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When Dazai had started unsubtly flirting with Chuuya, the first thing Chuuya thought was that finally him and Dazai might actually sleep together that night.
A year since their reunion, months since they started dating, and still the last time they slept together was shortly before Dazai defected from the mafia.
But of course, they got home and Dazai got distracted. Dazai, while Chuuya had been in the bathroom getting ready, had managed to find a book that interested him more, and when Chuuya came back, Dazai's wasn't in the bedroom, and instead sitting at the kitchen table with the book.
Chuuya hadn't said anything, just sighing in a little disappointment, and going to finish the job himself.
He was used to this routine. He didn't mind it, honestly. There was just this insistent question.
When?
Surely Dazai would decide he was interested. He didn't know why Dazai hadn't tried to go any further, but it was beginning to get to a point where he might need to ask questions.
Or initiate it himself.
Coming out of the bedroom and kissing the top of Dazai's head, Chuuya brushed past him absentmindedly, going to grab a glass of water.
He hummed.
Kissing Dazai was one of his favourite things to do. He'd instantly start smiling, and lean into it, or pull Chuuya into a hug afterwards.
Thinking about it though…
When was the last time they kissed kissed? More than a long peck? Hell, it had been a few days since the last time they did that.
He turned to Dazai, tilting his head as he watched Dazai as he leant over a book, reading it with a concentrated expression.
He didn't want to disturb the peace, but he sat on the other side of the table, and drummed his fingers down to grab Dazai's attention.
Dazai looked up and hummed in a questioning tone, his eyes slightly wide in the dim light.
“Sweetheart,” Chuuya started, picking words and names cautiously, hence the name he'd rarely use.
“I have a question.”
Dazai closed his book, tilting his head like a curious cat.
“What is it?” He asked, leaning forward slightly.
Chuuya took a deep breath, and asked quickly.
“We don't really kiss often. Why? Is there a reason?”
Dazai blinked a few times, the question taking a second to register.
“Is it a problem? We can kiss more,” he said instead of answering.
“I didn't say that. I asked if there was a reason why.” Chuuya said, quickly rerouting the conversation before it derailed.
Dazai shifted, and shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable.
“Don't know. We just don't- I mean, you're pretty and nice to kiss, but I just don't really think to do it very often.”
Chuuya took a deep breath and nodded.
“Okay. That's fair. One more question.”
Dazai nodded back, and waited for a second while Chuuya hesitated in asking.
“We haven't had sex. Why?” He asked.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Dazai asked quickly in response, sounding a little wary.
Chuuya was taken aback, and stared at Dazai for a second.
“No? Why would I be breaking up with you?”
“Because we've not had sex,” Dazai responded simply. “If it's a problem I can. We can do it, if you want it.”
Chuuya frowned, and shook his head.
“What? Slow down a second. I'm not going to break up with you because we haven't done that. And again, I'm not saying it's a problem, I'm asking why .” Chuuya sighed in exasperation.
“Just answer the question. I just want to know if you're waiting on something, or if I'm doing something or what.”
Dazai blinked repeatedly, his silence lasting longer than it did the first time Chuuya asked.
“I mean… I don't know?” He said tentatively. He was tense, and Chuuya could see the way he seemed to be itching for an exit from the conversation.
“Bullshit, you know,” Chuuya said, keeping his voice quiet and as soft as he could, despite the harsh words.
“I mean- I just don't want to, is that a crime?” Dazai snapped suddenly.
Chuuya jumped in surprise, not expecting the tone.
“What? No, of course not. You just keep flirting with me in a way that makes me think something is going to happen, then it doesn't,” he responded, trying to keep the irritation at the sudden defensiveness from leaking into his tone.
“I'm just not interested. It's like… I just don't care. It sounds good in theory I guess, but I don't want to. It seems stupid and dramatic and doesn't even feel nice enough to warrant all the stuff you need to do before and after and during and the bad feelings from it and being overwhelmed and in pain. It just sucks, and it's not worth it in practice.”
Chuuya hesitated while trying to process that, running it through in his brain, finding it lined up with every experience he'd ever had with Dazai.
Dazai would be enthusiastic and flirtatious while it was only an idea or possibility, but the second he had time to think about it, or they got past a little touching, he just wasn't interested anymore, like a switch had been flipped.
“Are you asexual, like?” Chuuya asked, his eyebrows furrowed.
“What’s that?” Dazai asked, the question dead serious.
Chuuya blinked a few times, not expecting that.
“Uhh…” he hesitated. How do you explain asexuality?
“It’s like… You know how attraction works, right? You can be romantically, or platonically, or sexually attracted to someone?”
Dazai nodded, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah? I would hope I know.”
Chuuya sighed in irritation, resisting the urge to smack Dazai for the comment.
