Chapter Text
August 29th, 2020
Dear Toni,
I can’t believe it’s been a week since I last saw you and I really can’t believe it’s been over a month since we last spoke to each other.
I still love you, but I guess that’s a given.
You don’t message the group chat much. Why? I want to know how you’ve been. I hope you’re not choosing not to stay in touch with the others because I’m in the chat. I’d leave it in a second if that’s the reason.
I know you’ll never forgive me for letting that boat go. Martha being fine now probably isn’t a huge comfort considering what could have happened to her because of my actions. I know it was all part of the experiment, but maybe signalling that ship could have done something. We’ll never know, but I don’t blame you for not trusting me.
I went out with Dot for lunch today. We sat in a diner downtown for hours, talking about everything but the island. Did you know that she wants to become a veterinary technician? I didn’t. I feel like I know the seven of you better than I know myself, but I didn’t even know something that basic about someone I’ve known most of my life until today. Maybe I just think I know all of you.
I know that you’re the kindest, most gentle person I’ve ever known, but on the plane ride home I realized I didn’t even know your last name.
I learned it the next day from watching the news coverage of our rescue. Antoinette Shalifoe is a beautiful name. Toni suits you better though.
It’s funny, because you never felt like more of a stranger than when I finally learned your full name. I’m not sure why that is.
I had news to share with Dot today but it was hard to do. She’s going to finish high school here in Fort Travis but I’m not. I’m being sent out to a boarding school that focuses on “getting back on god’s path.” You know what that means and I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to hear that my parents are sending me there.
Dot cried a lot and so did I. After we had a good cry she asked me if she could tell all of you where I’m going. I said yes, but I asked her to wait until I’m gone to let you all know. It would all be so much harder if you reached out right now. I hope you would reach out. After all, we’re still friends, right? We went through so much together and even though I know you don't love me, I hope you at least like me.
The truth is that I’m scared. I’m so scared and I want you to tell me that I’ll be okay and that there's good in me somewhere.
I’ll always see the good in you.
I love you.
–Shelby
September 24th, 2020
Dear Toni,
I need you right now.
I know that you hate me, that’s pretty much a given for anyone who has ever loved me. I always do something to fuck it up, but at least I warned you. I never warned Becca because I didn’t even know I was that kind of person back then.
I don’t think you believed me when I told you I hurt people, but I bet you do now.
I’m sorry for everything that I did. Sometimes I think about where we would be if you could only know how much I hate myself for letting that boat go. I hope you know that I was sincere when I apologized, but maybe you thought I lied.
Maybe that’s why we never got back together after we got out of the bunker. I wish you had told me why. Sometimes I think about the way you would look right through me when we were all gathered around the fire and it still sends a shiver through my core. I’m not sure if I should have taken it personally or not, seeing as you didn’t really make eye contact with anyone except Martha after that, but still, I thought I might be special. You used to say I was special.
We did a group exercise a couple of weeks ago where we had to find something called our “root.” That’s what they call the moment or thing that started our “sinning” and they told us that the first step in overcoming same sex attraction is to identify the root so that it can be pulled without fear of it growing back.
I know that there’s no such thing as a root, and I only know that because of you. If they had sent me here a year ago, I would have agonized over finding a specific point in my life where I was drawn to what I truly thought was sin. But meeting you, seeing you so free and sure of who you are, I know that who I am is who I am and not the product of some external experience. That’s the only thing keeping me sane right now I think. I know that I can’t be changed, so I won’t let them ever think they did. Thank you for being yourself and for showing me that there might be good in me somewhere deep down. I just hope that I can find it.
I also have a confession, one that I’ve been spending all of our prayer time here hoping and wishing that you would forgive me for if you knew.
I told them that my root was you.
My parents told the staff here about Becca before I arrived, so when I struggled finding something to say, they suggested that my feelings toward women started with her. They knew how she died and they called her a sinner, saying that she pulled me toward sin with her. I couldn’t let them blame Becca for anything so I blurted out your name. I’m pretty sure that you would understand if you knew why I did it, but I’m sorry nonetheless.
