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Dear Aziraphale Angel,
The only way you would be reading this is 1. If Muriel found it and sent it to you. 2. If I had the guts to send it to you. Or 3. You came back, found it and read it, I hope it’s option 3. The day you… left I. It wasn’t supposed to go that way, we were supposed to go to the Ritz for breakfast then back to our your bookshop to drink some fine wines, but I would stay back for a moment. I would've grabbed some yellow tulips. Tulips because they represent hope and deep but perfect love, which is how I feel about you. Yellow because it's your favourite colour no wonder the colour represents happiness and fun as well as intelligence and cleverness. I think the colour was made to be like you. Perfect. I was supposed to give you the tulips and tell you I love you.
No past-tense I still love you, have for 6,000 years and then some. I was angry for a while, but anger is just a cover-up for sadness, hurt, and fear. Sad and hurt that you left me. But mostly afraid, afraid that you would be gone forever, that as soon as you got up there they would throw you into a column of hellfire. But more scared that they would throw you down for fraternising with me and you would fall, that hurts so much on a level more than the physical pain of your wings getting burned but more on the emotional state of you didn’t really do much wrong and they just threw you down anyways. It hurts. But most afraid that they would brainwash you into thinking I was evil, like actually brainwashing you more than just telling you, constantly putting it into your head to a point where you could never turn back, the happy angel I once knew would be gone. That would be horrifying.
After a while I started reading your books, (I am pretty sure Muriel didn’t actually sell any, if they did I’m sorry). The books gave me a sense that you were there that you were still okay like my plants, don’t worry I didn’t yell at the books, but they seemed to all remind me of you every description of beauty seemed like it belonged to you, your beautiful turquoise eyes (which is my favourite colour) with the slightly star shaped pupils, your luscious curly hair, your perfect for hug sized tummy (We have only ever hugged once but it stays with me forever) Muriel would come into rooms and see me crying, they didn’t believe me when I said I was okay, but I was just remembering you and your magnificent looks and your tranquillity, but also your great sense of humour. Oh Angel I miss you so so much.
The truth is that really I never wanted to be forgiven. Ever. All I ever wanted from the moment I met you was your love. You were all that mattered. I could never live without you. I mean for more than a couple years but it’s so very horrible. As one of my good friends Freddie Mercury once said “today just love me like there's no tomorrow” I hope you’ll love me like there's no tomorrow every day because I do.
P.S. Freddie wrote Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy one day while I was talking to him about you.
Sincerely Forever yours Love,
-Crowley