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That tingling feeling in his head was persistent in not letting go of Obi-Wan. It was there, just up his neck, constantly growing more annoying.
They had landed near Theed about an hour ago, the army of the Gungans already marching up and getting ready to fight. Something hung above them that tainted the Force, a looming threat calling into the surrounding. It was almost like a whisper in the distance that he was too far away from.
The handmaidens of the queen had gathered around her, his master was waving his hand through the air towards the castle. Qui-Gon stood tall in the gleaming sunlight, the gray streaks glistering in the thick brown mane. Obi-Wan had watched him often over the last decade, his patience was something he had always looked up to. But there was something that bothered the padawan right there. His eyes wandered over the prominent profile and the bright blue eyes. Something just didn't feel right.
Obi-Wan just sent Captain Panaka along his way when his master stepped over to him. While his appearance was placid, inside of him, he sensed unease.
“Master, does the upcoming battle worry you?”
It felt like a stupid question after he had spoken out loud, they were going into battle. It was not their first, that was true, but a battle after all and the strange sensation did not lighten the mood. Qui-Gon sighed and crossed his arms. Obi-Wan saw the muscles in his jaw working.
“Normally, none of this would worry me but I feel that something is waiting for us, something we cannot properly prepare for.”
“I felt it too. It's strange, I don't know how to deal with that. There is a constant tingling in my neck that I cannot get rid of.”
A warm, heavy hand found his shoulder and Obi-Wan felt the warm gaze of Qui-Gon on him. It was something that had gotten better over the years, his constant overthinking of what awaited them. Only slowly, he had grasped the idea of the moment like his master did all his life.
“We have to keep a calm head when the assault starts. The queen and all of Naboo rely on us to help them succeed, we have to be at the best possible state we can.”
Obi-Wan nodded but lowered his head. Worrying about those they protected was normal, empathy had to be one of their strong suits to properly do their deeds, but it was not the soldiers he was afraid for.
“We should withdraw and use the rest of the time to meditate,” Qui-Gon offered, already turning both of them towards the ship. Obi-Wan nodded again and followed his master who gave him a warm look over his shoulder.
Since the moment in the council chambers, he was unsure how to address the matter with his master. They all knew how he was, his behavior was almost legendary in regards to confrontations with the code and council itself. If the force spoke to him, Qui-Gon would follow. It seemed strange, even outlandish to other jedi who were more like Obi-Wan, who obeyed the code and saw its usefulness. Doubting Qui-Gon in something that he himself could not understand felt wrong.
All the noise of the upcoming battle vanished when the doors closed behind them. The Nubian lay abandoned and quiet, the rooms empty except for some of the queen's dresses. In the small sleeping quarter for the crew, Qui-Gon came to a hold and sat down cross legged. Obi-Wan stood in the doorframe, his hands shaking under his robe. He didn't know why but his pulse sped up. The flow of hair, the massive body lowering to the ground, it drilled into his chest.
The quick glimpse of eyes brought Obi-Wan along eventually yet his hands clawed into the fabric of his pants. The floor was frigid and sucked the heat from his fingers when he sat down, the coldness slowly eating itself through his clothes.
When he closed his eyes and breathed deeply repeatedly, Obi-Wan felt them. The ship disappeared around him yet the field opened wide and revealed all the single souls roaming the forests and meadows. The gungans were a bright sea of life, a wild mix of individuals flooding their surroundings with hope and the will to fight. Even the smallest creatures swooshed through the air or crawled over the hull of the ship. All of it seemed normal, the Force understandably disrupted by the local war but otherwise colorful and alive as it should be.
“The galaxy will go on, no matter what happens today.”
Qui-Gon's voice was quiet but serious, the dark rumble almost palpable. What he spoke was the truth but would it turn out to be that easy?
“But Master, there is something waiting for us there and-”
“- then we will encounter it like we always did. The Force has a plan and we will see what we will have to stand up to when the moment arrives. Stay here with me, Obi-Wan.”
