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It seems childish to admit, but Makoto is fighting a losing battle against her feelings these days. Ever since awakening to Johanna, the contents of her heart are all unbearably clear.
There is no longer any room for half-truths or little white lies. Part of honoring the vow she made with Johanna is being true to herself, which includes addressing things that used to be all but ignored.
It wasn’t too bad at first. Learning that it was okay to be fed up with people pushing her around and that voicing disappointment in her life was valid helped her mental health a lot. It was what came after that proved to be the biggest issue.
Makoto has a lot of feelings concerning Ren Amamiya. Even though he had every reason to despise her at first, he never treated her with the same disdain that most of Shujin’s student body does. He was patient with her as she figured out what truly mattered to her, and he quite literally saved her life with the help of his teammates when she decided to do something unthinkably reckless.
As if all that wasn’t enough, he went out of his way to help her broaden her horizons. What started as mini-field trips for the pair became frequent outings between friends. For the first time in a while, Makoto found herself getting invites out to do things besides running errands for people.
She owes Ren so much for being such a cornerstone of her life, which is precisely why everything feels so crazy right now.
Recently, she has started to feel things that she doesn’t believe have any business coming from her own brain. The final bell for school has her immediately checking her phone for texts from Ren. When she spots him in the hallway, she feels like time is stopped as she waits for him to walk over and say something charming with that smirk she pretends to hate. She even holds her breath when in the Metaverse every time Ren picks someone to work alongside him, silently praying she gets a chance to back him up in combat. She is embarrassingly fascinated with his every move as Joker.
She could say that all that was born from some deep-seated admiration. The longing she feels to be with him could be chalked up to his own efforts to endear himself to people. In a lot of ways, this doesn’t have to be her fault. Ren Amamiya could just have an innately infectious presence. For all she knew, he could be employing actual magic to make her feel like this.
But at the end of the day, those are all just convenient excuses. The simple truth of it is that Makoto has fallen for Ren so intensely that stumbling through her life now seems to be the norm.
It is a truth that has taken quite a while to accept. After all, Makoto knows next to nothing about romance outside of the few stories her father had shared about dating her mother. While entertaining at the time, they certainly do not qualify as solid advice to lean on in times like this. She’s basically been flying blind since the realization set in.
Research is proving inadequate as well. It has always served her well for matters of education and testing, but no one can seem to agree on how to properly crush on a person or what to do when you suddenly have half your normal brain capacity because of one teenage boy.
The next logical option would be to get some outside opinions. Unlike the start of the year, she isn’t completely isolated from her schoolmates, so there are girls she can ask.
Unfortunately, the very reason she would be seeking them out is the reason she cannot ask them anything. As she climbs the stairs into Leblanc’s attic in a rather impulsive last-second decision, she is reminded of that reason immediately.
“Oh, hey, Makoto!”
Ann’s cheery greeting isn’t anything out of the ordinary. And much to Makoto’s chagrin, neither is the way she rests in between Ren’s legs. The two are lounging on his bed with Ann nestled against him like a human armchair as she snacks on a pulled apart cookie. They make no attempts to move at Makoto’s arrival.
“Hello,” she responds, hoping the twitch in her eye isn’t visible. “Sorry for dropping by unannounced. I was in the area and thought I’d stop by. Is it just the two of you here?”
“Yeah. I came over earlier to collect on a bet Ren lost to me. Baking me cookies was his punishment.”
Ren shakes his head. “Wasn’t even much of a punishment. I like baking, even though I’m not that good at it. You could have just asked me to do that normally.”
Ann sinks deeper against his torso. “I know, but I couldn’t think of anything else! I should have just asked you to move in with me and be my personal chef. I’d be in heaven…”
“Good to know where my value to you lies. And here I thought we were friends because you loved me.”
“I do love you, you dork. But can’t I get some free food out of it?”
“You’re starting to sound like Yusuke.”
“Oh god, you’re right.”
Ren chuckles at that, deep and strong, and it isn’t long before Ann joins in with her own boisterous laughter. Makoto can’t find it in herself to do the same.
Jealousy is foreign and exhausting. She hadn’t even known she had the capacity to feel it until recently.
She has always looked up to the girls of the Phantom Thieves and those connected to them. She knows so many incredible girls now, and there is so much she can learn from them as they continue to become better friends. But she isn’t the only one who can see how incredible they are.
Now, when she looks at those same girls and how close they are with Ren, things don’t feel the same. Now, she feels like she is actively losing a fight that she didn’t even know had begun.
Maybe it’s her fault for starting all this with that ‘fake relationship’ nonsense. She couldn’t have known what would happen in the future, but having Ren pose as her pretend boyfriend was the catalyst for her feeling the way she did. For a short few weeks, he played the role of devoted partner to her, sticking close during their travels and talking about her like she was the best thing to ever happen to him. Even when Eiko wasn’t around to see, he did his best to treat her like royalty. Was it really any surprise she had fallen as hard as she did?
