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Sitting on the edge of the examination table in Dr. Kadowaki's office, Squall Leonhart very much looked like the teenager he truly was rather than Balamb Garden's esteemed commander. Slightly slouching, his shoulders turned inward as if he was trying to hide within his jacket, he stared blankly ahead at nothing in particular and stifled yet another yawn.
He was so tired. It was still somewhat early, but it had never been an issue with him before. He wondered if he'd ever feel awake again. Healthy.
''...clonazepam for any future attacks, to be taken as soon as the first symptoms...''
Dr. Kadowaki was listing off all the new medications he'd be prescribed, but Squall wasn't listening; he couldn't stop his mind from wandering back to this early morning. It had barely been more than an hour ago really, when he'd pleasantly awoke to find Rinoa's back pressed against his torso. The slow, measured rise and fall of her chest had set a rhythm within his own that suffused him with a tranquility he seldom had felt that powerfully before. The last time he had slept with her like this (which incidentally, had also been the first time) was the night before they breached the Lunatic Pandora, and while her presence had brought him immense solace, it had ultimately been steeped in anxiety and apprehension for the events to come to next day.
This time... it truly seemed like time had stopped in the gentlest way; and while it definitely should have freaked him out, at that moment he welcomed it if it meant staying with her like this. Angelo was snoring softly on the floor at the foot of the bed, sprawled out on his jacket that had somehow ended up there from the back of the desk chair. He heard birds singing distantly outside; a pleasantly fresh breeze that heralded an unusually warm day was blowing in from the crack of his open window, making the sheer white curtains dance lazily. Taking a deep breath, Squall found a particular scent in the air both surprising and comforting.
Brine. He'd been to many places near and on the sea, but this exact kind of ocean smell he could have recognized anywhere.
(Garden is back in Balamb... I hadn't even realized...)
He'd felt so goddamn good it actually had taken a while before he stopped dozing, Rinoa's warmth and proximity like a powerful soporific keeping him comfortably on the brink between sleep and consciousness. It had felt... strange, in a way; waking up with no urgency, no plan, no haste. He didn't abhor the feeling, now that Rinoa was here.
Her hair was tickling his nose and he nuzzled the nape of her neck groggily, feeling uncharacteristically bold in his half-asleep state. His arm had been slung over her midriff, his hand firmly sprawled out on her stomach...
Her warm, soft, bare-skinned stomach.
A sudden rush of panic overwhelmed Squall, his eyes snapping fully open when he realized the usual barrier of clothing was absent. Rinoa's tank top had seemingly hiked up a bit while she had moved around during the night.
Squall felt acutely self-conscious and mortified. He hadn't meant to do this at all. This felt inappropriate, much too intimate... and he was just about to move when he finally registered the pressure of Rinoa's hands on his forearm, tightening her grip; preventing him from doing so. It took a moment before the stiffness left his body and he settled again, finally getting the message that this was okay. Rinoa relaxed her grip on his arm in turn, languorously leaning her head back and hoping Squall would resume his wonderful nuzzling.
''...7.5mg zopiclone, again, to be taken only when experiencing insomnia, and not for more than...''
When he had somewhat calmed down about the situation, he couldn't help being hyper aware of the direct contact of his hand on her; the deep warmth of her body against his perpetually cold fingers, the impossibly soft texture of her skin, nevertheless hiding the surprisingly hard planes of muscles of her abdomen. This combined with the feel of her neck on his lips, her hair in tangles around his face, her scent that was inexplicably, indescribably her... Something else awoke in him then, something a bit more... carnal, and Squall had been quite taken aback by it. He couldn't recall if he'd ever felt like this towards someone before, and the feeling puzzled him with its elusiveness to be properly named. Of course, he knew what it meant, but it seemed so much more... and the novelty and force of it was something totally unexpected for him. It was like hunger... but not for food.
''If you're done ignoring me, I'd like to speak to you now.'' Kadowaki said dryly, tapping her pen loudly on her clipboard to get Squall's attention. She had to make an effort not to laugh when he snapped his attention to her, startled like he'd just noticed she was there.
Looking at him sometimes, she had to question what Cid had been thinking, to appoint someone so young to such an important role. But despite Cid's shortcomings, she trusted him, and she reminded herself that Squall had, time and again, proven that he was up to the task and had what it took. But glancing at the numerous prescription forms she was filling out, she just wondered what it would cost him, ultimately. She was fond of the boy; aloof, cynical and stubborn though he may be.
''Therapy.'' she said simply.
''What?'' he blinked, confused.
''I'm sure this will come as a shock to you, but I am strongly suggesting cognitive behavioral therapy in conjunction with the medication.''
''But it's not mandatory though, is it?'' Squall countered immediately, his posture visibly stiffening.
The doctor sighed. Curse this child who, somehow, had memorized the whole damn BGU rules and regulations book.
''No, indeed it is not. Hence my strong suggestion.'' Kadowaki deadpanned, giving him a level stare.
Squall shrugged, slouching a little once more. ''Okay.''
The doctor could only huff in frustration. ''I figured. Well, I'm still going to write you a referral for our Garden PTSD specialist, and you're going to take this aforementioned paper in both your hands and show me that you did before I send you out of here with your new meds. Here.'' She handed him the paper with the therapist's contact details and her signature, waving it a bit when Squall did not immediately take it. Pursing his lips, Squall tore it out of her grasp.
''Both hands.''
Squall let out a sigh of frustration and rolled his eyes dramatically, but obliged.
''Now show it to me.''
''Really!?'' Squall snapped, tilting his head toward the doctor and glaring at her.
''I don't remember being vague about it.'' she replied, easily returning the stare.