The apprentice breathed as deep as he could, the rushes of air slowly draining into his limbs to stop the shaking. He heard his master next to him; the deep breaths and soft rumbling in his throat, the gentle rustling of clothes when his torso moved. The force balled itself around Qui-Gon, the swirls and glimmers dancing around him while he gave himself up to the whispers completely. Obi-Wan opened his eyes, resting on the body that radiated calmness into the air.
The pressure in his chest rose. The whisper, so far away, came closer but was just as incomprehensible as it had been before. The tone was what scared him; it was soothing, comforting. It was not as comforting as the cold nights under the stars that he spent in the warm embrace of his master's arms but came with the tingling that nourished that painful clutch to his chest.
Qui-Gon was there right next to him but the longer Obi-Wan focused on him, the more intense the feeling grew. He reached out, his fingers barely brushing his shoulder when the apprentice gasped. Fragments of pictures and noises flew by, red sparks and ripped open, blue eyes stared into his soul.
Instantly, Obi-Wan let go and fell to his hands. Sweat ran down his forehead, his breath burned in his dried up throat. It couldn't be the truth. It couldn't be Qui-Gon's death waiting for them behind those walls. From all the people going into this battle, it could not be his master who would not return.
Strong hands reached for his shoulders and wanted to lift him up but Obi-Wan broke free from the grasp and jumped to his feet. He could feel his teeth grinding against each other, puckering flared up in his temples that spread at an alarming rate over his face. The dusty wall in front of him grew blurry, the grains and stains mixing to a gray-silvery mess.
“Obi-Wan?”
Qui-Gon rose, his heavy steps slowly coming closer. Obi-Wan felt the hand reaching out to him but it stopped before it touched his apprentice, who was shaking from head to toe. It was a faint brush against his mind but Obi-Wan could not interact with it. The tendril his master sent out wanted to probe his thoughts, look for the origin of this unfamiliar outburst but he was denied.
“Padawan, what bothers you so much? Nothing has ever shaken you like this before-”
“You have never died before!” Obi-Wan pressed out, his arms tightly wrapped around his chest. It had hit him like a fist straight to his face, the realization of the looming threat that hovered above them. As if the death that fed itself after war wasn't enough.
A long sigh chimed before the hands finally reached him again, slowly turning his apprentice towards him. Obi-Wan hung his head low. The tears that welled in his eyes could not be pushed back, no matter how hard the padawan tried. The heat of his master seeped the fabric until Obi-Wan could feel it on his skin. He was unable to move, every step towards the door felt like a step towards their doom.
“Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon started again but stopped when his apprentice shook his head.
Of course he wanted to sooth him, of course he did. His death awaited him and he was as calm and collected as ever while Obi-Wan could not accept the fate that seemed inevitable.
“I can't lose you,” the padawan pressed out, his fingers firmly dug into his tunic.
“It is not said that you will, Padawan. A vision does not have to show you reality. Its fragments the force shows you; what could be, not what has to be.”
“But what if it is the truth? If I do lose you?”
Silence. The nudges against Obi-Wan's mind stopped. Qui-Gon's hands tensed on his shoulder and then let go. The padawan looked up, wanting to make a step towards his master whose face was drawn with fine lines around his eyes, but Qui-Gon was quicker. He wrapped his strong arms around his apprentice and pulled him close.
The artificial lights vanished under the big frame and cloak when Obi-Wan's face pressed against the rigid clothes that smelled so much like his master. He was warm and soft despite his size, the same hands that could crush a droid's head rested faintly on his hair, gently scratching his scalp. Obi-Wan heard the heartbeat, strong and rhythmic. How many nights had he spent listening to it, the comforting knowledge that he was safe there no matter what happened to them, soothing him to sleep when nothing else would. Desperately, Obi-Wan reached around Qui-Gon, digging his fingers into his robe.
“What will I do without you?”
His voice was but a whimper. Everything that was happening, not just the conflict on Naboo, was overwhelming. Since they met Maul for the first time, an ancient danger had reappeared from the shadows. They were standing at the edge of a new time and Obi-Wan feared that he had to encounter that alone, something that he did not feel ready for.
