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Looking in the mirror had always given Chuuya a fantastic insight into his physical and mental condition. A reality check so to speak, since no matter what he might pretend to be, the mirror didn’t lie. Whenever he saw his reflection, he couldn’t pretend to be blind to the change, to the differences in his image. He had to accept them.
When he was 15 years old, he rarely looked in the mirror, too scared and upset about the face looking back at him. Not because of low self-esteem or a warped body image, but mainly because of the truth staring back at him. A truth he simply hadn’t been able to take at that point.
Back then, he had taken on the role of a leader, playing it fearlessly. Still, it wasn’t who he was, who he wanted to be, nothing but a facade he had built up as it’d been necessary. Chuuya wanted to help the other kids and through them tried to help himself get better situated in a cruel world that treated them like outlaws.
He’d been forced to be a strong role model the others could look up to, someone who was in control and had a clear vision of everything. Someone able to see the big picture.
But even if it came in handy, since self-confidence and self-esteem can be learned, the moment he’d looked into the mirror he had known it to be nothing but a lie.
Chuuya led a small underground organization run by orphans with no other choice in life, nowhere to go back to and no other way to turn. And most importantly: He had been nothing but a child himself.
A kid afraid to mess up, scared of all the consequences if he fucked up just once. So many lives were at stake and they all believed in him to make the right calls.
Looking in the mirror revealed all of that fear, the dread of the next day and the self-hatred for choosing this way. When alone with himself, he could let the mask fall, and show his true colors which were dull and washed out even at his young age.
He’d been tired. Scared. Worried. Overworked.
Even worse, Chuuya knew that if he actually let these things get to him, they’d be the end of him. So he stopped looking, stopped letting the truth get out, and instead lied to everyone. Including himself.
And Chuuya Nakahara was a terrible liar.
No wonder, Dazai had seen through his fake attitude the moment they met. He’d always been able to read Chuuya like he was an open book, able to tell when he was lying, be it to himself or others.
While that might seem bad, it was one of the best things that could have happened to him. Meeting Dazai. Chuuya might have regretted it for some time but he couldn’t have been luckier that he did meet him.
Although Chuuya told his partner time and time again that he was stupid, annoying, an idiot, a waste of bandages and much worse stuff, all of those things were merely an attempt to keep Dazai’s ego in check.
Before meeting Dazai, the eyes in the mirror staring back at him had been filled with fear, worry and pain; their gaze dull.
With Dazai in his life, they had changed dramatically. Now his reflection carried hope, a little bit of that remaining worry but also trust . Something he’d been lacking.
The trust he felt for Dazai was so dramatically life-changing that even at this point, he couldn’t believe that he got lucky enough to have someone he could trust blindly. Be it in a fight or in any other situation, Chuuya didn’t need to spare a single thought about his own well-being because he knew that Dazai got that covered.
Chuuya could trust Dazai to have his back, and could count on him to help out. Dazai would catch him when he was drifting, protect him when needed and stop him when he was busy destroying the world they lived in before carrying him home in his arms no matter how much either of them would bitch about it after.
It was an unrivaled trust, so utterly deep and true that Chuuya had been sure he would never lose it.
Until he did.
The trust shattered when Dazai decided to leave the mafia without a word of warning, leaving Chuuya behind in that vast ocean filled with sharks. Sharks who had been waiting for them to make a mistake so that they could finally pick Chuuya apart and eat him up alive.
While it had taken Dazai years to break down Chuuya’s walls and get Chuuya to be comfortable with himself again, the decision to leave destroyed all of that growth, all of the improvements Chuuya had made. The walls were back, sturdier than before as the betrayal worked like mortar, keeping all those stones nice and snug together, the plaster setting the wall made from that jealousy he’d felt before.
Suddenly, getting up in the morning didn’t come as easy anymore, the hours of crying, screaming and begging his empty bedroom to give his partner back chipping away at his resolve, his strength, his sanity. No matter how many hours he spent those first months, Dazai hadn’t left a trace and could just as well be dead.
