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“Dean, I love you.” Cas’s words seemed to ring off of the concrete walls.
Dean had prepared himself for many possibilities when Cas had knocked on his door late in the evening. “I need to tell you something. Please just let me finish before you say anything. I won’t bring it up again if you don’t want me to, but I need you to know.”
Murder? Not great, but rarely quite such a big deal. Had Jack told him something that they needed to worry about? Was he having trouble with Amara? But why wasn’t Sam here then? Did Cas find out something bad about Eileen? Maybe the spell had a draw back Sam didn’t know about and Cas wanted his opinion on what to do before they told him. Perhaps it was nothing quite so serious and Cas had decided that he couldn’t wait for Dean to watch the last episode of the Mandalorian. Dean would be a little hurt, but he knew how boring it must get to be awake all 24 hours of every day, he could let it slide if they could watch it together later.
“I’ve changed a lot in the years we’ve known each other. I couldn’t have predicted when I pulled you out of hell what would follow… That I would have the chance to fight along side you and to know you, let alone that I would want to.”
Oh god, is he leaving? Fuck, what did I do? Is he being threatened? Can’t he ask Jack for help? He shouldn’t have to leave. Or what if he’s been poisoned? Same deal really, when your kid is God it’s hard to be truly helpless.
“I’ve always felt we had a special connection. Even weeks after we met I found myself trusting you with things I had never thought to say out loud before. And apparently my feelings about you were fairly obvious to every angel, demon, monster, and person I encountered.”
I’m too much of a liability. Maybe now that Chuck is gone he wants to kill me. What will Sam think? I don’t want Sam to hunt him down, but he won’t let me go that easy. Maybe I could talk Cas out of it. He normally doesn’t want me to die, it could just be a bad day.
“A few years ago I made a deal. Jack was dead and heaven was under attack by the Shadow, demanding that he be taken to the empty. I needed to make sure his soul could get back to his body, so I offered my life in exchange for his.”
Oh god, he is going to die. He’s going to leave me. I knew he would leave me. Why now? Why after all this time. Can’t Jack do anything about it? He’s going to die. He’s going to die. I can’t let him die again. He’s going to leave me.
“It agreed, but instead of taking me then, said it would take me when I finally allowed myself to be happy. I didn’t worry about it for a while… I couldn’t imagine myself being truly happy. But after we beat Chuck, I started to wonder if it might be possible. If I might really be able to be happy one day.”
“Cas…” Dean’s voice, broken and quiet, entered the air. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. Cas was going to die and it sounded like he had made up his mind about it.
“I prayed to Jack about it, asking if there was something he could work out with the empty. Just if he was willing to try. Earlier this afternoon he dropped by to tell me that he took care of it, that I didn’t need to worry anymore. So here I am…. My stuff is packed in the other room, so you really don’t need to worry.”
He’s not going to die, but he’s still leaving? He’s going to go find his true happiness somewhere else. He’s not happy here. I don’t make him happy. Of course I’m not his true happiness. Who wants to live in a bachelor pad with me and my brother forever. He’s an angel! A fucking angel. Of course he’s going to go find his happiness.
“Dean, you are the most caring and loving man I will ever know. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. And because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you.”
“Cas, why are you saying this. Why are you leaving, Cas?” He’s gonna leave me. He’s gonna leave me. He’s gonna leave me.
“Dean, I love you.”
For a moment it was as though the world had stopped. Dean’s heart beat thundered in his ears but he wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t breathe.
And then, the world started spinning again.
“How long?” The words, almost a whisper, were out of his mouth before he had decided to say them.
Cas wrinkled his brow. Whatever he had expected, it wasn’t this, though he wasn’t quite sure what “this” was yet. “What?”
Dean’s lip quivered, the panic of moments earlier dissipating as it was replaced with rage. Slowly, he spit out the question again. “How. Long.”
Again, Cas waited, head tilting ever so slightly to the side as though he was hearing from the wrong angle. When no more information was provided, he replied warily. “Dean, I don’t understand.”
Dean’s stomach churned as a flood of emotions surged through him. As always, anger boiled above all. He growled, “How long have you been in love with me?”
Cas recognized the tone immediately, but he had come this far and if Dean wanted a fight, well… Castiel always came when he called. Though the tone warranted a gruff and quick response, one which Castiel had been ready to give, the question was not one he had a clear answer on. He hesitated, weighing his options which ranged unhelpfully from “since the moment I touched your soul in hell” to “since you gave me an extra slice of bacon for breakfast last Tuesday” and probably anything in between.
However, it seemed his hesitation had been answer enough.
“All this time!?” Dean’s voice had shot up several decibels, skipping straight to a yell.
