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As their leader, Yeji prides herself in taking care of her members, in knowing what’s wrong and fixing it without them even having to ask.
So when Ryujin steps into the living room that day, AirPods already in her ears, it takes one look at her for Yeji to tell that whatever had been bubbling under the surface would rear its head soon.
She doesn’t know when this cloud had started building above Ryujin, heavy and dark. When it was first visible, she’d cursed herself for not noticing it sooner, because Ryujin wouldn’t let anyone know at all if she could help it, and it meant it was bad.
Still.
Because the younger doesn’t say anything about it, she keeps quiet, trusting her to come to her when she needs it. And it seems that Ryujin’s mind has neared its limit, if the ‘don’t talk to me’ vibe is anything to go by.
In the van, she places her hand on the seat between them, palm facing up, and Ryujin’s hand makes its way to hers without looking, interlacing their fingers.
“Are you okay?” She asks softly, making sure the others don’t overhear.
Ryujin turns to look at her, expression painfully transparent. Still, she smiles.
“Yeah, just tired,” she says in a way that trusts Yeji to fill in the gaps, and turns away. And Yeji understands, although her heart aches at it. Even though she’s not okay, she has to be, at least for the next few hours until the shoot is over.
Yeji squeezes her hand, and though Ryujin doesn’t look at her again (she assumes it’s to hide the monsters in her eyes) she feels her squeeze back.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
The director for their shoot turns out to be someone they’ve worked with before, and he greets them warmly as they enter the studio. He’s more straightforward with his words, giving everyone unfiltered feedback. Usually, it would be fine - they’re in a professional setting after all, and everyone is just trying to have a productive shoot, nothing personal. In fact, Ryujin herself likes bluntness, and is direct with her words too.
But today? Another story. Yeji knows that when Ryujin’s feeling down, she usually gets more sensitive, words seeming to have an edge on her that can feel like they cut deep. The younger gets more and more agitated with every retake. They never really need many, which is credit to both luck and their skill, but the smallest things seem to make the biggest differences.
“Ryujin-ssi, we need a bit more expression in that shot.” The director calls. “Try to put more feeling into it.”
“A bit sharper on the move as well, Ryujin.” Their choreographer says, watching from next to him.
Something dark darts across Ryujin’s eyes, but it disappears as soon as she sees it. Yeji knows better though, and takes in the way Ryujin’s shoulders tense as she nods wordlessly.
They repeat the shot, but the choreographer shakes her head.
“Do it again.”
Ryujin turns her head away from her and takes a deep breath.
“We’ll try it again, no biggie,” Yeji says, placing a hand on Ryujin's shoulder. She catches a glimpse of the helpless look on the younger’s face before it melts into the bored expression again, ready for the camera. It scares Yeji slightly, how effortlessly she can school her expression despite giving off that dangerous aura.
They make it the next time, but Ryujin still has that knit in her eyebrows when she thinks there’s no one watching. She stands behind them as they monitor, not saying a thing, though Yeji can feel the way her eyes laser into the screen. Even though they approve of the footage, the younger seems dissatisfied, walking a bit further away from the rest of the group as the director calls for a break.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
They wrap up the shoot nicely, with minimal repeats. When they end, Ryujin is the first one out of the studio, bowing hurriedly at the staff as the other members follow after her. She’s silent on the way home, and Yeji lets her be. She doesn’t know what type of storm the younger’s mind gives her this time, but she knows that she has to let it pass before Ryujin will be slightly easier on herself.
When she comes out of the shower and finds Ryujin with her favourite tote bag slung over her shoulder, ready to go out, she doesn’t question it.
“Don’t be back too late, okay?” She says, towelling her hair dry.
Ryujin hums then speaks, more mellow than she usually is. “Sleep early, unnie, there’s no need to wait for me.”
“Sure, Ryujin.”
The door clicks shut before she can say anything else, and Yeji sighs, already knowing that she’s going to go look for her in a couple of hours.
She knows this pattern. Ryujin never shows the ugliest part of herself to anyone - she’s selfless like that. She’ll let it eat at her while she lets the steam off in the dance studio, and Yeji will find her there a few hours later. She’ll whisk her back home and make the both of them comfortable, and hopefully Ryujin will talk to her about what’s been bothering her.
But that’s something for later, when Ryujin decides she’s ready to talk. For now, she grabs her phone and turns on a live for the fans, if only just to kill time for a few hours.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
Ryujin drops her bag on the floor immediately when the door closes. Doesn’t bother to turn on the lights - she can’t take the piercing brightness anymore. Her head feels like lead, weighing her down, and if she squints, it starts to ache a bit, just enough to annoy her.
