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“Potter, get out, I need to talk to Regulus.”
The volume of Barty’s voice alongside the slamming open of the dormitory door had James bolting up from his boyfriend’s lap. He would have been halfway across the room if Regulus hadn’t put his hand out to grab his arm.
“I am very comfortable right now,” Regulus challenged, “James isn’t going anywhere unless you tell me why he needs to leave.”
“I already said, I need to talk to you. Alone.”
“We are seven pages from the end of the chapter,” Regulus waved the book in his hand in the air, “I am going to need a better reason than that.”
“Because I am your friend, and bros before hoes.”
James’s face scrunched up. “Did you just call me-?”
“Seven. Pages. Bartimus.”
Barty let out an exasperated noise, cursing up at the ceiling.
“Fine. I’ll owe you one. ”
Regulus’s face lit up. “Deal,” he said, immediately letting go of James’s arm. “Wait for me in the common room, I’ll come get you in a few minutes.”
James, still confused, accepted Regulus’s kiss goodbye and walked out of the Slytherin dormitory, softly closing the door behind him.
“Barty Crouch Jr. is willing to owe me a favor,” Regulus crossed his arms, moving to sit on the edge of his mattress. “This must be serious.”
“It is,” Barty replied, throwing himself on his own bed. “I honestly am so freaked out, Reg.”
“About…?”
“I think I might be homophobic.”
The quirk of an eyebrow was all that Regulus betrayed of his surprise.
“That is a problem, considering your present company.”
“ I know , that’s why I am freaked out. All my friends are gay! You, Dorcas, Evan. What am I supposed to do?!?”
Regulus blinked.
“And what makes you think that you are homophobic?”
“I was just walking towards the great hall, when I saw Evan and fucking Davies making out. And I felt this pure hatred run through me-don’t look at me like that-I’m serious!”
“I am taking this very seriously,” Regulus replied, his voice neutral. “You felt hatred towards Davies…and you think that makes you homophobic?”
“Not just Davies! I feel like retching everytime Evan gets all touchy-feely around any guy. Reg, you know I hate a lot of things, but this is like my father level of hatred.”
“So you hate seeing Evan doing gay…things?”
“Yeah,” Barty sighed, “It makes me feels so uncomfortable.”
“What about when you see me and James doing gay things?”
Barty waved him off. “You hate PDA, I rarely see you do gay things.”
“You just saw me kiss him goodbye.”
“That was like a kiss you would give your mother. I mean like really gay things.”
“What if I told you about the really gay things that James and I do. Will that bother you?”
“You won’t though,” Barty argued, “cause I know you, and you like to keep your private life private. And yeah that would make me uncomfortable, we don’t share that kind of shit with each other. Like I love you man, but I don’t want to know your sex life.”
“Likewise,” Regulus replied. “What about when you see my brother and his boyfriend? Does that bother you?”
Barty squinted in thought. “I don’t think I even know who your brother is dating.”
“Lupin?”
“Who?”
“Nevermind. What about Dorcas? She is very public with her relationships. Does she make you uncomfortable?”
“No, because she’s doing lesbian things. Guys are supposed to enjoy lesbians.”
Regulus put his fingers to his temples, muttering fucking bloody hell under his breath.
“Let me get this straight. You think you are homophobic because you feel uncomfortable when you see Evan doing ‘gay things’ with guys. But you are not uncomfortable with me being gay because I don’t actively participate in such things in public, and you are not uncomfortable with Dorcas because she is into girls.”
“YeS! What am I going to do Reg?!? Evan will be distraught if he finds out I’m homophobic.”
Regulus got up and put his hand on Barty’s arm.
“Barty. I love you, but you are such an idiot.”
Barty frowned. “What the fuck you insulting me for?”
“I’m afraid it’s a fact. Thank you for wasting my time,” Regulus said, moving to the door, “I am going to find my boyfriend and do some very gay things with him. Please feel free to avert your eyes so you don’t become more homophobic.”
Barty threw his pillow at him, hitting the closing door instead of his roommate.
“SOME FUCKING BEST FRIEND YOU ARE!” he shouted, but Regulus had already disappeared. Barty got up frustrated, heading off to find Dorcas instead.
…..
“Dorcas I am having a crisis and need help.”
His friend did not give him the reaction he would have liked. She looked incredibly irritated to have to get up from the library table where she was sitting side by side with Marlene McKinnon to follow Barty to a more secluded spot.
“I don’t understand, why are you not asking someone who tolerates you more like Evan or Pandora or Reg?”
“I tried talking to Reg, he called me an idiot,” Barty spat. “And…no Rosiers.”
“Fine,” Dorcas said, hopping up onto a nearby table. “What is happening in your life that no one but me can help you?”
Barty wrung his hands. Maybe this was a bad idea. Dorcas might kill him for even saying it out loud.
“I…I think I might be homophobic?”