They gave me a piece of paper with a drawing of a tree on it, with roots stretching deep into the earth beneath it, and they made me label it. I did as they asked and wrote “sin” at the top. Then, beside the illustration of the roots, I had to write my root. They told me to hang it up in my room so that I can be reminded of what I’m working against. I feel like that’s not exactly in their best interests, though, because I like seeing it.
Now there's a picture of a tree hanging from my bunk bed with the words “pretty basketball player stranded on island paradise” written there beside the roots. I think you’d probably be sad to see it, or maybe you’d even find it funny, but I just hope that you wouldn’t be hurt by it.
I don’t see it the way that they want me to, Toni. I promise I don’t. The way that I see it, that tree is only strong because of the roots keeping it grounded in the earth. Putting the label of sin on it doesn’t change anything for me anymore.
Thanks to you, I think I can withstand anything that the world has to throw at me.
Thank you, Toni.
I love you.
–Shelby
October 23rd, 2020
Dear Toni,
I love you. If the last month has taught me anything, it’s that I will love you for the rest of my life.
So many of the kids here have been beaten down already, but I’m lucky. I’ve got you in my head.
Whenever I’m having a hard day or when I hear something really hateful, I imagine what you would say. It’s like in those cartoons where someone has a devil sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on the other. You’re like a little angel in my ear, cracking jokes to make me feel better or telling me that there’s something beautiful inside of me.
It’s my eighteenth birthday today. I’m not sure if you know that or not. Sometimes I like to imagine that we’re still in love and I’m in Minnesota with you and Martha. I bet you’re the kind of person who would go all out for your girlfriend’s birthday and make her feel really special.
I wonder if you have a new girlfriend already.
If you do, I hope she’s kind and that she makes you laugh. I hope she makes you feel safe and that you can trust her. I hope that there’s no hiding or secrets this time around. I hope she isn’t selfish like I was.
I love you Toni.
–Shelby
November 2nd, 2020
Dear Toni,
I’m having a really hard day yesterday but I fell asleep last night trying to remember how I felt with you and it made me feel better. It always does. Just writing these silly letters makes me feel better. I guess that’s the power of Antoinette Shalifoe.
Love,
Shelby
November 14th, 2020
Dear Toni,
I have this idea of you in my head and sometimes I wonder if it’s even remotely accurate. Today, during a counselling session with one of the pastors, he talked about how I had given into sin in the past and how I couldn’t let myself get weak and act on my urges again.
In my mind, I heard you. I always do. You said, “don’t listen to him, Bee. You’re so fucking strong. Nothing you could do would be a sin because there’s too much good in you.”
I’ve never doubted that voice once in the nearly three months I’ve been here, but today I did. Today, it made me sad to imagine you saying that when I’m not sure you would in real life. I’ve spent hours thinking about why I’m so sad about that and I’ve realized that our breakup wasn’t fair.
I’m not sure who it wasn’t fair to, but I think that we both deserve closure. I wish I could know for certain that you would actually support me right now.
Maybe I’m just talking to an imaginary friend.
–Shelby
December 3rd, 2020
Toni,
Why do I still love you? It’s almost been four months since we last saw each other and almost five since we last spoke.
I think that the reason I still love you is because I think about you non-stop. I would try not to, but then I’d be alone here. I don’t want to be alone.
But I’ve realized that if you were here right now, you probably wouldn’t reassure me. You probably wouldn’t say anything at all. You would probably still ignore me.
I had it in my head that I’d send you the earlier letters I wrote when I got home for Christmas, but I’m going to go out back and burn them now. I’d like you to know how much you’ve been supporting me, but you’d probably think that this whole thing is way too needy. Worse, you’d probably think I’m pathetic.
I love you. I wish you still loved me too.
–Shelby
December 21st, 2020
Toni,
I’m going home for the holidays tomorrow. I can’t sleep so I’m writing another one of these dumb letters to my imaginary love.
You probably wouldn’t believe it, but I have a reputation for being a rebel here. I talk back to teachers and tell the other students the truth. Some of the things I say make me wonder if I’m turning into you. I think you’d like that I’m so bold now.