Squall grumbled in annoyance, lifting both his hands that were holding the paper toward Dr. Kadowaki while pointedly avoiding her gaze.
''Great job!'' Kadowaki intoned in mock praise, ''I'll get your meds sorted and ready, you can wait at my desk.''
She turned and made her way out of the examination room, before suddenly stopping on the threshold, unmoving. For several seconds, nothing happened.
''Doctor?'' Squall called, the confusion evident in his voice. Kadowaki then took a deep breath.
''I know I have this 'tough parent love' thing going on. And you this whole flippant attitude. I appreciate the banter. It's endearing. But let me drop this charade for one second.'' she explained sternly, still standing under the door frame and looking ahead, ''Please seriously consider therapy. I know what you think, but it works. Yes, even for you. That is all.''
And having said that, she left.
Squall crossed his arms, raising his gaze to the ceiling, and sighed loudly.
(Did Cid make her listen to my testimony? Does she know about...)
(It doesn't matter. Even if she did listen to the tape. There's nothing therapy can do about this. How could they ever comprehend the scope of what happened to us?)
(...Of what happened to me?)
(It's useless.)
Squall had to wonder if Rinoa was having a better morning than he was. He opened himself up to the bond a little and instantly felt... upset.
It seemed they were having a similar day so far.
------------------------------------
It was a warm, bright spring morning in the quad, where an overjoyed Angelo was sniffing around and ungraciously rolling on her back in the grass. The area was oddly bustling with students, who apparently had thought the weather was too nice to stay cooped indoors.
Rinoa was sitting on a bench near the budding tree where Angelo was, trying her best to ignore the stares and wide berths every student seemed to be giving her. Squall was annoyed right now, she noticed as she focused on their bond for a quick moment, and it made her chuckle.
''Would you like a little company?''
Rinoa jumped and almost spilled her cup of coffee. Lost in thought as she had been, she hadn't noticed Edea coming her way from the other side of the walkway.
''Oh I'm terribly sorry- I didn't mean to startle you!'' Edea put a hand to her chest in an apologetic gesture.
''Mrs. Edea! It's okay; I was daydreaming I guess!'' Rinoa replied with a nervous laughter. ''Of course I would like your company, please sit!'' she added when she realized Edea had been politely waiting for her answer.
There was a long, rather tense silence after she did so. Both of them were acutely aware of what the other students must be thinking; the two sorceresses (well, one former sorceress) together, speaking. Possibly scheming, suspicious, distrustful. Rinoa noticed that Edea held her head high and her posture straight and proud.
Meanwhile the younger sorceress just wanted to curl in on herself and disappear.
''Try not to let them bother you too much.'' Edea started, feeling her unease. ''They don't know you yet, and are simply confused. But most of them trust Squall's judgment. Give it time.''
''Most of them?'' She didn't know why she focused on those words, when Edea had clearly meant to reassure her. Edea paused for a moment before answering, choosing her words carefully but wanting to be honest with Rinoa.
''There are always dissidents; for all that Squall has done, he is still very young and quite inexperienced. This does not sit well with some people. This, and the fact that he is actively... involved... with a sorceress.''
''...The SeeDs?''
''Mostly the SeeDs, yes.''
Rinoa sighed heavily. Angelo was now focused on trying to catch a jumping cricket with her mouth. She would've found it absolutely endearing if not for the ball of anxiety that now sat heavily in her stomach. Squall was commander of the SeeDs, he couldn't afford, on top of all his current responsibilities, to be dealing with some kind of mutiny because of his relationship with her. She felt guilty and inadequate, yet a sudden wave of indignation also rose inside her at the unfairness of it all.
''He's... we've killed both Adel and Ultimecia. I've actively helped! What more do they need!?''
Edea sighed as well, and her mouth curled into a sad smile. ''Time.''
Rinoa groaned and Edea could not suppress a small laughter at her reaction. But it did strangely lighten the atmosphere. The older woman was loath to speak again; she did not want to spoil the mood with what she had originally come to speak to Rinoa about.
''I have to admit that I relate to you, Rinoa. So many of these students and SeeDs have been under my care, I consider them all my children, truly, yet most of them do not even remember. They also treat me like a bomb that might go off at any moment... and I cannot blame them. For a long while, that is what I was. They are uneasy and skeptical around me, always ready to act should something happen.'' the older woman was distractedly fiddling with her wedding band, and Rinoa found it unsettling to see her looking so anxious.
''I know Mr. Kramer resides here as headmaster but couldn't you just... leave? Live nearby in Balamb Town or something?''
Edea smiled wistfully. ''That would be wonderful, to live right next to the sea again. But I can't. I am stuck here. To leave would lead to my inevitable arrest and imprisonment. Or worse, depending on the outcome of my trial I suppose...''
Rinoa's head snapped towards Edea in confusion for a moment before she realized what she meant.
''Balamb Garden is neutral ground... you get asylum as long as you're staying here!'' She whispered in quiet shock.
''Officially I am a prisoner of war. But yes, you are right.''
Indignation once again rose like bile in Rinoa's throat. ''You were possessed! This wasn't your fault! If not for this, who knows what would've happened to Ellone!? And then to... to the whole goddamn universe!''
''Unfortunately, the world at large knows nothing of Ultimecia. But they know of Sorceress Edea, who killed President Deling in cold blood and attempted to start a second Sorceress War. And people need a villain, someone to put all the evils of the world onto to then be sentenced, so they can sleep at night knowing justice had been made, knowing good prevailed over evil as it should.''
''We have to tell the world the truth then! All of it!''
''That is a noble sentiment. But that is assuming the world actually wants to hear it.''
''But...'' Rinoa trailed off, her shoulders slumping in defeat. A heavy silence hung between the two women, a stark contrast to the overall cheery atmosphere of this beautiful day.
