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——-
“Do you think the League is dealing with Kurogiri’s capture well?” Shouto asked, tapping his chin. It’d been bothering him as of late. Kurogiri had always seemed to be the de facto father figure of the League. Personally, Shouto would have expected that he’d have heard of some kind of celebration going on, with his arrest. Or something like that. Shouto wasn’t exactly well versed in the typical customs or ceremonies associated with one’s father leaving.
Maybe he should ask Midoriya. He seemed like he might know about that.
“Are you kidding me?” Jirou said, giving him a look of confusion and disappointment. Shouto knew THAT one quite well. He’d forgotten which reaction he was supposed to make, so he gave a strained grin. Jirou furrowed her brow. “Have you looked at the news recently?”
“No,” Shouto said. He didn’t read the news, as it was all government propaganda and lies.
Jirou pulled put her phone, tapped at the screen, before turning the screen to face her half-n-half friend. It was set to a news report from yesterday.
“Pro Hero Hawks and League Of Villains Vanguard Dabi were recently spotted leaving a courthouse together, in a stunt that has confused and terrified the public.”
It switched to a shaky video of Hawks, in a tuxedo, carrying Dabi down the steps as the villain laid back in a wedding dress, smoking a cigarette and yelling. Toga stood next to them, dressed as Sailor Moon, throwing rocks at them, while Spinner held a boom box blasting what distinctly sounded like the guitar lick from “Buddy Holly”.
“How ya like me now, Dad?” Dabi shouted, flipping off the camera with a terrifying grin. “I’m going to fuck your sidekick!”
Toga cheered, pumping her fists in their air, while Spinner wolf-whistled in encouragement.
Shouto stared. “Who is Hawks the sidekick of?”
Jirou squinted at him, wondering not for the first time, if his quirk had somehow affected how his mind functioned. She’d long suspected Endeavour’s head was empty, save for a small angry troll doll that shouted and ran around setting things on fire. Maybe Shouto was similar, having only half a brain.
“You literally work with Endeavour. Have you… not noticed that Hawks is his work partner?” she asked.
Shouto shrugged. Usually when his father talked, he stopped listening and thought about those videos of cats being scared of cucumber Midoriya sent him.
Jirou audibly gritted her teeth. “I don’t even know why I bother talking to you.”
Shouto nodded. He also wondered why she decided to sit next to him. He had assumed it was simply one of those mysterious things neurotypical people did, like eye contact or bowing over the phone.
Thinking over all the facts he knew (He’d already known for a while Dabi and Hawks were together, as Kyojuro Rengoku was obviously their secret child. He was also sure that Hawks and Tokoyami were brothers, as Mothman was clearly their father), he decided to try and contribute to the conversation.
This may have not been the best idea. His brain physically resisted the concept of acknowledging the fact that Endeavour had children, and so had already repressed the memory of Jirou’s words, meaning his attempt was pretty much pointless.
“So Dabi is Best Jeanists… son?”
Jirou silently got up and left.
———
“I want a pet,” announced Shigaraki, from where they were sitting on the throne Toga and Twice had helped make. Though, “sitting” was probably a stretch. At most, it could be said that Shigaraki’s body was somewhat occupying the seat. Other than that, only the god’s knew what they were trying to do.
“What?” Spinner asked, as Dabi informed him- “We already have Toga.”
“I’m not a pet!” Toga yelped, glaring from the hallway. Dabi rolled his eyes, grabbing a knife from the kitchen block and throwing it down the hall. “Look, a knife. Go get it.”
Toga gasped, turning and running away after the shiny weapon. Dabi smirked, going back to cutting up apples for lunch.
“I want a flamingo- no, a polar bear. No,” Shigaraki pouted, squinting. “I want a panda.”
“We can’t get a panda,” Compress said, looking mortified. “It’d be a total mess! Where would we even keep it?”
“Who are you? My Dad? No? Then shut your face. No one tells me what to do,” Shigaraki scowled, glittery crown slipping down their head and falling over one eye. “We’re getting a panda.”
“We’re not getting a panda,” Spinner repeated, groaning.