She lets herself starfish on the floor for a bit, staring at the ceiling as she feels the breaths in and out of her. If there’s a tear or two, she ignores it. Everything else floods through her, the useless thoughts that she’s been trying to ignore of the past weeks, the absurd number of likes and agreements she sees on those posts appearing in her dreams, and maybe-
She stops right there, refusing to let herself continue that thought. It’s why she’s here, actually. She refuses to think today. The moment the music starts, she forgets everything. Just the beat, the mirror, and everything the music leads her to doing. She pours everything she has left into it, letting it drain her thoughts.
She doesn’t stop - can’t stop. It’s the only way she knows how to stop thinking, all the back and forth that had been building up over months. Every move is perfect - it has to be. Never mind the cloud that descends on her mind, making everything a little more blurry, a little more forgiving. It has to be perfect. Every single angle, every pop at every beat, every last detail.
She doesn’t know how long she goes through it, clicking her tongue at every mistake she sees. She stops, rewinds. Glares at herself in the mirror before she does it again.
Then she puts on the dance playlist she has with Yeji, and simply follows, too tired to care about the way it looks anymore. She lets her body do the work, taking her mind somewhere else.
And when the playlist finally ends, the room falls into a terrifying silence. She keeps her head bowed in the ending position, eyes closed as she listens to her erratic heartbeat.
You’ll never be good enough.
Fuck, she thinks, and gets up to put on the next one.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
God knows how many songs she goes through she realises there’s someone next to her. Yeji mirrors her moves the way she just does, ever so effortlessly.
You should be more like her, Ryujin.
The muscle memory kicks in as they move in tandem, and Ryujin can’t help but smile at the way they look like one.
“What are you doing here,” she asks as the outro plays, knowing the answer. Yeji gives her a look.
“Got it all out?” She asks, and she shakes her head.
“One more song,” she whispers, and Yeji nods, moving to the sofa.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
Yeji loves watching Ryujin dance. She loves watching her do anything, really, just in the way she carries herself with that air of confidence. But especially dancing. Despite usually being in the spot next to her as the group effortlessly moves in sync, she likes it better like this. No formations, no fan service, just Ryujin, dancing under the dim light in the way she has known from the beginning.
As always, Ryujin hits every single beat, her moves sharp and fluid. But instead of the usual feeling of awe it gives her, all she can see is the distant look in her eyes, the frown between her eyebrows, the way she doesn’t move with her usual lightness. Her steps are too calculated, too precise, almost desperate.
Her hand itches to stop her, to grab her arm and drag her back home where she can finally rest, but Ryujin had asked for one more song, and she could tell the younger needed it.
So she waits. And when she sees Ryujin's shoulders slump in fatigue when the song ends, she decides that time’s up and walks over to where she stands.
“Let’s go home.”
“One more,” Ryujin pants, and she shakes her head.
“You’ve done what you came here to do, Jinnie.” She says gently but firmly. “It’s time to go back.”
She knows Ryujin hears what she doesn’t say. It’s time to face it.
Holding her gaze for a moment, the younger sighs, nods, and lets Yeji pull up her hood the way she likes it. Yeji tucks it behind her ears carefully, then puts her hands on Ryujin’s shoulders.
“Home?” She says quietly, the sound echoing in the empty practice room.
“Home,” Ryujin replies, and lets her put her arm around her shoulder as they walk out of the room.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
When Ryujin comes out of the shower, Yeji steps out of the kitchen, two cups in hand. The starting screen of the drama she’s currently binging stares back at her, and Yeji flashes a grin.
“A new episode dropped today. Let’s watch?”
She nods slowly, settling on the couch. Yeji sits slightly further than she usually does, but still close enough for her to reach, and plays the movie. Ryujin is grateful for it. needs the space to think, focus on everything but people right now.
They sit in a comfortable silence as the movie plays, the only sounds from the minute exclamations Yeji lets out occasionally. It brings her a fuzzy sort of warmth. Things may not be okay right now, but Yeji’s sitting next to her, eyes trained on Ryujin’s favourite drama even though she doesn’t really watch them, and life may not be so bad after all.
When her mind clears slightly, Ryujin reaches over, taps her arm, places a hand over Yeji’s. In no time, their fingers are intertwined, and there’s a warm weight on her shoulder, the older hugging her arm like a koala. She soothes her fingers Yeji’s hair, and practically feels the contented sigh coming from her.