While standing closely, the time dripped away without them knowing. Qui-Gon did not answer his questions but Obi-Wan felt his bearded chin resting on his auburn hair; he was thinking. That time it was Obi-Wan who reached out. His master's mind was rumbling, his thoughts entwined but open to the attempt. Qui-Gon answered the shaking tendril that slithered up to him. He needed answers to that, needed the reassurance that it would be alright and none of his fears was of reason.
“You will walk on like the Jedi you are,” Qui-Gon finally spoke though his voice was audibly uneasy. Obi-Wan froze. That was not what he wanted to hear. He already opened his mouth but was hushed by a tender kiss on his forehead.
That brush of lips against his skin shot through him like lightning. Obi-Wan leaned back to look up but Qui-Gon avoided his gaze while his grasp eased rapidly. It was his padawan who clung to him, pressing himself against the strong body that wanted to move away with a shame he had never felt from his master before.
“Obi-Wan, you have to listen to me carefully. I meant what I said. I am proud of the Jedi you have become and I know that whatever the force will send your way, you will succeed. Know that I have enjoyed the years we spent together, no matter what happens, and I have learned just as much from you as you have learned from me. If I have to leave, you will always have me with you.”
A wave of comfort and love washed over Obi-Wan, whose knees were shaking until he lowered himself to the ground again. His head banged against the wall what he didn't even feel with the pounding in his temples. A jedi learned to let go, they knew old life ended and new began, as that was the flow of the universe. He had lost friends and close ones before but none of them felt as grueling as the thought of losing Qui-Gon. There was something different about him that the others didn't have, something deeper than sneaking around the temples past curfew with friends.
Slowly, Qui-Gon kneeled next to him, pity etched into his face. When the strong fingers brushed through his padawan's hair, he mumbled something Obi-Wan couldn't hear. His voice was warm but streaked with pain, a dribble of the emotions that had just washed over him.
“Is there anything you want us to talk about before we join the others again?”
Time was running, the rumbling of the gungan battleships outside drilled inside with the masses of soldiers arriving. Obi-Wan rested his head on his knees, the lone thought of going back outside froze his legs in place. Without looking up, he tucked on Qui-Gon's sleeve. His master instantly sat down next to him, pulling him in for a one sided hug that continued as Obi-Wan would not let go. Gentle strokes over his arm made him only lean onto his master more.
Thinking about the difference between Qui-Gon and his other friends, he did not dare to speak his mind. As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew what made that all so much more hurtful.
“I don't know if my heart can heal when I lose you.”
“Your heart will heal and you will find other friends who-”
“-but you are not just my friend, Qui-Gon, can't you see that?”
The gentle rubs stopped. Obi-Wan heard his master's breath getting stuck in his throat, the arm tensing around him.
“Please, Master, listen I-...” Obi-Wan began but could not utter more words. They were not forbidden to love but their lives were risky and losing people could bring up emotions too dangerous to engage with. Admitting something like that was difficult enough to begin with but confessing it to his master felt even more challenging.
Qui-Gon didn't move, his eyes were fixed to his own hand resting on Obi-Wan's arm. The rumbling in his head was almost audible for his apprentice who had watched the small twitches under his eyes when he was in thoughts. Despite that fact, Obi-Wan could not decipher it.
“I know it is not my place. I know that I shouldn't. It's unfitting for our status, I am but a Padawan and you’re a Master, my Master. But I could not fight it, all this time with you. The training sessions, the meditation, fights and discussions we had… You have protected me until now. I thought it was appreciation but-”
Obi-Wan managed to finally lift himself up, placing a hand on Qui-Gons chest. His master looked up, the blue eyes filled with confusion and shame that hurt Obi-Wan's heart but they had reached the point of no return. His eyes still burned when he met the gaze that tried to avoid him first but a silent sob made Qui-Gon finally turn towards him.
“I tried to deny it. I wondered what made you so different from the others until I realized. I love you and nothing will change that, not even you.”
Qui-Gon's eyes wandered back and forth between the green that was still blurred by tears. When no answer chimed, Obi-Wan reached out again with every emotion he had. His shields dropped and a rushing gush of gratitude and love flooded their bond. When the silence remained, Obi-Wan sighed. Even if Qui-Gon could not return his feelings, it was the right thing to tell him before whatever happened.
