Work Text:
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“Hello there- you’ve reached the office of Principality Emeritus and Newly Appointed Supreme Archangel-in-Training Aziraphale. Regretfully, I am unable to answer your call at this time. Please leave a message with your name, department, rank, and extension, and rest assured I will get back to you as soon as possible. If you would like to use our new anonymous workplace suggestion answerphone system, please dial extension 733, or feel free to leave a suggestion in person in my office mailbox. Thank you, and have a blessed day.”
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-You Have: THIRTEEN New Messages and TWO Old Messages. -
-Message One: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:42, British Summer Time Zone. -
“NO- no, no, no-Mr. Crowley, this is an AWFUL idea-“
“Never said it wasn’t.”
“Ah, let him have a go, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Can we start talking now?”
“Muriel, love, this is Crowley’s chance to leave an ill-advised drunk message on Aziraphale’s answerphone. You’ll have your turn in a minute.”
“Oh! Jolly good, I’ll have another Jenny Tonic while I wait.”
“GIN AND tonic, not Jenny ton- ooh, make us another one, too, while you’re at it.”
“It’s still rolling.”
“And it’s not too late to change your mind and hang up!”
“Maggie, do-“
-END of Message.-
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-Message Two: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:44, British Summer Time Zone.-
“-did was- well, I’ll call it like I see it- pretty fucking awful-“
“Crowley. It just now started recording.”
“Oh, bloody-“
-END of Message.-
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-Message Three: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:46, British Summer Time Zone.-
“-ah blah blah blah, do we really have to hear the whole spiel every time we call?”
“okay, nownownow!”
“Yes, well. Principality Emeritus aaAAnnAAAnd Newly Appointed Supreme Archangel-IN-TRAINING? How long you think they’ll keep him under THAT microscope? Bet that’s not even industry standard up there, they probably made up a training period for the poor bastard.”
“Oh, no, it’s standard! I was a Scrivener-In-Training for almost three millennia!”
“Oh my.”
“WELL, just three millennia? That’s plenty of time for a second shot at Armageddon, don’t you think, Azir- I’m hanging up and starting over, this is-“
-END of Message.-
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Message Four: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:48, British Summer Time Zone.
“-mean it’s kept all the botched ones? I don’t want him to hear all that.”
“You DO have an Ansaphone. You ought to know how this works.”
“yeahbut, uhhh, isn’t there usually some option that’s, like, Press 1 To Re-Record or something?”
“I think you generally have to not just hang up in order to accomplish that?”
“hhhhgghhhh, off my head on Jenny Tonics, can’t be held accountable for my-“
-END of Message.-
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-Message Five: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:50, British Summer Time Zone.-
“DELETE PAST MESSAGES.”
…
“ANSWERPHONE- DELETE PAST MESSAGES.”
…
“ANSWERPHONE.”
…….
“REPRESENTATIVE.”
“What’s REPRESENTATIVE mean?”
“REP. RE. SEN. TA. TIVE.”
“It’s someone who can help you when you call a hotline.”
“Ooh, yes, Supreme Archangel Aziraphale is a VERY helpful-“
“REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE???”
“Well, NOW you just sound a bit desperate.”
“You know, you are so completely unhelpful it’s not even fu-“
-END of Message.-
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-Message Six: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:56, British Summer Time Zone.-
“ahem…Supreme Archangel Aziraphale. Is your refrigerator running?”
…
“…okay now hang u-“
-END of message.-
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Message Seven: Friday, the 13th of October, 2023, 23:58, British Summer Time Zone.
“Surprise! You just got pranked by Crank Calls Anonymous, LLC- The Debatably More Annoying Version Of Musical Telegrams. Er…Congratulations on your recent appointment as Supreme Archangel, and rest assured that any messages received prior to this one on Act Over-“
“October!”
“OCT-over 13th were strictly prank-related and FICTIONAL. Any resemblance to real persons, places, or events is purely coincidental. Congratulations again, and have a blessed day.”
“now that was bril-“
-END of message.-
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-Message Eight: Saturday, the 14th of October, 00:10, British Summer Time Zone.-
“okokok let me count us in. One, two, three, four, go!”
“We’re no strangers to looooooooove…”
“REPRESENTATIVE!”
“Mr. Fell-“
“you know the rules, and SO DO IIIIIIIII…”
“REPresentative.”
“Mr. Fell, hi, this is Maggie, from Whickber Street-“
“RepREsentative?“
“A full commitment’s what I’M thinkin’ of…”
“I really think you’d be better off not listening to any- er…”
“You wouldn’t get this from any other guy!”
“Everyone’s had a few drinks, you know how that can go after a breakup sometimes-“
“IIIIIIII just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand!”