But of course, the charade came to an end. Eiko was saved from a bad relationship and Makoto was forced to acknowledge how badly she wanted her fake one to become real. She still considers herself a coward for chickening out during their talk at Crossroads and not asking him out then. Even rejection would have put an end to her current headache.
Now they were back to being good friends who no longer had to act closer than they were. Makoto can now only count on the normal amount of attention from Ren as opposed to when they were fake dating. It would have satisfied her past self just fine. It feels extremely unsatisfactory to present-day Makoto, however, especially as she watches Ann so comfortable in her own bond with him.
The piece of cookie in Ann’s hand gets tossed up in the air on a course for her mouth, but Ren snatches it off its path and takes it for himself. Ann finally shifts her position to try and wrestle it away from him, but the nimblest of the Thieves simply rolls away and pops it into his mouth with a grin.
The resulting standoff doesn’t last much longer. Ann’s phone vibrates against Ren’s bed, so he makes a show of allowing her safe passage with a bow. Ann sputters out a laugh as goes to grab it.
“Oh, it’s for modeling,” she says, eyes widening at the screen. “I should take this. Be right back!”
Makoto’s too lost in her own thoughts to offer anything more than a half-hearted wave to her departing friend. Now that only she and Ren share the attic, it feels unbearably small. She can’t even think of what to say now after being caught so off guard earlier. Ren is probably taking pity on her odd look by focusing on fixing the ruined state of his bed.
It’s nice of him – consideration is second nature to him – but that isn’t enough to alleviate the way it feels like Makoto’s skin is burning all over.
“You two get along well,” she says out of nowhere.
Ren tilts his head back to look at her. “Hm?”
“You and Ann.”
“Oh.” Ren ponders that for a second but then goes back to fixing his sheets. “Yeah, I guess so. You know Ann, she just has that way of drawing you into her orbit. She’s got enough energy for all of us most days.”
“That she does.”
And Makoto means that. She loved – no, loves Ann’s almost boundless energy. She loves the way the girl who has suffered more than anyone can pour so much of herself into lighting up the lives of others. Ann is an inspiration even at age sixteen, and Makoto is being completely unreasonable wishing they could trade places.
But feelings aren’t often known for being reasonable, are they? If they were, things wouldn’t be spiraling out of control for her now.
“Hey.”
Makoto looks up to find that Ren had at some point finished with his bed and moved to stand in front of her. He tilts his head at her, making his glasses slide down a bit and giving her a better look at the cool gray of his eyes. It is unfair how beautiful he can make such a normally drab color.
“Everything okay?” he continues. “You’re making your ‘Niijima-brand overthinking’ face.”
“What the – what is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, normally that I did something stupid and you were figuring out how to punish me for it. But considering we haven’t been to the Metaverse in a while, and how I was a model citizen last time—”
“Aside from you diving into a group of Shadows while screaming ‘hee-ho’ at the top of your lungs, you mean.”
“Come on, I had just fused King Frost – I had to give him a good debut!”
“Uh huh.”
“Anyway, like I was saying, I’ve been mostly on my best behavior, so you’re clearly not here to scold me. Which means you just want to talk. So let’s talk. What’s up, Makoto?”
What is she supposed to say to that? Is she supposed to confess here and now how she feels about him? Should she be feigning ignorance and acting like everything’s okay? Or is this where she has to say something stupid about wanting to trade places with Ann?
“I—”
Ann comes flying back up the stairs with a frazzled look. “Ren, we gotta go!”
He looks just as confused as Makoto feels as he watches Ann gather her things and fix her hair at a blinding speed.
“Woah, woah, go where?” he asks. “What’s going on?”
“There’s a gig that I was recommended for out in Harajuku.” Ann pauses in her collection to snatch another cookie and stuff the whole thing in her mouth. “Fif ah dun makit, hail gibit ta Mika!”
“They’ll give it to Mika? Yeah, no way we’re letting that happen. We’ll make it there on time, I promise.”
How on earth Ren understood any of that last sentence is beyond Makoto.
Actually, he is best friends with both Ryuji and Ann, so maybe it isn’t too farfetched to believe he can translate people with their mouth full.
Thankfully Ann swallows before asking something of her fellow girl. “You want to come with, Makoto? You could keep Ren company while he waits.”
Tagging along with these two just to sit next to Ren while he watches Ann show off gorgeous clothing and impeccably done makeup is not Makoto’s idea of a good time. If she has to know it’s happening either way, she would rather be alone to brood about it.
“N–No, that’s okay. I have some studying to get to anyway,” she says. “You two should hurry if you want to make it on time.”
“‘Kay!” Ann snags Ren’s hand from his side and yanks him down the stairs with her. “We’ll see you later, Makoto!”
“Get home safe,” Ren calls just before his face dips below the railing.
