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“So, I went online today while you were gone...” I nearly topple over as I turn around to look at him. Oh my god, this face! So so cute. But not so cute now, as I see the anger in his eyes.
“I told you not to do that!” “I know, I know, spoilers and stuff” he spits out, as he starts furiously walking through the room. Without getting anywhere, really, mind you. He just keeps on pacing through the room forcefully, as if he's got too much energy that he needs to get out of his system. Or is it anger? I wonder, as I try to catch his gaze. I start getting a bit concerned – and a bit annoyed, to be honest, I don't like people pacing angrily through my room. Bad vibes. But at the same time the absolutely Heartstopper-obsessed part of my brain screams “LOOK AT THOSE FRECKLES! I grinned, like I always do when watching my favorite show.
“So?” I prompt. He looks at me for a moment as if unsure what to do before he sits down on my bed. I'm glad it's not raining I think a tad bit sarcastically. That must have been a hell of a proper full on gay crisis. I chuckle. He looks at me indignantly. I need to remind myself that this boy is only 16 and not 20.
Well, I’m a teacher, I should be able to deal with this after all.
As I slowly start towards my bed to see what this is actually all about I grab the back of my computer chair and roll it with me in order to sit down and face Nicholas “Nick” Nelson, who is sitting on my bed right now– fully dry, thank God! – and who has thankfully not yet seen the Alice Oseman book collection on my bookshelf. I make a mental note to myself to move them into the cupboard downstairs for the time being – with all caution and care they deserve, and not without promising them that they would be back beside my bed as soon as possible.
“What? What is it?”
He sighs and wrenches his hands. Okay, teacher mode.
“I can see that you’re angry. Apparently something upset you – something you saw online. Wanna tell me?”
He looks at me, his eyes full of anger, but also so sad that it breaks my heart. Nick, no! No, no, no, no! I have to be careful not to say it out loud, as I frequently used these exact words to scream at my TV, although they were mostly directed at Charlie in these moments. Ah well, dammit, at least I can kinda keep my dignity and keep the tears in. I’ve never managed that when watching.
“Kit Connor.”
Statement.
“What about him?” Damn me, that's the silliest thing you could have said! I snort at myself. He obviously thinks it's directed at him and nearly pokes a finger in my face.
He's angry, acknowledge that and listen! my teacher mode makes itself heard. I sigh. “What did you see about Kit Connor that upset you so much?”
He looks at me, both hands now lying on either side of him as if he needs to find support to keep his balance. Looking at him I realize that he has tears in his eyes. Not many, not full on proper full on gay crisis, but they´re unmistakingly there.
“He...he came out as bisexual, too?” Although it's a question it really isn't one as I now have a very VERY good idea what he is talking about. Oh no! That story had to have come into my mind a hundred times, and now I’m actually gonna have to deal with that? I decide to be curious and see how the story would unfold.
“Yeah, he did,” I just say. He closes his eyes for a moment, apparently deep in thought. Funny, watching it on the screen he always seems so mature, almost too mature for his age. But now he just seems like a regular kid. Okay, to be fair, I don't see him through Charlie's eyes right now, which might add to the effect.
He gets up again and – not again! – starts pacing through my room.
“No, he didn´t,” he states flatly. I look at him surprised. He sees my questioning gaze and starts rambling “He didn’t! He didn't get to do it on his own terms! He was forced out! And just because people are so fucking stupid!”
Did I just hear that right? Maybe season 3. My jaw almost cracks as I`m trying not to grin. I feel guilty. This isn't funny – never has been.
“Yeah, I know, that was...” I stopped. Heartbreaking? Can I use that word? It WAS what I had felt at the time, sure, but would it be appropriate to use now? With this boy? I mean, I would never use it to Kit Connor´s face, that's for sure. “That was messed up” was what I settled for. Nice one. I let myself feel a little proud of myself.
“Had I come out already? In the show, I mean?” You mean had he come out as you in the show already.