''I did not mean to trouble you so. Yet since our situations are somewhat similar I think it is best to be honest with you. You might also be stuck here for a while.'' Edea explained, and Rinoa did not miss the quick hesitation before she chose to say 'a while'. Would she have to spend to rest of her life here? A bird in a golden cage surrounded by wolves? She suddenly felt very claustrophobic.
''What do you mean?'' she asked quietly, fearing the answer.
''I know how this sounds, but Cid is actively working on a solution for you. And we have time; much of the world is in a state of chaos and change right now; everyone has more pressing matters to attend to. This works in our favor. I know for a fact that this is on top of the list of things Cid wants to straighten out as soon as Squall is back to work next week.''
''I just don't get it, I helped save the world... why are others so hellbent on making me feel like the bad guy?''
''Because you are a sorceress. And probably the most powerful in recorded history, at that. You inherited powers from me, Adel and Ultimecia. The power you possess is... unimaginable. Who knows the actual scope of your abilities. And so it unfortunately does not matter what good you did. The Sorceress War is still too fresh in everyone's memories. This is sadly a burden you will have to carry for the rest of your life.''
''I still don't think I can do this...'' Rinoa muttered dejectedly, fidgeting with the edge of her coffee cup.
''You won't be alone. Squall is your knight and that is exactly what he is for. I will also be there for you, for as long as I can, to help and guide through this. I wish I'd had someone to show me the way when I became a sorceress myself... It would be my pleasure to teach you, if you would like.'' Edea put her hand on Rinoa's back in a comforting gesture. ''It's the least I can do.''
Rinoa knew she should have remained a little bit cautious, at least until she could confirm what Cid's intentions were. There was something about Edea though that simply inspired trust, and Rinoa wasn't one to doubt her own instincts. She would let Squall be as wary and disapproving as he liked, but here was an opportunity to learn more about these powers, and herself in the process, and she wasn't going to waste it.
''I think I would very much like that.'' Rinoa smiled. ''Thank you so much, Mrs. Edea.''
''Don't even mention it. I will teach you everything I know about sorceresses; their powers, their weaknesses, their history. If we're to be here a while together, we might as well make something good out of it.'' Edea smiled back warmly, the kind of motherly smile that Rinoa hadn't realized she missed so much, especially directed at her like this. She still was far from feeling confident and safe in this new, hopefully temporary living arrangement, but knowing she had Edea's support and wisdom to help her navigate this mess did a lot to alleviate her anxieties.
''I think... your furry companion is rummaging through a trash can...'' Edea announced quietly after a moment, looking behind Rinoa.
It took a second for Rinoa to process this information before she gasped and shot upwards, whipping around to discover her dog on her hind legs, head completely inside the metal bin. ''Angelo, no! Bad girl!!''
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Squall was absent-mindedly making his way to the cafeteria, even though he was not in any way hungry at the moment. What he really wanted to do was head back to his room to change into workout clothes, drive to the usual empty stretch of beach he liked and just run. Get his strength back. Possibly ponder what to do next at the same time. But he itched to get moving, to finally do something physical.
And if it could get him out of Balamb Garden for a couple of hours it was simply a boon. He wasn't running from his problems, nope.
Not at all.
It took a moment before he finally realized what he was actually doing was walking towards Rinoa's location. Stopping in his tracks, he focused his attention on their bond, opening himself up to it more, nudging her with his mind.
Her answer was immediate, a wordless, joyful greeting seeping into his soul like warmth from the sun. It still mystified him; the intensity of her happiness and affection when he reached out to her, spoke to her, touched her. He still couldn't believe he was really the cause of it sometimes.
Will you join us?
Us?
Yes! Quistis, Zell and Irvine are with me.
Squall couldn't help feeling inexplicably awkward at the prospect. These were his friends- his family in all but blood really- yet the thought of facing them after the ordeal that had been his return from Time Compression somehow embarrassed him.
(What opinion do they hold about me now? Do they... think less of me? Think I'm weak? Because of what happened?)
(Less of a leader?)
(...Since when have I ever cared about that particular thing?)
Rinoa must have sensed his growing apprehensiveness, because she quickly replied:
Everything's okay. Everyone's really eager to see you again.
Well, there was no point in delaying the inevitable. Squall figured the sooner he'd deal with this, the faster things could return to a general state of normalcy. He resumed walking along the hallway at his usual brisk pace, surprising himself when he lightly acknowledged a few greetings he received from students and fellow SeeDs he crossed paths with.
As soon as he stepped inside the cafeteria, he quickly scanned the place and was relieved to find most of the tables were unoccupied; lunch time was mercifully still a few hours away. His eyes settled on the far back of the room, from where the boisterous chatter of his friends originated. They hadn't noticed him coming their way yet and Squall was suddenly struck with how relieved he felt to see them there, safe and in good health; happy and joking. Irvine had his feet propped up on the table, Zell was eating lunch like he'd never eaten anything before in his life, Quistis was drinking coffee, her laptop open in front of her. Rinoa was sitting cross-legged on the plastic chair, telling some story and gesturing with her hands while doing so.
It all felt... reassuring, mundane, delightfully normal.
(Maybe... it won't be so bad after all.)
Rinoa locked eyes with him finally, her smile gentle and her gaze knowing, as the conversation died and everyone turned towards their commander. That's when Squall did note that Selphie wasn't among them though, and wondered briefly about that.
They were all looking at him silently, all soft smiles and fond eyes, almost as if afraid of spooking him... and maybe it wasn't that far off from the truth. Squall though still felt like he was violently squirming inside his own skin, uncomfortably shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He particularly hated being the center of attention, for any reason.