Dorcas stared at him for a very long moment.
“What the fuck are you on about Barty?”
Barty sat down on the ground, burying his head in his hands. “I know, I know, how could I be this way? I promise though I don’t hate you, I still love you and Reggie very much. But I have these really bad thoughts-”
“B, just because you want to slit James Potter’s throat does not mean you are homophobic. Everybody has that thought at least once a day since the lad cannot shut the fu-”
“-it’s not aimed at James! Well I do have violent thoughts about him but it’s mostly because he’s so goddamn irritating-”
“-honestly do not know how Reg puts up with that f-”
“-but it’s aimed towards Evan!”
Dorcas started choking.
“Doraaaa!”
“I’m sorry. You hate Evan?!? Barty that is so fucked up, Evan considers you his best friend-”
“I don’t hate Evan! I hate that he’s gay!”
“That makes no sense!”
“Tell me about it! I don’t get it either, like I am fine with you and with Reg but every single time I see Evan with a guy I want to gauge my fucking eyes out!”
Dorcas suddenly became quiet. Barty raised his eyes from the ground to see her staring at him with big eyes. Then she burst out laughing.
“Dor, how is this funny?”
Dorcas couldn’t respond, clutching her side as she tried to catch her breath. Barty got up, even angrier than before.
“Wait! Barty, wait!” Dorcas jumped off the table. “Don’t leave.”
“I’m not going to stay so I can be laughed at.”
“I’ll stop. I’ll stop,” Dorcas replied, her voice becoming serious. “But Barty…I am afraid…that Regulus is right.”
“Regulus is…?”
“You are an idiot.”
Barty turned to leave again as Dorcas began to laugh again.
“B, I believe that you can figure this out. I know you have a brain in there somewhere!”
As Barty stormed away from his cackling friend, he ran into the second to worst person he could have ran into. And she noticed immediately that something was wrong.
“Barty, are you okay?” Pandora Rosier asked, standing up from her table of friends.
“Perfect,” Barty gritted out, trying to avoid her. But Pandora Rosier was not one to ignore someone in distress, so she started to follow him out the library doors.
“You don’t seem okay. Can I help?”
Barty spun to see the younger Rosier twin looking at him, full of concern. It was a little disconcerting to see the same eyes as Evan looking at him so earnestly. His anger simmered, as it always did when looking in those blue eyes the Rosiers were blessed with.
“I wish you could Panda, but I can’t-this is something I can’t talk to you about.”
The girl frowned, tilting her head slightly like a hurt puppy.
“It isn’t?”
“No,” he shook his head, “I’ll see you later.”
He continued his storming away, albeit slower now. Eventually he reached their empty dormitory, and Barty closed the door dejected. He buried his head into his pillow, trying to push away the thoughts of jumping off the astronomy tower in favor of seeing Evan again.
A knock at the door startled him.
“Barty? It’s Mary. Can I come in?”
Barty had just the time to think “who the fuck is Mary” before the door softly opened. A head of dark curls peeked in, one that Barty recognized as one of Pandora’s Gryffindor friends.
“Hi,” she said, “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me…but Pandora said you seemed really upset but couldn’t talk to her about it. So I thought maybe I could help?”
Barty considered the girl in front of him. He didn’t know a thing about her except the fact that she always seemed to be on the fringes. Her eyes reminded him of warm chocolate, though, and something in them made him feel safe.
“Yeah. I suppose I could tell you. I’ve tried to talk to my friends Regulus and Dorcas about it, but they aren’t taking me seriously. And I can’t talk to Evan because he’s involved, sorta. And Pandora-”
“-would tell Evan,” Mary supplied. “I get it. I promise I won’t tell either of them.”
“Thanks,” Barty let out a sigh. “My problem is…I’m afraid I am homophobic. And I don’t want to be.”
Marty came to sit next to him on the bed. “Well you don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be. Why do you think that?”
“You know that Evan, came out as gay a few months back?” Mary nodded. “It didn’t bother me at the time, because he’s my best friend. There is very little that could change that. But then he started exploring it more, and trying out things and talking to me about it. And I just want him to shut up! And when I see him dancing with other guys or snogging them, I get these awful thoughts. Like how I want to kill them- not Evan, the other guys.”
Mary did not laugh. She did not stare. She did not call him an idiot. She cocked her head, and asked in the most sincere voice: “Is it just the guys Evan is around that you are feeling hatred towards?”
“I mean…sometimes I hate James…”
Mary smiled. “Is that because James is pan or…?”
“Probably because he’s a prat.”
“Okay. So it is only the guys that Evan is with that you hate because of them being gay .”
“Yeah…I guess.”
“Could it be possible that you are not hating them because they are gay,” Mary asked carefully, “but because they are with Evan specifically?”
Now it was time for Barty to blink in surprise.
“What.”