Once again, looking in the mirror turned into a dreaded activity again. Chuuya hated that he looked dead inside. Those once beautiful blue eyes were now empty and lifeless, their gaze dull again.
At some point, he covered all his mirrors and stopped looking at himself since he was sure if he continued to look at the broken man that he resembled, it would only get worse and have him do things he didn’t even want to consider.
Luckily, Chuuya had the opportunity to keep his mind busy. His responsibilities and obligations managed to activate his workaholic mindset which meant that if he drowned himself in his work, he wouldn’t have the time to think about his ex-partner anymore. He could kill, maim and infiltrate and he wouldn’t spare a single thought on Dazai any longer.
At least until he laid awake in his bed where the hurt, desperation and betrayal eating him up alive and stealing his much-needed rest.
When Dazai came back into his life, everything got so much worse for a little while. Just popping up and acting like nothing happened, as if he hadn’t disappeared for years at a time… it was painful.
Only managed to heighten Chuuya’s emotions, letting the anger, frustration and pain grow even more. He felt used, he felt even more betrayed, like he’d been toyed with. Dazai came back and simply started talking to him as if the past years of suffering hadn’t happened.
Not like Chuuya would actually tell him that he did suffer. But knowing that it had been nothing for Dazai, feeling like it didn’t make a difference for him hurt so much, the first weeks, Chuuya didn’t hold back at work, destruction carried with him wherever he went.
Until it came back… Until Dazai made him forget for the first time.
The joy of being with him, hearing him talk and talk like there was no tomorrow had him beat. But it was so much worse when he touched him for the first time outside of one of their stupid fights.
Dazai caught him, pulled him in and pressed him close, letting him feel his heartbeat, smell his scent for the first time in years, giving him the opportunity to just succumb to the sensation, the comfort, the safety. Then it all moved so fast.
The trust came back. Once shattered into a million pieces, Chuuya hadn’t been viewed as salvageable, yet it somehow bounced back enough to strengthen over time. Simply building itself up as they spent more time with one another, more intimate moments.
Sure, they still fought, they still screamed, they still hurt one another, the need to kill that bastard rising every now and then but it was all just the regular front hiding his true intentions. How relieved he was to have Dazai back in his life.
To have him remain right there.
They moved in together, started spending their nights together. The more comfortable they got with one another, the closer they got as a couple as well, almost closer than they had been before. At one point, Chuuya started to believe Dazai when he said he wouldn’t share Chuuya with anyone. Began to believe that Dazai loved him; that he would ever let him go again…
… that he would never leave again.
Staring at the mirror stopped being so painful, the fear a sleeping beast somewhere in the depths of his soul, remaining, resting, waiting for another chance to jump out at him. Waiting for an opportunity to eat him alive like he’d done in the four years of Dazai’s absence.
Now a young adult was staring back at him, someone who tended to be covered in hickeys, hair messy and long, usually unkempt. He would wear a smile on his face, cheeks red and full of life unlike before.
Most importantly though, there was so much going on in his eyes. The love he received from his partner glowing in them in addition to the love he had to share, the joy of finally having what he had waited for all this time. The satisfaction, the safety, the serenity of being. Unapologetically being himself.
Chuuya had waited and fought for the possibility of standing where he was, having grown into someone he once dreamed of being.
As time passed, Chuuya was happy being with Dazai and thought nothing could beat what they had. Nothing could improve the situation, nothing would be able to make them feel closer than they already did.
Well… turned out he was wrong.
“Papa?” A soft voice called out from outside the bathroom, pulling Chuuya out of his thoughts and his memories. The soft smile on his lips only grew when his gaze fell upon a young boy pushing the bathroom door open. The kid's face lit up when his eyes caught sight of the redhead standing in the middle of the space. “Papa!” He exclaimed again, his arms stretching out as he rushed inside, signaling that he wanted to be picked up and held.
No way in hell would he dismiss the boy’s wishes, so Chuuya leaned down, pulling him up onto his arm, pressing a kiss to the plush cheek before he moved to face the mirror again. With his son so close to him, Chuuya simply had to smile wider, grinning at the kid giggling back at him in the mirror.