(I was mistaken. It's bad.)
The one to break the tense silence was Irvine.
''Heeey, stud.'' he slurred with a ridiculous cowboy accent, which made Rinoa choke on a sip of her water.
''We said not to be weird! You're being weird!'' Quistis whispered harshly while rolling her eyes in his direction, only to then shove his feet off the table, almost making him fall off his balancing chair.
''Guys I'm... I'm gonna be weird, sorry.'' Zell uttered, voice uneven and trembling, promptly pushing his chair backwards and in three strides standing before Squall. ''Sorry man.'' he repeated as he swept Squall up in a suffocating bear hug. The shorter man had absolutely no problem even lifting Squall off his feet like he weighted nothing.
Chaotic. Rinoa stifled her laughter as best she could despite Squall's exquisitely appalled, indignantly horrified expression, but just could not hide it. She eventually gave him an apologetic if not humorous smile that almost had him smiling himself, if only at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.
But he wouldn't have wanted it any other way, he realized while trying to get oxygen back into his lungs. He'd walked into the fire with these people and he'd do it again in a heartbeat, even if they sometimes were a bit... frustrating.
Or clingy.
Way too clingy.
Squall eventually managed to wriggle free from Zell's embrace and push him away to a more respectable distance, keeping an outstretched hand on his shoulder to make sure he got the message.
''I was just so worried, man. Don't do that to us again, you hear?'' Zell sniffed, hastily wiping his cheek with his forearm.
''I'll keep that in mind.'' Squall deadpanned, re-arranging his jacket.
(...Next time I find myself dying in an empty desert outside of time.)
Behind Zell, Irvine slapped the seat of the empty chair next to him. ''Have a seat Mr. Commander.''
Both Zell and Squall went to sit in their respective seats; Squall deftly smacking Irvine's hand away when the latter tried to shake his shoulder amicably. ''Don't touch me.'' Squall mumbled in a mildly annoyed voice, out of habit at this point.
Quistis snorted. ''Ah, he's well and truly back, without a doubt.''
The group burst out laughing, and it was like this bubble of awkwardness just popped. Nothing had changed between them. Even Squall found himself with the ghost of a smile on his lips, his heart feeling light. He could try lying to himself; that it was Rinoa's good mood affecting him through their bond, and there was a time not that long ago where that lie would've worked. Not so much anymore.
''It's great to have you back, man.'' Irvine said with a blooming smile.
''It's... great to be back.'' Squall replied honestly, albeit in a quiet voice.
He caught Rinoa staring at him then, her eyes sparkling and full of fondness, and felt the flush rise to his cheeks.
This is a... pleasant kind of awkward. Is that weird?
Not at all. They didn't want to overwhelm you, but they're really glad you're here.
Squall had a thought resurface at Rinoa's words, and he was glad to change the subject before the red on his cheeks became too noticeable. ''Where's Selphie?''
''Hah! She is busy organizing the big party, of course!'' Irvine explained with a bark of laughter.
Squall's blank expression made it clear that he had no idea what Irvine was talking about. The sharpshooter promptly turned towards Rinoa. ''You haven't told him about the big party!?''
''Must've slipped my mind?'' she offered sheepishly.
''Unbelievable!''
Quistis closed the lid of her laptop with a sigh. ''She's planning this big celebration in our honor, and for the defeat of Adel and well, Ultimecia. Big semi-formal party, all of Garden will be there.''
''...But it's not mandatory though, is it?'' Squall attempted.
''Yes. Yes it is.'' Rinoa replied sharply, giving him a meaningful look.
Zell guffawed at the exchange taking place between the two lovers. ''That was an honest try, Leonhart.'' Rinoa reached out for one of Zell's french fry and promptly flicked it at him, but he dodged it easily.
''I know!'' Rinoa suddenly lit up and turned towards Squall. ''We should go pay Selphie a visit, she'll be delighted to finally see you!''
''Yeah, okay.''
''I feel like I haven't seen her in months!'' Rinoa pushed herself off her chair and excitedly tugged on Squall's sleeve. ''Come on, let's go!''
''Take it easy you two!'' Quistis called as she and the boys waved the couple goodbye, mirth as evident on their faces as the blush on Squall's cheeks when Rinoa grabbed his hand in hers to lead the way.
The three of them exchanged a knowing smile, in their eyes a look of understanding that went beyond the need for words. They had been through so much together. At first they were all such a disjointed team; but they fought, and they hurt, and they celebrated, and they pulled each other up, time after time, without fail. They grew together, and in time became both a highly efficient unit and, perhaps most surprising of all: a caring and loyal family.
To have gone through all this, all that pain and despair in the face of constant threat of death... only to then possibly come out the other side with one less of them...
It was a damn miracle they were all still here, alive. An unimaginable stroke of luck, or perhaps fate, but none of them cared either way; in the end it didn't matter how. Only that they'd made it. Together.
------------------------------------
Falling into step beside one another in the hall, Rinoa was glad to finally have a semi-private moment with Squall as they headed towards the Garden's ballroom. While their morning had been more than pleasant, she had sensed that Squall's appointment with the doctor had somewhat soured his mood for some reason. She had felt it rather distinctly and was worried about the possible implications. Had he received bad news? Was he somehow sick or injured still? Despite her own worries following her surprise conversation with Edea, she couldn't help being anxious for him also.
''Hey,'' she started in a quiet voice, ''Is everything okay?''
Squall glanced at her momentarily, evidently a bit confused by her sudden question.
Rinoa clarified; ''You were upset this morning. Bad news?''
