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Buck is not sure if he’ll survive losing Bobby.
The sheer thought that Bobby might die is making his eyes watery. No more late-night calls because Buck can’t sleep (they’ve done this a lot since he was struck by lightning and Buck loved every one of it). No more cooking meals together, no more trading recipes… because Bobby won’t exist anymore.
Because he is dead.
He knows he should head home, it’s past midnight and he’s craving for a good night's sleep - but he knows he won’t be sleeping until he knows Bobby is okay. Not: ‘He’s stable and we expect him to wake up’ Okay, he needs him to actually wake up so he can check for himself.
It’s late and although everyone on their team came by to check in on Bobby and Athena (who only has a slight smoke inhalation- thank god) they eventually went home.
“You’re coming home with me, or should I call Tommy?” asks Eddie - right he didn’t leave - but he shakes his head, eyes glued to the entrance of the ICU.
“Buck, you need to go home and rest.” Eddie sighs
“I’m not leaving.”
“Come on, I’ll take you home. You need to shower and eat something.” Eddie has his arms crossed in front of his chest as he talks to Christopher when he does something he isn’t supposed to.
“I’m not leaving,” he said again, hoping to make a point.
Eddie sighs again and Buck starts to feel bad because he has his own problems and things with Christopher are everything than good.
“I’m sorry, I just-”
Eddie interrupts him, “I know.” and then he adds, “Call me if you need anything.”
Buck nods and then he’s alone.
—
He heads to Athena’s room not only to check if she’s okay but also to just hear her voice. She’s always so positive about everything. If anyone can make him feel better it’s her.
“Hey Thena,” he mumbles and falls to the next chair which happens to stand beside her bed.
There’s some shifting and a few seconds later Athena grabs his hand. Buck looks into her red-rimmed eyes, feeling tears well up in his eyes as well and then a sob breaks through his throat and his whole body shivers.
There’s some more shifting and then his head is lying on Athena’s shoulder, “It’s gonna be okay Buckaroo.”
He sobs until the guilt fully overcomes him, he should be the one comforting Athena, not the other way around. After all, she is Bobby’s wife and no matter how hard Buck wants to be a part of the Grant-Nash family he’s not.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles in her chest.
“There’s nothing you have to be sorry for, I’m glad you’re here.”
—
Only two people are allowed in Bobby’s hospital room. May who arrived in the morning and Athena - still in her hospital gown - get to see him first.
So he waits until it’s his turn and he thinks it’s slowly killing him. So he texts Tommy.
“Bobby is in the hospital, wanna come in?”
He gets a response in less than a minute.
“Sorry can’t, I have a shift.”
“Can we call, I think I’m losing my mind.”
“Not right now, we’ll see each other tonight okay?”
“I’m staying at the hospital.”
“Okay, hang in there.”
Buck sighs. He is head over heels for Tommy but sometimes he’s not sure if Tommy even likes him. All the sarcastic comments where he’s not sure if they are meant lovingly or not. When Eddie teases him he doesn’t feel bad, so why is it so different with Tommy?
–
“Hey,” Eddie breaks the silence, in one hand he has coffee, and in the other is a bag from his favorite bakery. He looks exhausted like he didn’t sleep at all - Well he can relate to that.
“How’s Bobby, have you seen him yet?”
Buck shakes his head, “Thank you,” he murmurs when Eddie hands him the coffee and a sandwich.
“I haven’t built up the courage to see him.”
Eddie nods, “And then you will go home.” it wasn’t a question, it was a statement.
“I think I will stay as long as I can.” he takes a sip from his coffee. Coffee never made him feel less tired but it was refreshing and maybe it could help against his growing headache.
“And then you will go home,” Eddie states again, his arms are once again crossed in front of him and Buck knows this is not up for discussion.
Yet he tried.
“Maybe I’ll just sleep here, I mean-”
“Buck you can’t live in the hospital, as long as Bobby wakes up,” says Eddie sounding almost angry. Buck just stares at the ground, he knows he’s being a pain in the ass and no one wants to take care of a 31-year-old who can’t keep it together.
But it’s Bobby…
“- at some point, you need to shower, eat, and sleep in a decent bed. What if Bobby wakes up and sees you like this.”
And what if this is his breaking point? What if… because no one is sure he’ll wake up? If he ever wakes up. He feels tears prick in his eyes, he knows he should go home but it hurts. God, it hurts.
So instead of answering an obviously very concerned Eddie, he heads to Bobby’s room. Step by step, he can hear Eddie say something in the background but his ears are ringing and are overplaying every word Eddie says.
Tears roll down his cheeks when he opens the door.
He’s hooked up to a lot of monitors, the ventilator and the loud and steady beep of the heart monitor are the only noises in the quiet room. It’s terrifying to think that less than a year ago he was just like Bobby is now.
If Bobby was as scared as he is now?
“Hey Buckaroo,” says Athena, she’s still in her hospital gown and her voice sounds raspy.
