Chapter Text
Kyouko wasn’t one for the intricacies of relationships. Friendships were a thing of necessity. Homura was only an exception because she followed the same line of thinking. Well, she used to. Now she suddenly had friends. God knows why.
She hadn’t been given many instructions, just to wait outside the train station closest to the newest thrift shop. Who knows why she even bothered to show up. Call it fate, the divine, whatever you want. Kyouko called it boredom on a Saturday.
Chatter drifted from around the corner, drawing her attention toward the approaching group of girls. Homura trailed along at the tail of the formation. Her eyes stayed glued to an almost glowing girl with bubblegum pink pigtails. At the forefront skipped a girl with baby blue hair and a bag covered in various pins. Beside her, a tall blonde with bags under her eyes.
You can tell a lot about a person based on their appearance. Kyouko only hoped they couldn’t tell shit about her.
“What’s up with the bright hair?” she said as soon as she stood face to face with the blue one. Said blue one narrowed her eyes.
“It’s a fashion choice and a political statement,” she replied. “Don’t be so quick to judge.”
“I wasn’t judging. Don’t be so quick to assume.” The two stood head on for a moment. It felt like standing at heavens gate, or maybe hell. She couldn’t tell.
“You must be Sakura!” said the blonde girl. “I’m Mami, it’s so nice to meet you! Homura has told us so much about you.”
“Just Kyouko is fine,” she muttered.
“I’m Madoka, and that’s Sayaka!” said the girl with the pigtails. So that was the girl Homura was obsessing over.
“Shall we head somewhere to eat now?” Mami said.
As they began to walk, Homura slid close to Kyouko’s side. The two liked their comfortable silence when it was due.
“Don’t mind Sayaka, she’s still learning her manners,” Homura said. Kyouko only responded with an eye roll. How bad of a first impression could that girl have made?
Mami’s apartment was adorable, even moreso due to the fact that it was vacant of adults.
“My parents are out of town on a business trip,” she explained as they all settled in. Lunch had been nice, but not nearly enough to satiate the void of hunger Kyouko needed to fill. As the other girls made themselves at home, she went off to find the fridge.
“Why’re you sneaking around?”
“Jesus fuck!” Kyouko shouted. “Why am I sneaking around? Why’re you sneaking around?!”
“I was just trying to catch you in the act,” Sayaka sniffed. She leaned against the door of the fridge and stuck out her hand. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Sayaka, and I know you’re Kyouko, but it’s polite to introduce yourself, right?”
Kyouko laughed as she shook the girls hand. She sure was odd.
“You sure are odd,” she said.
Sayaka rewarded her with a smile before opening the freezer and fishing out a popsicle. Their fingertips brushed as she handed it over, the light touch somehow different from shaking hands just moments before. She watched as Sayaka walked away and toward the group.
Opening the popsicle, she found herself disappointed. She’d always been more of a “cherry flavor” kinda girl, though she’d gotten blue raspberry. She wouldn’t complain, though. Not when the blue raspberry stained her mouth and left her lips with the promise of a new favorite flavor.
Kyouko didn’t like making friends. Homura had been easy, she barely talked unless spoken to first. Now, though, she seemed to have a friend group.
After that day, she found herself mysteriously added to some group chat called “The Magical Girls✨” which she thought was a stupid fucking name though she’d never tell anyone she dreamed of being a chosen one herself.
Suddenly, she was direct messaging Sayaka. She had no clue how or when it happened. Listless afternoons turned into plans to explore abandoned train tracks or touch up Sayaka’s roots.
Of course, she texted the others privately too. Sayaka wasn’t getting any special attention. She still called Homura to discuss manga updates, and both Madoka and Mami were actually decent gossips. Sayaka wasn’t special. Not to Kyouko. She couldn’t be.
“Do you think he’ll like the treble clip in gold or silver better?”
“Definitely the gold, you’d think you’d be more of a silver girl, but the gold compliments your complexion,” Kyouko answered. She pretended to be almost entirely uninterested as she watched Sayaka dress up for her first date.
The girl in question spun around to clasp Kyouko’s hands in her own. She blissfully prayed that the sweat on her palms wasn’t noticeable.