There isn’t enough time to respond before the café door’s bell jingles violently. If only Ann moved that fast when it came time to meet up for study purposes.
Well, this will teach her for being impulsive. Coming in just hoping to catch Ren alone was a tall order. Even more so since she really couldn’t even find any words to say when he actually initiated conversation between them.
Makoto lets go of the strap on her schoolbag. She had put it into a death grip at some point upon entering, so her knuckles were only just now getting some blood back in them. It’s nice that at least one part of her body can find relief in all this. She has a sinking feeling this tightness in her chest won’t be so easy to get rid of on her way back home.
Thoughts of romance never seem to make the journey into the Metaverse with her. Makoto is extremely grateful for every Phantom Thieves mission lately since it gets her mind away from the mire of negativity. Pining after a boy means nothing when the supposed King of Fairies is attempting to smite you. Shadow combat is an excellent distraction.
But they can’t stay in the Metaverse for the rest of her life. Every time they go into Mementos to train, Makoto only gets to enjoy a few blissful hours of mental silence before being yanked back into the real world, back to where her very real and very annoying problems lie.
It isn’t helped by the fact that the Thieves have gotten into the habit of retreating to Leblanc after every Mementos run to have some hangout time together. All that expended energy fighting for her life is gone in moments like these, leaving her with no strength to fight the whispers of her mind that Johanna would surely put a stop to if they were anything more than Makoto’s own delusions.
As the rest of the team jokes around with each other and strengthens their bonds like actual friends, Makoto sits off to the side and nods along to whatever comes her way. She knows being in her own head like this is dangerous since Ren can sense emotional troubles from a mile away. She doesn’t look up from her lap just in case his eyes are on her. That level of concern would be wasted on her right now.
Then again, wouldn’t that still be worth it? The whispers seem to think so.
She only realizes it has gotten pretty late when people start asking around about afternoon plans. Makoto doesn’t hear most of the responses, but she does perk up once Ren’s answer is cut off by his phone vibrating. He pulls it out only to let out a small, ‘huh,’ at whatever he sees.
“Actually, I think my plans just got canceled. One sec.”
He squints at the screen, scrolling down through what Makoto presumes are messages. Given the number of people he knows, it’s up for debate who it was that actually texted him just now.
“Yeah, looks like I’m not getting shooting lessons from my grade schooler friend today,” he says.
Makoto has so many questions upon hearing that. One day she’ll go through with her plan of noting down every connection her leader has. Partially as a backup in case anything bad happens, and partially just for her own sanity.
“Well, guess that means my afternoon is free. Anybody want to—”
“Dibs!” Futaba yells. She zips over to Ren, grabbing his free hand as she bounces on her feet. “Can we go to Akihabara? The arcade is selling Featherman-themed drinks. I need all five flavors in my fridge pronto!”
“Sure,” he says, chuckling at his hand still getting tossed around. “I actually planned to swing by the game shop up there anyway.”
“Score!” Without asking, Futaba circles around behind Ren to leap up onto his back. His hands fly back to grab under her legs at the same time her arms drape around his shoulders. Once secured, she thrusts her hand out like a military official. “Alright, forward march!”
The sigh Ren lets out is a poor disguise for the joy wrinkling his face. “Fine, but only to the station. People are going to stare.”
“And? That’s what you’re here for, key item. I’ll just hide behind this mountain of hair.”
“You’re really high maintenance, you know that?”
“Someone has to keep you in check. You should be thanking me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yep! I accept gratitude in the form of Featherman-themed drinks, FYI.”
“And what happened to your cut of the Mementos money?”
“Classified.”
“Such a pain in the butt…”
“I’ll show you a pain in the butt if you don’t get moving,” Futaba says, wriggling her legs around. “Now mush!”
The rest of their bickering trails off as Ren actually carries Futaba down the stairs in their current arrangement. The rest of the Thieves can just barely hear Sojiro’s confusion from below. There’s no telling how often he has to put up with these sorts of antics.
“Sheesh, they never stop, do they?” Morgana asks.
“Aw, I think they’re cute,” Ann says. “You really would think they’ve known each other for way longer than they have.”
Yusuke nods. “A shining example of our leader’s ability to form bonds.”
“Yeah, well, I think Futaba oughta respect who was here first,” Ryuji says.
Haru barely stifles a laugh. “Are you feeling jealous, Ryuji-kun?”
“Hell no!”
Though Makoto suspects that’s about as true as it is for her, at least Ryuji can say it aloud. She can’t even seem to get that far these days.
Feeling like this right now is ridiculous, Makoto knows, given those involved. Futaba and Ren have been like that ever since she gained the courage to venture outside. He is effectively a lifeline for her as she readjusts to the world around her. It is so aggravating that Makoto’s pride for the young girl has been tainted with a slight envy.
