Chapter Text
"You're still here."
Hailey looks up, an easy smile coming over her face as Jo steps into the bullpen from the hallway leading to the locker room.
"Still here," Hailey says, gesturing to a mess of files on her desk. "Paperwork won't get done by itself."
Jo leans against the edge of Hailey’s desk and tilts her head. "No, but after the last few days, I don't think anyone would mind if you called it an early night."
"And what are you still doing here then?"
"I was about to leave, saw you. You doing okay?"
Hailey shrugs. "I'm — "
"You're not fine, Hailey."
She sighs and drops her pen down to her desk as she leans back in her chair. She waves a hand towards Jo, smiling up at her again, but it is tight-lipped now. Unsure, uneasy.
"What would you like me to do?"
"You asked me that once already. I still have no idea, and considering I can barely take care of myself, I'm not so sure I'm the right person to ask either."
Jo stands to her feet only to step past Hailey and plop down in Ruzek's chair behind her. Hailey spins around to face her, and she stares back for a beat before tipping her chin towards her.
"Who would you call?"
Hailey's eyebrows knit together. "What?"
"If it had been you that was taken instead of Voight, and you could only make one phone call, who would it be? Someone you love, keeps you grounded, might make it all a little less terrifying in those last moments. Who would you call?"
Hailey already has the answer in her head. It was a question she had plagued over, wondering who she could have reached out to had it been her, and the hint of a smile ghosts her lips at the image of his face in her mind. But as quickly as the small smile comes, it vanishes in a flash. She shrugs again.
"I don't know. Like you, I don't really have anyone either. I probably would have called Trudy, or Voight. Maybe even you."
Jo scoffs, shaking her head. "Don't lie to me. Who were you thinking about just now? It was all over your face."
"Stop profiling me," Hailey says, her voice deep and raspy with emotion she can't hide.
"Answer the question."
Hailey's jaw tightens, and she breathes in deeply through her nose as she looks at Jo, but she stares back at her with the same hard and unblinking gaze. She is stubborn like Hailey, strong-willed, and she thinks it might be what makes their dynamic of friendship and partnership work so well in an odd sort of way.
"Jay," Hailey says with a shaky breath. She swallows hard, a moment passing. She sighs again. "I-I was thinking about Jay. My husband — my ex-husband."
Jo nods slowly. "How long has it been since you said his name out loud?"
"A while."
"And how long since you last spoke with him?"
"Longer."
Hailey swallows noticeably again, her arms falling from her chest and her gaze finding more interest in her sleeve as she fingers at a fraying edge.
"What is it?" Jo asks quietly.
Hailey looks up again, blowing out another heavy breath, hating how she reads her so easily as if she can see right through her.
"He's been texting me the last few weeks, but I haven't been able to respond."
"Because of the case?"
Hailey snorts. "Sure. Because of the case."
"What has he said?"
"Started off with hey. He was so casual about it too, as if we haven't spoken in months and it was just some normal day between us like it used to be. And then he started asking how I was doing, if I was okay. Yesterday he said he missed me."
"Yesterday, huh?"
Hailey nods.
"Is that why you snapped at me and Kim at Med?"
A look of guilt flashes in her eyes immediately, and that and her silence are answer enough.
Jo nods, keeping a softness on her face and her eyes on Hailey. "Why haven't you responded to him?"
"What's the point?"
Jo tilts her head, raising her eyebrows at her in a silent challenge, and Hailey blows out a breath, crossing her arms over her chest again.
"He left me, Jo. Our marriage became one-sided, our entire relationship did. And if I'm being honest, it was like that before he even left in the first place. He would say he was fine, that he was all good. I knew he wasn't, but he wouldn't talk to me. I held on for as long as I could after he was gone, but he just stopped trying."
"Sounds like he was a runner in his own way, too. Just like you," Jo says, then nods toward her. "Do you still love him?"
Hailey smiles, and it's in a way that is both happy and sad, and painfully honest.
"I do. I always will. I'll love him for the rest of my life, but I couldn't do it anymore."
Jo sits there with her eyes still on Hailey who becomes immersed with her sleeve again. She knows too well what broken looks like from seeing it in the mirror, knows exactly what it feels like to have that ache sink deep down so much so that it hurts to breathe. Her heart aches for her.