That makes it harder to admit that I’m scared to go home. It isn’t all bad though. There’s still a little angel Toni in my ear telling me I’ll be okay, and I hope she never goes away.
I love you.
–Shelby
December 22nd, 2020
Toni,
Fuck you
I don’t want to love you. I want to hate you now.
I arrived at Fort Travis this morning for Christmas break. My parents let me go out for brunch with Dot and our visit was really nice. I told her how your voice in the back of my head is keeping me going and I told her all about these letters.
Dot actually grimaced at that and I wondered why. When I asked, she didn’t say. She just said that when I graduate and leave home that I could go to proper therapy and hopefully find strength from somewhere else. Until then, she said, I should keep doing what I need to do to survive.
I was confused about why I would ever want to find strength from anyone other than you, but then I got back home and charged my phone. About twenty minutes ago I finished reading through my missed texts and emails and now I understand what she meant.
Now I feel like an idiot for writing these stupid letters.
There were two messages to the group chat in the entire three and a half months I’ve been gone.
I teared up when I read what Dot wrote to you all to let everyone know about me being sent away. It was really sensitive and kind, and the others all messaged me privately. I just spent the last hour reading through what they sent me.
Then there was nothing on the chat for almost two months, until you sent a message that nobody replied to.
It was a photo of you smiling at the camera, wearing a jersey and holding a basketball, surrounded by a couple of other girls. You captioned it: Back on the team!
I’ll repeat the opener of this letter: Fuck you .
I'm glad you aren't miserable, but you didn't have to send that to the group chat so that I would see it. Did you see Dot’s message in the chat and just move right past it? Did you care even a little bit?
I wasn’t expecting you to reach out privately or anything, but I wasn't expecting you to rub the fact that you've moved on in my face.
I just called Martha and asked how you were because I'm an idiot who wants to know if there's any part of you that still loves me. She told me not to give you a second thought and she changed the subject. I want to know what you’re feeling, but I also have a feeling that I don’t actually want to know. If you wanted me to know, you would have told me while we were still stranded out there.
How can you go from loving me and making me feel so special to not caring at all? I think about you and wonder how you’re doing every single day, Toni.
There’s a part of me that wants to put aside my pride and phone you right now, but I know that you would just ignore my call. I think it would destroy me if you did.
Did you ever love me even half as much as I love you?
–Shelby
January 14th, 2021
Toni,
I got in trouble today because a teacher overheard me telling a group of younger girls that this place uses God as a brainwashing tool. I still hear you in my head and I hate it.
–Shelby
March 4th, 2021
Toni,
I haven’t written you a letter in almost two months because I’m still angry at you. The only problem is that I can’t get you out of my life because your voice is still in my head. Even though you aren’t actually here for me, my memories of you are still supporting me through this place and that makes me angry.
The more I think of how things ended between us, the angrier I get.
I realize now why it bothered me that you never reached out. It wasn’t that I wanted attention or I had some kind of fantasy where you would show up and save me. I wondered if I did for a while, but now I know why I was so upset.
You never stopped ghosting me. The moment that Martha got sick, you cut me off. You’re still doing it now.
You knew how my parents treated me, Toni. You knew.
You knew that my father wouldn’t talk to me for days after I kissed Becca, and you still ignored me completely after Martha got sick, even when I begged you to talk. You called me needy for trying to understand why you were icing me out. You called me selfish. You let me spiral out for days.
I wasn’t making Martha’s sickness about myself, I was trying to talk to you because I cared about you. You know that.
You let me absolutely hate myself for letting the boat go and I’m only just now seeing how cruel that was.
The worst part is that I still feel like I’ve got you with me everywhere, making me feel supported and loved just like you did out there. I don’t understand any of it. The other girls care about me more than you do, I should be thinking of them, but for some reason I’m still clinging to my memory of you for reassurance and love. I still feel safe when I remember your voice.
I want you out of my head but I also want you with me forever.
I know, I’m confused too.
