Work Text:
When Ryujin first feels it, it’s a small prickle. A slight annoyance deep inside, not enough to cause havoc but enough to put her on edge. They’re in the middle of the shoot, and the director’s just announced that she has to redo her individual shoot because of issues with the lighting. It comes with a slew of apologies, but she smiles, waves them away like she’s expected to, a chorus of it’s okay things happen leaving her lips.
Next to her, Yeji does the same, but her fingers find Ryujin’s, grip them just a little tighter than she normally does. Ryujin knows Yeji well enough to tell that she’s frustrated for her, not because she’ll need to stay back a little later with the members.
Ryujin tugs her closer, wraps her arms around Yeji’s waist and leans her head on her shoulder. They don’t exchange words, but Yeji lets Ryujin lean into her, and Ryujin eyes close on their own accord to relieve herself from the flashing lights and cameras, just for a moment. The older places her hands on top of hers, and Ryujin can’t see it, but she can feel Yeji tilt her head back to rest on her shoulder as well.
They stay like this for a while, like they’re giving each other energy, before there’s a distant yelling from one of the staff. Ryujin shifts, buries her nose in Yeji’s shoulder.
Yeji sighs, like she’s pulling herself back to reality.
“You have to go,” she whispers, rubbing her arm.
“I know,” Ryujin mumbles, arms tightening. “Ten seconds.”
Ten seconds later, Yeji taps her arm, ever the responsible leader. Ryujin peels herself away reluctantly, pouting in the way she knows will make Yeji chuckle. The older pinches her cheek, smiling tiredly.
“Go. Just a few more hours.”
Ryujin grumbles a little under her breath, but does as she’s told, plastering a smile on her face as she turns back to the director. Yeji sits on the side as she does her shoot, alternating between talking to a camera and snacking and just looking at her. It’s almost like her gaze is tangible, because Ryujin feels eyes on her the entire time, and can practically see the smile on her face. It’s comforting, having someone around, even if they’re not in front of the camera with her.
When they finally conclude the last group shoot, the members rush to take off their makeup and outfits, but Ryujin can’t find it in herself to rush like the others, despite normally being the first one off work. She lets muscle memory take over as she thanks the staff, and Yeji lingers next to her, pushing her shoulder gently.
“What’s wrong?” she asks lightly, slinging her arm around her. Ryujin doesn’t turn to look at her, but if she does, she knows she’ll see that goofy grin on her face. Today, though, it lacks a little enthusiasm, the usual upward tilt to her voice that gives it a playful tone; trust Yeji to try to help her solve her problems when she herself is tired.
Still, the thought of Yeji going through her usual routine makes her smile; the company was right to make her the leader from the start, even though Yeji herself didn’t want to. She always seems to know when something’s up with the members, and Ryujin couldn’t be more proud of her when she thinks of eighteen-year-old Yeji, terrified beyond belief but rising to the occasion anyway.
“Just tired,” Ryujin replies, a half-truth. She’s repeated that line so many times that Yeji knows like clockwork what she means. The older pats her shoulder, a gesture so familiar that Ryujin finds herself relaxing a little, resting her arm on Yeji’s waist.
“Anything I can do to help?” Yeji murmurs and Ryujin thinks for a while, shakes her head.
“Don’t worry your head about it,” she says, pinching Yeji’s waist. The older yelps, then swats her hand away, shaking her head with a smile.
“If you say so,” she says, but her arm remains around Ryujin’s shoulders, toying with the fabric of her outfit. Ryujin squirms a little as it tickles her, and Yeji chuckles, squeezes her a little.
“Let’s go home,” she turns, whispers into her hair, and Ryujin has never loved those words so much in her life.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
Yeji stares at her bed as she contemplates whether it’s worth it to skip the shower and just go straight to sleep. Her eyes dart to the clock on her dresser. It’s probably too late to check on her parents; her family would be asleep by now.
It’s been weeks since she last had a proper facetime call with her mother, their schedules too erratic to sit down and chat. Yeji misses the way her mother squints at the phone as if she’s not just right there, the soothing tone of her voice as she talks about something that happened in the neighbourhood just the other day, the tilt of her phone towards her father when he retires into their room for the night only to find the two still chatting.
