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It's fine, it's cool
When Geoff wraps an arm around Awsten’s shoulders and doesn’t immediately get shrugged off, his heart flutters. It’s pathetic really. He doesn’t have anything else to cling on to.
He rests his cheek against Awsten’s temple, listening to him talk about God knows what. It doesn’t really matter as long as he’s distracted enough not to pull away. Otto eyes them, but doesn’t say anything. Jawn isn’t so subtle.
“You two are cute.” He teases.
Otto rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his coke so he doesn’t have to say anything. Travis tilts his head, like he’s seeing something new about them for the first time. Geoff blushes, turning his face into Awsten’s hair. He’s being obvious, but he doesn’t care. He wants to be obvious.
Everyone should know that Geoff is enamoured with Awsten.
You can say that we are nothing, but you know the truth
Awsten scoffs. “We’re just friends.”
There’s no hesitation. He isn’t even flustered. Not an inkling that he doesn’t mean it. Like he completely believes it. Even though they were making out in Geoff’s car not an hour ago. They’re in public now, though, and Awsten won’t let anything slip.
And guess I'm the fool
Geoff rarely considers himself stupid, but this might be one of those times. Sticking through it with Awsten is an awful idea. And yet he does it, because he’s a sucker for getting his heart broken.
It’s fun. Sue him. Awsten is fun.
With her arms out like an angel through the car sunroof
He’s also beautiful. The rare nights when Geoff can get him out on the dancefloor, Awsten looks so alive that Geoff wants to capture that moment and keep it in a jar. It’s the only time Awsten will hold him in public, arms around his neck, laughing as they dance badly.
When they’re alone, driving down a random interstate with Geoff at the wheel, Awsten screaming the lyrics to whatever song he’s obsessed with this week - it’s like Geoff is in heaven. The real world doesn’t exist then. They can make out at rest stops and viewpoints and nothing gets between them.
Not even Awsten’s inability to get over the fact that Geoff is a man.
I don't wanna call it off
Sometimes Geoff thinks he deserves better, but what he wants is Awsten. Any attempts to ask for more are brushed off with a we have fun, don’t we?
And they do. When Awsten is his, he’s his. They work so well together, love so sweetly that it rots Geoff’s teeth. But that is such a small percentage of the time that it’s barely worth it. The rest of the time, Awsten won’t even acknowledge that he likes men.
Geoff should leave. He should drop off the face of the Earth, not even talk to Otto or Jawn or Travis. But he doesn’t. He sticks around and lets it happen.
But you don't wanna call it love
Awsten never calls it anything. Not boyfriends or partners or friends with benefits. If Geoff brings it up, Awsten brushes him off. He kisses Geoff until he can’t think about anything else.
Except that he might be in love. And if this is love, then he never wants to experience it again.
You only wanna be the one that I call "baby"
Geoff doesn’t see anyone else. He tries, but whenever he gets talking to someone at the bar, Awsten just stares at him. It’s possessive but silent. Geoff feels guilty for even trying.
He goes right back.
I'm cliché, who cares?
He was never one for big romantic gestures, but maybe he would like something more than being invited into the bar bathroom with a glance and a tap on his thigh. Geoff waits the appropriate amount of time before following Awsten, making some excuse about needing to call a friend back.
Otto rolls his eyes again, like he knows exactly what they’re doing. Travis seems mostly oblivious. Jawn looks confused, like he realises that all of Geoff’s friends are already here, but he lets it go.
It's a sexually explicit kind of love affair
Awsten shoves Geoff into the bathroom stall wall, and Geoff pulls away from the kiss long enough to say, “Talk to me.”
“Okay, pretty boy.” Awsten teases.
Geoff can’t help but roll his eyes. Maybe if he imitates Otto well enough, they’ll get somewhere. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Say what you mean then, beautiful.” Awsten mumbles, planting kisses down the column of Geoff’s throat.
Geoff’s face heats at the compliment, but he doesn’t let it get the better of him. “Tell me this is real. That you aren’t just messing with me.”
Awsten doesn’t say anything.
And I cry, it's not fair
“Dude.” Geoff shoves him off. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What do you want from me?” Awsten asks, exasperated like he isn’t the one being difficult.
Geoff doesn’t know how to answer him. The words get stuck in his throat as the tears roll down his face. Everything he wants to say sounds too much like begging and he definitely doesn’t want to do that. He’s pathetic, but not that pathetic.
“Oh, dude, don’t cry.” Awsten wraps his arms around Geoff’s shoulders. “Don’t be like that.”