"You keep asking me what you should do when the question you need to be asking yourself is what do you want to do?" Jo says, and it has Hailey looking up to meet her eyes. "What do you need that will make you feel whole again? Because from where I'm sitting, I think what you just might need is a fresh start. Something new, somewhere else."
Hailey's eyes widen, her brows lifting. "Leave Chicago?"
"What's keeping you here?" Jo asks, blowing out a breath beneath a kind smile.
Hailey opens her mouth only to close it right back up. She doesn't have an answer for that one. There is no answer. There is not one thing, one person or even the job itself that is holding her back and keeping her in Illinois. Not anymore.
Maybe Jo was right. Maybe she did need a fresh start. Maybe it was time for her to go.
Hailey gives her another tight-lipped grin, shrugging a shoulder in indifference.
Jo nods slowly and stands to her feet. She rolls Ruzek's chair back around to face his desk and turns to look at Hailey again. She smiles, sad almost, as if she knows the conclusion Hailey is about to come to for herself.
"Don't stay too late," Jo says quietly.
Hailey nods, staring after her as she heads for the hallway that leads to the back stairwell and disappears around the corner. She stares at the doorway long after Jo is gone, her words cementing themselves in Hailey's mind as the pile of paperwork is long forgotten.
She blows out a deep breath. How the hell did she get here?
She has no idea. She had reached a point of unfathomable recognition of what she wanted and who she is, and the kind of person she wanted to be moving forward.
She had spent years of her life cowering under a man who abused her, wanting to be bigger than him, wanting to prove to him and herself that he didn't have a hold on her, that he didn't break her. Only for her to end up working under a man who did the same, worse in some ways, and who is too much like the man she called her father.
She had become tainted by Voight and his ways, nearly let herself fall over the edge for him again, but there was Petrovic. A woman she barely knew, owed her nothing, had pulled her back and helped her stand upright again.
Jo had said Voight was her family, him and Intelligence, and in some ways they were, or they used to be. But now this family was destroying her in nearly the same ways her own had while she was growing up, and she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't take it. She had nothing left for this team or this city, even herself.
She had spent the last year running; on the pavement, from her problems, from a broken heart she had no idea how to put back together, and she had finally hit a wall.
Petrovic was right again; nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hailey lets out another sigh and turns in her chair, ready to get through her paperwork. She reaches for her pen but drops it down again with another shaky breath. She glances over at her phone sitting screen-side down next to her keyboard and picks it up. She taps away into her messages to the thread she never replied to, her thumbs hovering over the screen as she works out what to say.
What could she say?
Jo's words echo in her ear as if she's sitting right beside her and speaking them aloud again.
What does she want to say?
Nothing. Everything. Too many things. She settles for easy instead. At least it's something.
As soon as she sets her phone down, it buzzes with a new message, and she's more than surprised when she sees it's another from Jay already.
She glances at the time in the top corner of the screen and her eyebrows scrunch together as she recalls the time zone of Bolivia. It is something that will forever be ingrained in her memory, so she figures he must not be on assignment, or maybe he's having trouble sleeping like her.
She sends off her reply, and waits, her phone buzzing again quickly, and she types away again.
She didn't see that coming and has a momentary thought of what could have happened that made it so he's no longer there. Did he get hurt? Did he lose his head? Is he okay? Another message comes through as she gets lost in the scenarios playing out in her mind, and she freezes as she reads over his question.
Can she? Yes. Does she want to? Surprisingly, also yes.
She swallows, shoots off her answer, and less than ten seconds later, her phone is buzzing with an incoming call and his face is lighting up her screen; she never did delete his contact photo. Her heart races and her chest heaves with every quick breath she takes, but she accepts the call nonetheless, and lifts the phone to her ear.
"H-hello?"
"Hi," Jay says, his voice full of happy surprise. She can practically hear his smile through the phone.
"Hi," Hailey says quietly.
"It's good to hear your voice."
Her heart seizes, not expecting to be thrown so deeply into it so quickly. She swallows.
"Mhmm," she mumbles. "So, if you're not in Bolivia, where are you?"
"I'm in California," Jay says.
"What?"
"La Jolla to be exact. It's near San Diego. I — " He blows out a shaky breath, and she can only wonder what the next words out of his mouth will be, wonders how much they might hurt. "I couldn't go back to Chicago. I couldn't see you. Not after I signed those papers."
His words do hurt, more than she expected, stinging too harshly as if he's just poured salt over the gaping hole in her chest.
"Why San Diego?" She manages to ask.