Understanding flashed in his eyes for an instant before annoyance etched itself plainly on his face. Not at Rinoa, but rather the recollection of his appointment with Kadowaki. Rinoa noticed he had that crease between his eyes, not quite a frown, when something bothered him and he was ruminating about it. She was about to prod him about it further, determined not to let him evade the subject by way of arriving at their destination, when he finally spoke:
''I could ask you the same thing.''
He got her there, but she wouldn't let him deflect.
''You could, but I still asked first.''
Squall gave a closed-mouth sigh. ''Can this wait until later?''
He felt the sharp pang of anxiety from Rinoa but he couldn't fathom why.
''Okay. Just... you're okay, right?'' she ventured, unsure if she was pushing too much.
(Oh.)
(She's worried about me.)
It startled him still sometimes.
He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, deciding to broach the subject right now if it meant alleviating her worries. ''I am, it's nothing. Kadowaki wanted me to go to therapy. She was... insistent, is all.''
The relief she felt next was clear between them.
''Oh. Well, I understand it's not easy but... it's really worth it.''
Squall was once again confused for a second, before realizing that Rinoa thought he actually agreed to go.
''I'm not going.'' he clarified. Rinoa turned her head to look at him with that look she reserved for when he was being especially stubborn.
''Squall...''
''This isn't up for debate.''
Rinoa sighed in frustration but ultimately did not press on. There was an awkward pause as they rounded a corner into another hall, nearing the grand ballroom.
''...What about you? Why were you upset this morning?'' Squall finally asked, tentatively trying to lighten the mood into what should soon be a happy reunion. He felt like he had messed up, again.
''Ah... yeah, can this wait until later?'' Rinoa replied with a sheepish smile, understanding what Squall was trying to do and deliberately leaning into it.
Squall snorted. ''That's not fair.''
''It's... I'd rather we be in private.''
Now he was the one feeling anxious by her response.
------------------------------------
They hadn't even had time to take in the bustling scene before them, barely stepping into the ballroom proper, before a resounding cry of glee echoed in the spacious room. The place was surprisingly teeming with people; it seemed students were more than willing, and eager, to help plan a celebration after the hectic year of war and general craziness. All heads momentarily turned toward a terrified Squall, an amused Rinoa, and the unstoppable tidal wave of energy and joy that was Selphie Tilmitt, barrelling in their direction.
The sheer panic that rippled from Squall through their bond made Rinoa giggle despite herself, and Selphie, sensing that maybe, just maybe she was being a bit too... Selphie, stopped just short of colliding into the both of them.
''Oh Hyne I'm SO happy to see you guys! Squally! You're okay! I knew it!! Nothing could getcha. And if it did Rin wouldn't allow it, am I right?'' she was hopping from one foot to the other excitedly, apparently unable to contain her happiness.
She would probably never truly know how accurate that statement was. Rinoa laughed but it felt a bit nervous to Squall.
''It's good to see you Selphie.'' he said simply, a bit hastily, but he meant it.
''Awww!'' she finally stopped hopping in place and extended her arms towards Squall for a hug before stopping herself, instead hugging her own shoulders tight. Rinoa had to laugh; seeing the overly physically affectionate Selphie interacting with Squall never failed to be adorably hilarious. She reached her arm out to touch her petite friend and Selphie immediately enveloped her in one of her signature crushing hugs. When she pulled back she was instantly hopping excitedly again.
''I've been speeding through the preparations for the party as soon as I heard you were upright! It's going to happen THIS Saturday, 1900 hours, sharp! Oh!! Rin! I've had flyers made, would you like a stack? We've got to let everyone know, and it's only in four days so I'll take all the help I can get!''
''Of course, I'd be happy to!'' she was anxious at the thought of distributing flyers to students and SeeDs considering how they seemed to feel about her... but she had no qualms about leaving a few of them on cafeteria tables or library study desks.
''Yes!! They're over there by the tables, follow me!'' Selphie hooked her arm with Rinoa's and pulled her along towards the back of the room, skipping joyfully while Rinoa tried not to stumble forward on her face. Squall watched them leave and crossed his arms, an amused half-smile on his lips.
''Commander.''
Squall jumped at the sudden appearance of Quistis by his side. He hoped to Hyne the fact that he was lost in his own world while staring at Rinoa hadn't been too noticeable.
''Sorry, didn't mean to...'' she shot a meaningful look between Rinoa and him. ''...disturb your daydream.''
Turns out it had been very noticeable.
''...Whatever.'' Squall mumbled dismissively, his cheeks reddening slightly, which made Quistis hide her chuckle in her hand for fear of aggravating him even more. ''What are you doing here?'' Squall quickly changed the subject.
''Selphie successfully enrolled me into the committee. Well, all of us, actually, if you can believe that. I'm mostly helping her arrange accommodations for the high-ranking guests that are going to be there Saturday.'' she explained with a vague gesture of her hand, as though this was all mundane work for her.
(High-ranking guests. I'm guessing at best potential clients and investors, at worst ambassadors from other countries... probably officers from Galbadia Garden, or its new headmaster... if it even has one as of now.)
(This isn't going to be pleasant at all. But what did I expect?)
''Squall... is everything okay?''
Seeing Squall's frown deepening, his eyes cast downward in that signature ruminating look he had when something bothered him, Quistis couldn't stop herself trying to help. She had had countless refusals from him in the past, sometimes a less-than-polite rebuke when she pried, but she still tried.
Yet the few times in the last year where, in some rare moment of vulnerability if she had to guess, he had confided in her his problems or worries despite their shortcomings, had made it all worth it. She hadn't been fair to him in the past, was ashamed of her immature reactions when it came to her feelings for him, and so she was determined to make it right.
Squall crossed his arms once more. ''Yeah. Lot on my mind.''