“You’re the best!” Sayaka smiled as she leaned in for a hug. Her perfume smelled too good to be wasted on that guy. He never spared her a second glance.
As much as she longed to voice her dismay at the object of Sayaka’s affections, they did have a time limit.
“You’re going to be late on your first date,” she said as she stood. She let her hands wander across Sayaka’s head, smoothing down stray hairs. “Neither of us are one to set a good impression, so at least be on time.”
Sayaka huffed in response, though her tone held no true annoyance.
“You say that like it’s our date, not my date with Kyosuke,” Sayaka said.
“It could be our date.”
Shit. She shouldn’t have said that.
Sayaka’s cheeks grew bright pink as she backed up just a step. That was all Kyouko needed to see to know she’d fucked up.
“I’m not gay, Kyouko.”
Her heart pounded as she backed further away from Sayaka. Tension hung suspended in the air.
“Okay. Well shit, that’s embarrassing. Forget I said that. I’m not a creep, I swear.”
They stared at each other in silence a moment more.
“I’m gonna go now, sorry about that. Good luck tonight,” Kyouko mumbled.
Sayaka still said nothing as Kyouko grabbed her tote and walked out the door. She only briefly considered turning around, but the heat spreading down her neck convinced her to continue her walk of shame.The rest of her night was spent in bed, head pounding from holding back the tears.
Their messages remained empty for the rest of the week. Life carried on around her in a daze, like she was being left behind. Homura still sent her unsolicited fanart. Mami still invited her over to drink tea while Kyouko put her boots up on the couch. Madoka…
Madoka didn’t text her for a while, but when she did, it gave her quite the fright.
Madoka: I think saya needs u :[
Kyouko: what makes u say that?
Madoka: she got turned down and she wont cheer up even when I tried to help her! Her fav restaurant didnt even make her feel better :// yk that cat cafe she likes? That didnt help at ALL
Kyouko: what makes you think im any better suited to help her
Madoka: she trusts you in a different way than she does me
Madoka: I think youre really good for her
Madoka: maybe u guys can practice ur combat skills or something? Fighting gets emotions out right??
The messages weren’t promising, but at least Sayaka hadn’t told Madoka about what she’d said. She fought down a bitter urge to say “I told you so,” as she waited out on Sayaka’s front porch. Of course that guy had let her down.
When the door opened, though, words weren’t exchanged as much as hugs were. If they just fell back into their old routine after that, Kyouko wouldn’t complain.
“Tell me how it all went down,” she said as they settled into the twin bed.
Sayaka took a moment to answer, pulling sharply at the loose thread on her pajama pants.
“It’s so embarrassing!” she whined as she threw herself face first into the pillow.
“Apparently, it wasn’t even a date! He said ‘oh, Sayaka, I’d never like you like that! I thought we were meeting up as friends today!’ Like hell you did! What about all that flirting you did, huh? Ugh, he’s insufferable! I hate men!”
Kyouko rested her hand on Sayaka’s back, unsure of what to say as she drew spirals across her pajama shirt.
“And he wouldn’t shut up about my other friend the whole time, either! Why invite me out on a date just to ramble about my friend!” She pressed her face into her pillow again, this time followed by a muffled scream. Kyouko’s urge to say ‘I told you so’ grew stronger, but they were walking on a glass floor above a deep cliff. She couldn’t risk a fight now.
“What do you want me to do to help?” she asked.
Sayaka shook as she took a few deep breaths, the air hanging with a heavy silence. They met eyes then, with Sayaka reaching forward to grab her closer.
It took great effort for Kyouko not to break into a sweat at the contact. The hug was awkward to say the least, though she found herself settling in after a few moments.
Sayaka spoke first, her hands coming up to card through Kyouko’s hair as she mumbled.
“I just wish I had someone to take care of me,” she said.
“I take care of you, that’s what I’m doing right now,” Kyouko said back. She refused to lift herself away from the embrace, not when she could feel Sayaka’s heartbeat like it was in her own bloodstream. She shivered at the feeling of the other girl’s fingers tracing patterns into her scalp.
“I mean romantically. I give my everything to someone when I really like them, but no one ever seems to return the love.” Kyouko’s blood ran hot and she trembled with longing. She wanted so bad to say how she felt, what she really needed to say, but she couldn’t risk that.