"I reached out to Will when I was wrapping things up in Bolivia and he told me he made his way to Seattle. I went to visit him when I got out and stayed with him for a bit…I was surprised to see he was with Natalie again." He lets out a chuckle, then sighs. "I tried it out, but it's not really for me. It rains a lot up there. I was missing the sunshine."
"Same question. Why San Diego?"
"A buddy of mine from my unit in Bolivia is from here. He talked about it all the time, told me to visit, so I figured why not? Haven't looked back."
"How long have you been there?"
"A few months," he says, and then, "Can I ask you something?"
She wants to say no, but the pieces of her heart (all of them) that still beat for him don't let her.
"Sure," Hailey says.
"You sound awful. Is everything alright? I mean, you don't respond to my messages — and that's fine, I don't blame you for that — but then you text me out of the blue, late at night. Are you okay?"
She could lie, blame her sullen attitude and weariness on him and the fact that this is the first real conversation they've had in nearly a year. But then Jo is in her ear again like a champion in her corner, nudging her along, telling her she needs this even if it scares the hell out of her.
She settles on honest instead.
"No, I'm not," Hailey says. She breathes in deeply, blows it out loudly. "But you're the one who texted me out of the blue. Why? Is it a guilty conscience or just curiosity? What?"
"It's like I told you yesterday…I missed you," he says quickly, easily. "I still miss you."
"You miss me, but you signed the divorce papers," Hailey says, nodding to herself.
It is hardly a question but accusing all the same, and it has her heart nearly ready to explode inside her chest. She needs answers, an explanation, something that will make it all hurt a little less. She's not sure he can give that to her though, not anymore, and then he starts speaking again.
"I shouldn't have," Jay says. His voice is quiet, but there is a determination behind his words as he lays it all out there. "I shouldn't have signed those damn papers. I should've called you the second I got them in the mail. I should've gotten on a plane to Chicago. I should've done so many things, and I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm so sorry. I — "
"I can't do this again, Jay." It is a whispered admission with no ill-intention about it. It is just the truth. She sighs again, shaking her head now as if he can see her. "I can't talk to you and let you in, and I can't — " I can't love you. " — I can't have you in my life again if you're just gonna shut me out like before. This last year…I just can't do it again."
"I know...I know," he breathes out.
"Then why now?" It's the only question left she can think to ask, maybe even the most important. So much time has passed, too much, but she deserves answers. Some kind of truth.
"I've made a lot of mistakes, Hailey," Jay says, and the soft way in which he says her name makes her close her eyes. Makes her remember hundreds of nights spent lying beside him or on top of him in their bed, and days sat together on the job. Years of them flicker behind her eyelids, and when she opens her eyes again, she's not all that surprised to feel the sting of tears in them.
"I've made bad decisions and tough calls," he goes on. "But the only regret I have in my life is you…hurting you and not loving you the way you deserve. Losing you and not fighting for us, not letting you in the way I should have, leaving you in the first place and breaking the first promise I ever made to you. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could do it differently. I wish…so many things."
"So, I'm supposed to let you into my life again because you're just now realizing you fucked up," she says, scoffing through the phone with an air of laughter that is anything but amused.
"No," he says. "I want you to know how sorry I am, that I mean it, and if I could do it all over again — "
"But you can't. You made your decisions. You did what you did, and it's over now. It is what it is, Jay."
"But is it really over? Between us, I mean."
"We're divorced," she says, as if either of them needs the reminder.
"That doesn't mean anything."
Hailey opens her mouth, ready to fire off at him, but then he surprises her.
"Come to San Diego."
"What?"
"I like to think I still know you well enough that you've probably got a stockpile of banked time. Come out here for a couple weeks and just…be with me. We can talk and hang out like we used to, and I'll show you around. Take you to the beach. I think you'd like it here."
She sucks in a breath, and before she realizes the weight of the thought trickling through her head, the words come out before she can stop them. "What if it was longer than a couple weeks?"
"What do you mean? Just how much time do you got over there?"
"I've been wondering if maybe I need to get out of Chicago, too. Like you did."
"Hailey — " Her name is so soft leaving his lips, but there is fear in the way he says it. She can hear it in his voice. "What happened?"
"The usual." She knows he knows exactly what she means by the sharp inhale he takes and then blows out from his end of the line.
"So, you're really not okay," Jay says quietly.