''I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think too much about it. Take this party for what it truly is; just a way for us to celebrate the fact that it's all behind us now. We can close that chapter in our lives and try to move forward.''
''You're surprisingly optimistic about all of this.'' Squall remarked, a bit taken aback.
''Therapy helps. I assume you're going?''
''What? No! I'm fine. I don't need it.'' he replied hastily, and Quistis could tell she had unknowingly hit a nerve. His whole body stiffened as he turned slightly towards her. ''What good would it do, how could anyone relate to what I've experienced, and try to help? It's too... fucked up!''
Something in Squall's answer annoyed her. It could have been the fact that he thought himself alone, as he always did. She felt bad for angering him once more, as she had done numerous times before, but he was infuriating to deal with sometimes, and no, she would not let that one slide.
''Well for starters, we can! Need I remind you that we were right there beside you! So yes, of course it's fucked up and utterly insane and no one else in the entire world but us has experienced this, but we still go. Because it has to... to come out in some way that isn't self-destructive. You get that, don't you?'' Quistis replied, undeterred by Squall's outburst and keeping her voice low yet firm.
Squall's whole posture seemed to deflate somewhat. ''You're... you're all in therapy?''
''Of course we all are!'' Quistis' voice softened then. ''What we went through was beyond comprehension. It was mind-boggling and terrifying. We were trained for the horrors of war, of combat and torture and death but nothing could have prepared us for this. It wasn't mandated but as far as I know, we all went willingly.''
Beyond comprehension. Mind-boggling. Terrifying. What Quistis was saying was true; they all had been trained since childhood to thrive in high-stress situations, to know how to fight and survive in warlike scenarios, hostage situations, kidnappings... They were trained with all these weapons, these Guardian Forces, all these tools... and yet-
Squall put a stop to his train of thought to look over at Rinoa again, new worries etching themselves on his brow while she chatted with Selphie. Completely oblivious to his inner turmoil, her beaming smile punching a hole in his heart.
Not all of them had had that training. That upbringing. She had kept up with them so well, he sometimes forgot now.
(When you're face to face with a being who is actively swallowing the whole universe at your feet, what good does all that training do anyway? How can you even start making sense of everything you once took for granted about the very foundations of reality?)
(If us highly-trained SeeDs have trouble coming to terms with that... how is she doing?)
Something heavy sat in his stomach as he realized how selfish he had been these past few days. He had assumed she was fine, she seemed fine but now he had to wonder if she wasn't just being strong for his sake, and the thought made his ears hot with shame.
''I... I apologize.'' he muttered, rubbing a hand on his forehead in embarrassment. ''Of course you all experienced the same reality-bending... shit I did.''
If Quistis was surprised by his seemingly sudden change of attitude she didn't outwardly show it. But she was.
''No harm. From what Rin told us... you actually still had it way worse.''
''What has she told you?'' he asked without missing a beat, the panic not quite masked from his usual monotone voice. The thought of his friends knowing about the complete emotional breakdown he went through when Rinoa brought him back still did not sit well with him. He loved them, but this was a level of vulnerability he most probably would never be comfortable speaking about, or showing.
''Don't worry,'' she replied, halfway between appeasing and exasperated. ''Nothing detailed. Just that you were stuck 'outside time', losing your memories rapidly like some kind of super-accelerated Guardian poisoning...'' she trailed off, her tone of voice making it clear she didn't understand all the finer details of what Rinoa had told her, but she nonetheless turned slightly toward Squall, prompting him to look her in the eyes. ''Squall, it sounds truly awful. I'm so sorry.''
He had to turn away, the concern and empathy in her ice-blue eyes too awkward for him to be the recipient of. ''It's fine.'' he mumbled, searching for a way to politely escape this situation.
As if on cue, both Selphie and Rinoa were making their way back to them. Rinoa's arms were holding an impressive stack of flyers, which made Squall wonder amusingly if there were even enough flat surfaces in Garden to put them all on.
''Quisty!'' Selphie called out exuberantly. ''The flyers are here! Want some?'' she pointed in Rinoa's direction, and the pleading yet discreet look Rinoa gave Quistis almost threatened to make Squall laugh.
''Uuh, hey Selphie, look I brought you lunch! You have to eat.'' Quistis tried to deflect the question and stiffly brought up the take-out container she'd been carrying.
''Pff no time! I'll eat when I'm dead!''
''That's... not...''
''We'll leave you to it then.'' Squall announced, seizing his means of escape. His eyebrows were slightly raised in his otherwise usual stony expression; a quirk his friends knew well now conveyed mild amusement.
''Of course! I'm sure you're busy as hell now that you're back, mister Commander. But don't you worry one bit about this party; I'm taking care of everything!'' Selphie said with an exaggerated conspiratorial wink.
(Oh yeah. Unbelievably busy.)
''I don't really care about--''
''Could you please help me with these?'' Rinoa interrupted, rearranging her grip as best she could on the tottering stack of glossy papers, and also wanting to spare Selphie from Squall's rather uncaring remark.
''No.''
''My knight.'' Rinoa snorted with a dramatic eye roll.
Saying their goodbyes, they headed back to the Garden's main hall, where after a few minutes of silent walking Squall let out a decidedly frustrated sigh.
''Give me that.'' he huffed, gesturing to the flyers.
Rinoa couldn't help the grin on her face as she watched an annoyed Squall take the bundle from her. Again, without even speaking they headed to Squall's room, crossing paths with many students and SeeDs who saluted him in various ways... and others who simply stared.
(This is going to get old fast.)
With no small amount of difficulty, Squall balanced the paper stack against his chest with his arm while he fished for his keycard in his jacket pocket, under the mirthful look of Rinoa beside him. Finally succeeding and entering his room, he set the flyers down on his small console table while Rinoa emptied her pockets beside him. He absent-mindedly noticed the smattering of things; a lip balm, a small gil purse, a pack of mints... he however gave pause when his eyes settled on a room keycard.