The thought makes the tears well up a little behind her eyelids. She checks her phone, one of the first times she’s able to today, and finds a message from her mother in the morning. She hasn’t replied to it, too busy running around and making sure everything is going smoothly and perfecting the moves.
Eomma
Make sure to eat today, Yeji-ah.
Yeji
i ate three square meals and a lot of snacks i promise
i miss you
🖤
As she clicks open Bubble to send a message to the fans, a text flashes on her screen; looks like not all of her family is asleep, even if it is the dead of the night.
Yeju
Gyeollie wanted you to see this
[Photo attached]
Yeji smiles at the picture of her niece dressed as a fairy, holding a wand in one hand and a tangerine in the other. It’s her school’s dress up day today, she recalls from an earlier update; the toddler had decided to dress up as a tangerine fairy, a coincidence as much as it’s expected. Yeji had brought her tangerines once, and the girl had fallen in love, always asking for one when she sees her.
It reminds her of their own tangerine fairy, how she found a tangerine peel in the cup holder of the van one night, how Ryujin’s nails had been orange for a few months straight, how no matter where they went Ryujin would have a tangerine in her bag and peel it within seconds of taking it out. Funny how the younger’s only met the toddler a handful of times but Gyeollie’s already taken a little piece of her and made it her own.
Yeji
she’s starting to be like ryujin, it’s scary
tell her imo will bring her more tangerines soon
Smiling to herself, she throws on her pajamas after a quick shower, grabs the book Yuna gave to her from her dresser. She’s just settled in bed and checked her phone when there’s a soft knock on her door.
“Come in.”
“Unnie,” Yeji looks up at the sound, and finds Ryujin ready to leave the house, drowning in a baggy shirt and dance bag slung over her shoulder. She looks exhausted in a way she shouldn’t be, though she attempts a smile.
“I’m going to the studio,” she says softly, hoisting her bag up further.
Yeji nods. “It’s cold, so wear your coat. Don’t be back too late, okay?”
She frowns slightly at the thought of the younger needing to go there to release steam again; it’s a signal something’s been nagging at her, and she’s just thinking about how to pull out their routine again, maybe slipping out to buy a tangerine or two while Ryujin’s dancing, when she realises Ryujin hasn’t moved.
The younger fidgets a little, eyes on the ground like she has something to say but doesn’t know how to say it. It’s not an unusual look on her, but Yeji doesn’t like it.
“What is it?” She says gently, closing her book. She’s been trying to read a little lately, finds it slightly therapeutic as a late night activity. It can wait, though. She focuses her full attention on Ryujin, patiently listening for whatever she needs.
“Do you…” Ryujin clears her throat, then tries again. “Do you want to come with me?”
Oh.
“Ryujinnie, are you sure?” Yeji reaches for her hand, and the younger steps forward, takes it automatically. “I don’t want to intrude on something that’s yours.”
They’ve long known that Ryujin doesn’t like to be near anyone when she’s feeling sensitive, or unable to keep up with social interaction. It’s how she manages to keep everyone around her unscathed, she’s told Yeji. The older had frowned a little and said something about everyone being unscathed except for herself, but hadn’t pushed the topic, letting Ryujin go at her own pace.
“I know, but you were saying how I need to maybe lean on you guys a bit more, and you’ve always been… you, so…” Ryujin’s voice trails off, but she squeezes her hand. “I thought maybe I could share this with you too.”
It took a while, but tonight, it seems the younger’s finally here. The thought of Ryujin wanting to be with her during this type of moment, when she’s not quite feeling like herself, makes something in her feel fuzzy. It makes her want to be better for Ryujin - to show her that she deserves it, to prove that she’s worth Ryujin letting her in, to be her rock as Ryujin has always been hers.
“Give me two minutes.” Yeji stands up to press a kiss to her temple, and Ryujin nods, leaving the room. She hurries around, throwing things into her bag, slipping into her hoodie and jeans, finding the beanie that she bought as a couple with Ryujin, and joins her in the living room when she’s done.