It’s obvious those two have the furthest thing from a romantic relationship. The Thieves all collectively still tease Ren for that slip of the tongue back in September when he called Futaba ‘sis’ after waking from a nap. Futaba is obviously among them in that, but no one missed how elated she was the moment it happened. The familial bond the two share is incredibly strong for how briefly they’ve known each other. Makoto has even caught herself wishing that she and Sae shared moments like Ren and Futaba do. Seems like her jealousy extends to things beyond even romance.
Morgana mentions something about wanting a nap, so everyone starts to disperse for the day. It should be a good thing, since it means escaping the home of the one person plaguing her thoughts, but now only a few train rides stand between her and a likely empty home. She is more than familiar with how easily the Niijima apartment can make a bad day turn worse.
When Sae arrives home hours later to see her little sister clutching Buchimaru on the couch with an empty tub of ice cream in hand, she makes a face like she can’t decide whether to offer comfort or be a little grossed out.
“Should I even ask?”
“No,” Makoto responds.
“Then I won’t. Sleep well, Makoto.”
Fat chance of that, Makoto thinks. She glances down at the empty ice cream container on the table.
She looks Buchimaru in the eye and asks, “…one more won’t hurt, will it?”
Thank goodness no one else is around to judge her for forcing a stuffed animal to shake his head.
Makoto figures the universe must be conspiring against her once she arrives at Haru’s house for a tea break. After being buzzed in and escorted to the second floor, she walks into Haru’s room to find one more person than she expected.
Both Ren and Haru are out on the balcony, though only one is actually awake enough to notice Makoto’s arrival. Haru can only tilt her head a small bit in greeting since her junior is currently asleep with his head on her shoulder.
“Hi, Mako-chan,” she whispers. “My apologies for not having everything set up for your arrival. I got a bit sidetracked.”
“So I see. What exactly happened here?”
“Well, Ren-kun offered to help me go over some business projections for Okumura Foods. It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I was overwhelmed at all of our employees’ suggestions and expressed that feeling to him. It probably isn’t much of a surprise to hear he jumped at the chance to help me.”
Not much of a surprise at all. Makoto doesn’t think she has ever met anyone that takes to helping people as easily as Ren does.
“We must have gone through dozens of files before I actually noticed how tired he looked. At that point, he just dozed off all of a sudden. He’s been fast asleep since.” Haru reaches a hand up to lightly tussle Ren’s hair. Even while asleep, he appears to lean into the touch. It makes Haru giggle. “He’s a cute sleeper, don’t you think?”
There is something about how soft and round Ren’s face looks while pressed against Haru’s shoulder that makes Makoto’s heart flutter. It is just extremely unfortunate that she can’t enjoy it to the fullest with the context of the situation.
She coughs into a tight fist. “If you say so.”
Makoto doubts many people could pick out the difference in tone with that statement and any of her normal remarks. Before joining the Phantom Thieves, she used to sound like the upper management of some business. Clipped sentences and feigned neutrality may appear less in her speech these days, but it is never out of reach. It shouldn’t come as a surprise for her to sound like that.
And yet, Haru clocks that specific tone immediately. Her eyes go right through the barriers shoddily arranged around Makoto’s soul. Makoto has the same sensation as being underdressed under such a heavy gaze.
But Haru doesn’t do anything to match the intensity of her eyes. Instead, she just smiles and whispers, “Say, Mako-chan, would you like to trade places?”
“Huh?”
“As much as I would love to continue acting as our leader’s pillow, I do have a few emails to send before it gets late. Though I’m afraid that if I force Ren-kun to get up now, he might not take any more time to rest, which is the opposite of what we all want for him. Would you be willing to keep him company in my stead?”
The offer sounds so innocent, and yet Makoto knows Haru well enough to hear what isn’t being said here. How exactly she gleamed the inner workings of Makoto’s heart, there isn’t any telling. All Makoto can do is bite her lip at the prospect of being indulged like a sulking child.
She doesn’t deserve to be where Haru is, does she? Would the tightness in her chest go away if she just accepts and sits down? Or will a whole new pain take its place, formed from the guilt of taking something from her friend?
It doesn’t matter in the end, since Ren unknowingly takes the decision out of both girls’ hands. He goes upright with a long yawn, and all the boyishness of his sleeping appearance vanishes. Seeing Makoto makes him do a doubletake and adjust his glasses as if that will change anything.
“Makoto? What are you—” He catches a glimpse of his wild hair and smushed cheek in the reflection of Haru’s table and frowns. “Shoot, did I fall asleep on you while we were working, Haru? I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she replies. “We all need our rest, you more so than anyone. Truthfully, you stirred less while sleeping on me than Mona-chan does.”
Being compared to a cat clearly makes a dent in his normally cool exterior. He immediately latches onto his go-to tic of messing with his hair when embarrassed.
“Well, now that we’re all awake, I think we’re due for that tea break,” Haru says. She begins to prepare everything with her supplies on the table, but gasps to herself in the middle of it.