Seeing him freeze from the corner of her eye, Rinoa followed his gaze directed at the small plastic rectangle, and gasped.
''Ooops, you weren't supposed to see that!''
''What is it?''
''It's... the keycard to my room.'' she replied cheekily, turning and lifting herself up with her arms to sit on the table's edge.
''The keycard to your-?'' Squall whipped his head toward her, frowning in confusion. ''...How long have you had your own room?''
''Hmm... well... a couple days, give or take.'' her smile was downright devilish.
''A couple-'' Squall half-repeated again incredulously. He hadn't even been awake for a couple of days yet. She had had her own room for all this time. He pinched the bridge of his nose and... laughed. Rinoa, who despite her cockiness had been tense waiting for his reaction, softened and laughed in turn.
''Are you angry?'' she asked tentatively, a bit taken aback by his rather strange reaction.
In another time, in another life it seemed to him now, he probably would have been. As it was... he was actually glad to know that she wanted to be with him like this, to spend time with him. Mundane, uninteresting time with what was ultimately a mundane, uninteresting man, he thought. That newfound anxiety he had experienced the night before about disappointing her, now that the threat of the world ending was eliminated, was still very much gnawing at him. Briefly thinking back to the previous night, he also suddenly remembered that she had still asked him if he'd have preferred to be alone. Gratitude and love swelled in him and made his heart ache with the weight of his earlier realization; was she holding up as well as she seemed? Was she being strong for him, because he had been a complete mess since he'd woken up? He lowered his hand from his face to better gaze into her eyes, searching for the right thing to say, the correct words to bring about this conversation he actually dreaded having; because he was scared of her answer.
I don't deserve you.
The feeling had been sudden and powerful; had gone through effortlessly between them even though he hadn't meant it to. Rinoa laughed softly, tilting her head in disbelief.
''That came out of left field.'' she said with a beaming smile, but was still more than a little confused about the turn this rather silly conversation had taken.
Squall groaned, lowering his head to better hide the embarrassment in his eyes and the redness of his cheeks behind his bangs, and Rinoa's heart just about melted at the sight.
''Care to elaborate?''
Feeling somewhat bold, she reached for the belts on each side of his waist and gently pulled at them. To her delight, he let himself be lead towards her, between her knees, close.
''Not really, no.''
''Yeah, I figured.'' she chuckled, moving his hair away to softly kiss his forehead, the delicious fluttering sensation in her stomach growing when she felt him lean into the touch.
As much as Squall desired to continue wallowing in his sorceress' love like this, he knew he had to have yet another difficult conversation with her. He had to know. He just didn't know how to go about it, as he often did in these kinds of situation.
He straightened up to look at her again, and Rinoa's hand fell to rest on his cheek lovingly. Her eyes were sparkling with both adoration and mischief, and Squall could feel how she wanted to kiss him right now. It took everything he had not to give in, and to take both of her hands in his, between them, creating a little distance. He couldn't help noticing the deep red marks on her hands, only partially hidden by her usual arm warmers, and he frowned, ashamed that he hadn't noticed them before now.
Slowly he pulled the fabric up one forearm, revealing more angry red scars, large splotches of burned off skin that had been magically healed. Curing magic, even of the highest level, could only accelerate the healing of wounds, and so scarring was still inevitable. But what worried Squall was the pain that so often persisted afterwards despite all appearances that it shouldn't; as if the body still remembered its trauma. Still needed to process it on its own time even though it had been mended. He'd felt it countless times before: on his forehead, near his right clavicle, on the left side of his hip... a dull, but sometimes burning ache that reminded him of his close encounters with death. He replayed the memory of the moment Rinoa had cast that terrible spell in his mind, the way he had himself been on the verge of passing out from the pain, from her pain... and the panic he had felt when for an instant he wasn't sure if she wouldn't just burn up entirely.
''Does it hurt?'' the question had been so quiet she almost didn't catch it.
''...Sometimes.''
It was the perfect moment to ask. But anything he came up with felt so shallow and reductive he thought it seemed borderline insulting.
(How are you? No, that's just dumb. How are you holding up? Is everything, you know, okay? Hyne that sounds stupid and vague.)
He took a deep breath and she felt his annoyance clearly.
''Hey, it's alright. Show me.''
His face took on an expression of resolve, his lips tightening in a straight line as he cradled her head between in hands and gently brought her forehead to his. He had no idea if this actually helped in any way convey meaning, but it did feel right, especially when Rinoa's fingers tangled in the hair at the back of his head. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on their bond and let his feelings seep through to her slowly. Wordlessly, emotions and impressions revealed themselves to Rinoa, not unlike a fog evaporating under the sun.
There was shame first and foremost; a feeling of inadequacy and of never being good enough that she'd come to understand was almost always present within him. But then there was a deep-seated anxiety, a gnawing feeling of guilt over her wellbeing and his role as her knight respectively, that pervaded everything she received from him.
Less loudly in this tangle of feelings but still undoubtedly there was a desire to shield and protect, and, perhaps most delightfully surprising of all for Rinoa: pride.
And it was all over... her.
''What you did...'' he whispered softly, otherwise unmoving. ''When you fought... It... I can't find the words. You were... astounding. I've been a mess since I've been back. I wasn't thinking but... I worry about you. What you've been through.''
Rinoa felt the tears pricking her eyes, and was trying to commit each of his words to memory. It was a remarkably close summary of what she had felt from him, but to hear him try his best putting it into words anyway was something she would always cherish from him. That he took the time and effort to open up to her about his worries, of his own will, was even better than his growing physical displays of affection.