“Missed you,” Yeji mumbles.
Ryujin chuckles. “I didn’t go anywhere, dummy.”
“But you haven’t been here for so long,” Yeji taps her forehead. “You’ve ditched us and gone off somewhere we can’t follow.” There’s a pout in her voice, but Ryujin knows it’s not a jab at her. If anything, it’s more of a disguised concern, actually. Yeji does that, lets Ryujin take the seriousness as slow as she likes because she knows she gets jumpy with sudden heaviness sometimes.
She hums, acknowledging it, and Yeji makes no more attempt to coax her into telling her anything, only hugs her arm closer. The characters on the screen move animatedly, and the two of them hold their breaths in anticipation as it builds to a climax.
But even as it’s entertaining, her mind can’t help but drift. She ponders a lot of things, wonders how Yeji could know her so well; to know when she needs to be alone, when to tell her it’s time to stop, when she knows to just be a presence she can feel next to her. She navigates these times like she’s done it all her life, and it worries Ryujin that maybe it comes a bit too often now.
And it seems like she knows the perfect time to break her out of her thoughts, too.
“What’s going on in that pretty mind of yours, hmm?”
Yeji pokes her, and Ryujin takes the chance to actually look at her. Her tone is teasing, giving Ryujin the chance to play it off as a joke, but there’s an unmistakable depth in her expression.
She’s worried, Ryujin’s mind realises like it did all those times before, and it’s that thought that makes her finally open her mouth. It never takes much from Yeji to get her to crack, anyway.
“I need to stay away from SNS,” Ryujin admits.
“Ryujin-ah,” Yeji says in that tone that she knows so well.
“I know,” she sighs. “I can handle it, usually. All the I’m me no matter what you say typa thing. But it’s been getting bad recently. It’s like doom scrolling, I can’t help it sometimes.”
The confession hangs in the air, and Ryujin can practically feel the fond exasperation radiating from Yeji. The older knows she tries, and knows how it is too, that it’s something inevitable that comes with their jobs.
All the same, she doesn’t want all the focus to be on her. Yeji’s done a lot already, pulling her out of the depths of her mind and keeping her company.
“How about you, unnie?”
Yeji shakes her head. It isn’t about her.
“I’m doing okay, Ryujin-ah. Tonight’s about you, okay?”
A frown fits across Ryujin’s face. “If it’s about me, then, I want it to be about you, too.”
Even like this, she still wants to take care of her. Yeji sighs inwardly. Ryujin is selfless like that. Not one to complain, just endure, never letting anyone know how much it hurts.
“Then I can say that I've been worried about you, can’t I? Don’t think that I can’t see you when you’re silent at a corner.”
It startles Ryujin, clearly. Yeji doesn’t think she’s called her out like this before. The air is silent for a moment, and she fears Ryujin has gone back into her shell again, back to being her easygoing but also awfully cheesy dongsaeng. Back to being Shin Ryujin , the charmer in front of everyone else, rather than just Ryujin , whose expression is always open when they’re alone.
“I’m sorry,” she hears, small, guilty. “I don’t mean to worry you.” Ryujin looks away, and Yeji’s heart drops.
“It’s not your fault, you hear me?” She turns Ryujin’s head so that she looks at her, and realises too late that there are tears in her eyes. “Ryujinnie, I-“
“I know I-“ Ryujin digs the heel of her palm into her eyes. “I know it’s not my fault. You worry about all of us anyways. It’s just been getting a bit much lately.” She finishes lamely.
Yeji waits for the elaboration, and as predicted, it comes shortly after.
“They say- a lot. My dancing isn’t good enough. My singing isn’t as strong. I’m barely a rapper. I’m too mean to you guys. Not professional enough, pretend to be cool for the attention,” Ryujin swallows, and it’s just as well because Yeji doesn’t think she can hear any more.
There should be something else - a “but”, Ryujin saying how she doesn’t believe them. She can’t, right? When the group would never be the same without her?
Yeji doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on her face, but she catches Ryujin looking at her warily.
“You’re not going to like what I’m going to say,” the younger bites her lip.
“You’re going to tell me anyway, though?”
Ryujin nods, turns away. It takes a while before the words finally come out.
“I don’t know what to do with myself when I realise that it’s true.” She says softly, guiltily, and tears slide down her face before Yeji can react. Instinctively, she wraps her arms around her properly, letting the younger cry into her shirt.