“Oh no, I forgot the snacks I received as a company gift recently! Hm… I probably left them downstairs in the kitchen.”
“I’ll get them, then.” Ren stands to his feet and stretches out lazily. The image does not help beat back the human cat allegations. “Gives me a chance to wake up a bit. I’ll be right back.”
He waves and yawns into the same hand on his way back inside the Okumura house. With her eyes glued to him as he goes, Makoto misses Haru staring right at her.
“I’m sorry, Mako-chan.”
Makoto turns back, seeing genuine remorse cross Haru’s face. It isn’t a look Makoto likes to see on her friend.
“For not having things set up? It really isn’t an issue.”
“No. Well, I am sorry that I haven’t been a good host so far, but that isn’t what I meant.”
“Oh. Then…?”
“I’m sorry for inviting you here under false pretenses,” Haru says. “Tea breaks are all well and good, but in truth, I wanted you to have a space to…decompress, in a manner of speaking.”
Makoto shifts on her feet, holding one of her arms by the elbow. “Well, thank you, but…I’m not sure what I would need to decompress from.”
Though Haru nods along to the words, the frown on her face suggests anything but agreement. She casts a long look over to the door leading to her room before speaking in a lowered voice.
“You know, it is only natural to want things in life.”
The sudden seriousness with which Haru speaks is a little intimidating. Makoto came over expecting easy conversation and warm tea, not whatever is brewing here in its place.
“Believe me, I am no stranger to arguing the opposite. But if there is one thing I have learned from my time with the Phantom Thieves, it is that shelving your own desires like unwanted clutter will only hurt you in the long run. They deserve to be seen out in the open, especially since no one else can act on them unless you allow them to be.” Haru pushes down the ruffles formed on the shoulder of her sweater. “And in the case of any desires that require mutuality, that is doubly true. You cannot choose something that you had no idea was an option all along.”
Makoto blinks. Her mouth has gone completely dry, and she feels shaky on her feet all of a sudden. Compared to Haru, who sits rigid in her seat and keeps her eyes steady, Makoto is on the brink of falling apart.
She swallows the lump that forms in her throat. “Haru…what are you trying to say?”
“Don’t mind me – I’m simply speaking in platitudes. If any actually apply to you, then I hope they can be of use.” Haru stares down at the teacup in her hands. Even the liquid within is eerily motionless. “All I could ever ask for is for my friends to be happy.”
Makoto doesn’t really get the proper time to ruminate on that because Ren comes back with two trays of snacks in hand. That ‘knowing’ glint in Haru’s eyes leaves with his entrance, making way for her usual bright look. She is all smiles again, indulging Ren as he plays butler for no other reason than to make his friends laugh. Makoto thinks she does a decent job of pretending that it works on her.
She leaves shortly after everything is finished. If being alone with Ren right now is hard, spending any more time with Haru is unthinkable. It’s bad enough Makoto has to know what’s inside her own heart. Haru somehow being able to see right through her is way too much to handle.
So, like she has gotten absurdly good at as of late, she lies through her teeth and runs from her problems.
Makoto realizes the ‘Ren situation’ has fully gotten out of hand. Daydreaming in her free moments is one thing, but spacing out intermittently through several class periods is where she has to draw the line. She hadn’t been scolded in class in years!
These mental obstacles were previously only real to her in movies and certain books she never pulled the trigger on reading. They made everything seem so much easier. Cutesy thought bubbles containing crushes with miniature hearts could be fanned away if need be. A young girl’s eyes turning to hearts could be solved with a few blinks or a quick smack of her cheeks. Real life wasn’t nearly so accommodating.
She’ll have to keep herself on constant alert not to fall into any lovestruck musings for the rest of the day. It would certainly be an easier task if Haru’s words from a little bit ago weren’t still bouncing between her ears.
It’s bad enough that Makoto is aware that she has been acting abnormally, but thinking on the fact that Haru may have her completely figured out is one step too far for her to stomach. Even worse, she might be absolutely right in her verbal nudge to get Makoto to speak honestly.
Is it really that simple? Does all this end by channeling the confidence of the student council president and outlining everything in her head and heart to Ren? The thought of finally being free from this pressure is tantalizing as she walks down Shujin’s halls.
Maybe today is the day she finally—
“Senpai!”
Makoto’s feet lock up hearing that voice. It isn’t one she hears often, but she has heard it enough to know that that bubbly demeanor is the worst thing for any potential plans today.
Sure enough, she leans around the corner to see none other than Shujin’s star gymnast bounding up towards her favorite upperclassman. Ren spins around to face her, smiling once she reaches his side. Yoshizawa rocks on her heels and beams so intensely that even Makoto has to fight the way her mouth twitches upwards. This is an extreme case of contagious joy.