–Shelby
March 31, 2021
Toni,
I’ve been stewing all day because I can’t stop thinking of you. I have a memory of you mentioning your birthday. The last day in March, right?
If my memory’s correct and it’s your eighteenth birthday, how are you celebrating? Hopefully Martha has pulled out all the stops for such a big milestone.
Even if you’re far from being my favorite person right now, you still deserve to have an amazing eighteenth.
Happy birthday,
–Shelby
May 14th, 2021
Toni,
This morning I went on a hike with my roommate. She’s always seemed really dedicated to this whole ex-gay stuff even though I tell her that it’s all bullshit. I actually thought that she hated me for most of the year, but now I don’t think she does. A part of me kind of hated her too up til today.
She always reminded me too much of myself for me to like her. Now she reminds me of myself in a different way I guess. I respect her for it, so maybe that also means I respect myself for the same thing.
The teachers here don’t trust me one bit, I’m always mouthing off and getting myself in trouble, but they trust her so they assumed we wouldn’t get up to anything and let us go on a nature hike without supervision this morning.
I didn’t really want to go, but I’m trying to be as supportive as I can to everyone here so I did. Not everyone here is as lucky as I am—a lot of them never had the chance to find out who they are before they got sent here.
We were halfway through our hike when she turned around and kissed me. It took me by surprise, but it probably shouldn’t have in retrospect.
Long story short, we ended up having sex right in the middle of the forest. At one point, I heard you in my head when I shifted to get off a rock that was digging into my back. I could hear your laugh, and thought about how you would probably say that I didn’t have to do this shit now that I’m in a world that has mattresses.
I hate that I thought of you when I was with someone else.
Afterward she told me that I was her first. Hours later, I still don’t know how to feel about that.
I know better than anyone what a huge responsibility that the person playing that role has. I hope I was as good to her as you once were to me. She definitely needs someone supportive to help her through the terrifying feelings she’s probably feeling, and I’m so afraid of fucking that up.
She cried afterward and asked me to hold her and talk to her. I didn’t know what to say, so I just thought about what I needed to hear under that lychee tree. You always got it right.
I told her that she could figure things out at her own pace and that she could always talk to me. I told her that there was nothing broken in her and that all of her was beautiful.
She thanked me and said that I had no idea what that meant to her. I do, though. I know exactly what it means.
So I’d like to call a truce with the version of you that’s stuck in my head. I’d also like to thank you.
Thank you for helping me become the kind of person who knows what to say. I’m still angry at you, but I’m not as angry as I was yesterday. Maybe it’s better to focus on the good moments that we had together. It wouldn’t be hard, there were a lot of them.
Before we had sex, when I checked in with her to make sure that she really wanted to sleep with me, she told me that all she wanted was to know what being with a woman was like and nothing more. She said she was scared to get too close, even as friends, and I understand what she meant by that. I’ve had that before, not with you, but I know what it feels like to need to cut all ties with someone out of fear.
Is that what you did? Were you afraid? Are you still afraid?
She told me that she respects how I talk back to the teachers when they say really messed up shit. She said that I’m beautiful, kind, and brave, and I was surprised that anyone other than you and the others from the island would see me as kind or brave.
I like that someone here thinks that about me. Maybe more people will someday.
I also hope she means it when she says she doesn’t want more than an experience, because I can’t offer her love. I can’t offer myself much love either, but I think I know why now.
I think that the reason I hear your voice when I want to hear something kind is because I can’t say them to myself. It helps to imagine you saying it, because you’ve been the only person that I truly believed ever really loved me. You’re the only person who has ever seen all of me, after all. But I can’t believe that nobody else will love me anymore, because someday someone will.
I am also going to start trying to use my own voice, not one I've borrowed from you.
If my roommate approaches me again, I’ll probably sleep with her again. If I do, I’ll be upfront about exactly why I’m sleeping with her.
I would never let her think that I’m getting anything out of it other than to help allay some of my own self-hatred.
I would never let her believe that we could have anything more than some fun in the woods while we're stuck in a bad situation. That would be cruel.
Wouldn’t it, Toni?