“Hey, Kyouko?”
“Hm?”
“Have you ever been in a relationship before?”
Instinctively, she raised her head. Sayaka’s gaze was overwhelming and full of determination. She’d never met someone who could rival her in such a way, who made her feel meek.
“I, well…No. I haven’t dated anyone before, I guess,” she said.
Sayaka only smiled, petting the top of Kyouko’s head. After another pause long enough to suffocate her, Sayaka continued.
“Why don’t we practice on each other, then?” Kyouko only stared at her and blinked. “You know, get the experience from someone we trust, yeah?”
Her hands danced across Kyouko’s forehead and she willed herself to say no. If only she could walk away from this beautiful girl and never look back, but her eyes sung a siren song of their own.
“I thought you weren’t gay,” she finally managed to say.
“Maybe I changed my mind. Maybe I am gay,” Sayaka blushed.
“Just cause it’s just us doesn’t make it any less real, though,” Kyouko said.
Sayaka scoffed. “Of course it’s real, silly.”
That was all the answer Kyouko needed, and she wouldn’t question it. Her throat constricted against her will as she leaned forward. Their foreheads hit ever so gently as her eyes fell closed. Maybe she was dreaming, and Sayaka would wake her up with a slap to the face.
Weeks of prayers seemed to be answered, however, as she felt soft lips against her own. She let out a squeak in response, Sayaka only laughing and pulling her in closer by the waist.
She brought her hands to feel across Sayaka’s arms. Her own were rough from years spent wrestling other kids. Sayaka’s were smooth, running nicely beneath her palm.
It was over all too soon, the girls parting lips to run their fingers through each other’s hair and along each other’s backs. Kyouko brushed a stray strand of hair off Sayaka’s cheek as she spoke.
“You’re gonna need a touch up on your roots soon, want me to come back tomorrow and help you out with that?”
Sayaka grinned and nodded, her face molded into a picture of pure happiness. Kyouko mirrored her expression as they settled further into the comfort of the bed, ready for a sleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
“I told her, you know, maybe she shouldn’t cheat off some popular girls' paper if she doesn’t wanna risk being caught. Ask someone smart, like Homura. They’d have to pay, though. She knows her worth.”
Kyouko kicked her legs against the rail from her seat on the bus, listening to Sayaka dutifully tell her all the gossip from her school. They were headed to a farmers market, something like a date if she was being optimistic.
They’d spent a few weeks after that kiss going through the motions of starting a new relationship. Kyouko would be overjoyed, really, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that Sayaka had lied. Their relationship was real to her, but was it ever going to be real to Sayaka?
“I know how much you love candy apples, by the way, so I made sure that today was the day the candy apple stall is open,” Sayaka said. She rested her hand on Kyouko’s shoulder, who smiled wide in response.
“You’re the best,” she said, cheeks growing hot under the watchful eyes of her (maybe) girlfriend.
“I know,” Sayaka said as the train approached their stop.
The farmers market wasn’t nearly as packed as it normally was, something about the seasons changing and whatnot. They raced each other to the candy apple stall straight away, Sayaka nearly buying out the whole stand for Kyouko.
Kyouko reveled in the crunch her teeth made against the apple as she listened to Sayaka ramble on again. They made their way around the stalls, admiring the handmade charms and soaps. The air was crisp and the breeze made their hair dance above their heads.
A rare giggle escaped Kyouko as she watched Sayaka attempt to reorient herself after getting a face full of her own hair. The look Sayaka returned to her in response made her heart skip a beat. It almost looked like love. Almost.
“Let’s head back to my place,” Sayaka said, grabbing her hand to drag her along. But, oh, Kyouko would follow her anywhere, anytime. She didn’t really need to be dragged.
They spent their weekends like that, what could only be called a date followed by the peace and quiet of Sayaka’s room. Kyouko would throw her legs over Sayaka’s lap as they pretended they’d study, but never did. Sometimes, they’d go to a romantic café after dark and thread their hands together on the walk home. Most times, they’d end the day kissing and giggling into each others mouths.
