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If it were anyone else, Tim Bradford would have struggled to make such an admission anywhere least of all the elevator at the police station, but looking into the eyes of the one and only Lucy Chen, the person he loves most in the world, it was easy to say, “You will never know how much I appreciate the kindness you’ve shown me, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to pay it back in whatever small doses you allow.” With one last look, he turned around just in time for the elevator doors to open. He flashed her a partial smile, said, “Good night,” and stepped out to walk into the parking structure towards his truck.
Lucy hesitated. He was so vulnerable and honest in that special way she hardly ever saw but basked in it whenever she got a glimpse of it. Ultimately, she decided she should say SOMETHING. Tim was so sweet with all of the olive branches he extended between dropping off a birthday card for her and recognizing how she treated him in the wake of their break up. She stepped out of the elevator, her lungs completely empty, and then she stopped walking. Though a rarity, he had rendered her speechless, and Lucy was not exactly sure how to respond. The distinct beep of his truck being unlocked echoed throughout the concrete structure, and that was enough impetus to launch her into action. “You didn’t ruin everything,” she sputtered out more urgently and loudly than she expected.
Tim thought he must have been imagining hearing her voice, a figment of his imagination conjured by his subconscious in his desperation to hear if his speech in the elevator had elicited any sort of reaction out of her. But her distinct footsteps were getting louder behind him, and he knew he was not imagining that. Hope tugged at his midsection causing him to partially turn, but he did not have enough to fully twist around.
“Back there, you said you ruined everything, but you didn’t,” she repeated herself more gently. Because his back was still partially facing her, Lucy decided to step around him, forcing Tim to look into her eyes. “You didn’t,” she whispered.
“I did. I have a lot of baggage, Lucy, and I brought it into our relationship. I couldn’t give us a fair shot because of that.”
“Who doesn’t have baggage, Tim? We all do. I want you to sort yours out. I want you to be in a place where you know who you are, so you can be a good partner to me. Give me small doses of kindness starting by taking care of yourself. Get another therapist. Have them help you see that you aren’t broken beyond repair like you think you are or even that we’re permanently over.”
His eyes grew wide at that. “W-we aren’t?”
“Do you want us to be?”
“I…I didn’t think I had a choice. I even told Dr. London that I know you would never take me back.”
“Guess you don’t know me as well as I thought you did,” she said while offering him a faltering smile. “I’m not saying I would take you back right away, because nothing or no one has ever hurt me the way you did.” To add levity, she also said half jokingly, “And I’ve been buried alive and had to be revived.”
He shook his head, trying to keep his lips from curving.
“You and I both know love doesn’t just evaporate. Not like ours,” she murmured.
“I know. I know I could never stop…” the rest of that unfinished sentence floated in the air.
“Then start loving yourself first. Start seeing the great man I see. The guy who lets me steal all the covers even if it means he’ll get the cold. The man who doesn’t say a word when I make him watch another episode of ‘Property Brothers’, because you know it makes me happy. The person who comes running whenever I need him. The guy that will get up in the middle of the night to be my backup. The one that holds me even when I say I’m fine, because he knows I’m not. The man who believes in me more than I believe in myself.” Her eyes started burning with tears, but she willed her eyes to keep them at bay. “God, Tim, you think you’re some terrible person who has made too many mistakes that you don’t deserve to be happy, but you do, and you know what? I deserve to be happy, too, and someday, I want to be happy with you again…if that’s something you still want.”
“It is,” he responded tightly while gripping the strap of his backpack so tightly to keep from touching her. Tim could see the way her eyes were shining and knew that she might cry; he itched to be the one to soothe her tears, but he lost that right.
“Okay, well then I look forward to these small doses of kindness you plan to show me.”
“Got any ideas? You’re sorta an expert, and I’m not.”
“You’ve proven you’re a damn good gift giver,” she replied playfully. “Start with finding a new therapist, and maybe invite me to a session or two. I know we have a lot of stuff to work out and discussions we need to have if we want to give this a real shot again.”
“I don’t know when I’ll be ready,” he said with anguish.
“There’s no deadline or anything. Take as long as you need to.”
He shut his eyes, steeling himself for something he knew he would have to say regardless of how his chest tightened even before he uttered, “I would never ask you to wait for me.”
“When Aaron tried to only live on his cop salary, one of the things he said was that after flying in private jets, he couldn’t see himself flying coach.”
“O-kay?” Tim replied awkwardly, unsure how Aaron fit into their conversation.
“You’re the private jet in this scenario, you dummy.” Even under the dim lighting of the parking structure, she still saw the moment his blue irises dazzled. Lightly, she cupped his cheek, mindful of the angry red cut under his eye. “For a second…I really thought I was gonna lose you today.”