“Dabi could be a panda,” Hawks suggested, from where he was lounging on top of the fridge. “Black and white fur. Weird dark spots around his eyes. Angry and violent. I think he’s perfect panda material.”
Shigaraki squinted. “He’s ugly, though.”
Dabi glared back, bloodlust in his eyes. The others ignored him, just glad he didn’t seem to have a twenty minute monologue prepared this time.
“He’s not ugly!” Twice objected, grimacing. “He’s just really unattractive!”
“Look,” Shigaraki growled. “Without ‘giri, I don’t have any way to make a super cool entrance, and the game boss always has to have a cool cutscene on their entrance or it just ruins all the tension. So either you get me a panda to ride, or Spinner has to teach me how to drive.”
——
“C’mon! Hurry up!” Shigaraki shrieked, arms wrapped around the neck of the panda they had somehow managed to get on the back of. The zoo was on fire, employees screaming as animals ran free. Hawks was still sprinting through the bird enclosure, shouting about freedom as he shattered the glass panels separating the lethargic avians from a quick death in the wild.
“How do I feed him?” Toga eagerly asked the zookeeper she had pinned beneath her, knife digging into his throat as she gestured to the red panda under her arm.
“I don’t know!” the keeper whimpered, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I help with the baby penguins!”
Toga’s eyes lit up. “Oh my god! That sounds so so cute! I wanna baby penguin! I wanna see it bleed! Can you pretty please give me a penguin?” She let the squirming panda escape, the creature landing in a disoriented heap on the floor and proceeding to make a run for it.
The zookeeper felt vaguely jealous, as a maniacal grin of sharp teeth flitted way too close to his face.
He loved the penguins he helped raise. It’s why he’d stayed with the zoo for so many years, despite the below-average pay and constant mockery from his coworkers for his quirk.
The thought of any of the latest group having a feather of their flank ruffled made him sick to his stomach. But he supposed if he agreed, she might let him go, and then he could protect the rest of his flock.
Whimpering, he nodded. “Okay.”
Toga cheered, accidentally leaving a small knick on his collarbone with her knife. “Ooh!” she said after another moment. “And I want a baby seal!”
——
It soon became clear that Epanda and the other animals would not fit in the base. Not for the lack of trying. It simply seemed that for some reason or another, giant pandas and apartment life weren’t a match meant to be.
This was a surprise to absolutely no one but Shigaraki.
“We can’t have several wild animals living in an apartment complex,” Compress tried to explain, as gently as his patience would allow.
“Yeah,” Dabi grumbled. “It’s not good to keep Toga and Shiggy chained up like this. They need to go back to the zoo where they belong.”
“Not helping,” Spinner snapped, reaching out to smack his coworker on the arm. Dabi easily dodged, smirking. “I wasn’t trying to.”
Shigaraki crossed their arms. “Yes we can,” they argued, sounding very much like a petulant child.
“I know you’d LIKE that to be true, but unfortunately, it’s just not ethical to keep animals like this in such a small space,” Compress said slowly.
“Then get a bigger space!” Shigaraki shouted back.
“We can’t just get a bigger space!” Spinner yelled back, throwing up his arms.
“Compress should keep them in his marbles!” Twice suggested excitedly. “It’s a terrible idea! Let’s do it!”
Compress didn’t even bother responding to that.
“Doesn’t Gentle Criminal have like, a really big house?” Hawks said.
A silence settled over the room.
“… that is correct,” Compress agreed hesitantly. “But I’m not sure if…”
“The last thing we need is to give Princess Handjob here a mansion. The power is already going way to their head,” Dabi grumbled.
“… princess?” Shigaraki asked, confused.
“You’ve got an animal sidekick, magic powers, dead parents and a literal crown,” Dabi said, ticking it off on his hands. “You’re a Disney princess.”
Hawks’ mouth dropped open, staring at Shigaraki with dawning realisation. Everything made sense now. “Oh my god, you’re right,” he stared at his husband in awe. Dabi rolled his eyes.