Castiel flinched, not at the noise but the reaction. Though he tried to prepare for any outcome, assuring himself that it would be better to have it off his chest and be kicked out of Dean’s life forever than to have to suffer by his side without having tried, he had almost convinced himself that Dean could do no worse than say he didn’t feel the same way. “I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have said any-“
But Dean was already yelling again. “All this time! All the shit that we’ve been through! I can’t fucking believe this. Here I thought…. The weeks on end where you wouldn’t answers a goddamn call!!! It took adopting a fucking kid to get you to stay at the bunker for more than a few days in a row. Hell, I thought you were about to fucking leave AGAIN. That your true happiness was something you were gonna go fuck off and look for now that you were free. But all this time?! You DIED Cas! You were DEAD! I tried to kill myself! But after you got back, I told myself it was enough just for you to be alive. And I thought you’d never forgive me for how horrible I was to Jack. But all this time!!!! For years I didn’t even think it was possible for you to love someone, or even want anything physical since you were just borrowing the body. Maybe you had a crack in your chassis or whatever, but not big enough for something like love. Just for making your own choices.”
Dean’s volume lowered slowly but surely as he wore himself out with his talking. “I thought maybe that was why you left me in purgatory. All those nights I sat up, thinking about trying to find you and wondering if maybe purgatory had set you back to your original settings or whatever and you no longer had it in you to care about me at all. And even once I saw how easily you loved Jack… I just figured, maybe I was only a good friend to you.”
With that, Dean, who had shot to his feet in his temper, slumped back onto his bad, face resting on his palms and elbows resting on his knees. Deep down he knew there should be a spark of joy, but as the anger had subsided, it was replaced with despair as he mourned the relationship they could have had over all these years of one of them had simply spoken up.
Cas, thoroughly defeated, kept his feet glued to their spot. “Dean… I’m so sorry. I was not trying to deceive you. Honestly, it took me many years to figure out what I was feeling, but you have always been my friend first and foremost, that was never a lie.”
Dean’s head lifted from his hands and he scowled and rolled his eyes. “I’m not saying you lied to me, man. I get it, it’s not like I said anything either, most loving man you’ve met or whatever.” He sighed and dropped his head again.
Cas was confused. He pondered for a second, turning the words over in his head, before slowly asking, “It’s not like you said what either?”
Dean looked up again, seeming almost frustrated, “That I love you, Cas. You didn’t tell me sooner, but I didn’t tell you either so I guess it’s my fault too.”
The world dropped out from below Cas’s feet as reality rearranged around him. “That you… what??” He wanted to move. To fly circles around the solar system. To hug Dean. To jump for joy. But he was unable to so much as breathe for fear of the blocks tumbling back into their previous spot and out of this precarious and joyous moment.
Dean lifted himself off the bed, carefully covering the distance between then until he stood directly in front of Cas.
He reached a hand out, placing it familiarly on the side of Cas’s shoulder. “Cas, of course I love you back. That’s why I’ve been yelling— I’ve been in love with you for years. We could have been together all this time!” Dean paused, lifting a hand up to his mouth, rubbing at the stubble on his jaw. “Did you think I was angry at you for being in love with me?”
Cas didn’t reply, but Dean knew the answer as Cas’s eyes dropped to his shoes.
“Oh, Cas…” Dean sighed, pulling the angel into a tight hug, one arm wrapped around his back and the other resting on his shoulder, gently cradling his neck.
Cas’s arms timidly snaked around Dean’s back as he let his head be guided to rest on Dean’s shoulder. As the shock of rejection slipped into the sweet relief of acceptance Cas felt tears start to well up in his eyes, dripping directly onto the shoulder of Dean’s Henley. It took Cas sniffling before Dean realized that he was crying, still pressed against him in a hug much longer than they had ever allowed before. He slowly started swaying them side to side, running a hand reassuringly against the back of Cas’s head.
After a moment of thought, he shyly leaned over and placed a soft kiss on the top of Cas’s head. “It’s okay, Cas. I love you. I’m sorry I scared you. I would never be angry at you for telling me something like that. You are so important to me. And hell,” he chuckled softly, “I’ve forgiven you for plenty of actual bad things, and you, me. I can’t imagine holding it against you even if I only loved you as my best friend.”
Cas tried to raise his head to look at Dean, but the hand on the back of his neck redirected him back down. “Just another second, I’m sorry. It’s easier to tell you without having to look you in the eyes, but I want you to know…” Cas rested his head again willingly, wrapping his arms tighter around Dean to reassure him as he spoke.
