Chapter Text
[Seven months ago, in Goro's dorm]
"Do you remember when–" Ren cut himself off to let out a burst of slurred laughter. He snorted. Vodka trickled down his chin, and he wiped it away haphazardly. "Fuck, nooo!"
"You're making a mess."
"No, you're making a mess."
"That makes zero sense, idiot."
The dim lighting of Goro's dorm cast a hazy glow on the scene. With half-lidded eyes, Ren slumped further into the empty bathtub. He observed himself: still clothed, giggling, and fucking wasted. The porcelain looked freshly cleaned, shiny and spotless. A metal rack full of bottles stood in the corner of the tub. Ren made out the words shampoo and conditioner through his blurred vision—luxury brands, of course. The air smelled of alcohol—bitter and headache-inducing—along with some fancy incense burning.
Why were they in the bathtub?
Ren rubbed his eyes, trying to force his mind to work. The last thing he remembered was some drinking competition and then…
It was the first time Ren had seen Goro since he'd been released from a rehabilitation center. Goro told him it was the one his mom used to stay at. They exchanged letters over the six months of Goro's stay, which was all their contact. He hoped he'd finally move on. Instead of having feelings for a literal assassin, maybe he could settle down with a nice girl! Or guy! And yet, he remained a fool, chasing after a broken man who would, in turn, break him too. Goro created a new life for himself. He was a college student, had a part-time job, and joined the debate team. And that was amazing, really, but a part of him couldn't help but loathe the fact that Goro moved on while he still had nightmares of the engine room and the look Goro gave him on the last night in Maruki's reality. Sighing, he ran his hands through his curls. The motion soothed his turbulent thoughts.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Goro slurred. "You look troubled."
He blamed his subsequent actions on the alcohol. It was the alcohol that made him scoot closer until their shoulders pressed together. It was the alcohol that made him touch Goro's wrist gently as if he were glass. And it was definitely the alcohol that made him press his cheek to his shoulder. Soft hair tickled his cheek. "I missed you." In response, Goro's breath hitched. He tensed but didn't shove him away, instead tipping his head back and frowning. Frizzy brown locks of hair hung over the tub, and the dim lighting reflected on his collarbones made him look otherworldly, like an angel or god.
His eyes burned. Here, Goro was real and alive, and Ren couldn't stop seeing his ghost. "You're here," he said, and his voice cracked.
Hesitantly, Goro nodded. "Yes," he whispered. "I am."
The bathroom was silent. Ren's heart hammered in his chest, and his palms were clammy. The adrenaline coursing through him was like the rush he used to get when fighting shadows: cloying yet addicting. A droplet of sweat slid down his temple. His curls were damp and clung to his neck. Distantly, a police siren went off. That didn't matter, though. What mattered was this: Goro Akechi in his arms after two long, painful years of dreaming about what he'd feel like. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. If he let go, would Goro disappear again?
"Ren," Goro said in an uncharacteristically soft voice. His lips parted as he stared at him without blinking. There was an intense look on his face, and Ren didn't know how to handle that. It was unnerving to be looked at with such fondness, especially from Goro. All their interactions had layers upon layers of unsaid words. Words that they couldn't and wouldn't say. And now, they were laid bare and stripped of the walls and armor they hid behind. He swallowed, dragging his thumb across the slight stubble on Ren's jaw.
Oh, god. Freezing, Ren inhaled sharply. His eyes widened. A small, startled noise escaped him. All he could do was stare, breathless and stupidly in love. Foolishly, wholeheartedly, endlessly in love. It consumed him—left him aching like a dog—a dog, searching for scraps, for a sign that Goro wanted him. "You want to kiss me so bad," Ren somehow managed to tease. His gaze fell to the plump, pink lips that glistened with saliva. What would it be like to kiss him?
Their eyes met. Goro narrowed his own, emotionally constipated like usual. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. Oh my fucking god, were they about to kiss?! They were about to kiss!
"And you have since we were younger, right ?"
A choked sound left Goro's lips, and he growled. "Oh, shut up, you goddamn fool."
"Make me."