“I was pretty sure I wasn’t gonna make it out of that truck alive, but then you jumped in, and I knew I’d be okay. There’s no one I trust more to have my six.”
“Same,” she said as she felt her mouth curl of its own volition. Lucy ran her thumb over the butterfly bandages on the cut below his eye. “Take care of this. I don’t want you to get a scar.”
“I have plenty, and none of them are pretty,” he replied, unhappiness lacing his voice.
“Your scars and their stories are part of who you are, so I love them all.”
“There’s that kindness again,” Tim noted.
“I’m only saying I don’t want you to get a scar right there, because I don’t want it to change how the lines on your face look when you smile.”
“Are you calling me old?”
“Everyone gets lines on their faces when they smile, and I really love yours.”
“What don’t you love about me?” He wondered after hearing her say the word over and over again.
“I’ll let you know when I come up with something.” She had to move her hand away from how she was incessantly caressing his cheek, but it was hard to peel away from him when it was the most physical contact they had experienced in a long while. Lucy slowly glided her fingers down his neck then over to his sling. “Make sure to ice this and take it easy for the next couple of days until you’re out of the sling.”
“Yeah, I will.” He appreciated her endless concern for him regardless of their situation.
“Okay,” she breathed and made a point to take a large step backwards, forcing her hands to drop away from him.
“Good night again,” Tim repeated himself, since he was ill prepared to say anything else.
Lucy watched as he started walking closer to the driver’s side door of his truck when something inside her propelled her forward, and suddenly, as if the magnets in the cells of her body that were always attracted to the magnets in his were restored to full strength, and she was back in his space within the blink of an eye. He bent his head low to meet her gaze, curiosity painting his features, and she wanted to explain herself for why she could not let him leave just yet, but therein was her problem; Lucy was absolutely incapable of letting Tim leave her again. He slipped through her fingertips before, and it gutted her; it was not a sensation she was looking forward to experiencing. She pushed up onto her tip toes, standing high enough to ghost his lips, but she would not go further. Lucy studied his expression, but if she was looking for surprise or trepidation, she could not find it when she searched his face. No, Tim was merely dazed, his lips slightly parted, his eyes tracking her lips and their distance from his, and his breathing most certainly ceased. She could have dropped down so her feet were firmly planted on the ground, but she loved defying gravity with him; she loved soaring though the galaxy on the Tim Bradford Express. Outside of her selfish enjoyment, they had a close call. She could have lost him. And after saving his life, he acknowledged it with a “thank you” unlike the countless times she had done so before. And then he bared his heart to her in an elevator after a truly taxing day as a testament to how he had truly started to grow and evolve. For all of those reasons, she was powerless to resist the urge. Lucy moved, and so did he, and then they were together for a moment; just two people whose lips were accustomed to slotting together with tongues that explored each other with dedication and adoration.
And then the moment was over. She set her feet back onto the concrete, breaking their fleeting yet passionate kiss; gravity reclaiming her from Tim’s clutches. Though she wanted to find a way to tell him it was a moment and not immediate absolution after everything, it was hard to verbalize the sentiment.
“I know,” he rasped, reading her mind in that uncanny telepathic way where he understood her without her having to say a word. “I’ll start looking for a new therapist tomorrow.” Tim tugged the door handle of his car, but he felt compelled to share one last truth after all that he had already divulged, “I, umm, I think you already know…I mean it goes without saying, but…I do love you, Lucy.”
Her heart threatened to burst; it was never small or insignificant to hear him say that regardless of how many times he told her of his feelings when they were together, and of course, somewhere deep down, she knew he had not stopped loving her despite their break up. “You know I love you, too, I mean, I wouldn’t jump onto the back of a moving truck for just anybody,” Lucy said with a bashful smile. She could never squander the sacredness of the statement, but she needed to set a boundary as they tried to navigate their relationship as two people that were not a couple…yet. “As much as I like hearing you say that, I think you shouldn’t…let’s start with those small doses first like you said.”
“Right.” He internally kicked himself, fearing he went too far.
“It’s okay, Tim,” she said, assuring him, since she could tell what he was thinking. “Good night.”
He exhaled deeply, feeling a tiny bit more settled after their discussion, and he watched as she walked over to her car where she glanced back at him, her eyes smiling, before climbing in and driving away, and then Lucy was gone…but not truly gone forever. Tim leaned heavily against the side of his truck as a grin overtook his face; he had confirmation he had not totally and irreparably ruined everything. He could possibly get her back. With tons of hard work and plenty of important discussions, he had a chance to have Lucy as his partner in all things again, and Tim was ready to dedicate himself to becoming the man he wanted to be and the man she deserved in order to make that happen.