Chapter Text
Eddie Diaz stared at himself in the mirror, without really seeing who was looking back at him. He stared through the hazy brown eyes and into the distance; into the past. Fragments of memories of pure happiness, all revolved around Shannon. Shared smiles, a feeling of intimacy and closeness he’d never managed to find again, a feeling of family. Only the door to the men’s restroom opening shook him out of his reverie. He knew he had to get back out there, to the woman who had elicited this strange and impulsive desire out of him. Never in his life had he considered he would be in a position like this, toeing a line that so many men had before him. A line he had always sneered at and known he would never cross. But he’d never felt such a strong confusing pull like this either, something irrational but so so powerful. Kim was smiling at him as he dropped back into his chair. They’d been there for a lot longer than he realized, talking about her boutique, the basics of his job as a firefighter, enjoying the easy conversation and easy laughs. But as the night was winding down his nerves were starting to kick in. How was he going to end this evening? Did he really mean to make this such a date? For a millisecond, Marisol’s dark eyes and bright smile flashed in his mind and he prepped himself to say goodnight and bolt. But then Kim reached across the table and with her slightly husky voice asked “Ready to get out of here?”... and the string that had somehow started attaching itself from Kim to himself yanked tight.
He did stop himself after walking her to her car. “Well thanks for this evening, I had a really great time with you Eddie” she smiled softly and let her hand reach up to his cheek. Eddie felt himself breaking into a hundred pieces as he remembered the same motion from Shannon, on so many occasions when she had been feeling fond. And from there it was like he’d been sucked into a slow motion film clip from his past. He felt himself put his hand on her waist and pulled her close to him, before placing a soft kiss on her cheek. His heart bounced around into every corner of his chest. He felt terrified and excited, stinging guilt and joy, nausea and desire. She looked the tiniest bit disappointed so he blurted out “Are you free for lunch tomorrow by any chance?” before his brain could catch up with his mouth. Her smile was huge as she confirmed she was free, and he promised to text her info in the morning.
As he climbed back into his truck, he sat and stared into space for a while. He felt strangely numb after an evening of feeling just about every emotion on the spectrum. But his heart and mind were stuck on one thought alone, pulsing along with his heartbeat: Why? Why? Why? It was a question he couldn’t process or begin to answer. He pulled out his phone and texted Buck that he’d be there soon to pick up Chris.
When he showed up at Bucks, the guilt returned. It was late, much later than he meant to leave Chris there. Even late by Buck’s standards apparently, as Eddie found him asleep in his armchair, the Netflix menu cycling in the background. “Buck..” he gently grasped his shoulder and tried to wake his snoring friend.
Buck jolted awake, looking around somewhat wildly before making eye contact with Eddie and smiling lazily. “Hey man… you guys have a good time?” he asked with a suggestive wink and finger pointed at Eddie's mouth.
Eddie swiped his hand over his cheek and saw the bright pink lipstick clinging to his finger. “Shit….” he muttered and wiped some more.
Buck just chuckled as he stood up. “Hey it’s better than a face full of soot right?” He stretched lazily like the big cat he was and came up to Eddie only to hold him in that familiar hold he often did to Buck. Right hand on his left shoulder, squeezing fondly and grounding him. “But seriously Eds, I’m happy for you man. You’ve seemed so light the last few months, really makes me glad you’ve found some peace.”
Buck thought he was light? He'd felt manic lately but at least he'd been hiding it well if Buck was fooled. Eddie wanted to say something meaningful back to him. Wanted to explain how happy it made him to see him and Tommy clicking, how it made Buck light up and they all benefited from his sunshine because of it. How much he deserved to be cherished and treated like the amazing guy he was. But it all froze in his throat, the only thing rising up being bile, bitter and sharp. How could he say something so honest after being so false with him all night? After being so false for the last few weeks? All he could manage in response was “Uh yeah, thanks man. You too.”
He and Buck walked upstairs to help gather Chris and say their goodnights. Eddie could barely make eye contact with Buck, after all he hadn't lied to his best friend in ages…especially not about something this big. He drove home and tried to keep his mind blissfully empty. Of course, that was an impossible task. He hadn't experienced any of this before; ripping off the veneer of being Eddie Diaz, feelings that he was betraying loved ones, giving into this desperate desire for something that had been creeping up over the past month.