Makoto won’t allow herself to view this as some sort of competition. Thinking like that would put her against her friends and schoolmates, and that is the last thing she wants. So even though she has a front row seat to someone who outclasses her in getting Ren’s attention, she refuses to compare it to anything she herself could try. That is the only way to keep from losing her cool.
It is only just now that Makoto notices how comfortable the two are with each other. She knows that they’re friends from the stories Ren has told, but seeing it in person paints a different picture.
Does she always stand so close to him? Ren has never been one to advocate for his own personal space, but surely he must have limits. Then again, the thought of that being true would only make things worse. He always brightens up when talking about running into her.
It isn’t just her, though. Makoto can’t pretend to know every person of interest in Ren’s life, but the ones she does know of are all infuriatingly close with him. Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter. No one seems to be safe from the gravitational pull of one Ren Amamiya.
She remembers how stunned she was to see the doctor from Yongen-Jaya fussing over him one day in Leblanc. Obviously if anyone should be trusted with that amount of touching, it’s his primary doctor, but that didn’t stop the whole process from looking so intimate. She had even called him ‘guinea pig’ as she left, which admittedly isn’t a common sounding nickname, but the endearment was more than evident in her tone.
His bond with Ms. Kawakami is equally perplexing. Their interactions at Shujin aren’t anything particularly noteworthy, but what kind of relationship do they have where he can make her blush so intensely? He only needs a few words these days to have his homeroom teacher’s scowling face turn a light red. Though knowing Ren, that could just be part of how insufferable his humor can be.
Then there’s Hifumi Togo. Makoto had only been in one interaction with her out in Jinbocho, but it had been immediately evident that she is just as impressive as the rumors about her suggest. Grace seems like a natural state of being for the girl; her movements look like those of a fairytale character. Makoto couldn’t blame anyone – much less Ren himself – for falling under the spell she isn’t even aware of casting.
Part of Makoto feels that things would be different if she could just be more proactive. That if not for this crippling need to respect a distance that she herself has put between them, she would be capable of doing the things that her friends have no qualms about.
She wishes she could be as hands-on as Yusuke gets whenever Ren serves as a model for art. The artist’s fingers treat Ren’s face like porcelain, adjusting features with gentle touches and examining every inch of him in order to get a better pose or an intriguing angle.
She’d even settle for being as brash as Ryuji. She has no intention of disregarding Ren’s boundaries, but Ryuji just makes contact look so easy whenever he initiates. Sure, he could stand to dial back his strength a bit, but it’s obvious how much joy goes into every side hug and each lean onto his best friend. Unlike her, he isn’t afraid to act on what he feels.
And all that is to say nothing of Goro Akechi. Call Makoto crazy, but there are only so many explanations as to why the young detective’s focus seems to always linger on Ren more so than anyone else. That, and she is acutely aware of how charged their verbal back and forth can get. She refuses to call it flirting for her own sanity.
The whole experience is just…maddening. It’s hard enough adjusting to how every feeling she has is bolder than ever, but now Makoto has to deal with turning into a spoiled little girl on top of that? Who is she to suddenly feel entitled to Ren’s affections? Why is her logic suddenly useless here when thinking on all this for a moment would normally bring her back to rationality?
The only clue that she hasn’t completely lost her sense of self is the constant rumbling of Johanna inside. If she still has the strength of heart to call on her Persona, then that is a sign that she isn’t too far gone. Perhaps it is even a sign that there is still enough strength for her to do what must be done. Johanna seems to agree with this based on how Makoto’s nerves ease up ever so slightly.
She ducks back behind the corner of the wall before Ren can see her. The next time they cross paths, she is going to tackle this problem head on. The Makoto of old wasn’t useless, no matter what anyone said. She had plenty of things that the current Makoto can draw from. The lovesick girl that has floundered around for the last month is about to make way for someone who promised to always go full speed not long ago.
Makoto opens the calendar on her phone and clears out some space. Tomorrow for sure – that is when she’ll get the answers she needs.
Shockingly, Ren doesn’t have any plans for the evening when Makoto asks to talk. She spends all of her time in the student council room after school hyping herself up for the task ahead, steeling her nerves for what is sure to be an uncomfortably open conversation.
Then again, that can describe most of her talks with Ren. He has such a skill at getting others to open up, herself included. If this goes anything like her last chat with Haru, she’ll feel borderline transparent by the end.
She slips into Leblanc as Sojiro is tending to a few regulars. She offers a quiet ‘hello’ to him before walking up the stairs. Ren is tinkering at his workbench under Morgana’s instruction when she reaches the top. He’s clearly getting better at crafting since there are barely any broken materials cluttering the space. Morgana spots her first, mentioning this to Ren before he jumps to the window and crawls out into the Yongen-Jaya streets.
Ren smiles at the sight of her. “Hey, Makoto. Good to see you.”
“You too.”
Thankfully, she doesn’t have to lie about that. Situation aside, it really is nice to see him. She doesn’t know why she ever considered the alternative acceptable.