They sit in silence.
—
“I will ask the nurses when I can get out of this.” she points at her hospital gown as she slowly walks to the door, “Will be back in a few minutes.”
Buck nods and can barely suppress a sob. Softly he grabs Bobby’s cold, lifeless hand.
“I- I hope you have a better coma dream than me.” he says, holding his hand like it’s his only lifeline, “Bobby-” a sob escapes his throat, “You’re one of the most important people in my life… if you die… I don’t know if I will survive this.”
“Losing you is my biggest fear… you raised me Bobby… in a way, my parents can only dream about… I need you.”
He feels breathless like the last ounce of air was sucked out of his body. Even more, tears roll down his cheeks until he can’t take it anymore and starts silently crying.
—
He must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing he realizes is that someone is gently stroking his hair.
“Are you awake?” It took him a few minutes until he realized it was Hen who was stroking his hair.
“...Hen?” he asks a little confused but stays in her warm, loving touch.
“You slept for almost ten hours.” she says and her voice is so full of love that Buck could start crying all over again, “Visiting hours are over.”
“Everyone head home?” he asks, his voice sore from all the crying.
“Almost,” she says, “Athena will stay the night, she even got her own bed and Eddie is waiting outside.”
“Why did he come back?” he asked, a little lost. Eddie has a lot to deal with at home. If Tommy couldn’t stop by, why would Eddie?
“He never left.”
“Oh,” and in this moment he realized it.
It’s Eddie, it’s always been Eddie and if he didn’t feel so miserable he would instantly confess his love. That’s why no relationship ever worked out. That’s why Tommy’s sarcastic comments make him feel bad but when Eddie does it, he feels loved and cared for.
It’s a weird feeling, a new feeling, and as soon as he is outside he lets himself plummet into Eddie’s embrace.
—
Dinner with the Diazes is nice, although he isn’t very hungry. He almost felt normal again, not like he would burst out in tears at any moment.
This lasted as long until he woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and heavily panting.
Bobby died. In his dream, Bobby died. It’s a dream he has had since the lightning strike and normally he would call Bobby and they would talk until he fell asleep, but now Bobby could actually die and his dream could be his new reality.
He doesn’t want to live in a world where Bobby is dead. Buck holds his hand before his mouth to silence the sobs that came out of his mouth.
He is terrified and now Bobby is not even there to calm him down.
“I’m alive kid, you’re okay.” That’s what he always said when he called him in the middle of the night.
Buck would suppress a sob but eventually would start crying and Bobby would tell him about a new recipe he found or what cooking show he started watching, although he hates every single episode.
Slowly Buck would feel better and maybe even join the conversation.
And then eventually he would fall asleep again, with Bobby whispering, “Good night kid, I love you.”
But now? He searches for his phone and almost frantically dials Bobby’s number. He just has to hear his voice again - maybe that would make him feel better.
His phone immediately goes to voicemail, “This is the phone of Captain Bobby Nash, please leave a message.”
He thought it would help to hear his voice again, but now he only feels worse. Maybe this was the last time he'd hear his voice again.
Suddenly there’s a knock on the door frame and when he turns back Eddie is standing there. His hair was ruffled from the few hours he got to sleep and only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts.
“You okay?” he asks softly, heading to the couch.
Buck shakes his head, “I’m sorry… didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay, I couldn't sleep anyway.” he can feel his presence, thighs against thighs, his one arm softly hugging Buck and then he breaks-
For the fifth time in two days.
“I miss him,” he admits, although it’s not a secret. His voice is breaking and he leans against Eddie’s chest when he starts to sob.
“I know, I miss him too,” he says and is now full-on embracing Buck, his hands are moving through his hair and it feels good, it feels right.
Like that, they fall asleep.
—
He sleeps until noon. He doesn’t mean to sleep that long but Eddie didn’t bother to wake him up. Bobby is now almost three days in a coma, just as long as he was before he woke up.
When he enters Bobby’s room it feels like all the air got sucked out of his body. Because Bobby’s bed was empty.
Anxiously he checked the room number again, no he had the right room number, which means-
Bobby died last night.
His dream became a crucial reality. While he spent the night in Eddie’s arms Bobby died.
He’s gone… dead…
He stares at the empty bed… this wasn’t fair… he didn’t have the chance to say goodbye…
“Buckaroo?” Athena says but her voice is muffled, it feels like he is underwater and he doesn’t have enough oxygen to come back to the surface. He will drown-
“Hey, are you listening to me?” she asked concerned.
“Is Bobby… why didn’t you call me… I wanted to say goodbye..”
This time he isn’t sobbing, just tears running down his cheeks. He doesn't think he can do it anymore.
“No, oh my god,” she says shocked and Buck’s fuzzy brain doesn't understand why.
“He has been moved to a different room, they try to pull him out of his coma. He should wake up in the next few days.”
And suddenly Buck felt like he could breathe again. Well almost, he still needed to wake up but that was a good step in the right direction.