“Only to your mom” I say, trying to make my voice as soothing as possible. Having practiced this exact conversation a hundred times in my head, I don't much like where it's going now, now that I have an actual person staring back at me. Oh well, this really IS a sort of reality check. All you online trolls should try it sometime.
I get up and go over to him. Can I take his hand? I really don't know him that well, so hugging is completely out of the question. In the end I settle for a slight touch at his right shoulder, utilizing the touch to lead him gently to my chair. As he falls into it I sit down on my bed. Actually really dry. If stares could murder yourself.
“I don't get it,” he says quietly. “I mean...” looking for words. “You told us how beloved the show was. That people loved it because it was so happy but at the same time showed how tough it was for me to figure all this stuff out.” He pauses for a moment and then looks at me imploringly. “Don´t tell Charlie I said that?”
I allow myself a little laugh. “Don´t you worry, I think he has a pretty good idea about that.” Nick chuckles. “Where is he, by the way?”
Nick´s gaze becomes dreamy, like it always does when he is thinking of Charlie. Oh, Kit Connor, you´re a brilliant actor, but you didn't catch half the sweetness of THIS expression! “He fell asleep while we were watching a movie. I didn't wanna wake him, so I went online.” After watching Charlie sleep for at least half an hour! My poor heart is melting. Dammit!
His eyes snap back to reality. Or, at least, you know, this reality.
“And all because he was seen holding hands with a girl ?” my sweet Nick spits out. “I mean, that's ridiculous! Don't people in – you know – your world – not know what bisexual means?” The thought crosses my mind to remind him that Kit Connor had not come out at that point yet. But I stopped myself. What does that even matter?
He gets out of the chair again – don't start pacing again! – and sits down beside me. I’m not sure how to react. He clearly needs some kind of comfort, and with Charlie fast asleep on my couch I’m the only one left. But I still don't know what to do, so I just sit with him in silence, waiting for his next words, trying to send him all the comfort I can.
“How did he cope? That's an awful way to come out” he says while looking at his hands that are folded in his lap. I sigh. How HAD he coped? Sigh again.
“He kinda deleted Twitter, and isn't really seen much on social media these days. Unless he's promoting one of his projects or he is hanging out with the Heartstopper cast.”
“They're still hanging out?” he asks eagerly. Oh thank God for this turn of the conversation!
“Yeah, sometimes, when they find the time” I hurry to assure him.
He turns to look at me, a little lopsided smile on his face, sprinkled with pride just for good measure. “So they're friends?” he asks hopefully.
Well, I guess if I feel connected to them just because of a TV show he must feel that even more. “Well, I mean, I don´t know them obviously, but they really seem pretty close. It's hilarious sometimes” I add, nearly bursting into laughter as I think of my favourite moments of them together. How much joy they have brought us!
He must have seen the beginning of a huge grin on my face, because his freckled face suddenly starts beaming. “That's sick!” Aha, so him and David ARE actually related after all. Who would have thought!
“Are...” he starts, but his eyes dart to the floor. I take a guess. “They're friends. Really close ones it seems,” I say softly. Of course he would be interested. But the thought of him – HIM of all people! - being unable to ask that question is endearing.
“I still don’t understand how that all happened” Here we go again! Big sigh this time. “I mean, people watched me go through this – I mean they watched him playing ... you know what I mean” he finishes a bit impatiently, clearly not having fully wrapped his head around our current situation.
“And do’´t I know it. But as you said, people are really stupid sometimes.” “Yeah, guess so” he says in a slightly – no, VERY – exasperated voice. Suddenly he looks up at me again, realisation on his face “Do you think he went through the same thing as I did? Maybe even at the time he – you know - was me?”
How often had I wondered about that!
Nick had turns around and starts walking towards my bookshelf. Probably just to have a destination, but my thoughts turn to the Alice Oseman Collection once more. “I don´t know” I say truthfully, returning to my bed to give Nick some space. “Could be” I add with a slightly pained undertone. Poor you, people can be so fucking stupid! “I guess it's different for everyone”
And how would I know that? Could you please please please include IMPORTANT stuff like that in your teacher's training??? Please?
