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Maps are fascinating things. They seem to be among things that were born out of desperation. Perhaps there was a traveler once who lost his way. Who drew on dirt with broken twigs in some hope of finding his way back home. Perhaps we all feel that desperation at various moments in our lives. When we are stuck in some place, some moment in time, and we see no way out.
Hyun-woo knows what such desperation feels like. He knows what it is to be stuck in a nightmare with no way around. He knows sometimes there is no way around except through. He still finds comfort in maps, in history. He sometimes retraces the moments Hae-in and him have lived. The nightmares he has fought. Traces them like paths on an old map. Taking comfort in the fact that they made it through.
Hae-in and Hyun-woo don’t keep secrets from each other. Not anymore. Their hearts aren’t fortresses anymore. Oh they are still heavily guarded and kept behind stone walls, but there are doors now in those walls. There are keys. Hae-in has his and he has hers. So, no, they don’t keep secrets anymore.
So why does this exist? This moment:
Hyun-woo enters the bedroom and Hae-in startles. And for a moment Hyun-woo is a stranger. For a second he is a man whose every atom is drawn to a woman who doesn’t recognize him. And then the world is realigning itself and he’s back to the present. The present where life is soft. Where Hyun-woo can lay his head on his wife’s lap and let all worries melt away. The present where life has suddenly hardened because his wife just startled at his presence.
He says nothing. Pretends he didn’t see her shove something under the bed. He wants to know. He never wants echoes of their past mistakes between them. But he decides he’ll wait. He will not flatten her pride. He refuses to embarrass her into a confession. He’ll wait because they have time. The gift they never thought they’d ever have again.
So he waits. And there is another moment:
The heat is sweltering. The sun is bright and the air is heavy. Summer is a little trickster that lets stones shimmer, paint rivers golden and makes the oldest of things in this world seem young.
Summer makes it all feel new. The taste of strawberry ice cream, the feel of Hae-in’s hand in his, the way the light catches her eyes and they way Hyun-woo’s breath hitches in his chest in response. They’ve been married for years now. They’ve been through so much. Their love is an old thing nestled in his heart, so comfortable that he can’t remember a time without it. And yet summer makes it seem all so new.
He’s watching her like it’s the first time he’s ever seen her. Taking in the way the light paints her skin golden. That’s when he notices it. Pink ice cream dripping over the purse Hae-in is holding onto with a white-knuckled grip. He tips his head towards the purse, an amused smile on his face.
Hae-in looks predictably horrified. His smile gentles as he pulls out a handkerchief. He’s reaching for the bag when abruptly Hae-in pulls it out of his grasp. His hand falters, he looks up at her, confused.
His wife is allowed her privacy. But she was also the one who insisted on complete transparency. It’s not even difficult anymore. It’s an effort to keep secrets from one another. Sometimes Hyun-woo is convinced they share a single soul.
What hurts in this moment is the look in Hae-in’s eyes. It sears through his heart. The pain, the shame and the fear in her eyes. He doesn’t want to remember the moments he saw the same look in Hae-in’s eyes and what came after.
He lowers his gaze. Bends his head. Whatever secrets she is keeping, she has no reason to feel shame in front of a coward who once rejoiced at the idea of his wife’s death.
So he takes her hand in his and places the handkerchief in it. He lets this moment go. He’s sure her secrets will spill into his soul when she’s ready to open the door.
And this is where Hyun-woo breaks:
There is a safe in their closet. On Hae-in’s side of the closet. He found it while searching for his tie. He hadn’t even known about it before. It unsettles him. The idea of Hae-in hiding something, significant enough to warrant the presence of a safe.
He knows Hae-in better than he knows himself. He is not oblivious to the way this secret seems to be weighing her down. He wants to beg her to let him lift it off her shoulders. Does she still not understand that he would rather carry the crushing weight of this world than watch her struggle alone?
It also seems symbolic somehow. Hae-in locking him out of the safe. Is he also about to be locked out of her life?
It’s not a big deal. It’s not.
His hands are shaking.
He hid something in a safe once. He remembers the destruction it wrought. He also remembers the misery that led him to printing the divorce papers and hiding them.
His mind is racing, going over recent memories again and again until he’s not sure what’s real and what’s not. He doesn’t know if his wife is truly happy. He thought she was. He doesn’t even know what the safe contains. He has no clue what she’s hiding.
But he hasn't forgotten the wreckage secrets cause. He hasn’t forgotten the tendency they have to rip apart every truth in life until all you see are lies. He knows the catastrophic storms secrets bring. He’d survived the last one. He doesn’t think he’ll survive this one.
Later, he talks to Hae-in about everything and nothing. He can’t find the words to ask her.The words simply don’t exist.