I just need a little lovin', I just need a little air
“I just want you to care about me.” Geoff sniffs. “It feels like you don’t.”
“Of course I do.” Awsten strokes his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “It’s just… complicated, you know?”
Think I'm gonna call it off
“I don’t want complicated. I want you. I want to tell people that I love you.” Geoff clings to the back of Awsten’s shirt. “If that’s not possible, then I don’t want this.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” Awsten asks. He doesn’t sound all that bothered.
“We aren’t even together. But I guess.” Geoff shrugs. “Unless you wanna choose now to finally say you love me. I know you do.”
He doesn’t know for sure, but if he says it enough it might come true.
Even if you call it love
“Geoff, come on. It isn’t- it’s not like that.” Awsten tries to take Geoff’s hand.
It isn’t I love you . It isn’t even close. Awsten doesn’t even have the decency to pretend he cares about him.
Geoff snatches his hand back and shoves his way out of the bathroom stall. “Leave me alone.”
He wants to throw something at him, but there’s nothing to hand except his phone and he doesn’t want to give Awsten the satisfaction of buying him a new one. His expensive gifts have no power here. Instead Geoff storms back out into the bar, intending to get in the nearest cab and go home. He’s sick of this place. He’s sick of being treated like he’s expendable.
“Hey, there you are.” Jawn catches Geoff almost as soon as he leaves the bathroom. Concern paints his features. Otto and Travis are still sitting at their usual table in the corner, watching warily. “Dude, what happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going home.” Geoff insists, but Jawn won’t let go of his arm.
I just wanna love someone who calls me "baby"
“Geoff.” Jawn puts his hand on his shoulder gently. “Just tell me what he did.”
Somehow, Geoff knows they’re talking about the same thing. The same person. It’s like Jawn has read his mind, or put two and two together and realised the only other person missing from their group is Awsten. That the longing glances aren’t nothing like Awsten seems to think.
“You’ll side with him. Like Otto always does.” Geoff wipes at his eyes, desperate to stop crying in the middle of the bar like he’s a drunk teenage girl.
“He’s doing it again, isn’t he?” Jawn says quietly.
Geoff is taken aback by that. “Doing what?”
“Fucking a guy around because he can’t admit that he isn’t straight? He’s done it before, that's all I’m saying.” Jawn shrugs, doesn’t look at Geoff.
“...To you?” Geoff asks quietly. He feels sick.
“Maybe.” Jawn mutters, and a whole lot of things start to make sense. The reason Jawn hardly ever talks about seeing anyone, and on the rare occasion that he does, he’s always looking right at Awsten as he says it.
Geoff pauses. He makes a bad decision. “Wanna ruin his evening?”
Jawn frowns, then something clicks in his head, and he smiles like the sun. Not in the charismatic way that Awsten does. A genuine, excited smile. “Always, baby.”
Kissing Jawn is a bad idea. It feels odd after so long obsessing over Awsten’s lips. But it’s nice, and the horrified gasp Awsten lets out when he leaves the bathroom and sees them is worth it.
Awsten storms off. Otto follows him. Travis orders himself another drink. Geoff spends the night with Jawn, and their friendship group crumbles to pieces.
When you wake up next to him in the middle of the night
Geoff gets the call early in the morning. He’s still awake, like he always is at this time of night. His insomnia never did get better. At least he drinks less now.
He doesn’t recognise the number, but something in him knows. It’s been two years, but he knows. There are very few people who would understand that calling him now would be more likely to get a response. There are even less people who could count on him to pick up.
“Awsten.” He says as an answer.
Awsten laughs. “How did you know? I changed my number.”
Because I would know you anywhere. In the dark of the void and at the end of the universe. Dead or alive or anything in between, I would always know it was you. In any reality, in any world, even the ones where we didn’t meet for more than a moment.
“I had a feeling.” Geoff says, instead of all that. “What’s up?”
“I, uh, can’t sleep. I thought about you, and realised I hadn’t reached out in a while.” Awsten says.
Geoff has always been able to tell when he’s lying, and never able to call him out on it. He switches subjects. “I saw you got married. You two moved fast.”
The blonde girl. Geoff actually threw his phone when he saw that online. Travis was at the wedding. Jawn and Otto were not.
With your head in your hands, you're nothing more than his wife
“Oh, yeah, that.” Awsten breathes out heavily. “She’s asleep right now.”
“I would hope so. It’s nearly three o’clock.” Geoff laughs lightly, which makes Awsten snort.
“We were never good with sleep schedules.” He says. Then he sighs. “I’ve, uh, been thinking about you a lot recently.”
