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Not enough.
Even after… I try, I try so hard…
Still not enough.
Never enough. I'll never be…
“Nong~”
I don't even need to take a look in order to know who it is.
She's poking my cheeks again.
I raise my head from the table, just to see her smiling in front of me.
“Stop following me.”
“Tch.” She rolls her eyes at me, as a quick sigh escapes her mouth. “Why are you like this? I want to spend time with you~!”
That phi…
“Are humans really so useless that they need to have someone with them at all times?”
She frowned at me as her mouth opened.
Is she mad?... I was genuinely asking, though.
“It’s called ‘friendship’, Aylin.” She sighed. “You want to spend time with those you like, it normally works like that.”
Ah yes. I know what friendship is, maybe…
“I’m busy, human Phi. Go somewhere else.”
She sighed even harder this time, before letting her head fall on the table; in the same way she encountered me earlier.
“No, I’m staying here. Just ignore me, I’ll be quiet…”
She really is determined...
I continued studying as she just layed there. After a while, I sensed that the usual thirty minutes of break were starting to come to an end, so I decided to close my book in order to go back to class.
As I lifted my head, however, she was staring at me.
A cough forced itself out of my throat because of the sudden weird yank in my chest.
I looked away rapidly. I could still see her start smiling through the corner of my eye.
“You were too quiet. I thought you fell asleep.”
“I said I would be quiet, to not disturb you.”
“... I’m going to class.”
“Wait, Aylin—”
I stood up as fast as I could, to prevent her from chasing after me.
It felt as if she didn’t even chase me, though. I was able to put the book back on the shelf before exiting the book room.
I didn’t see her again for the rest of the day.
“Aylin, are you sure you’re not hungry?”
Cousin Phi has knocked on my door six times already.
I’m tired, so I do not answer anymore.
“Are you asleep?...”
After a little silence, she speaks to me again.
“I have somewhere to go, but there’s some food on the fridge, okay?” She gave a little tap to the door, I heard it. “Please don’t go all day without eating…”
I sighed.
I… I’m really hungry…
I slap my face. It wakes me up again.
“No. Keep studying.”
Eating takes time. I need to study for as long as I can.
As long as I can…
I force myself to stay focused and awake, but the pain in my stomach won’t go away. My eyes are closing by themselves, too.
“No, please…”
It’s been about seven hours, but I feel like I have done nothing. I am not advancing at all.
All I can see is blurry. My notebook got wet with tears.
I’m angry.
“Why are you so useless?, why does it take you so long?, you should be doing it faster, like the normal people do…”
I scream at myself.
I try to eat what P’Alpha made, but I just feel guilty.
I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy anything.
I didn’t earn it.
I…
“Hey, it’s dangerous to leave the door open like that, you know?”
My neck hurts.
It’s that phi again. Why is she in my room all of a sudden?
“I didn’t do anything.”
I sit up.
“Don’t act like I’m blaming you for something, dummy~ Just be more careful from now on.”
She smiles as she pokes my cheek.
Why does her presence feel so…
“Why are you here?”
I remember.
I was crying, and then I fell asleep on the floor.
“I wanted to see you, so I came here. Turns out the house was completely unlocked, for some reason. I just had to walk up to your room.”
She sat down, next to me.
“What if I wasn’t here?”
She laughed for some reason.
Her laugh gives me a very peculiar sensation. I somehow… stopped being sad for a moment.
“Where else would you be?, I can’t picture you anywhere else.”
She looked at me, waiting for a reaction.
Her eyes…
So bright.
So full of… life.
“By the way,”
She got very close to me. I felt like a little insect being observed.
“have you… been crying?”
I inhaled sharply while looking down, away from her, even more.
I guess my eyes feeling heavier than usual is not only noticeable for me.
“Why do you care?”
“Are we not friends?”
She stayed quiet for too long, so I felt like I had to look at her.
She smiled at me.
I didn’t understand why I had trouble breathing normally all of a sudden.
“You look like… your heart is very heavy right now.” She poked in the middle of my collarbone, gently; just like her voice, “I would like to help you carry whatever it is, if you let me.”