When she can think, the first thing that bubbles within her is anger. She wants to strangle everyone who’s been saying this to all of them, faceless idiots who left them to pick up their own pieces. But a girl so dear to her is still crying in her arms, so she brushes that aside and focuses on Ryujin.
Ryujin cries silently, never one to make a fuss. She usually tries to shake it off with a laugh, but today, it seems she’s too tired to even do that. It makes Yeji ache in so many different ways, and she tries not to think about how small Ryujin feels in her arms.
“You can cry, Ryujin-ah,” she whispers, pressing her lips to her temple. “It must have been hard for you,”
She’s seen first hand how Ryujin absorbs these blows, a deep well. The younger shrugs it off like it’s nothing, blasé in front of the cameras. But she also sees how much it actually affects her; it chips at her from the inside, fills up until she can’t help it anymore. Hands curl into her shirt, and she runs her fingers through dark blue strands as she murmurs things she knows both of them won’t remember.
“Maybe I should stop trying,” Ryujin murmurs a while later, her voice thick, and it breaks Yeji’s heart to see her eyes so tired when there’s usually an icy flame sparkling in them. “After all, Itzy’s Shin Ryujin is who they say she is, right?”
“You don’t mean that, Ryujin-ah,” she says patiently, wiping her tears.
“Maybe I do,” Ryujin mutters, and Yeji knows she’s just trying to be difficult. She tilts Ryujin’s head up, meeting her glassy eyes.
“You don’t, Ryujin-ah. I know ‘cause you’ve been working your way to this dream ever since the day I saw you in the practice room. And you did it for yourself, so you could perform on stage like you were always meant to do. The Ryujin that I know isn’t going to stop what she loves to do just because of a few people who don’t even have the courage to show their faces. Shin Ryujin is who you want to be. Itzy is who we want to be. Fuck all of them and anyone who says otherwise.”
She lets the words sink in for a bit, and Ryujin lets out a small laugh, tears still trailing down her cheeks. It’s both relieving and heartbreaking at the same time, and Yeji brushes her thumb across Ryujin’s cheek again, feeling the younger lean into her palm.
“You sound like those motivational speakers. It’s uncharacteristic.” There’s that hint of humour behind it, and Yeji knows it’s a deflection, so she gently guides them back to their topic, because there’s something she needs to say as well.
“If it helps, it’s more than enough. I feel like I’m not doing enough for you sometimes,” she says truthfully, watching as Ryujin’s eyebrows raise in disbelief. “I don’t like knowing that you’re shouldering all this alone, and that it makes you feel like that. So I need you to know that what you’re thinking and doing isn’t wrong. It never will be.” She stresses. “It’s easier to listen to them sometimes, but, why would you? It’s your life. We’re Itzy, not them.”
Ryujin worries her lip. “But don’t you ever get tired, unnie? Of them?”
“Of course I do. But I have you, don’t I? You guys keep me going.”
She knows what’s coming before Ryujin speaks, beating her to it.
“It doesn’t make you weak, Ryujin-ah. It makes you human.”
Ryujin considers this for a moment. “Then you must be an angel, unnie.” She has that shit-eating grin on her face when she says it. Yeji flushes, relieved that Ryujin feels better to joke like this but also why is she saying that type of thing?
“Not any more than you are,” she settles with, poking the younger’s cheek.
“You’re too good to me, unnie,” Ryujin buries her face in Yeji’s neck, and she shifts a little, feeling her face grow hot when the younger’s breath grazes her skin.
“It’s only because you’ll buy me snacks. Won’t you?”
“I’ll buy you the whole store if you want to, unnie.”
Yeji frowns. That’s still a very un-Ryujin-like response - she waits for the “but” to come.
“Aren’t you going to tease me?” She questions. Over the years, it’s been slowly made clear that teasing is Ryujin’s love language. It's what makes Yeji so comfortable being childish around her, and the lack of it tells her that there’s something that Ryujin still needs to get off her chest.
She watches as Ryujin manages to crack a smile, rubbing her stomach in that nervous habit. Yeji catches her hand, and the younger startles, looking at her. They stare at each other for a minute before Ryujin sighs.
“You're doing more than enough for me, unnie. You’re giving me so much. All of you are. I’m scared of taking more than I should.” The younger smiles helplessly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
It shocks Yeji more than it should. Ryujin? Who never complains about anything? Who silently takes care of them even if they don’t know it? But then, it starts to make sense, slowly. Sure, Ryujin knows how to lean on them when she needs to. Admitting when something is too hard, apologising when she makes a mistake, being quick to ask for help to fix it. But it’s also because she doesn’t want to take more of the team’s time than she needs to, or “burden” them, as Ryujin herself would put it.