“Are you really sure?” she asks again as they put on their coats and scarves. She worries it might get annoying if she keeps asking, but she wants to make sure Ryujin isn’t doing something she isn’t ready to do.
Ryujin hums, takes the beanie from Yeji’s hand and pulls it over her head, carefully brushing her hair aside. She smiles at her, patting her shoulders, and hooks her arm onto hers until she’s almost hugging it.
“More than sure.”
It’s snowing, and one of them could usually comment on it, but their walk over to the company is unusually silent. Not the quiet that they’re used to, two people enjoying each other’s company in peace. Tonight, they both seem to be lost in their own troubles, Ryujin with whatever’s going on in her head and Yeji with how she’s frazzled at not seeing her family for so long.
It’s not a bad thing, but it is the exact opposite of what going out was supposed to do. The unreadable look’s taken over Ryujin’s eyes again, one that reminds Yeji she can’t read Ryujin as effortlessly as she’d like to. It looks like she’s retreating back into her head again, and Yeji only has a split second to make her decision.
She needs to say something to break this stalemate they’re in now, reset the cycle for the both of them. Work is completely out of the question, she wouldn’t want to take away this moment that’s theirs by bringing up what other people said, and mentioning her frustrations wouldn’t help now - they’d just weigh both of them down.
So she finally settles on a safe space: home.
“You know,” she slips an arm into Ryujin’s. “Gyeollie is becoming like you,”
Ryujin makes a surprised noise at that, and she continues. “She was a tangerine fairy for her school’s dress up day.”
“She’s going to go places,” Ryujin declares, holding Yeji’s arm tighter. “I knew I was her favourite aunt.”
“She’s my niece!” Yeji pouts. Trust Ryujin to charm her own family away from her.
“You’ve been outmatched by the one and only. Sorry, unnie,” Ryujin grins, and reaches a hand up to brush snow from her hair. “You’re my favourite though. Does that count?”
“Maybe. I’ll consider it.” Yeji says teasingly, then yanks Ryujin up when the younger stops and kneels to grab a handful of snow from the piles on the sidewalk.
“Shin Ryujin, I will actually kill you,” she threatens, and Ryujin laughs.
“Okay, okay. We’ll save that for another day.”
Relieved to see a smile on Ryujin’s face (and feeling a little lighter herself at the thought of home), she talks a bit more; how Gyeollie leaves out honorifics when she speaks to her, how she’s still someone’s favourite because Hongsam and Insam wouldn’t let her out of their sight her last trip back to Jeonju, barking when she left the room. Although it brings a little bit of longing with it, remembering how long ago it was, the warmth that she feels recalling it makes it more than worth it.
When she glances at Ryujin occasionally, she finds the younger’s attention solely on her. It makes something in her face warm, being watched so carefully (it’s funny; years of being a public figure couldn’t prepare her for the way Ryujin looks at her, the way she feels her gaze like a weight). She doesn’t say too much, but Yeji catches a glimpse of a smile when she rambles on about her sister, and it’s enough for her to keep going.
“Your mum texted me the other day, you know,” Ryujin says as they turn the corner to the company building. “She asked me how you were.”
That piques Yeji’s interest. She knows her mum and Ryujin communicate occasionally, usually about her and something else Ryujin won’t say, but it always makes something comforting slide back into place as she sees the two getting along, even though it means Ryujin nags at her in place of her mother sometimes.
“What did you tell her?”
Ryujin has that look on her face that tells Yeji it can be nothing good. She braces herself, looking at her expectantly.
“I told her that you forgot to eat breakfast twice last week,” Ryujin says, and Yeji stares at her, scandalised.
“Ryujinnie, that’s going to get me a scolding,” She whines, but Ryujin shakes her head, smiling. “She’s going to think I’ve been lying to her!”
“She understands. We’re stressed more times than not, after all. I promised her I would make sure you took care of yourself and we would do it for you if you didn’t.
“She also slipped me the recipe for your favourite jjigae,” the younger says, and Yeji’s head whips over to her, but she continues, as if she didn’t just drop the fact that Yeji’s mother trusted her with her prized recipes that she didn’t even give her own daughter. “If you want to, we can try to make it together next time.”