Those chubby little cheeks, the black curls framing his face and those gorgeous reddish brown eyes staring back at him. There was close to no similarity to the long red hair and blue eyes Chuuya was featuring. His sharp face shape was so different from the round face Shuuji had been blessed with. Dazai’s brown hair and brown eyes might look a little closer to their son's appearance but in the end, anyone who took a look at them would know that Shuuji was not of their blood. Neither Chuuya’s nor Dazai’s.
And if they spared another look, they’d know that it didn’t matter.
Not with how happy Shuuji was.
“Why is Papa just staring at the mirror?” The soft voice chimed up again, pretty deep brown eyes staring at Chuuya’s mirror image, one hand reaching out to wave at his father.
“Just thinking about when Daddy and I were a little younger. About all the naughty things we used to do. Almost as naughty as you tend to be when we’re not looking, stealing all our grapes.” Chuuya's smile softened with his voice, as he pulled his son closer once more. The tip of his nose rubbed into the warm little neck to hear that gorgeous little giggle and shriek as Shuuji tried to defend himself by smacking his hands onto Chuuya’s head.
“Waaah!” The giggles were loud and joyful as the kid tried his best to escape his father’s grasp, not even stopping when he managed to get out. In the end, Shuuji never had to be afraid. Not with his parents around. He was the safest kid of all of them. Nothing bad would ever happen to him again.
Instead of falling to the floor when he slipped past Chuuya’s grip, Shuuji simply hovered in the air, a red glow around him. Laughing, giggling and kicking his feet as he was stuck in the air, upside down, he made grabby hands at Chuuya, nonverbally asking to go again. That was until another person appeared in the doorway.
Since his time as a young King of the Sheep, Chuuya had changed and evolved. Just like Dazai had. Luckily the bastard stopped growing taller at some point, not towering over Chuuya more than he already had. The most noticeable change would be the shorter hair and the missing bandages on his limbs.
Sometimes he fell back into the habit of putting them on, hiding the shameful truth beneath. Other times, Chuuya got to call him pretty without them on, telling Shuuji all the stories the marks on his Daddy’s skin told.
Regular family activities and all.
“What’s going on here?” Dazai scooped Shuuji out of the air with a grin himself, keeping his son upside down. “I thought I told you to go get Mommy and then come back with him?”
“Daddy!” Hearing their son’s happy giggle almost made Chuuya skip over the absolute disrespect Dazai had once more put forward. “I don’t have a Mommy! I have a Papa and a Daddy! You know that!”
“Oh riiiiight…” Dazai let go of one leg, holding Shuuji with one hand only now, which only made their son squeal louder as he slapped his forehead in a facepalm. “How silly of me! I’m so proud of you for knowing who I meant either way.” The grin on Dazai’s face was meant for Chuuya who only had a mild glare for him in return.
“You’re a menace.” Chuuya retorted and moved to grab their dangling child, turning him the right way around again before pushing him into Dazai’s arms properly. “What did you want?”
With Shuuji on his arm now, the boy leaned his head against Dazai’s shoulder who moved closer to Chuuya, wrapping his free arm around the redhead’s waist. The warmth coming from Dazai was immediately comforting and welcoming to Chuuya, as he easily leaned against him no matter the little squabble before.
“Just wanted to ensure you don’t get lost in your head again, Chibi. I know it’s pretty empty in there but I still worry you might get lost either way…”
Shuuji’s giggle almost made up for that stupid stupid nickname.
“I stopped getting lost a long time ago.”
“I know, Chibi…” Again that giggle. “I still worry.”
“You don’t have to do that anymore, Osamu.” Chuuya’s head moved until he could look up at Dazai directly, the man's mirror image not enough to satisfy Chuuya’s eyes. It wasn’t real. Not him.
Dazai’s reply was deadly silent, compared to Shuuji’s gasps and giggles, as he leaned down and kissed Chuuya’s lips ever so gently.
You know I’ll worry about you as long as I love you… forever and always.
I love you too, idiot.