The thought of Ryujin thinking she’s a burden to anyone , much less Itzy, somehow brings tears to Yeji’s eyes because she’s been nothing but wonderful, and everyone else would agree with her, too..
Yeji taps her nose, blinking back the tears. “There’s no amount that you should take, Ryujin-ah. Don’t count it. We’re a team, aren’t we? You’re forgetting that you’ve done so much for us as well.”
“That’s because you deserve it, and-”
“And so do you,” Yeji cuts her off, hoping the look she gives her is enough to send the point home. “You deserve everything that you’re given, even though they say otherwise. You’re not what they say you are. You know that, right? You are what you say you are, and maybe, if you care enough, you’re what I say you are too.”
Ryujin looks incredulous at that. “You know I’d let you do whatever you want to me, unnie.”
“Then you’ll let me convince you that you deserve even more than what you’re getting now, will you?”
Ryujin frowns, and Yeji pokes her.
“Try me.”
“It’s going to take more than just a talk to convince me, unnie.”
“Right. You’re not Ryujin for nothing,” Yeji grins at the disgruntled sound Ryujin makes, her attempt to lighten the mood successful. “I guess you’ll just have to let me show you then, every day.”
The younger looks surprised at that, her brow furrowing quizzically before her expression softens, and she stares at her in what looks a lot like awe.
“I need to be more like you, unnie. You’re so… optimistic. How are you so strong?”
Yeji chuckles. “Have you forgotten how I keep telling the camera that I need to be more like you? I could say the same.”
“But I’m not. I’m stubborn and get moody a lot and hide things from people until they blow up.”
“You’re also so attentive and persistent in getting what’s good for everyone and insanely talented. That’s just god’s way of making sure you aren’t too perfect. How ‘bout we ditch that and just be ourselves instead, hmm?”
Ryujin hums, and Yeji pokes her.
“Yah!”
“I’m thinking about it,” Ryujin says, that twinkle in her eyes that always makes Yeji sigh.
“Promise me,” Yeji holds up her pinky, and it’s childish, but Ryujin hooks their pinkies together.
“Promise.”
“Do you want me to sleep at the bottom bunk with you today?” Yeji asks, because she knows Ryujin needs the warmth sometimes but doesn’t want to ask.
The younger hesitates, then as if remembering Yeji’s words from before, nods. “If it’s okay with you?”
“Of course it is.” Yeji says warmly.
(She’ll tell her sometime soon that she actually loves when they’re huddled together under the same blanket.)
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
Yeji does end up ditching her top bunk for neither the first nor the last time, and Dolee and Dolmin come with her too. Ryujin seems like she wants to say something about the two new guests (intruders?), but with one look from Yeji, she puts her hands up in surrender as Yeji climbs under the covers and wraps herself around Ryujin.
“What are you doing,” the younger protests, squirming.
“You know you love it when I hug you like that, Ryujin-ah,” Yeji ruffles her hair. “Besides, I know you need it today, so shush and go to sleep, okay?”
Ryujin scrunches her nose but doesn’t say anything, leaning into her.
“Thank you, unnie,” Yeji hears as she’s giving in to the pull of sleep. It’s uncharacteristically soft for Ryujin, yet her heart warms at the thought that the younger feels comfortable enough to share this side of her with Yeji.
She opens her eyes halfway only to catch Ryujin already staring at her, eyes gentle.
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” she murmurs back, and her eyes fall shut again as Ryujin’s hand rests on her waist.
“You make me feel safe,” Ryujin says, and Yeji doesn’t have to open her eyes to know she’s looking at her with that gaze that makes her want to give her everything she could ask for.
She does, anyway, and her breath catches. Ryujin’s smile is the one she reserves for when there’s only the few of them, almost like she can’t believe this is happening. It’s sincere but slightly apprehensive, and Yeji smiles back, pressing a kiss to her temple, hoping Ryujin hears what she doesn’t say, knows that Yeji will always catch her when she takes a leap.
(The next day, Ryujin’s back to her insufferable self whilst being sweet, and Yeji can’t fathom for the life of her how she does it. When she does get teased, Yeji whines at her, pouting as Ryujin laughs, but the younger takes her hand and squeezes it to placate her, and this is how she knows that she’s okay.
She smiles at her, squeezing back, and Ryujin goes straight back to stealing her snacks from her bag, ignoring her protests of hey that’s mine and go get your own .)