The way she says it, so open but not pushing, makes Yeji cave a little inside. She pulls her a little closer, intertwines their fingers together.
“Yeah,” she breathes. “Yeah. I’d love to.”
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
The studio is dark when they step in, and rightfully so - it’s the middle of the night, after all. There’s still tinny music from a few rooms down, the soundproofing worn down throughout the years. Ryujin turns on the lights in one corner, leaving the rest off; everything's better when the lights are dimmed. Yeji ties her hair as she leaves her bag in a heap on the ground, goes to the laptop to start the music.
She’s like the sun; Ryujin thinks of the way she spoke about her family, fondly animated. She couldn’t look away from the sparkle in her eyes, the curve of her smile, the happiness in her voice. It was like the light she never knew she needed when the darkness started to overpower her.
Watching Yeji talk about home had made her momentarily forget about why she even had to come here, but remembering that the last time she saw them was months ago makes her remember. The exhaustion she’s been feeling lately isn’t physical - it’s mental, filling her brain with lead as they’re whisked to events they can’t keep track of.
She takes her coat off as the music starts playing, only to find Yeji already stretching, despite having dance practice earlier this morning. The older beckons her to join her, and they stretch for a few songs in silence before Ryujin stands up, offers Yeji a hand which she takes without hesitation.
The songs she plays are those their entire group are familiar with; they could probably dance it in their sleep by now, the moves seared into memory since young. Coincidentally, she remembers learning most of the choreography with Yeji, clumsily figuring out the grooves in an attempt to look cool.
It reminds her of their trainee days, that one time where they had a monthly evaluation together and practiced till early morning. They had both been so critical with the details that they barely rested the week leading up to it, but the near perfect score they received made up for it, and started her journey with her best dancing partner.
Soon, they’re dancing without reservation, matching each other’s moves on the spot with some tweaks. Yeji catches her eye in the mirror a few times, but the older only smiles, and Ryujin is grateful she knows her enough to tell that she can’t handle too much communication right now.
They go through her playlist, though Yeji makes sure she takes water breaks in between. Every song they go through, Ryujin finds the knot in her brain loosening, just a touch; it’s been too long since they’ve danced just to dance, not for practice or dance challenges or stages.
She pushes coherent thought out of her head, focusing on the beat and the way Yeji’s footsteps thunk on the floor in perfect timing with her own. The rhythmic thuds soothe something restless in her, surprisingly; there’s a groundedness in always knowing what to expect, hearing what she expects.
By the end of it, Ryujin lies starfished on the floor, eyes closed, chest rising and falling. Her limbs feel like jelly - dance practice in the morning and two shoots running till the night and then the past hour or so of practically non-stop dancing. It’s a good type of exhaustion, one that has her mind floating into a space where it’s too tired to think about how tired she is.
The light behind her eyelids is blocked suddenly, casting a shadow over her face, and she opens her eyes to see Yeji, leaning over her. How she still has the strength to stand is beyond Ryujin, but she manages a small smile.
“Had enough?” Yeji says softly. She’s been doing things gently a lot today, Ryujin realises. Whether it’s because she’s just tired or because Ryujin gets sensitive during these times she doesn’t know, but it gives her another rush of affection for the woman next to her.
“Yeah,” she sighs, sitting up. “Let’s go.”
Ryujin goes to turn the computer off, and Yeji’s holding up her coat when she turns back around. She slips into it, and Yeji wraps the scarf around her neck as she fiddles with the buttons. The heat prickles a little, and she’s still sweating, her shirt sticking to her back.
“Aren’t you too warm, unnie?” The older is one to run hot, always warm no matter how absurdly cold the weather is. She’s surprised that she isn’t sweating bullets right now.
Yeji shakes her head. “It’s cold outside. You’ll thank me later.”