"No, I'm not," she whispers.
"Come to San Diego," he says again. "Please?"
Hailey is eager, but she is a professional. She won't abandon the rest of the team, so she waits two weeks until Voight is released from the hospital, until he's back on the job and back behind his desk like nothing happened.
He doesn't seem all that surprised when she steps into his office early one morning with a determined look on her face, but then she pulls her badge from her hip and sets it on his desk. He glances between her eyes and the star in front of him, his eyebrows furrowed, unable to mask the confusion that comes over his face.
"Hailey?" Voight questions behind a gruff voice.
"I can't do it anymore," is all she gives him.
He seems to understand though, knows better than anyone how this job can suck the life out of a person. He's no stranger to loss. He stares up at her with a sadness in his eyes, guilty even, knowing he's losing another person because of him and his choices and it is an ugly, painful truth he'll need to live with.
Hailey says nothing else, just nods, gives him a tight smile, and then she backs away and walks out of his office.
The bullpen is empty, but she had already said her goodbyes to the rest of the team and Platt the night before; they knew before she set foot in Voight's office. She'll miss them, told them as much and that she'd keep in touch, but she wonders if it is an intention she'll really keep once she's gone and they're all out of sight, out of mind.
Hailey packs up what little stuff she still has in her desk and her locker, and then she's walking out of the 21st District for the last time.
She has a flight to catch.
Today feels as if it has been a long time coming. Overdue and necessary, but scary all the same because she is really leaving Chicago. The city she has called home for her entire life had become a wasteland of bad memories and bad decisions, just bad, bad, bad, and she needs to get out. Get away as far as she can while she can before she loses any more of herself than she has already.
She had packed up what she could to get her started, thrown things into a carry-on and a backpack, and left her furniture behind. She didn't need it. Everything else she owned would sit in storage for a while until she figured out the rest of her plan. Packing her bags and buying a one-way ticket was enough of a start.
A long and loud honk makes her jump, and she looks up, spotting the cab she'd called for parked on the street with its hazard lights flashing.
She stands from the bottom step of her apartment building and slings her backpack over her shoulder, grabs her rolling suitcase at her feet and makes her way to the trunk. It pops open and the driver gets out, but she waves him off with a polite smile as she throws the case into the back. She slams the trunk closed and gets into the backseat, dropping her backpack onto the seat beside her.
"Where to?" The driver calls back to her.
"O'Hare," Hailey says with a tight-lipped smile.
He nods and starts driving. "Where ya headed?"
"California."
"Ever been?"
"Nope," she says.
The driver nods again, his gaze lingering on her through the rearview for a moment before he looks back out to the road. He takes her one-word answers for the hints that they are and lets her be.
Hailey stares out the window, eyes flitting along the streets and buildings and places she will probably never see again. She doesn't plan on coming back anytime soon.
Her phone buzzes and she looks down at it in her hand, her heart already racing because she knows who it is, and then it nearly stops altogether as she reads over the text staring back at her.
She swallows, and quickly shoots off a reply.
Her phone buzzes again within seconds.
It was messed up how she almost wanted him to say he did change his mind. That he wanted to take it all back, didn't want her. It would have been easier to grapple with than the fact that in mere hours she would be face-to-face with him again. A man who she was still so madly in love with despite the overwhelming hurt and despair he had caused her.
She had lost count of how many times she thought about it over the last two weeks, whether it was a good idea and if she was making a mistake. Ransacked her mind over and over with the possibilities and every scenario of how it could all go wrong again, but every single time she nearly talked herself out of it, her heart wouldn't let her.
Her heart was something that he still had, and probably always would even if it was in pieces because of him. But maybe…maybe he could put the pieces back together again.
She was about to find out.
The drive to O'Hare is easy. Going through security is easy. Getting on the plane is easy. It's when the flight is nearly over, and the plane makes its descent into San Diego that every part of Hailey's mind is screaming at her with vitriol.
You're an idiot!
What are you thinking?
He's just gonna hurt you again.
It's not worth it.
He's not worth it.
She ignores the callous words her mind spits at her and steps off the plane, her heart dropping to her stomach as she makes her way through the terminal. When she steps outside, the sun hits her in the face and she takes a deep breath. The air is warm, but there is a gentle breeze that whips around her that smells of saltwater. She can taste the ocean on her tongue.
It is already so much different than Chicago in the early throes of summer, but she soon remembers that different is why her feet are on the West Coast in the first place.