What is it?
Why does it feel so nice?
Why does it make me want to smile so much?, but why do I want to cry so much?
Why are her arms around me?
Why is she letting me dirty her clothes with the endless tears coming out of my eyes?
Why do I feel…
“You can cry. Cry all you want; don’t hold back.”
Safe…
Why doesn’t it feel like she’s looking at me in a weird way for being like this?
“I am so... useless…”
I must have been possessed by something.
Or, maybe, I felt like it would be okay to speak out; the words going round and round in my head.
Finally…
“I will never be able to get into a good university, be a top student—I… I don’t—Why couldn’t I be normal?, why couldn’t I be like everybody else?, if I had known it from the beginning, I…”
Why is she not pushing me away, as I violently sob and scream into her neck?
So safe…
“You are more than enough, Aylin.”
She is caressing my hair.
“You are more than just how good you are at school. You are so much more than a ‘good’ university; so much more than—”
“Stop being so nice...”
She sighed, the same way she did that day in the library.
“Look at me.”
I didn’t move.
So she took my head with her hands, and forced me to look into her eyes.
She looked like… like she wanted to cry, too.
But why?
She’s not the one with a problem, so why…
“I have too much respect fot you, so I see no reason to lie to your face just like that.”
Her eyes went back and forth between mine, as she looked at me fiercely.
“But humans always do that thing, they… because they don’t want to say the truth, they hide behind words that are not true so that—”
Her face was abruptly very close to mine.
Her lips touched mine, and after one second, they weren’t there anymore.
“I love you.”
I felt my heartbeat.
Too fast, just like my breath.
She was crying now, too.
She lowered her head, and her hands now rested on my shoulders.
“Why are you crying?”
“I told you already.” She sniffed. “I love you, Aylin.”
She looked at me again.
“I am not lying to you. I would not lie to you, for any reason. I know that right now you can't see it; how much of a great person you are. But I…”
Why is she doing it…
“I want to help you understand it, slowly.”
Why me, though…?
“How…”
“I can’t tell you what the future is going to look like, but I can love you right now.”
“But I—”
She did it again.
Put her lips on top of mine, without letting me speak.
“So I will love you as much as I can, so that your brain is so full of love that there’s no room for doubts or unnecessary thoughts.”
In between tears, she smiled.
She looked so pretty, so I did it too.
I also wanted to do it; that thing people do when they like someone so much that they don’t know how else to say it anymore.
I pushed my lips against hers, and when I drew back, she was smiling widely again.
So, a kiss can make someone this happy…
I wouldn’t like doing it with anybody else, though.
Seems like it’s a very exclusive thing.
“I've always wanted to tell you... your eyes are so big~, I like them.”
Her compliment made me smile.
I might become addicted to this fuzzy feeling inside me every time she does anything.
“Your lips are very soft, I like them.”
It confused me how she didn’t answer, but instead just blinked rapidly a couple of times before starting to wipe away my tears with the sleeves of her sweater.
So I also wiped away hers, with my hands.
I wonder if her cheeks hurt from how big she’s smiling. I wonder; is there a limit to how big humans can smile?
I would like to try it.
I didn’t feel like I had to make an effort of some sort; it just happened naturally.
“Hm. It does, just a little bit…”
“Huh?, what did you say?”
“Big smiles can be a little bit painful. I figured it out just now.”
She laughed.
She’s very cute. I think I’m starting to pay more attention to her.
After having wiped my tears away, she leaned forward. She put her arms around my waist, and her head on my shoulder.
I rested my head on top of hers, too.
“Human warmth feels nice…”
I closed my eyes.
“It is, if you’re with someone you like.”
I felt her voice resonating into my neck.
“I like human Phi a lot. Maybe that’s why.”
She laughed again, and she hugged me tighter.
I want her to keep laughing more...
Ongsa didn’t really answer my question that one day.
But I’m not seeking an answer anymore. I found the answer by myself.
The one who calls herself the moon helped me find it.
☪︎