It was so perfect. Kyouko almost never accepted perfect; something like perfect was always certain to end. This was different, though. It had to be different, or else she’d have to face the truth that maybe she’d been a fool.
She knew perfect was approaching its curtain call, however, when Sayaka canceled for the first time.
“I’m so sorry, Kyosuke’s just woken up and I want to be by his side right now. I’ll text you later, okay?”
“Okay,” Kyouko said as the call ended. She picked up her bag and dropped a tip at the front counter of the café.
It was only this once. She’d never canceled before. Sure, she’d only called ten minutes after they were supposed to meet up, but she never said Sayaka had all her shit together. She may not have been drawn to her if she did.
They didn’t have a date the week after that, or even the next. Instead, they formed a new routine. Sayaka would call an hour before (to which Kyouko was at least grateful for) and explain that Kyosuke was in need of some food, or a distraction, or he was lonely. It was a tragic accident he’d endured, and he was lucky to have lived. Kyouko truly did feel bad for him, even admiring his courage in his journey of healing. Still, she couldn’t get the image of his hands breaking at her own mercy out of her thoughts. She never really thought herself to be a violent person, but something about him made her angry.
The next time she saw Sayaka was in the garden of a bookstore about a month later. Their friend group had decided to hang out and catch up in nature, or something like that. Madoka had suggested the bookstore, stating that it brought her comfort and hoped it would bring them all the same tranquility. Kyouko thought the sentiment to be sweet, though she suspected part of her comfort came from the fact her first date with Homura was at the same bookstore.
Sayaka arrived last. Late, per the norm.
“Saya!” Madoka yelped, jumping up to capture her in a hug. Kyouko adored how much affection Madoka showed to Sayaka. She deserved every bit of affection anyone had to give her.
Sheepish in her response, Sayaka explained away her lateness with some excuse about having to “check on something” on her way there. Kyouko could only lower her eyes and try not to shake. Of course it was Kyosuke.
She made her way around the table and sat down next to Kyouko, giving her a brief smile before turning to the rest of the group.
That was all she got? After not seeing each other for a month? Maybe she had made the past few months up, or it was all an elaborate dream she’d had. How could anyone invest so much time into a relationship just to act like it didn’t happen a moment later. Maybe she wanted to keep it secret? But wouldn’t both Madoka and Homura already know? It wasn’t like Mami would care, either. She’d already expressed to the group how she’d been looking into labels like aromantic and asexual to describe herself. Weren’t they all queer here? Why would it matter?
Mami interrupted her spiral of thoughts before they sent Kyouko into a frenzy.
“So, how’ve you been outside of school, Sayaka?” Mami asked.
Sayaka’s eyes lit up at that. Her hands rose in what Kyouko could only anticipate was preparation to wave them around animatedly as she spoke.
“I’ve been helping Kyosuke adjust since getting out of the hospital recently! I think I’ve told you all what happened to him, right? He got into a crash, not his fault by the way. I’ll spare you the details. Anyway, we’ve known each other since we were really little. I always thought we could strengthen our relationship, and I hate to say it’s cause of this, but I really do think it’s made us closer! He’s heartbroken that he can’t play anymore, but I think I’ve been helping distract him enough from that.”
Each word sank a stomach into Kyouko’s stomach. Not even a mention of her? They’d done so much together lately. It was always about him, wasn’t it?
“Isn’t that the name of the guy you went on a date with one time?” Homura said. Madoka glanced at her girlfriend subtly, but not subtle enough for Kyouko not to see. She assumed the look meant “I love you for all of you, but that was an awful question to ask.”
“Yeah, we went out once a while ago,” Sayaka started. “He was interested in my other friend at the time. They actually went out a bit after that, too! He told me about it, but he also said he was way over her. They just didn’t click, ya know?”
“I see,” Homura replied
“I honestly think he may be into me now! He keeps saying all these sappy things,” Sayaka said as she blushed.
The table fell silent. Kyouko’s world felt as if it was crashing down in that split second. The rapture was closing in, but only on her.
“I thought you two were exclusive,” Homura said, breaking the awkward silence with her blessedly blunt confrontation.
“What?” Sayaka’s face dropped into confusion. Kyouko could feel her own heart breaking a million times over, fracturing more and more every second she watched the conversation unfold. How foolish had she been?