She needed different, needed a change, needed a city where every corner of it didn't claw at her with memories she'd like to forget. It is a mantra she tells herself over and over as she stands on the curb and closes her eyes and basks in the sunlight.
She opens them again after a moment and takes a deep breath before hailing down a cab. She gives the driver her destination, and then she's on her way again.
The cab has barely left the airport when her phone buzzes. She looks at the screen expecting to see a message from Jay, but it's Jo instead. She smiles as she shoots off a reply.
Maybe there was one person she would keep in touch with after all.
Hailey puts her phone down and looks to the window. She rolls it down, letting in the fresh air of a city she's not yet accustomed to, and stares out at the new buildings and new faces, taking it all in for the first time. San Diego is beautiful and lively and an odd sense of calm rushes over her the moment the Pacific Ocean comes into view. It is breathtaking, the pictures she'd looked up online hardly doing it justice.
The cab driver takes them through an intersection, passing a sign that reads Welcome to La Jolla, California, and despite the nerves that gnaw away at her relentlessly, Hailey smiles to herself. She made it.
The cab soon comes to a stop on Neptune Place, an overlook of Windansea beach to the right, and before the driver can take the left, Hailey asks him to let her out there. She pays her fare before climbing out, slings her backpack over her shoulders and grabs her suitcase from the trunk, and then she's on her own.
She glances behind her, clocks the street sign that reads Playa Del Norte that will lead her to Jay, but she turns back and looks out at the ocean. She takes a deep breath as she stares out at the water. Maybe a few more minutes on her own wouldn't be so bad.
She picks up her carry-on and steps through the walkway of an open fence and makes her way down a set of stairs until her feet hit the sand. She walks a bit, trudging along with her carry-on and huffing out a breath. She'll have to get used to the sand squishing between her toes and getting stuck in her sandals.
She finds a spot in front of some rocks and sets her case down, her backpack too, and then drops down onto the sand. She stares out at the water, breathes in the salty air, and smiles to herself as the warm sunlight washes over her.
She sits there for a while by herself, taking it all in and watching the rough surf that hits the rocky shoreline. She can't remember the last time she felt so at peace like this, like breathing is no longer something that feels forced. It's just easy now.
Jo was right, again; she did need somewhere new.
She doesn't think about how long she's been sitting there until the sky breaks and the sun starts to set, and she looks around. There are only a few people left on the beach, and surfers are starting to come back in. She reaches into her backpack and pulls out her phone, sends off a text to let Jay know where she is, and stuffs it away again.
She pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and looks back out to the water. She figures she won't be alone for much longer, so she takes in the quiet solace while she can.
It's like a magnetic pull the moment Jay's feet hit the sand. Hailey doesn't look towards him but can still sense his presence as easily as she ever could, and spots him out of her peripheral as he approaches her from the right. He plops down beside her, but she keeps her gaze straight ahead, mesmerized by the water and the sinking sun displayed before them.
"You were right. I do like it here," Hailey says, her eyes lingering on the view before she finally turns her head to look at him.
The first thing she sees is him smiling at her. It is soft and warm like the sun, and she gives him a small, shy smile in return.
"Hi," she breathes out.
"Hi," he says, mirroring her with his legs pulled up and his arms hanging over his knees. "How was the flight?"
"It was alright. Just another flight."
He can't help staring at her, taking her in for the first time in almost a year and a half, and it has his heart hammering in his chest. She looks almost the same, but her hair is a little longer and a deep look of exhaustion is evident on her face.
"When's the last time you slept?"
"Caught a couple hours on the plane," she says.
"And before that?"
Her cheeks puff with a breath that she blows out loudly. "Tuesday? Wednesday?"
"It's Friday," he says.
She shrugs, and he lets it go as she meets his eyes again. "You said you've been here a few months?"
"Yeah," Jay says.
"And you like it out here?"
"Yeah, I do," he says, nodding at her. "Life is a lot different here. Slower, more relaxed. It's nothing like Chicago…or the force, or the army. Not like any of it."
He keeps his eyes on her even as she pulls hers from his and looks ahead again. She nods slowly, her throat constricting too tightly, and he wonders what is going through her mind until she voices it aloud.
"You like it enough to stay?"
He's not an idiot — not in this instance at least — and can hear the question she doesn't ask. He can't say he blames her for wanting to know his intentions; his plan, where his head is at with her, with them being in the same city again, if they will ever even be them again at all.