“I-...can only apologize. I have misinterpreted your gesture. Forgive me, Master.”
The pain of rejection stung worse than the pounding in his head, burning like a hot nail hammered into his chest. The touch felt wrong, forced by a man too uncomfortable to speak but too dutiful to let go, so Obi-Wan did it himself. He broke the embrace and wanted to get up yet a pull on his robe kept him down. Qui-Gon did not look at him but something was moving inside of him. His blank expression grew more pained, a deep furrow digging itself between his pulled together eyebrows.
“Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon mumbled hoarsely. His lips were twitching, practicing words yet unspoken before he finally looked at his padawan. What felt like a mountain to hide his thoughts crumbled, a pulsating light greeted the hesitant tendrils that were afraid what to find. Qui-Gon's mind was a mess, a heavy mix of shame and hesitation but they were overshadowed by a bright love that shone through the gaps that he tried to hold up. His pulse echoes in Obi-Wan's mind, gradually pushing away the throbbing that finally died down. His master took his padawan's hand and placed it back on his chest.
“Oh, Obi-Wan.”
They finally really looked at each other. Obi-Wan felt the heaving of his chest, the strong heart under his fingertips. His lips twitched, he felt his ears getting hot. Qui-Gon's tone was perpetually soft and warm, a caress to his ears with a ring that went straight for his chest.
“You have taken this old man's heart long ago but never would I have hoped to learn it is reciprocated.”
Right at that moment, everything left Obi-Wan's head except for the echo of Qui-Gon's heartbeat. Did he just…
A large hand cupped Obi-Wan's cheek, causing the padawan to tremble and smile. A thumb brushed over a dimple, giving his master the same expression. The stoic self that he put forward whenever they were on their way melted, warm lines under his eyes grew more prominent the broader his smile grew.
“Those dimples. You have no idea how much I love them.”
It may have been for the lack of thought that Obi-Wan plummered forward but when he came to rest on his master's chest, his own face just an inch away from Qui-Gons, it didn't matter. Being so close, he saw the warmth and love in full intensity that pulsated along their bond.
When their lips met, Obi-Wan heard himself gasp. His master felt so much softer than he had ever expected, the brush of beard against his chin prickled on his skin. Fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. Their minds pulsated against each other, entwining and showering each other in their hidden feelings. Whatever had plagued his mind, it didn't matter. There was only Qui-Gon; his distinctive smell, the long hair brushing his hands that wandered up to his master's shoulders. The fire that was flaring in his chest burst up before it faded and left him with a fulfilling lightness. A calm swell rushed over them both floating within an ocean of serenity. Qui-Gon's shaking gasp separated them but Obi-Wan reached back, cupping Qui-Gon's face.
After more tender kisses were shared, Obi-Wan sank to his chest, his master's arms wrapped around him. The force rested over them like a blanket, comfortable and warm, after he moved to Qui-Gon's lap. They sat there, bathing in each other's company until a knock on the door broke the peace. A voice chimed that turned out to be Captain Panaka.
“Jedi, we are done with the preparations. The queen requests your attendance.”
Qui-Gon sighed but raised his voice after a moment.
“We will be there soon. Thank you, Captain.”
Though they knew it couldn't wait forever, they remained on the ground. Obi-Wan pressed his face against his master's chest, their fingers entwined. He didn't want to break the silence as if it was his to decide when their duty called. Qui-Gon placed some kisses on his forehead before they rose to their feet.
Some quick strokes over their robes restore their professionality. Before they turned to leave, Qui-Gon took a last brush of his palms against Obi-Wan's cheek, gliding over the dimples, and spoke softly.
“No matter what will happen, you will never be alone. I will always be with you, my heart, my Obi-Wan, wherever we will go.”
Obi-Wan followed the reach of hand until they left through the door. The silence of the room was ripped apart by the roaring thunder of engines and the rattling of heavy weaponry. The tranquility of the room was replaced with the tenseness of the Force.
It was time to encounter their destiny which had changed already altogether.