Nick stops. “I saw a picture of him. He seemed happy.” He sounds unsure and a bit vulnerable – like a kid. No pun intended. “I hope so,” I sigh. I really do. Like really, REALLY do.
Nick turns around again, looking at me with furrowed brows. “Can I see? I mean, Kit and ...”
“Joe Locke” I finish for him. How strange hearing him use that name while Kit Connor’s face is literally staring back at me – just a bit younger and more freckled. Well, there ARE a few differences, I have to admit. Sorry Kit, but I think Nick beats you there!. I smile fondly.
“Let's see ...” I say as I get up from my bed again to open up my laptop on my desk. There were many clips of the cast that had made me laugh when I saw them, but my mind now jumps straight to that hilarious car ride with Kit and Joe that I had saved on YouTube. They had seemed so at ease with each other, and it was just so SO funny! Yeah, I’m gonna show him this one. With a nod to my chair I tell him to take a seat. He rolls the chair over back to my desk while I´m opening up my favorites on YT.
And there it was. Kit Connor and Joe Locke, sitting in the backseat of a car, taking us around London. Nick’s eyes widen as he eagerly watches those two banter away.
“Feels weird” he mutters, eyes fixed on my desktop. “I mean, they’re us but at the same time – they´re not us?” He looks at me with a question mark.
“Well, they are their own people, you know. And they’re older. But I guess...” I remember my theatre days back at uni and add: “I guess an actor always puts a little of themselves into their roles?” I offer.
He smiles and turns back to the image. I join him. “They quite liked being you, I think” Do they still though? After all that's happened? Nick lets out a big snort as Joe Locke gives his famous “London just naturally calls to me.”
“Dork” Nick whispers, his eyes sparkling with laughter. Oh, I can DEFINITELY see some similarities now, I think. Soon, Nick is laughing. just as I had laughed fondly about those two so many times.
”They really seem like good friends,” he concludes. I look at him. He seems really really happy about that fact. Then his face darkens a bit. “Do you think they have someone? Someone who ... makes them feel special?”
You mean like Charlie? I look at the screen, the two of them now trying to tell the story about meeting Olivia Coleman. I think about Nick’s question, and pictures I had seen on social media pop into my mind. I close my eyes for a moment. Oh Joe, I'm so sorry. I had made a point of deliberately calling them Joe Locke and Kit Connor, as the prospect of just calling them Kit and Joe seemed to me a bit inappropriate. I mean, I don’t know them, they don’t know me. But maybe I’m just a bit old-fashioned.
But sometimes, when my fondness just takes over, they´re just that – Kit and Joe. Hope that's okay, though.
“I'm sure they have people that really love them” I hope? “And if they haven't found their special someone yet I think they will one day If they choose to.” Heartstopper – really educational. In the best way possible! If people had just listened! And there is the anger again.
Nick’s “What?”, which is full of admiration, helps me back to reality again. Ah, the bit about the musical! I giggle, thinking of those wonderful backstage pictures Joe Locke had posted. Gosh, I really need to get back into doing theatre! Thanks for the inspiration!.
“Yeah” I say, smiling. “I like that part. Especially since he's just finished his first musical on Broadway”
“He did WHAT now?” Nick´s head flies in my direction, his hair not catching up quick enough, resignedly falling over his eyes.
I chuckle. “Yeah, he did. It was a big success, and he seemed to really enjoy it.” If you enjoyed it only half as much as I did you are a lucky, lucky guy. “That man can really sing,” I add, looking back at the backseat.
“Good for him” Nick says with a hint of admiration and – pride? – in his voice. Ah well, he does look like Charlie after all.
“But they haven't said anything about being in a relationship, and they have made it quite clear that they're only very good friends” I continue, trailing back to Nick´s initial question.
He jumps out of the chair so quickly I instinctively retreat a step. He busies himself with closing my laptop, but I can see that his face has gone lobster pink. God, even his hands are blushing! “Relationship” he says in a flat voice.