Shigaraki hissed in indignation. “I’m not a fucking princess!” They paused, before letting a smirk slip onto their face. “But I could definitely do for a bigger base.”
——-
In the end, the League members were swayed over with the promise of no longer having to share a bedroom wall. They all had their own reasons for this, with Spinner being the most easily swayed. He had been staying in the room directly next to Dabi and Hawks’ space.
“Young man!” cried Gentle, as he was thrown back into the wall. It’d taken a while to bribe Skeptic into helping disable the security measures La Brava had set up, but once it’d been done, the plan was easily set in motion.
“Nope,” Shigaraki denied, shaking their head. They stood in the grand music parlour of the house, a pile of dust behind them marking the former location of the grand piano.
Gentle yelped, shaken to his soul. How could he do something as ungentlemanly as assuming someone’s pronouns? “My apologies, young lady!” he corrected, still trying to punch Shigaraki in the nose.
“Not that either,” Shigaraki objected.
“What are you?” Gentle shrieked, almost in tears with shame.
“I’m the last thing you’ll ever see!” Shigaraki shouted back, decking the other villain in the face.
“Gentle!” La Brava cried, turning away from where she and Spinner had been facing off. “Oh, my Gentle Criminal! How could you?” she shrieked, glaring daggers at Shigaraki.
“He’s like, 80,” Shigaraki explained, being just bitchy enough to constantly spout sarcasm, but just autistic enough to have no idea when others used it.
La Brava shrieked. “You take that back!”
It ended up taking four League members to pry the small feral woman off of their leader, and another ten minutes to restrain her.
Toga squealed as they dragged the unconscious duo to the basement, tied up and wearing quirk suppressants. Shigaraki had wanted to kill them, but Spinner pointed out that La Brava’s hacking skills could be useful, skills she would never lend them if they killed Gentle.
“It was so cute when she bit Hawks! I bet we’re gonna be best friends forever,” Toga cheered, glancing over dreamily at La Brava. The former pro hero was bleeding from several bite marks on his arms and face, which Dabi and Twice were helping take care of.
“How the hell are we going to get them to comply?” Spinner growled.
“Torture, obviously. Are you stupid?” Twice asked, then shook his head. “No way! We’ll woo them with the power of the Magic of Friendship!”
“I can stab them!” Toga said, hopping up and down excitedly.
“All of you are fucking stupid,” Dabi grumbled, looking up. “It’s obvious. We just need to play to their whole little game.” Holding up a hand, he tilted his head. “Gentle’s whole thing is being chivalrous. What is the most chivalrous job?”
The League stared blankly at him.
Then Toga gasped.
“Of course! A big strong knight!” then her eyes widened dramatically, hands clasping over her heart. “We need a princess!”
——
“… so you see?” Compress said, gesturing to where Shigaraki stood, Epanda at their side. “Tomura here has been denied their rightful place as the heir to All For One’s throne. We need to help them take it back, and defend our princess.”
Tears shone in Gentle’s eyes, and he shook his head. “I can’t believe I ever thought your group simply to be uncultured heathens! I see now that your cause is as noble as can be! I only hope you can forgive me, and let me join you in your quest.”
“Fuck yeah,” Shigaraki said, grinning widely. “Welcome to the party, comrade.”
The League cheered, Toga running over to untie La Brava. “Now I can show you my baby penguins!” she said, squealing. La Brava covered her mouth in delight. “I’d love that!”
Compress and Spinner exchanged a look, sighing in relief. “I can’t believe that worked.”
Dabi just scoffed. “Told ya so.”
—-
“You’re… releasing me?”
The misty man’s words came out disbelieving, as he stared from his chair. The Commission representative nodded solemnly. “Due to… recent occurrences, we believe it to be the best course of action.”
Kurogiri let out a long sigh. “What did Shigaraki Tomura do?”
The Commission rep’s shoulders slumped, the life seeming to drain from his eyes. “They’re claiming to be a member of the royal family,” he said quietly.
“And?” Kurogiri said tiredly.
“They have a panda.”
“… and?”
“… they started wearing heelies.”
Kurogiri nodded solemnly.
“I wondered how long it would take.”
——