Ryujin pouts, but Yeji doesn’t let up, taking her hand as they leave the studio. She takes one last look at the dark room, the sole light in the mirror coming from where they are, and smiles at the addition of the new memory this place will store, closing the door as they leave hand in hand.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ
It’s chilly even when they’re wrapped up in coats and scarves and all, Yeji realises on the short walk back to the dorm. It’s not snowing today, but it might tomorrow, if the temperature is any indication. Luckily she had Ryujin snowman up back at the studio. Her hand is in Ryujin’s coat pocket, but the younger’s hand is still cold, like it always is. Ryujin would interject and say it’s because she’s a cool person, but all the same, it reminds her that something warm would be really nice right now.
As if she reads her mind, Ryujin squeezes her hand.
“Let’s go get tteokbokki?”
If Yeji could melt, she’d have melted already. But it’s the middle of winter, so she settles with a beam and a nod.
“Please.”
They end up at one of the old stalls they used to go to as trainees, and Yeji orders for them, handing the ahjumma her money before Ryujin even realises what’s going on. Ryujin protests, but Yeji only shakes her head, holding up a piece of tteokbokki with the toothpick for her.
“Eat,” she says, practically shoving the rice cake in her mouth. Ryujin obeys, and Yeji watches fondly as her face lights up with it. They’ve all been eating too little lately, being bundled from place to place with no time to eat but a quick bite in the vans.
Ryujin takes the cup from her and does the same thing, eyebrows raised. Yeji laughs as she takes the bite, the sauce salty on her tongue as she chews on it. Ryujin eats the next piece, and they’re halfway done with the cup when Yeji catches her looking at her, tilting her head in question.
“Feel better?” Ryujin asks, making Yeji stop in her tracks.
There’s a smile on the younger’s face in understanding, and it dawns on her - Ryujin - sweet, beautiful Ryujin, had noticed from the start that Yeji wasn’t in her usual mood that day, and even though she herself wasn’t feeling too good, she offered a piece of her own vulnerability to pull Yeji out of the dorm, doing things she knew would make her happy under the guise of wanting it herself.
“You didn’t,” she looks at her, and Ryujin smiles, soft in a way that she knows is only reserved for her.
“And if I did?”
Warmth bursts in her chest, and before she knows it, she’s thrown her arms around Ryujin, burying her face in her shoulder. Ryujin laughs, patting her back while trying not to spill the remaining tteokbokki.
“Please tell me you didn’t do all that just for me,” Yeji says into her shoulder, and she feels Ryujin chuckle.
“I didn’t want to leave you alone in the dorm. It’s too quiet,” she runs a hand up her back. “And you being with me - it helped a lot. Have I told you your voice quiets whatever stupid thoughts I have? It’s like you’re my literal voice of reason.”
“I’m glad,” Yeji’s voice is muffled into her shoulder. “You didn’t have to think about me. I know it’s been hard for you too.”
“You didn’t have to think about me either,” Ryujin retorts, then smiles. “But I think that’s how we work, isn’t it? I’m too tired to fight my own thoughts but I still have energy to fight for you. You miss your family a lot but you’d push that aside to be with me. We’re not doing it for ourselves, but we move forward together all the same.”
Yeji chews on another piece of tteokbokki that Ryujin gives her as she thinks about it. She was missing her family and bed a little more than usual that day, but when Ryujin had knocked and asked her to come along, she hadn’t thought twice before agreeing. Ryujin was obviously tired and probably needed her own space for a while, but she’d extended that space to include Yeji because she needed it today.
It’s a bit like the sun and moon, actually. It’s nice, having someone fill in your gaps when you’re too tired to, being too tired to cover your tracks but not tired enough to ignore someone else’s.
“You know what? I like that. We can keep it.”
It doesn’t really change anything. Their schedules are still jam packed from top to bottom. Yeji still can’t go back to see her family for the next few months. The long-term exhaustion Ryujin feels is still there. But as Ryujin feeds Yeji another piece of tteokbokki and she reaches over to pull Ryujin’s scarf a little tighter, she thinks of tonight as a temporary reset button - something to keep them going before they finally get to take that well-deserved break.
(That, and Ryujin smiles at her, and it’s all Yeji needs to know that this, everything they’re doing, is all worth it.
She smiles back, and lets Ryujin take the last piece of tteokbokki.)