“Well you’ve established that you don’t feel uncomfortable with the fact that your friends are gay. So could the hatred you feel towards these “other” gay boys be because they are with Evan?”
“Why would I feel hatred just because they are with Evan?”
Mary put her hand on his knee.
“Do you think maybe you have feelings for Evan? And what you are feeling is not homophobia…but jealousy?”
Barty’s brain did a hard shut down.
“I don’t-I’m not gay-”
“I’m not asking if you are gay,” Mary said quickly, “Don’t think about any kinds of labels. I want you to just think about Evan. It sounds like you are very close.”
“We are. He knows me better than anyone in the world.”
“Tell me, how does it make you feel when Evan is around?”
“I don’t know- I don’t know,” Barty sputtered.
“Can you do something for me?” Mary asked softly, “Can you close your eyes for a minute? And I want you to imagine an everyday moment with Evan. How about one right here in this room.”
Barty complied, imagining Evan lying on his bed reading their textbook aloud since the words always swirled when Barty tried to read them. He told Mary as such.
“What are you doing in the moment?”
“I have my eyes closed and I’m listening to his voice. I like his reading voice.”
“Do you feel relaxed?”
“Yeah.”
“If you look over at him in this moment, what do you feel?”
Barty could imagine it. Opening his eyes, and meeting Evan’s. His eyes twinkled a little bit as he questioned if Barty was even listening.
“I feel warm. I feel safe.”
“Those are good things. Barty, do you think you would feel hatred towards Evan if he kissed you in that moment?”
Barty’s eyes shot open. “I could never hate Evan.”
“What would you do if he kissed you?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Mary smiled. “Something to mull over I think.”
Barty pressed his fists to his face. “This is too confusing.”
Mary scooted closer, taking Barty’s face in her hands. “You don’t have to figure anything out right now. I just want you to realize that you are not homophobic, Barty. There is not a bone of hatred in you…well at least towards people’s sexuality. Do you understand that?”
Barty nodded.
“Say it. Say “I am not a bad person.”
“You don’t know me, Mary.”
“Say it.”
“I am not a bad person.”
“Say I am a good friend to Evan.”
“I am a good friend to Evan.”
“Good,” Mary patted his cheek. “Do you feel any better?”
“I feel less panicked. Just confused now.”
“Do you want some time to think alone?”
“Yeah. I think I need to set something on fire to clear my head.”
Mary got up, grasping his hand in hers. “If you need anything, please come find me.”
“Will do. Thank you.”
As Mary departed, Barty wandered into the washroom, grabbing a lighter and flicking the flame on and off as he leaned against the sink. He had never thought he was gay, but when Mary asked what he would do if Evan kissed him…well that gave him some thought. He loved Evan. He loved watching him as he did homework and he got the wrinkles on his forehead from concentrating. He loved the sound of Evan’s voice in the morning before he had a chance to take a drink of water. He loved when Evan would pull Barty’s head onto his lap and run his fingers through his curls. Those were normal things to love about your friend…right?
If Evan kissed him, he wasn’t 100% sure he wouldn’t kiss him back.
Barty had always been a practical man. He hated thinking too much about his emotions, and this was torture. Then the brilliant idea came to him.
He left the room in a rush, unsure where to even find Evan. He ended up heading to the window on the fourth floor where Evan liked to read. Sure enough, his friend was absorbed in his book as Barty approached.
“Evan.”
Those damn Rosier eyes looked up at him.
“Hey Barty, what’s up?”
“Are you with Davies?”
Evan’s cheeks tinged pink, even though the boy rarely blushed. “Oh…you saw that. No, we are not together. Just a bit of fun.”
Barty nodded, satisfied with that answer. He had figured as much. Evan wouldn’t stoop so low as to date a fucking Hufflepuff.
“I might be homophobic,” Barty stated.
“Wha-?”
“But I also might not be.”
Evan looked more confused than ever.
“What does that even mean-?”
“Can I kiss you?” Barty cut him off. “So I know if I am or not?”
Evan’s mouth dropped open, but a look of amusement flickered across his features.
“I suppose if that will help you determine if you are a prick or not.”
“It will,” Barty said, grabbing Evan by the shoulder and pulling him towards him. He paused a moment as their lips touched, a little unsure with how to proceed in such unusual circumstances. He definitely did not think he would be kissing his best friend when he woke up this morning. But the tiny taste of Evan was enough for Barty to continue, and when Evan began kissing him back he felt electricity travel up his spine.
Evan’s hands went to the back of Barty’s head, pulling him back onto the window seat with him. Barty clambered up over him, hovering as his own hand settled on Evan’s back, fingers roaming as he felt Evan tug on his curls. By the time Evan pulled away for a breath, Barty had forgotten breathing was something that they needed to do.
“So are you?” Evan asked, a smirk playing on his lips. Seeing him disheveled, a bead of sweat dripping down his face, Barty knew for sure his answer.
“Only against the guys who are interested in you.”