The following morning after dropping a somewhat sleepy Chris off at school, he headed back home to tidy up and change for his lunch date. His phone buzzed at some point and he saw it was a text from Buck, but he could get back to him later. They both had the day off and he assumed Buck was trying to see if he wanted to hang out later or something. He thumbed through his closet and landed on a shirt he knew showed off his physique a bit, and added a spray of his new cologne before heading to the restaurant Kim would be meeting him at. When he arrived he settled into the table and perused the white wine list, selecting a bottle that looked generic enough but good enough for them to enjoy. Something about the restaurant name on the menu tickled his memory but he couldn’t place it, so he shrugged it off. When Kim arrived in a stylish but flattering green dress and that same bright pink lipstick from the night before, his heart and brain went into overdrive again. Want. Shouldn’t. MUST. And then that quieter feeling again. Why? He stood up to greet her, giving her a soft but meaningful kiss on the cheek. She blushed a little and smiled before sitting down, and his mantra repeated itself. Want. Shouldn’t. MUST. A fleeting memory of a young Shannon blushing after he kissed her cheek floated in front of him and made him smile.
They enjoyed lunch and conversation again, flirting easily as she talked about her days dating a famous musician and Eddie talked about some of his funniest calls as a firefighter, as well as all the things he loved about Chris. It was dangerous territory for him, as he avoided specific stories about Shannon or their life together. After they finished what had turned into another very long meal, they laughed at how they’d lost track of time again. She leaned easily into Eddie as he slid his hand around her lower back to guide her out the exit and to the sidewalk, and that same feeling of familiarity he’d had when she touched his cheek filled his body with warmth. Naturally, God chose that moment to laugh his ass off at him, and they made it three steps outside the restaurant before running into the last person on earth he’d hoped to see. Buck froze in his tracks, causing Tommy to run into his back with an oof. Buck’s eyes went wide with shock, and his mouth fell open as tried to force some semblance of a word out. “Sh…Shannon?”
Eddie’s stomach plummeted down into his feet. THAT was why this restaurant name had seemed familiar, Buck had mentioned wanting to try it out the previous week for some polenta dish they were becoming famous for. Kim paused and looked at him with curiosity before Eddie quickly stammered out “Uh.. hey. Hey Buck, Tommy. This is Kim.”
He nodded at Tommy, who’s eyes quickly flitted between Buck and Eddie, then Kim. “Hey Eddie, how’s it going?” Tommy tried for light, but the confusion in his voice was evident. “Nice to meet you Kim” he said softer, and to Eddie’s surprise without offering a hand to shake.
“Nice to meet you!” Kim offered cheerily, before glancing at Buck. Buck stayed rooted to the spot he’d froze in with his mouth half open, but now his brows were morphing into something like confusion. He looked Kim’s face over again, pausing at her bright pink lipstick then back to Eddie… and now there was a touch of anger in his expression. Eddie was really starting to panic now, his pulse skyrocketing and his hand going sweaty, and he knew with every fiber of his being that Buck knew exactly what was happening in front of him. Taking the cowards way out, Eddie quickly spit out “Well, it was good to see you guys but we’ve got to get going!” He guided Kim forward with what he hoped was a reassuring smile, but couldn’t help but glance back at the couple they had just high tailed away from. Buck was partially turned to him with slumped shoulders, a frown, and a look of hurt in his eyes that Eddie knew would haunt him for the rest of his life. His heart and mind pulsed again but this time with a loud chorus of pissed off wasps: BZZZ, BZZZ, BZZZ. As he guided Kim to her car he gave a quick excuse that the two they had passed were fellow firefighters but they weren't super close. The lie burned in his mouth but he needed to keep this separate, his fantasy separate from real life for as long as possible. Vaguely he realized again this was insane but the panic began to rise if he let the thought flourish, so he shoved it down and focused on Kim and her smile as he drove home.
An hour later, Eddie received a text from Buck:
Hey Eds, I wasn’t sure if I should even text but I just.. Wanted to check. I know what I saw, and I know I’m not one to judge here so… if you need to talk I’m here. I really want to understand what’s going on with you.
Eddie reads it but doesn’t respond. 15 minutes later another message comes in.
Eddie, please just call me when you can.
We've been through a lot worse man, talk to me
His fingers ached to text or call him back, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Couldn't bear the thought of Buck hating him and couldn't bear to face reality. 20 minutes later, a final text came in.
Please don’t do this to yourself. Or Chris.
Eddie swore loudly and chucked his phone towards the living room. It hit the couch with a thump before falling to the ground. Buck couldn't understand, would never understand this desperate need he had to feel the rekindled warmth and joy he felt when he was with Kim. Buck didn't know the voice firm and loud in his head that sounded suspiciously like his father that said he NEEDED this second chance to change something and make his life right. He leaned his face into his hands on the counter for a moment before straightening up, running his hand up to smooth his hair, and putting on the perfect veneer of Eddie Diaz that he'd been wearing for as long as he could remember.