“You and Kyouko,” Homura said, though now with hesitation. “I was under the impression that you were dating.”
Oh, how she wished to disappear. This was all just a mess of her own making. Sayaka furrowed her brows and spoke barely above a whisper.
“We aren’t.”
A better person would have just gotten up and left. Kyouko wasn’t a better person, however. Her bones were crafted from warriors who died in anger, seeking vengeance. She would always have the last word of a conflict. Maybe if Sayaka knew her better, knew her at all, she would’ve known this would happen.
“I was under the same impression,” she seethed. Sayaka’s attention turned to her, mouth opened and ready to refute. Kyouko didn’t let her.
“I didn’t know I was such a joke to you, Miki. I would have appreciated if you’d told me we weren’t dating after at least the tenth kiss, maybe sooner. At least you know your boytoy won’t leave you. He needs you to be the one to change his sheets.”
“That’s a bit too far,” Madoka said.
“Oh, they both deserve it,” Kyouko bit back. She turned to Sayaka as she stood up to leave. “Have fun with him.”
She stomped the whole way down to the train station. She felt so immature, throwing a fit when she didn’t own Sayaka. She could do whatever she wanted, she was her own person. But, god, it fucking hurt. To know she’d run willingly into Sayaka’s arms, when it was all just a game on the other end. So much for fucking perfect.
Unable to decide whether or not she wanted Sayaka to come running after her, she rotated between glancing behind her and speed walking as fast as she could in hopes Sayaka wouldn’t be able to catch up. In the end, she made it home all by herself.
Curling up in her bed, she saw a multitude of messages, left by everyone but the person she truly wanted to talk to.
Madoka: Kyouko!! :(( I hope you’re okay! (I assume ur not, but I’m here to talk, ok?)
Madoka: You’re not unloveable nd you deserve every good thing ever. This doesn’t determine ur worth. You’re not stupid either, I know you’re thinking it
Madoka: please reach out when you’re ready <3
Mami: Let us know you got home safe love. We all care for you
Homura: I’m truly sorry, Kyouko. I didn’t mean for that conversation to turn out that way. I hope you can forgive me.
Homura: I’m going to bring you some food tomorrow. If you don’t answer I’ll leave it on your front step.
Kyouko awoke the next morning to the food Homura had promised and ate it dutifully before heading to school.
Her dad stopped her on her way out the door, pulling her into a much needed hug.
“You look tired nowadays,” he sighed. “Let me know what I can do to take care of you.”
“You always do enough for us,” she said back.
Life felt colorless and dull, and school made her nauseous. Somehow still, she made it the entire day, finding herself once more on the train home.
“Kyouko…” a familiar voice said. She jumped as she met eyes with Sayaka standing in front of her.
“What do you want?” she snapped. She was surprised to find she couldn’t revel in Sayaka’s flinch. Even after all that had happened, she didn’t want to scare the other girl.
“Can we please talk at my place?” Sayaka asked, her eyes pleading. Kyouko only sighed in response, but they both knew that was a yes.
The room felt horribly nauseating. Nothing about it had changed, but Kyouko could only imagine all the times she’d sat on Sayaka’s bed and fell deeper in love.
Sayaka sat on that very bed, and motioned for Kyouko to follow suite. She opted for the chair by the desk, refusing to get near that bed.
“I’m sorry about everything,” Sayaka started, eyes turned down toward the carpet. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.”
“Then what did you mean?” Kyouko asked.
“I-I don’t think I knew. I just wanted to figure it out,” she said back. Kyouko felt her temper rising again. This could not be real.
“Were you using me as an experiment? For your own sexuality?” Kyouko said, voice growing louder.
“No, not really! I just thought we knew each other so well and I’d never be able to do stuff like this with Madoka since she’s a sister to me. You’re different, though. You’re not like a sister to me at all! And I said at the beginning, didn’t I? We should get experience with each other, it wasn’t meant to be long term.”
At that, Kyouko lept off the chair. She barely made it out the bedroom door before Sayaka started speaking again.
“No, please don’t go! I can’t lose you! I just wanted to figure myself out!”
“Well figure yourself out with a straight girl, cause I’m done.”