awsten finally comes into the house, Summertime starts playing.
This is their song. The one Awsten used to request at parties just so he could drag Otto onto the dancefloor and wrap his arms around his neck. Otto can’t dance, not really, but he does when Awsten wants him to. They always get far too silly about it, and inevitably end up falling on the floor.
It’s been a long time since they’ve done that. They don’t go to many parties anymore. Being the only sober people in a room can be fun, if they’re together. It’s when you’re alone that being the only person not blackout drunk stops being fun.
“Hey.” Awsten mumbles as he walks into the house.
“Hello, darlin’.” Otto gets up from the sofa, letting the song play.
Awsten just grunts, through his keys next to the bowl by the door. Not into it. Otto pretends he isn’t annoyed by that. He takes a deep breath.
And dancing exhausts me
“Hey.” Otto holds out his hand to Awsten. “Come dance with me.”
“I’m tired.” Awsten rubs his eyes.
“Come on.” Otto makes grabby hands at him. “Please?”
Awsten sighs. “Why?”
But I want to dance with you most
“Because I love you.” Otto whispers. He still means it. “We haven’t danced together in ages.”
“Maybe tomorrow night.” Awsten shakes his head. Then he adds, like an afterthought, “I love you too.”
And I, I don't need to kiss you
“Oh. Alright.” Otto drops his hand back to his side. He tries not to let the rejection get to him. It stings anyway. “Are you going straight to bed, then?”
“Yeah.” Awsten kicks off his shoes and leaves them in the middle of the floor. Otto takes another deep breath. “I’ll see you later.”
I don't even need to be friends
“I- I was gonna come with you.” Otto steps closer to Awsten and is grateful when he doesn’t step back. “I can read to you, if you want.”
“You don’t have to.” Awsten says, even though he has said multiple times before that it helps him sleep.
“I want to.”
I just want to be told when it ends
Awsten sighs like he’s frustrated at Otto’s persistence. Like he’s sick of him. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Otto repeats back, trying to match the unaffected flat tone Awsten gives him, but he can’t keep the love out of his voice.
I was in love
Sometimes Otto wants to kiss Awsten until he can’t breathe. Like they used to when they were both in their twenties, crawling all over each other at the first opportunity. Between shows, on the tour bus, in hotels and out with friends. It’s always funny when an acquaintance tells Otto he must have been drunk last night because he was all over Awsten.
If they knew him, they would know that Otto is always all over Awsten. The heart eyes are constant, the lingering touches a habit he will never break. His chest fills with a comfortable heaviness when Awsten rests his head on his shoulder. They have to be in contact at all times, or they both get antsy.
It’s love, and it’s forever.
I couldn't stand you
Sometimes, though, Otto wants to strangle the life out of Awsten.
“Are you fucking serious?” Otto asks. “It’s eleven o’clock! You said you would be home at six! You didn’t even fucking text me.”
“Why would I text you?” Awsten mutters. “It’s not like you ever answer your phone.”
“That’s not fair.” Otto says, very aware that his phone died for a couple of hours today and he didn’t even notice. “You know I’m no good with that stuff.”
“And I’m no good with time management. So which of us is being unfair?” Awsten snaps, so unlike him that Otto is a little taken aback.
I could move on
“What’s your problem tonight?” Otto puts his hand on Awsten’s shoulder and is grateful when he doesn’t immediately get shrugged off.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does if you’re upset.”
“Why are you still here?” Awsten asks. “I know you’re sick of me. You could leave.”
“What?” Otto says, even though he knows what Awsten means.
Some days, he is sick of him. Of the mess in the house, the mysterious late nights, the arguing, the bad moods. But those things have always been a part of Awsten, and Otto loves Awsten. So he has to love those things too. He can’t pick and choose.
I never planned to
“I’m not going anywhere.” Otto says firmly. “I love you, all of you. I’m in this thing forever.”
“Even if I suck?” Awsten asks.
Otto can’t help himself. He giggles as Awsten blushes when he realises what he just said.
“I mean,” Otto laughs, “You certainly do-”
“Oh, shut up.” Awsten shoves his shoulder affectionately and rolls his eyes. “You’re so gross.”
“Because you’ve never made a dick joke.” Otto grabs Awsten’s arm and pulls him into a hug. “I love you.”
“Mmm.” Awsten buries his face into Otto’s shoulder. “I love you too, dumbass.”
Now I'm in the kitchen
Otto feels bad. He doesn’t know why. Maybe because he snapped. Awsten snapped too, but it’s worse when Otto does because he’s meant to be the chill one. The sensible one.
To make up for it, Otto decides to cook something. He has already eaten, alone in the hours he spent waiting for Awsten to show back up. Awsten won’t have remembered to eat since Otto left him at the studio, so he makes him some pasta. It’s a simple meal, but Awsten will like it. He likes anything Otto makes for him.
Just making a meal you won't eat
“I’m not hungry.” Awsten mumbles when Otto tries to present it to him. He’s on his phone, texting someone.
Otto does his best not to pry as to who. It probably isn’t even anyone out of the normal. “Sure you are. When was the last time you ate a meal?”
He knows Awsten. Meals aren’t something he eats when he’s unsupervised.
“When I was on my way home. I picked something up.” Awsten doesn’t even look at what Otto has made him.
And cooking exhausts me
Otto is so tired. He is a night owl but he has had such a stressful evening waiting for Awsten to come home. Going to bed angry doesn’t seem like the best option, but what else are they supposed to do?
But I want to do something sweet
“God forbid I be nice.” Otto mutters.
“I appreciate it.” Awsten says. “It’s just not what I need right now. I want to go to bed.”
“Right.” Otto doesn’t bother tidying up the kitchen.
And I, I don't want to kiss you
They both get into bed. Neither of them speaks, none of their usual late night chatter about their days. Awsten doesn’t lean over to kiss him goodnight or cuddle into him.
To be fair, Otto doesn’t either.
I don't even want to be friends
“Are we over?” Otto asks quietly. He doesn’t really know what he means, or why he asked that. It just felt like the right thing to say.
Awsten stares up at the ceiling. “Do you want to be?”
“No.” Otto says earnestly. He rolls onto his side to look at Awsten properly. “If we’re making it my decision, then no .”
“What if it’s my decision?” Awsten mumbles. He doesn’t make eye contact.
“Then I’d like you to make it.” Otto says. “I’d like to know the answer.”
I just want to be told when it ends
Awsten shrugs. “I really don’t know.”