“Cas… I’ve loved you for so long now. I hate how many times I’ve lost you and that Chuck only brought you back as some sort of play toy, but I just…. Every time you’re gone— every time you die or walk out the door or even when I just wake up and can’t remember for a second that you’re okay… I worry that I won’t make it if you don’t come back. That I won’t be able to keep on without you. And I know that sounds clingy and stupid. But last time you died… I don’t know how much Jack has told you, or how much he even knew… I wasn’t the same, man. And when you came back, I swore I’d tell you, but I didn’t want to freak you out just having come back to life, and then things went back to normal, whatever the fuck that even means for us, and I lost the guts…. Anyway, rambling aside, thank you. Thanks for being brave enough to say what I couldn’t for all these years. Now that Chuck is gone, maybe this is the best time for us to be happy, ya’ know?”
Dean’s hands shook a little where they still rested on Cas, but he had said his piece. Once again, Cas went to lift his head, this time with Dean’s hand relenting and finding its spot on his shoulder again instead. Dean watched nervously as Cas’s mouth opened slightly to reply before shutting again. Then, cautiously, Cas leaned towards Dean, connecting their lips gently. They were even warmer than he had imagined. Dean’s hand slipped up to Cas’s jaw, resting on the stubble and tilting his head ever so slightly as Dean leaned into the kiss.
When they finally pulled apart, Dean mentally lamenting having to breathe, both had tear stains on their faces and goofy smiles that lit up their eyes. Dean reached to wipe a tear off of Cas’s cheek, letting his hand linger as Cas nuzzled against it.
“I’ve had so many years, Dean. Millennia spent without even considering death or life or anything at all. And only since knowing you, having rebelled for you and fought with you and died for you over and over, have I truly felt like I was living at all. In these short few years I have done and been my best, have done and been my worst, and have learned more than the heavens and the earth could ever show me. I know time feels limited to you by laws of mortality that don’t apply to me, but you will have me for as long as you are on earth and want me, and if, by some lucky draw on my part, you want more time, I will follow you to heaven as well and you can have me there until you can’t stand me anymore.” Castiel’s voice quivered as he spoke, tears still running down his cheek until they were wiped away on Dean’s thumb.
“You’ll be ready to get rid of me before I wanna get rid of you, bud.” Dean chuckled. But when Castiel frowned, he continued. “But maybe that’s a bet I don’t want to make, I’m not sure what currency will matter in heaven anyway.”
Castiel’s smile returned.
They lingered, unspeaking, simply looking at each other misty-eyed and love-struck. After moments longer than they would have allowed before, Cas cleared his throat. “I should probably go unpack my bag so that Sam doesn’t worry when he walks by my room.”
Dean nodded and took a step back, watching as Cas turned to walk out the door before adding, “Or you could just bring your bag in here instead? Wouldn’t mind sharing my space… ya know, since I like you so much.”
Cas looked over his shoulder, his smile widening further across his face. “Since I like you so much, I suppose I’ll accept.”
He shook his head as he walked out the door and down the hallway towards his room.
Dean waited for him to clear the hallway before sprinting the other direction to the library, finding Sam sitting at the table with his laptop. He glanced up as Dean skidded into the room, concern on his face. “Everything alright Dean? I heard you yelling. Things okay between you and Cas?”
Dean waved his hand, “Yeah yeah things are peachy. Just wanted to tell you that we aren’t doing movie night tonight so you and Eileen are on your own. Cas and I will be watching something very serious and manly in my room instead.”
Sam’s brow scrunched, but before he could ask for any clarification, Dean added, “Yeah also Cas is gonna just use my room now so if you need him don’t look in his he won’t be there. Anyway, I might be out for dinner by I wouldn’t count on it. Only call if it’s an emergency and it’s only an emergency if the fucking world is ending again. Goodnight!”
And with that, Dean turned tail and ran back out the way he came, a stupid grin plastered to his face.
“It’s 3 in the afternoon??? What the hell is going on?” Sam leapt to his feet, running down the hallway after Dean.
Arriving at Dean’s door, Sam swung it open, his mouth dropping at the sight before him. Castiel, sprawled out on Dean’s bed with his suit jacket and his trench coat on a chair on the other side of the room, with Dean Winchester, lady’s man, laying across him, lips locked with the angel in what was a down right filthy kiss. On the bed next to them were a small pile of dvd cases, each touting a decidedly not macho rom-com title.
Sam had been standing there for a full 30 seconds before a sound managed to leave his gaping jaw. Without even looking back, Dean grunted out, “I said goodnight, Sammy!”
With that, the door swung shut, pushed by angelic intentions, and Sam was left sputtering in the hallway, with lots to ponder and more to never think about again.