And when you think about me, all of those years ago
Of course he has. Of course Awsten waited until he was married to finally regret it all. To reach out and say something.
“We had a lot of fun.” Geoff agrees noncommittally.
“Yeah, uh, probably the most fun I’ve ever had.” Awsten sounds like he’s trying to say something, maybe building up to an apology.
Geoff doesn’t want it. He made peace with it all years ago. Awsten didn’t really love him. If he did, he wasn’t mature enough to deal with the fact that Geoff is a man. A damn good man, who was very patient with Awsten’s bullshit and back-and-forthing on his sexuality. Even when it didn’t come up in his favour.
Even when Awsten didn’t come after him. When Jawn got to him first.
You're standing face to face with "I told you so"
These are the consequences of Awsten’s own actions. Geoff did nothing but try to help him figure it out. If he didn’t before making a commitment he doesn’t want to keep, then that’s not Geoff’s fault.
“Well, you ruined that.” Geoff says, just to be bitchy. He never got the chance to be back then, and he has no bridges left to burn.
“You slept with my best friend.” Awsten says quietly. Like that’s the worst sin either of them has ever committed.
“You broke my fucking heart.” Geoff laughs bitterly. “Jawn at least had the decency to admit he liked me. You still aren’t out as bisexual or whatever.”
You know I hate to say, "I told you so"
“I’m not-” Awsten starts.
Geoff cuts him off by laughing so hard he thinks he might throw up. “Aren’t you? Did it have to take me and Jawn and Otto and fucking Travis for you to figure that out?”
Awsten pauses, then says, “I didn’t think you knew about that.”
“Which bit? That you quit Jawn for me? That when I couldn’t take any more of your shit, you went to Otto? When he finally got sick of you-” Geoff chokes and realises he’s crying. “You’re awful. There’s something seriously wrong with you.”
“I… made a mistake.” Awsten says. He doesn’t clarify which bit of this mess he’s referring to.
You know I hate to say, but, I told you so
“I told you this would end in tears. I told you to figure your shit out or one of us would end up hurt. And now look. We’re both hurt. I’m alone on a Friday night and you’re married to someone that can’t stop you from thinking about me. Well fucking done, Awsten Knight. I hope you’re fucking happy.” Geoff hangs up before Awsten can say anything else that upsets him.
He sits in his bed sobbing for a while, until the tightness in his chest gets too much and he has to calm himself down. Once he’s reached some level of post-anger clarity, he picks his phone back up and digs through his contacts until he finds the number he’s looking for. One he hasn’t texted in months.
Geoff: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Jawn: nothin y?
You can kiss a hundred boys in bars
The greatest thing about Jawn is that he doesn’t care who sees them. The second is that he wouldn’t know a bad idea if it punched him square in the face. They both know Awsten still lives in this neighbourhood. They both know it will start a fight if he sees them.
They do it anyway. Geoff kisses him in front of everyone and Jawn giggles into his mouth like a lovesick teenager. Neither can keep their hands off the other. Jawn wears a rainbow wristband and tells the bartender that he and Geoff are on a date.
They aren’t on a date, but what gets back to Awsten is none of Geoff’s business.
Shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling (well, I told you so)
“Ew, no.” Jawn insists as Geoff orders another round of shots. “I hate vodka. You know I do.”
“Don’t be boring.” Geoff tightens his arm around Jawn’s waist. Jawn slips his hand into Geoff’s back pocket. “I need you drunk enough to sit on my lap without complaining.”
“Why?” Jawn laughs as he picks up the shot glass.
Geoff doesn’t want to admit it’s because he hopes Awsten walks in here with his new wife and sees them. That would hurt Jawn’s feelings and make him look shitty. So he just kisses Jawn and they down their shots like neither of them ever said anything.
You can say it's just the way you are
Geoff doesn’t know how to love without it being in spite of Awsten. He ruined everything and now he invades Geoff’s every thought. It isn’t Geoff’s fault. This is just how he is now. As long as he doesn’t voice it to Jawn, it doesn’t matter. Even if he did, Jawn gets it.
Make a new excuse, another stupid reason
This is a bad idea. Jawn and Geoff got hurt in the same way and now they’re probably going to hurt each other. It’s better than being alone, Geoff reasons. It’s better than either of them crawling back to Awsten.
Good luck, babe (well, good luck), well, good luck, babe (well, good luck)
This is going to end in tears.
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
Geoff thinks about Awsten every single day. He’s sure Jawn does too. Neither of them bring it up.
Even when Awsten divorces his wife and moves in with Otto.