This, where it unravels:
She looks beautiful; radiant. She has her hair up and Hyun-woo could spend the rest of the night lost in the way light caresses the curve of her neck.
They’re at her new favourite restaurant. She’s been picking at her food. As if her mouth is already too busy swallowing down words that need to be spoken.
“Something wrong with the food?” He asks.
“No.”
She gives up on the food eventually and starts toying with her purse. She’s glaring down at her hands. It’s such a fierce look and so very Hae-in that it almost makes him smile.
He’s not sure what happens next.
He makes a comment. Not sure what. Something to make her smile or something to rile her up. Some proof of life from the icy woman in front of him. She starts to reply while making some sort of hand gesture, consequently knocking her drink in the process.
It spills onto her purse.
It seeps into it.
And Hae-in? Hae-in loses it. For a second he’s frozen in shock as he watches her struggle to breathe. Her hands are shaking as she frantically tries to pull something out of her purse. She’s sobbing and the sound jolts him into action. He wraps his arms around her as if trying to physically stop her from falling apart.
He feels the desperation to somehow fix this. He’ll do anything, give anything to stop her from hurting. How much more does she have to hurt? Can a soul even bear anymore? His kisses her temple as he pleads “Tell me how to fix this”
Later, when her sobs have died down, she’s still cocooned in his arms. Her head is still resting on his chest. His hand smoothing over her hair repeatedly. Her voice is resigned and exhausted from the panic attack, when she says “It’s ruined. Isn’t it?”
There’s a small notebook in her hand. It’s soaked. It seems like such a benign, trivial little object. Hard to believe it caused Hong Hae-in to break down.
“Is it really so important?” Even as he asks he knows it’s a dumb question.
Her reply though is unexpected and a little worrying. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose any part of you again. I can’t lose my way again.”
He tries to understand. He fails to make a connection between him and the soggy notebook.
Before he can ask, she’s speaking again in that tired, almost drowsy voice. “It’s embarrassing. It’s a weakness. I didn’t want you to look at me with pity.”
“Hae-in what..?”
“I am so scared. So scared that it’ll happen again. I’ll wake up one day and you’ll be a stranger.” She lets out a little sob as she adds “I’ll hurt you and I’ll lose every piece of me all over again.”
He starts to piece it all together. Flashes of memories flit through his mind. He remembers Hae-in constantly scribbling something in a notebook at random times. He remembers Hae-in asking him to repeat his words sometimes. Especially ones that cause her to smile that rare, soft smile. She’s been documenting every moment she can. A traveler drawing her path, terrified of getting lost again.
The realization leaves Hyun-woo breathless with agony. There are tears running down his face before he knows it. How could she hide this? How did he not see the depth of her fears?
Hae-in had hated the idea of losing herself before the surgery. Of course she would be terrified of losing her memories again. Of course she would try to preserve her memories again.
“You thought I would pity you? You think I am not terrified of losing you? You think I don’t have nightmares about looking into your eyes and finding apathy in them? Do you pity me for my fears Hae-in?” He spits out question after question. His breath is heaving by the time he is done.
She sits there staring up at him a little wide eyed. Some days she still forgets that his soul is tethered to hers. She still needs a reminder that she is the reason behind his will to breathe.
He folds to his knees in front of her and captures her hands in his. His voice is soft when he speaks again, “You lost your memories. You were thrust into this life without a single clue to guide you. You were deliberately misled in the wrong direction by your enemies.”
He sees her clench her jaw in anger at the memories. He continues, “I was dragged away from you. I had to break my promise. And yet you found me. You saved me. We are here and we are together and we are happy. This was fate Hae-in. Trust fate. Trust yourself a little and trust me a little. Let go of your fears. If you made out before, why do you think you wouldn’t the next time?”
She bends down and kisses him. Soft, with the kind of softness that is found in moments when melancholy and hope meet. She let it all go. For now, she is too tired to feel afraid. For now, her hands are warm in Hyun-woo’s. She’d rather let the future take its course however it might. She hopes her hands are never cold again.
The next morning there is a box beside her bed. Hyun-woo is still asleep next to her, so she is quiet as she opens the box. There are two sets of Polaroid cameras, two small digital notebooks and two voice recording pens. A note stuck on top of the box says, “May I join you?”
She opens the notebook to find the words “Hae-in’s guide back to Hong Hae-in: For moments when you want to retrace the paths we have traveled”
There is a tiny map drawn at the end of the note. One destination marked “Baek Hyun-woo” is connected to the other “Hong Hae-in”. It makes her heart feel lighter somehow. She lets out a tearful chuckle as she feels Hyun-woo’s arms engulf her from behind. She nods and buries her head in his shoulder. How could she have felt embarrassed to reveal her fears to the man who feels her pain as deeper than his own?