“Are you sure you’re really free to talk?” she asks. “I don’t want to take you away from something you already had planned.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I actually wanted to talk to you too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Ren moves from his chair to the couch and pats the spot next to him. Makoto takes the invitation, though not without a noticeable amount of space between them. Ren doesn’t make any mention of it. “This might be off, but you haven’t seemed like yourself lately.”
“Oh…”
There’s really no dodging that observation, is there? She has spent the better part of the past few weeks sulking. Of course he noticed. He notices everything. It is one of her favorite things about him, though it does her no favors here.
“If it’s something you can’t tell me about, then I won’t push,” Ren continues. “But you know you can talk to me about anything. I’ll listen.”
The out he is providing her is so tempting. This battle with herself cannot keep going on, but she can put it off for another day.
Johanna pushes back against that idea almost instantly. It feels like she is revving her engine right in the middle of Makoto’s chest with how hot it burns.
“You’re right,” she says, “I haven’t been myself. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
“About?”
“A–About you and me. Mostly you.”
“Oh.” He folds in on himself a little. “Did…did I do something wrong?”
The slight whine in Ren’s voice when he asks that feels like getting a bucket of ice water dumped over Makoto’s head. What has she been thinking keeping him at arm’s length all this time? While she has been holed up in her mind, Ren must have spent the time reaching out to her only to be dodged at every turn.
“Ren, no! You…” She shakes her head. “None of this is your fault. I’m the one behaving irrationally. I’ve just been so frustrated with myself and my cowardice lately. And I’ve been taking it out on those around me…”
The puzzled look from Ren is to be expected. From his perspective, his advisor went from determined and capable to an irritable crybaby overnight.
Regardless of how much this conversation makes her want to follow Morgana straight out of the attic’s window, she can’t run from this explanation. Not anymore.
He deserves to know.
“Ren, do you…feel comfortable around me?”
He clearly isn’t expecting that line of questioning with the way it makes him flinch. “What do you mean?”
“When I think about how close you are with your friends, I…I get a little envious.” For some reason, that sounds prettier than admitting she’s been a jealous wreck this whole time. “Mostly when it comes to being physical with them.”
To his credit, Ren furrows his brow in thought, presumably trying to draw examples of what she’s talking about. He probably won’t be able to draw specifics due to how casually his interactions with the others come, but Makoto appreciates the effort anyway.
“To tell you the truth, I wasn’t anything like this back home,” he says. “I think the friends I’ve made here just sort of overwrote my reservations about that kind of stuff. I don’t even really think about it now.”
“I see.” So why doesn’t that extend to her, she wonders. “And…is there something about me that makes our situation different?”
A hum passes Ren’s lips. “In a way, I suppose. Don’t get me wrong, I do consider us close. You mean just as much to me as everyone else. But…”
Makoto leans in a bit. “But…?”
“I…” Ren tugs down the bangs falling over his glasses. “Well, it’s just kind of hard for me to act like that around someone I…have a crush on.”
Makoto should be grateful for how her brain goes utterly silent for once in the past month. There are no more whispers, no more disparaging thoughts poking out of the places she had thrown them away. Not even Johanna makes an appearance to chastise her.
Though gratitude doesn’t seem appropriate when it is more than just her brain functions abandoning her. Nothing seems to work at the moment, not muscles, not limbs, and certainly not her mouth. She thinks she might be closer to throwing up than getting a coherent sentence out in the face of what she just heard.
“I think…” Makoto gulps. “I think I must be missing something here. If I tracked that conversation correctly, you just implied that you have a crush. On me.”
Ren lets out a nervous sounding chuckle. “Not much of an implication when I say it to your face. But yeah, you heard right.”
“You have a crush on me.”
“I do.”
“Like…a romantic one?”
The laugh that comes out at that is more natural. “Are there others?”
“I–I just want to make sure I’m understanding correctly.”
“Then let me be absolutely clear.” When Ren turns in his seat to properly look at her, she can see a thin blush just under his glasses. “I have genuine, romantic feelings for you, Makoto. I thought they’d go away once we stopped fake dating, but I’m pretty sure they’re here to stay. So I guess what I want to ask is…would you want to go back to that but for real this time?
Makoto blinks a few times, waiting for the daydream to pass. It doesn’t.
That blush on Ren’s face is real. The pain from how her nails are digging into her knees is real. This feeling that her heart is ready to jump straight from her chest and into Ren’s arms like she wants to is undeniably real.
Still, not all of the fog in her brain has been cleared. A question that feels a bit like self-sabotage comes out before she can stop it.
“But what about the others?” she asks. “Everyone you know is so…so amazing. You’d rather be with me?”
“Absolutely. No question.”
“But…” Makoto grips even harder at her knees. The fabric of her stockings starts to bunch up. “But I turned into such a jealous person recently. It was so inappropriate of me.”