“Well, Asexual people don’t feel sexual attraction. Or, they don’t feel it as much, or the same way that Allosexual people do,” he explained instead, trying to recall the articles he had read when trying to help Akutagawa figure some shit out.
God he was like a father to some of those idiots in the Mafia. How that happened, he’ll never understand.
“I’m pretty sure I’m not asexual then. I’ve definitely been sexually attracted to people,” Dazai commented dryly, playing with his book by spinning it on the table.
Chuuya groaned tiredly, and he ran his hands over his face.
“I mean, it’s not that simple,” he tried to continue explaining.
He huffed, and crossed his arms as he thought it through.
“Think of it like… You have a slice of cake.”
“Don’t- I’m starving, I want cake now,” Dazai whined. “Shut it idiot,” Chuuya muttered, yawning and mentally making a note to go to the bakery the next day.
“Imagine you have a slice of cake, and it looks really tasty, and you decide that you really want to eat it.”
Dazai sighed, but nodded, clearly following along with Chuuya’s analogy. “However, you finally get the cake, and you realise that while the cake looks appealing, you’re not actually hungry. You’re so not hungry, that you decide that you really don’t want the cake anymore.”
“I really don’t get the point of this,” Dazai muttered, seeming unhappy that he didn’t get it.
Chuuya stayed patient, and he hummed.
“Well, you understood about the cake? You want the cake, until you get given it and then realise that you really aren’t hungry, and so you don’t want the cake anymore. Well, the cake is like your sexual attraction, and your hunger is your willingness to have sex.”
“...So, wanting to have sex with somebody, until actually being able to, when I decide that I don’t want to anymore?”
Chuuya nodded. “Yeah, that’s a type of asexuality. You can not like sex, and still experience sexual attraction. You said it yourself, you don’t like it. There’s a specific micro-label for that, I’m fairly sure.”
“...But I’m fine with it in theory most of the time. I just have no interest in actually doing it. It’s like the second I’m given the opportunity to do it, the feelings evaporate. It’s just… Fun to joke about.”
“That sounds like asexuality to me,” Chuuya said, smiling a little.
“...Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'm that. I just don't care for it, and find it pretty stupid,” Dazai said slowly after a moment.
Chuuya nodded, and his view of Dazai shifted to the left, and then some.
But that made sense. A lot of sense.
“Okay then,” he said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. That was good to know.
“...’Okay then’?” Dazai repeated, looking a little dumbfounded, or unimpressed.
“That's it?”
Chuuya paused.
“Thanks for telling me? Thanks for letting me help you figure it out?” He said, confused as to why Dazai was so stumped.
“No ‘that isn't a real thing’ or ‘i can't be in a relationship with you if you won't compromise on this’?” Dazai asked.
“Why would I say that?” Chuuya asked, sounding a little annoyed.
“I'll live without sex. I'm not an addict, I'm fine without it. I can like something without it being necessary in my relationship.”
“...Huh,” Dazai murmured softly.
Chuuya rolled his eyes, and scoffed.
“You're not unlovable. There are plenty of reasons I like you other than your body.”
“I still like teasing and being flirty though. Isn't that a problem if I'm not gonna follow through?”
“Dazai. If it was a problem I would have sucker punched you the second you started whispering about your ‘incredibly skilled fingers’ when we were out earlier. I don't care.”
“This is the one time, and the last time, you will ever hear this, so listen to me closely.”
Chuuya leaned over the table a little.
“I like it when you're being a teasing and suggestive little asshole. Even if you're not going to do anything about it.”
He scoffed again, and pulled away again, leaving Dazai sitting dumbfounded at the table with his mouth slightly open.
Chuuya grabbed the forgotten glass of water and walked away, stopping in the kitchen doorway to say one final sentence.
“If you decide you're up for it one day I won't deny you, but I don't care if you never want to have sex a day in the rest of your life. I'll be here.”
Overwhelmed by the sudden honesty and sincerity, Chuuya tacked on an insult at the end of the sentence.
“...awkward ass lanky bastard.”
Dazai just started at the doorway where Chuuya had just been, his cheeks pink and something warm in his chest.
Chuuya probably didn't know how important what he had just said was.
Dazai quickly got up and followed Chuuya to the bedroom, where Chuuya was standing in his boxers as he hunted down something to sleep in.
Dazai pulled Chuuya down to the bed sharply, drawing a yelp from him.
“A little sudden to change your mind-” Chuuya barely got out before Dazai kissed him, surprisingly soft.
Chuuya hummed into it, his eyes closed, letting it linger.
“What was that for?” He asked when they broke apart, and Dazai shrugged, letting go and going away again.
“Nothing!” He responded over his shoulder, hearing the exasperated sigh from Chuuya.
Of all people, Chuuya had not been who Dazai thought would take him seriously.
But the fact that he did was better than any amount of sex could ever be.