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He’s a bit numb after it happens. He expected some overwhelming sadness to engulf him, but he’s left surprisingly blank.
He looks over to his brothers beside him.
One’s sunshine has been extinguished; a cold mask of courage and preservation is erected. No smile of encouragement, just an underlying determination is set into a strong jaw. He preferred the sunshine.
The other has visibly wilted, tears making tracks down a bare cheek. A shuddering breath later, the tears are wiped away. Sadness replaced by resolve, a forced smile of encouragement makes its presence known. He preferred the honest vulnerability.
He looks back at the harbinger of bad news. He still feels nothing, just stagnant air filling and emptying his lungs. He waves off the worried gazes before getting up and leaving the room.
“I’m fine, but I need to know why I’m fine when I shouldn’t be.”
He isn’t sure what he is looking for, so he wandered the familiar streets of a foreign country. He wonders if he should have disguised himself and instinctively pulls the collar of his shirt up. He walks carelessly, weaving through the pedestrians rushing past him to their destinations.
He spots a young man dancing to an unheard beat in the crowd. Earphones pressed to his head, he skillfully navigates through the crowd without bumping into anyone, never missing a beat. He is reminded of someone hundreds of miles away. He wonders if he’s heard the news yet.
His stomach rumbles. He’s a bit taken aback at his body’s normal response to hunger. He is still numb, but can feel hunger…interesting.
He enters the first ramen shop he sees and orders without much thought. He’s surprised at the amount of food that is placed in front of him. The owner was good enough to hold off making the other four bowls of ramen, but spared none of the side dishes. His table is loaded with fried tofu, teriyaki, edamame, and unagi.
He wonders what he’s going to do with all the food set in front of him. Then he thinks of someone who would have no problem solving that problem for him. He hopes he hasn’t heard the news yet, the boy was already getting skinnier as it was. Uttering an “itadakimasu” he tries to fill the emptiness inside.
He finds himself in front of a karaoke bar and thinks he’s finally found his destination. If nothing else, music has never failed to make him feel something. From the greatest triumphs to the deepest sorrows, he’s sure he can find what he’s looking for here.
He pays for a private room and orders lots of sake. Even if he doesn’t feel depressed, he can still sulk properly. The hostess titters excitedly when she realizes who she’s showing the room to, but has the sense to leave without too much fuss.
Upon entering the room, he finds his own face looking back at him from the television screen. How ironic the first song he hears is one of their own. He sets the sake bottles on the table before turning back to the screen. He watches for a few more seconds before opening his mouth to join in the chorus.
No sounds escape his vocal cords. He tries again. The song ends before his third attempt.
He frowns. A new song comes up, something catchy that he’s been hearing on the radio recently. He sings a few lines without problem. He frowns again and fills the playlist with Tohoshinki songs and a few Dong Bang Shin Ki songs that are available.
Four bottles of sake later, he is still unable to sing a single word of the songs he has perfected time after time.
Two more bottles later he realizes he is still numb, but now he knows why he can’t sing their music.
He’s lost his soul and without it, he can’t make their music come to life.
Another bottle later, with proper sulking, he’s fallen sleep to their voices serenading him.
He wakes up to the chime of his cell phone signaling the receipt of a new message. He looks at the time, 2:34 AM. He flips open his phone, apparently the message is from an unlisted number. He deletes it without opening the message. He hasn’t had fans messaging his phone for awhile; he thinks it might be time to change his number again.
He gathers his belongings and pays for monopolizing the room for almost five hours. Wide awake now, he doesn’t know where to head to before going back to his apartment.
He messages the other two before they can send out a search party for him, telling them not to worry and not to wait up. He shuts his phone off and heads towards the Sumida River. It may not be the Han River in Korea, but he hopes it will still provide him the kind of peace he finds there.
He doesn’t know that hundreds of miles away, someone is waiting for a reply to his message.
He waits for the sorrow and grief to overcome him. Still nothing.
He tries to will himself into depression, that is the proper response to this mess, but he is still unable to get there. He sighs in frustration and turns on his phone to look at the time. He sees he has several more messages from the unlisted number.
He figures he has nothing else to do, since his heart refuses to cooperate and break properly, he opens the message. Don’t tell me you’re already drunk. I know you have better tolerance than that.
He opens the next message. I thought you were quick at responding. How is it possible that I am beating you to it?
He chuckles and opens the next message. Just ignore me. I see how it is. Well I hope you’re having fun sulking by yourself.
He clicks on the next message. Jaejoong-ah, where are you? The Han is lonely without you. That last message was sent twenty minutes ago. He wonders if the sender is still awake for his replies. He sends one anyway.
The Sumida doesn’t have the right ambience, I can’t even sulk properly. —_—" Jae is lonely without the Han too. TT_TT
He waits for a response. Impatient for one, he sends another message. My heart refuses to cooperate. Can you fix it?
A broken heart is not easily fixed. I can try my best, but I make no promises.
My heart is not broken, and that might be the problem. Why is it still intact when my soul is lost? It should be in mourning of its lost brother.
The soul may be tired and resting, but it is not lost. Give it some time to recharge. The heart need not be broken.
He pauses and places a hand over his heart. A steady beat greets his palm.
The heart knows that its brother will return one day and that is why it does not break. It keeps faith.
He understands why he’s fine now. A small smile curves his lips. Thank you, Yunho-yah ♥