When their lips finally met, it was soft. Hesitant. His hand went to cup the back of Goro's head, grasping strands of his silky hair. His lips were chapped against Ren's softer ones, and the taste of alcohol lingered on his lips. It wasn't a very good kiss, objectively. It was off-center and a bit awkward but so them: imperfect yet beautiful together. After a minute or so, they separated.
Eyes wide, Ren eloquently said, "Nice." His heartbeat remained fast, and his face burned. The way Goro looked at him didn't help: disbelieving and vulnerable. He touched his lips. So many different emotions flashed across Goro's face–emotions he'd never seen on him. With uncoordinated moments, he grasped the hand resting on his cheek. He slid Goro's glove off, and a pale, slender hand became visible. Those hands killed. Those delicate fingers once clutched a gun aimed at the innocent—at him in the interrogation room. Gently, he pressed their palms together. Goro's hand was warm, a bit sweaty, and calloused. The other man's fingers twitched before eventually curling and settling his hand on Ren's. Looking into his eyes, Ren felt himself fall deeper. He was falling and sinking, and there was no way out. "Was that...good?"
The other man seemed dazed. His face scrunched up, and he wiped his lips. An indecipherable emotion shone in his maroon eyes. At the same time, he didn't appear hostile or upset. More so confused.
Huh. Maybe Goro didn't enjoy it? Still, Ren pushed on. "I've waited so long," he whispered. "I've wanted this—wanted you—since we were seventeen. I—fuck. I'm in love with you, Goro."
Goro froze. His breath hitched. "What?" He hastily pulled away and stared wide-eyed at Ren. Suddenly, he seemed sober and alert. The haziness in his eyes faded, replaced by fear.
Fear?
"You…love me?"
In an instant, Ren knew how the night would end. How could he forget who this was? Goro Akechi: a scared, broken man. No, a boy.
A coward.
Ren Amamiya was not a coward. Despite the tightness in his chest and the burning in his eyes, he nodded. "I do, and I think you love me too. No, I know it."
Instead of responding, Goro hugged himself. Oh, how badly Ren wanted to take him into his arms and comfort him.
"Don't do this, Goro. We've been playing games for far too long. It's time to—"
"It's getting late."
Three words, yet they managed to hurt more than anything he could have said. Falling silent, Ren gave him another chance. Please, he thought. Don't do this. Not when I finally have you back.
"You should…leave, Amamiya."
Ren's lower lip wobbled. Goro's expression turned cold, and he felt it in his bones. Most of the fight had been drained from him, leaving a pit of emptiness. Amamiya. So that's what he was now?
"No." Ren let out a forceful breath. "No fucking way. You can't act like that and then kick me out!" Fingers curling into fists, he glared at the other man. "You held me. You kissed me. Stop playing games with me!"
"Games?" A mean smile twisted his once peaceful features. "I have never loved you. You have been nothing more than a," his chest heaved, "a—a goddamn nusence! You mean nothing to me, Amamiya!"
It wasn't true, Ren logically knew. This was Goro being Goro. Still, his words echoed in his mind like a taunt. Nothing to me. Nothing to me. Raw emotion spilled from his voice, and he almost looked like he did in the engine room during their fight.
"Fuck you," Ren hissed. "Seriously, fuck you, you piece of shit!" As he frantically wiped away the hot tears that burned a trail down his cheeks, he stumbled out of the tub.
Goro followed hot on his heels. "I thought you loved me," he sneered. Despite his words, his voice cracked.
Ren felt like he had returned to that cold February night in Leblanc with the lights dimmed and in his sleepwear, his hand squeezing the leather glove in his pocket. When they stared at each other, when Goro demanded, 'I won't wait another moment for your answer, ' and he told him they would defeat Maruki. When he watched him leave Leblanc, knowing the man he loved would once again haunt his memories.
"Drink some water, and don't forget to eat before sleeping." He glanced at Goro, saw the pained fear on his face, and knew things would never change. And then he forced a blank expression on his face as he exited the dorm.
As he left, Goro shouted, "Good! Leave! I don't want you! I don't need you or anybody!"