“tell you how I’m…how I’m feeling…”
“RepreSENtative!!!”
“Just- why don’t you go ahead and delete all of these messages? You’re not missing anything important, really-“
“Never gonna GIVE YOU UP, never gonna LET YOU- Crowley, you alright?”
“represenTAtive…”
“told him how /I/ was feeling. only took me a few millennia, what’s a few millennia between hereditary enemies, right?-“
“He’s a total arse, Crowley..”
“he’s making a mistake…”
“Oh, Mr. Crowley…I’m sure Mr. Fell-“
“nonono, not HIM, I mean RICK.”
“Rick???”
“RICK, the, you know, nghh, singing one.”
“Who’s Ri- do you mean Rick Astley? Rick Astley’s making a mistake?”
“WE HAVE TO CALL HIM.”
“Oh, well, maybe that’ll preoccupy them a bit. Stay tuned? Or, actually, please don’t, delete all of this.”
“representaaaaaaaTIVE!”
-END of Message.-
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-Message Nine: Saturday, the 14th of October, 00:15, British Summer Time Zone.-
“Hello Azira- I mean, sorry, Supreme Archangel Aziraphale- hi! It’s me! Muriel! Crowley’s calling his friend Rick Astley right now, so Nina said I could use her Sell Phone to call you. I’m not really sure why it’s called that, not selling you anything, am I……Ooh! Speaking of selling! Things are FANTASTIC at the shop! Oh, I’ve read SO many lovely books- and I haven’t sold a single thing! And you might be wondering how I know that- well, Crowley told me that a human bookshop should never actually sell its books. Really, he’s taught me EVERYTHING I could’ve dreamed of needing to know about running a bookshop- it’s so very kind of him. Er- not that I’m upset at all about YOU not teaching me anything, or the Metatron- you both had MUCH, much more important matters to attend to. But it’s alright, in any case- Crowley, Nina, and Maggie are teaching me so much. I’ve learned all about alcohol today- I know how to make a Jenny Tonic now! And I know that if I drink five of them, the room goes a bit sideways!”
“Muriel, love, your time’s going to run out.”
“There’s a time limit?”
“Yes, you’d best wrap things up.”
“Alright! I do wish I could have a full conversation with you. Maybe you could call us back? Oh, I know you’re probably dreadfully busy. But we all miss you so dearly. ESPECIALLY Cr-“
-END of Message.-
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-Message Ten: Saturday, the 14th of October, 00:16, British Summer Time Zone.-
“Right, I’ll make this quick. I’ve probably had one too many- and I’m maybe damning myself or something for drunk-telling off an angel over answerphone- but I digress. You’ve left a real mess here- and I think you know that, but I didn’t want there to be any remote possibility that you convinced yourself that things were all fine, or that this was all for the best, or whatever. There’s damage. And I want you to hear that from someone who’s here.
And…I don’t think it’s too late to fix things. Maybe not everything. But, like…parts of it. And I think you know that, too.
You don’t…need ME to tell you all this, and it’s none of my business, or whatever, I just don’t think you’re the kind of person who’d want to leave things like this.
Does that make any sense? Maybe I’m projecting. I dunno.
That wasn’t as quick as I wanted it to be. I’m going to try and get Crowley off the phone with Rick Astley’s agent now, so, uh, bye.”
-END of Message.-
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-Message Eleven: Saturday, the 14th of October, 01:03, British Summer Time Zone.-
“ …………. ”
-END of Message.-
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-Message Twelve: Saturday, the 14th of October, 01:06, British Summer Time Zone.-
“ ………….fuck’s sake, what am I even- “
-END of Message.-
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-Message Thirteen: Saturday, the 14th of October, 01:09, British Summer Time Zone.-
“……..okay. The humans fell asleep in the guest bedroom, far too drunk to drive home tonight. Muriel told me they called you from Nina’s phone; I deleted the number, no chance of her or Maggie finding it again. Muriel’s asleep too, now, actually. On the sofa. Loves to sleep, that one. If tonight’s any indicator, they’re about to have a bit of an alcoholic phase, too. We-…I’ve been there.
Someone must have put a miracle blocker on your answering machine. Stupid idea. Been trying to figure out how to delete all this for about an hour.
Well.
Anyways.
You shouldn’t be getting any more messages from my phone, ’m blocking your number so this doesn’t happen again. I’d apologize if I were sorry, but I’m not, mainly a bit mortified.
Er. Not that you asked.
Don’t bother checking in, there’s a miracle blocker on my mobile too, now. You wouldn’t even be able to leave a message.
Not that you would.
…that’s all.
-END of New Messages.-