Moments pass in a lingering silence and he looks to the sand. He knows he needs to choose his words carefully, knows any sentence that falls from his lips with any mention of a promise will fall on deaf ears. His actions will have a heavier weight than any words he could ever say to her, especially now, but he needs to tell her something, something that will hopefully make her believe he's in this with her as long as she'll have him.
He lifts his gaze from the sand and looks back at her to find her staring at him now, waiting.
"I'm staying," Jay says with a tone of finality and an unblinking gaze.
Hailey nods slowly again and turns her head to look back out at the sun setting down over the Pacific. He can't tell if she believes him, and he won't ask. He doesn't exactly have the right to know every thought or feeling she carries anymore, and it's then he realizes he doesn't know this woman sitting beside him at all. Not really. She seems indifferent now in a way he's never seen her. Those walls he was able to knock down have been built up again, higher than when he first knew her.
He is certain it will be the toughest feat of his life to knock them down again, if she even lets him try at all. He figures — hopes — she might. She did get on the plane. And now she sits beside him, close enough he just needs to reach out a hand to touch her, and goddamn if he doesn't want to touch her. It's been a year and a half since he last held her in his arms, felt her lips under his, knew the warmth of her love. He wants that back.
But as much as he wants to reach out to her, he doesn't. He knows better. Knows all of this, whatever it could be again needs to be on her terms, at her pace, and though he doesn't bother her with any words of promise, he makes one to himself anyway. To get her back, to earn her trust again, to love her hard and cherish her every day she'll let him until his last breath.
"Stop staring at me," Hailey says with a huff, turning her head to look at him again.
Jay shakes his head, a smile stretching out slowly over his face. "That's not gonna happen. I haven't laid eyes on you in too long. Your hair is longer."
"I've been thinking of cutting it. Just chop it all off."
"New city, new you?"
She hums, shrugging a shoulder at him. "Something like that."
"You find a place yet?"
Hailey shakes her head. "Thought I'd get a hotel or find an Airbnb for a little while until I figure it all out. I did kinda come out here on a whim, ya know?"
"I'm glad you did. And if you want, you can crash with me until you find something," Jay says, his words quiet and his eyes on the horizon again.
"You really think that's a good idea?"
"Probably not," he says with a breath of laughter. "But it's better than spending money you don't need to be spending. Especially out here. It's a lot more expensive than Chicago."
"Do you have space?"
It's a question that seems to take them both by surprise though he can hear the hesitancy in her voice. It's not like it's a bad offer, having a free place to stay in a new city, but the two of them in a confined space isn't exactly ideal. Not right now anyway, maybe not ever.
He figures he'll let her decide that, too.
"Got a guest house. It's not much…just a bed and a bathroom and a small kitchen, but it's yours as long as you want it," he says.
Hailey nods back at him, slower than before, and he can practically see the wheels spinning out in her head until she takes him by surprise again.
"Just until I find something else," she says after another moment.
He nods back at her, then hooks a thumb over his shoulder. "It's just up the hill. We can walk from here."
"So, you're a beach bum now?"
He smiles at the quip, his heart aching because she is teasing him again already and it feels so fucking normal. He gestures a hand in front of them, nodding to the water.
"You can't say it's not a nice view."
"You're right about that," Hailey says, looking out at the water again.
The sun is nearly down, a blast of orange and pink and blue lighting up the cloudless sky. It makes her think of Chicago and the sunsets over Lake Michigan, and then it makes her think of all the times she shared those views with him.
She blows out a breath, then swallows hard, and if Jay notices her change in demeanor beside him, he doesn't let on.
"You wanna talk about it?"
She looks back at him, raising an eyebrow. "Gonna need to be a bit more specific. There's a whole lot we need to talk about at some point."
"Something relatively easy then," he says.
"Like?"
"What made you decide to come out here?"
"You did ask me to," she says.
"I know, but I'm still surprised you actually did. I — it's really good to see you, Hailey," he says, letting out a breath with another soft smile for her.
Hailey nods, swallowing noticeably again as she looks at him, really looks at him now, taking him in for the first time since he sat down beside her.
He looks like her Jay, the one she used to know better than she knows herself. A man with soft eyes and a sweet smile that always seemed reserved only for her. A man who cares deeply about others, who went above and beyond for anyone, but especially her. A man who would wake before their alarm and turn it off so he could rouse her from her sleep with slow kisses instead. A man whose arms were the safest place she has ever known.