“You really are too hard on yourself. Everyone gets jealous, Makoto. I’m not going to scold you for feeling something so basic as that. And neither will any of our friends.”
“Everyone…” Makoto mutters. She glances back at Ren. “Then…you’ve felt this way too?”
Ren chooses now to direct his attention to the opposite wall. “No comment.”
“Oh, come on!” Makoto all but pulls herself up on the couch to fully face him. “I’ve been honest with you through this whole thing. Practice what you preach, Ren Amamiya.”
“Ugh…”
Some of the tension drops out of his shoulders. He looks a bit like when Morgana deflates at turning out to be wrong. Maybe the two have been rubbing off on each other more than anyone realizes.
“It doesn’t come up often,” Ren says, “but…I have felt a little jealous on occasion.”
Makoto points to herself. “When it comes to me?”
“Yeah.” It’s no big surprise that his hand goes up to start twisting strands of hair. “I mean, you and Haru can get pretty close sometimes.”
The irony of that statement almost knocks Makoto off the couch. Does he really not think anything of how he acts around Haru himself?
But before she says as much, she does start to consider his point. Haru doesn’t exactly hold back in displays of affection, and Makoto can’t say with certainty that she hasn’t gotten used to letting it happen. She has no idea what it looks like from an outside perspective.
“Um…I understand,” she mumbles. “But still, that is one case against the many I have concerning you! You know so many people!”
“Do I? How much of my inner circle were you getting jealous of?”
“Th–That isn’t important! Didn’t you say you wouldn’t judge me?”
“Yeah, and I mean it.” He’s suddenly back to looking at her with all the care in the world. How did she miss that before today? “It’s not like you were mean to anybody.”
“Still, I probably owe everyone an explanation. I’ll be honest with them once we tell them that we’re dating.”
“You mean that we’re back together.”
Ren’s semantics earn him a side-eye.
“We can’t count our time together as a pretend couple.”
“Why not? I was being honest with you the whole time.”
“Be that as it may, you— Wait, what?!” Makoto’s mind goes into overdrive to analyze everything she can remember about those summer days spent as the supposedly fake object of Ren’s affections. “You mean to tell me you weren’t pretending?!”
“Didn’t have to,” he says. “Like I said, I’ve felt like this for a while.”
“That’s…”
Too much to unpack right this second, Makoto decides. If she starts recalling the things he said to her during their long game of pretend, she might overheat and pass out on this very couch. She will not let her first confession end so pathetically.
She coughs to clear her throat. “Okay. In that case, I suppose we can consider ourselves a few months into our relationship. That sounds so weird to vocalize…”
“I’m not immune to it either. But I am happy about it.”
Makoto really, truly means it when she responds with, “Me too.”
This seems like the perfect moment for contact between them. Makoto may not have paid too much attention to those cheesy movies and books, but she can point out the stereotypical ‘right mood’ when it arises. She hopes she can, at least.
“Um… So, about what I mentioned before,” she starts. “About being physical.”
“Yes?”
“Even if we want to claim to have been dating on and off for a few months, I’m…still not sure how that translates to how to be close to you. I don’t really have a baseline to start from.”
She’s pretty sure that they held hands for show at some point in front of Eiko, but that feels like a lifetime ago. Anything more intimate than that is surely only something her dreams conjured to mock her during this period of emotional instability.
“Right. I probably didn’t help with that.” Ren shakes his head before Makoto can even argue otherwise. “We could just start slow, if you’d like. I know you’re not the biggest fan of physical stuff like that.”
While that is normally true, something in Makoto bristles at such an obvious consolation prize. Seeing all her friends and Ren’s various connections sharing a tight space with him and bearing their hearts without any walls to hide behind has lit a fire inside her. She chooses to blame that for the way it feels like her body has been lit aflame.
“I…don’t think that will be necessary.” Slowly, her hand slides over his couch cushion to find the tips of his fingers. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to…make up for lost time. If you catch my drift.”
Ren turns his hand over like an invitation. She lets hers fall into it so that their palms touch. If this is only the start to what contact with the boy she loves has to offer, she is in real trouble going forward.
“You sure?” he asks.
Makoto clears the remaining space between them, ending up with half her body on the couch and half spilled over onto him.
“Positive,” she replies.
When he takes his glasses off and puts them aside, Makoto gets a perfect view of the stardust in his eyes. She thinks the moon might never look as good as it used to after seeing a sight like this.
He raises her hand to his lips, pressing them against her knuckles. His breath drifts across her skin and makes her shiver.
“In that case, I’ll follow your lead, Senpai.”
The couch is definitely in no way big enough for her to act on everything that suddenly comes to mind, but she has no problems finding its limits over the course of the upcoming evening. She has months of lost time to make up for, after all.
By the time night falls, Makoto is going to make sure Ren doesn’t regret letting her lead.