Oh, oh oh oh OH NO! He makes a very strong point not to look at me and is desperately searching for something to keep his hands busy.
“So, erm—yeah, you know, me and Charlie are in ---a relation-relationship” Well DUH . The red on his face is getting more intense by the second. What the heck! My face is probably not looking that much better, considering how hot it feels all of a sudden.
“The...the show...ehrm...well...did you see...” Poor poor boy.
“No, I have not” I answer truthfully, not having read past volume three in order not to spoil myself before October. The debate wasn't over though. Cautiously I add “The show’s not – there yet”
He closes his eyes, clearly relieved, but also searching for the right words to clearly put out there just exactly what is bothering him. And I know. Authors always do, don’t they?
“Will you ---I m..mean ---are you going to ---watch?” Oh my LORD.
“Well, “ – choose wisely now! “I´m not particularly looking forward to that. I mean...” as I saw a slightly indignant smile form on his face. “It's nothing to do with you, I mean, you two are clearly into each other like that and it's only natural that...” You´re babbling, you moron! “Okay, look: I don't like actors having sex scenes, okay? Especially young ones. I've heard some actors talk about how uncomfortable and awkward sex scenes are, and I just wouldn't want them to have to go through that.”
Okay, point taken. My god, you’re such a helicopter Mom. The trailer for Romeo and Juliet pops into my mind, and I close my eyes for a second. Even that had made me feel a bit uncomfortable, it was like watching one of my students instead of an actor. I can literally feel millions of teens and young adults cringe at me. I’m just too old I sigh.
“Okay...” he ponders for a moment. “But...will you...I mean...ehrm” Oh my god, and I already loved him in the show!
“Would it make you feel uncomfortable?” There it was. BAM. Teacher self defeating fan girl self. Oh well, I guess I should be proud of that.
He finally looks at me, an almost apologetic and so sweet expression on his face, puppy eyes indeed! I chuckle, utterly defeated. “Fine, no more watching-Nick-and-Charlie-making-out” I manage to say. His face lights up. “But” I add as an afterthought, so so glad that I at least had thought of that. I raise my finger in my best I'm-the-teacher-so-you-listen-now pose. “Everything up till now is not included in this promise, since it´s all strictly PG 13 and I've already seen it anyway. Deal?”
“Deal!” he confirms, holding out his hand. I take it and shake it – oooh, I liked that one! - in order to seal the contract. My poor fangirl heart! At the rate that these two were making out in season two that deal could well mean missing half of the show. Various teasing interviews come to mind. Maybe even more I grimace. Shit!
When I finally manage to look back at him he has sat down again. YT had just played on, and now we are onto an interview with Joe Locke about Agatha. Nick’s eyes widen – well – considerably. “Whoah, he's also going to be in a Marvel show!?!”
You like that, don´t you? I can´t, I just burst out laughing. Soon Nick is laughing with me. “Don’t tell Charlie how cool this Joe Locke guy is, I think he might want to swap places!”
A big yawn drifts from the door through the room. A sleepy voice is asking “What's going on? How long have I been asleep?” I look at Charlie standing right here in my room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, his beautiful curls totally disheveled from my couch and a dreamy look on his face, his gorgeous eyes sparkling. Then it hits me, as I follow his gaze to Nick who has an equally dreamy expression on his face, his beautiful hazel eyes widened, a so so sweet smile twirling his lips as he is looking at Charlie. They stand there for a moment, just looking into each other's eyes, until they finally leap into each other's arms, Nick gently stroking over dark, silky curls, Charlie nuzzling contentedly into his shoulder, giving one of those adorable giggles that Kit Connor had stated were mainly because of him. Well, I don´t know about that, I think with a grin, but these giggles are definitely because of Nick.
Don’t you worry, my boy, I don’t think Charlie would trade any universe with yours!I love you so, so much, my boys. And, Kit and Joe, I love you two. Take good care of yourselves!
Like a VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE (...) once wrote for Joe Locke: “You’re amazing! [...] Stay healthy, be happy, and get some rest!”
And I'll do the same now. Good night.