He sits beside her with bright eyes and a stubbled jawline, and a relaxed face that tells her he's doing well, better than when he left her.
"It's good to see you, too," Hailey admits quietly. "You look good. You're doing well?"
"I am. Been going to therapy."
"Really?" She can't even try to hide her surprise.
He nods. "I know. Shocking, right?"
"Yeah," she breathes out. "What made you do that?"
"Truth?"
"Please," she says.
"You," he says simply.
She inhales a shaky breath through half-parted lips, her head falling to one side as she stares back at him, a burning question on the tip of her tongue.
His eyes are on hers as he says, "I knew if I ever wanted you in my life again, I had to get my head right. I sucked up what little pride I had left and found a therapist."
Hailey nods, swallowing down the lump that builds at the back of her throat of all the things she should say and all the things she shouldn't.
"I should probably do that at some point, too," she says instead.
"Probably," Jay says, then tilts his head, seeming nervous now. "Maybe it's something we could even do together one day."
"Go to therapy together?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Wow," she says, blowing out a breath. "It really must be working for you if you're suggesting couple's therapy."
He smiles, hope bursting inside him.
"That place of yours near anywhere to eat?"
"Yeah," Jay says, running his hands over his knees. "Got some killer food around here. Tacos, seafood — "
"Pizza?"
"It's not deep dish," he says with a laugh. "At least, not good deep dish, but yeah, there's pizza. You wanna head up?"
She looks at him, staring for a moment, her nerves starting to get the best of her again, but she nods.
He stands to his feet and holds out a hand to her that she stares at for a few too many seconds until she finally gives him one of hers. He helps her up from the sand and grabs her suitcase without question while she dusts herself off. When she looks back to him and sees her carry-on in his hand, she gives him a short nod and small smile of thanks.
He leads her up the beach, up the same stairs she came down earlier, and they cross the street. They walk in silence side-by-side, following the curve of the road until a pale blue house comes into view.
Hailey clocks the number set into the front of a garage next to a white gate and realizes they've arrived at his place. She stares up at the house, the main story nestled over the garage with a flight of stairs leading up to it and a Jeep Wrangler parked out front. It looks like a nice place, seems cozy, and she doesn't hate that the beach is just a quick walk down the hill.
She follows Jay through the gate and up the stairs where they come to a patio, and he nods to the left. She follows, and they pass the front door of the main house to go down a walkway and he points to the right where a set of double doors are closed.
"Washer and dryer when you need them," Jay says.
Hailey nods and they keep walking. He leads her to the back of the house where another smaller building comes into view with tall palm trees looming over the yard. It is the same pale blue color of the main house with a small deck laid out in front of a pair of French doors that lead inside.
Jay pulls one of the doors open and gestures for her to go ahead. She steps inside, taking in the space that she'll call home for a short while, and sets her backpack down at the foot of a bed nestled against one wall.
"Obviously this is the bedroom slash living area," Jay says, following behind her and setting her suitcase down on the floor next to the bed.
An oversized reading chair sits in a corner by the doors, and a television hangs from one wall opposite the bed, built-in shelves on either side of it.
"Bathroom is through there," he goes on, pointing to an open doorway at the back where she can see outdated red tile. He points to the right then. "And around that corner is the kitchen. It's small, but the usual appliances are back there. It'll do what you need it to do."
Hailey nods, blowing out a breath as she offers him a tight smile.
"I'm sure it'll be fine. It is just me, and I don't plan on being here too long," she says, needing to remind him, and maybe herself too, that she won't be staying. Not with him, not so close. This arrangement, while a sweet gesture on his part, is only temporary.
"Right," Jay says quietly, turning to walk out of the guest house.
"Can I ask you something?"
He whips back around to face her, and nods.
"Not to sound like an ass, but how exactly can you afford this place?" Hailey asks, her mouth curving, almost smiling again. "I'm sure a beach bum's salary doesn't quite cut it. Not for this neck of the woods."
Jay snorts, shaking his head. "No, it doesn't. That buddy of mine I told you about? The one from San Diego?"
Hailey nods.
"It's his, used to be his parents', but they left it to him. It's completely paid for, but he reenlisted for another two years. Said I could stay as long as I want if I take care of the place while he's gone."
"And the Wrangler parked out front?"
"Also his, but mine temporarily," Jay says.
She hums, nodding once more. She clasps her hands together in front of her, her eyes drifting between his face and the floor.
"Well, uh," Jay starts, clearing his throat. "I'll let you get settled. Just come on up to the house whenever you're ready and we'll head out. Pizza is a few blocks over."
He turns again and steps away. As excited as he is to have her there and in his life again, he knows better than to crowd her. He casts one last glance at her over his shoulder before he slips out through the French doors.
Hailey watches him through the open blinds as he steps down the patio and up the two steps that will take him to the front of the house. She stares for another moment, and then rushes after him before her head catches up with her heart, and steps outside.
"Jay?"
He stops just as he starts up the steps and turns to look back at her, concern already etched across his face as she makes her way towards him. He wonders if she's changed her mind. If it's all too much, too soon. If she's about to be the one to walk away. He meets her halfway until they're standing in front of one another, and tilts his head, waiting for her to say whatever it is that is on her mind.
Her eyes flicker between his and the ground again, shoulders rising and falling with every ragged breath she takes until she takes the last step between them and throws her arms around his waist, nearly knocking him over, but he catches himself.
He has enough sense about him to lift his arms around her shoulders and hug her back, but he can't say he isn't surprised. He never thought he'd be able to hold her like this, have her in his arms again, and he basks in it. He keeps an arm around her and lifts his other hand to the back of her neck, his thumb brushing over warm skin that he was sure he'd never touch again.
Hailey clutches the back of his t-shirt with tight fists and presses her face into his chest, clinging to him in their first embrace in what feels like a lifetime.
"I missed you too," she mutters.
He squeezes her tightly, his chin falling over top of her head. He doesn't let her go, and he won't until she pulls away first.
When she eventually does, and she looks up at him, there are tears in her eyes that he wants so badly to wipe away when they start to make their way down her cheeks. He won't push her and gives her a smile instead. That soft, warm, reserved only for her smile that has her blowing out an easy breath between them and grinning up at him with a dimple in her cheek.
Neither of them can be sure of what will come of this, but being together again and not thousands of miles apart feels like a damn good place to start. It might take time to figure it all out, to fix what has been broken, to trust again, but the love between them is still so very much there.
It will take time, but it will be worth it.
In three days, he will make her laugh — loud and happy the way he used to — and it'll start to ease the heaviness in her chest.
In four days, when the itch becomes too much and she needs to do something, she will start running again, pounding her feet into the sand along the miles of beach laid out down the road.
In seven days, she'll invite him to join her, and he will. It will become their new thing that works.
In eight days, she will let herself cry in front of him as they air out all their dirty laundry for the other, hashing out their mistakes and all the things they should've said, but didn't. He'll cry with her.
In ten days, he will break down in front of her from the guilt he still struggles with over leaving her and not returning. She'll cry again, too.
In two weeks, they will argue and walk away to go to bed angry. They will make a rule the next day, a vow to never let it happen again, that the only way this will work between them this time around is if they are in it completely, if they're open and honest and communicate with one another.
In three weeks, she'll kiss him. Just a quick peck of her lips against his that he doesn't see coming, but the smile he'll give her when she pulls away will be bright enough to light up the whole town.
In one month, he'll reach for her hand while they're walking back up the hill from dinner, and she'll let him take it.
In six weeks, they'll be sat on his couch watching a movie, and he'll hold out his arm in silent invitation. She'll go to him and rest her head on his shoulder, and he'll wrap his arm around her and pull her in close.
In two months, he'll kiss her just because while she's mid-sentence. She'll kiss him back.
In nine weeks, she'll say I love you, and he'll say it back, and they'll spend the night together making up for all the time they've lost.
In three months, she'll leave the guest house and move in with him, melding their lives together once again.
In one year, he'll bring her to the beach where he first laid eyes on her again. The sun will be setting, and he'll get down on one knee, and it'll be the easiest yes she has ever said.
It will take time, a lot of time and a lot of work, and some days will be easy while others will not, but somehow, they’ll make it. They'll be solid again. Stronger, better than they've ever been. There will be no more secrets between them, no grievances left to air out.
She will trust him unconditionally and he will let her in wholeheartedly. They will be them again in new and familiar ways with a partnership that flourishes, rebuilt from the shaky ground they once had to tip-toe on.
It will take time, but it will be worth it.
They are worth it.