She pulled back to look into his eyes, struck speechless for once, but loving the shade of red that she found was coloring his cheeks.
''You think too much, and I should really stop being surprised about it.'' wiping a tear from the corner of her eye with the heel of her hand, she then comfortably rested her arms on his shoulders, loosely entwining her fingers behind his neck. She was going for a humorous answer to lighten the mood and his worries, but when he didn't quip or scoff or whatever her, and instead just continued to fix her with his signature intense stare she understood how badly it had been eating away at him.
''Hey, I'm okay. Honestly. I mean considering, well, everything that's happened I guess I'm still... you know, processing. We all are, I'm sure. But everyone is healthy, and you're here and I'm just so grateful, despite things being somewhat complicated.''
''What things?'' Squall asked without even trying to mask the concern in his voice.
Rinoa exhaled forcefully through her nose, searching her words carefully for a second. ''Mrs. Edea and I had a conversation this morning-- it's fine, she wants to help!'' she interrupted herself when she felt Squall's shoulders stiffen at the mention of the ex-sorceress' name. ''But she warned me that things might get... difficult, what with me being a sorceress and you being Garden's commander. And that some SeeDs question my intentions... and your loyalty.''
That crease appeared between his eyes again as he stood perfectly still, looking at her but not seeing her, already weighing her words and turning them every which way in his mind. Of course he had been aware of the situation, and it had been easy to put himself in those SeeDs' shoes, understand their reaction. He would have had the same suspicions had he been in their place. If only they could know just how much both he and Rinoa had never desired their respective titles in the first place.
''Everyone knows who I am; who we are. And like Mrs. Edea I am stuck here, at best for the foreseeable future, at worst--'' she trailed off, trying not to sound dramatic even if forever was a real possibility. ''I'm just not sure if I can do it. And knowing I'm the reason some SeeDs reject you as commander... It's not a nice thought. Mrs. Edea did offer to help me with my powers, and everything that comes with them, and that's amazing! I'm deeply grateful! But to live my whole life in here, never seeing... Timber, or the ocean, or Hyne... even Deling City! I feel suffocated just thinking about it.''
She felt Squall's whole body go rigid; he was bristling with barely-contained anger.
''You will not be stuck here. You want to leave, you leave.'' he growled. And for an interminable couple of seconds Rinoa wasn't entirely sure if his anger was directed at Garden; at this whole situation... or her.
Balamb Garden was his home. He'd been raised here; had she insulted him, and this place he held dear? The only home he had ever truly known?
''And if that's what you want, I'll follow you.'' he finally added, and Rinoa's heart skipped a beat, unsure if she had heard him correctly. She pulled back and straightened her posture, her arms leaving his shoulders to better examine him, searching his eyes for any signs that betrayed the resolve in his voice.
''Wait, no. No no no. You can't possibly be saying--'' she gestured vaguely with her hand, scoffing in utter disbelief.
Squall said nothing, his expression stoic and his gaze unwavering.
''You'd leave Garden... and SeeD and... everything, everyone behind. How can you... proclaim that so easily?''
Squall shrugged.
''Because I love you.''
The way he said it was not in any way romantic or theatrical; so far removed from the dramatic romance novels Rinoa had once read and longed to experience herself as a little girl. No, he was simply stating a fact. Yet she knew that he meant it, had felt it through their bond long before he directly put it into words. It was simply his very unique brand of blunt honesty and his own way of expressing his love to her (and though certainly unconventional and at first a bit cold and clinical) her heart bloomed with deep affection at his words. The gruff-voiced, impossibly muscled men of those romance novels paled in comparison to the utter devotion she felt from him through their bond, but most of all through his actions.
She was struck, again and again since she'd met him, by the fact that when Squall Leonhart did something, then by Hyne he never stopped until it was perfect. He might find it hard, or troublesome, or even useless, and he might be annoyed, anxious, or terrified or furious while doing it, but he saw whatever task to the very end and ensured that it was done well. Every time.
And she'd come to learn that this kind of philosophy also seemed to apply to the way he loved as well. Once he did love, he was all in; no holding back. Even if he was inexperienced, or awkward or clumsy. Everything was intense with him. It wasn't something that she had expected at all at first, but getting to know him, little by little over that last year, and especially recently through their link, had only further proven her theory.
Once more she found herself simply speechless, filled with a longing to embrace him, hold him close, kiss him... because while she would never make that decision for the both of them; to just leave everything and everyone behind... the simple fact that he had offered was a gift that made her heart ache with emotions that were difficult to name.
Squall was starting to appear visibly self-conscious, fidgeting in place under her stunned gaze and seemingly unaware of the weight of his words. ''...What?''
''Nothing. I am going to kiss you now.''
She reached out, put her hands on either side of his face and brought his lips to hers roughly. A small grunt of surprise escaped Squall's mouth and was lost against Rinoa's. The feelings of warmth, love and comfort that he was met with through their bond told him in no uncertain terms how she also felt towards him. Not that he had had much doubt, if any, after everything they had shared. It simply felt surreal sometimes, and not for the first time he had almost asked her why? Why me?
When Rinoa eventually pulled back, it was just so she could throw her arms around both of his shoulders and bury her nose in his jacket's collar. His own hands came to rest on the back of her head and upper back respectively, and she was momentarily sent back to that first true embrace they shared at the Sorceress Memorial.
How strange that it seemed simultaneously so long ago and also like it happened yesterday.
''I think... I want to try and make it work.'' she whispered against his throat. ''Running away wouldn't solve anything, on the contrary. Always being on the run, hiding, like we're ashamed... no. I want to prove the skeptics wrong. Make them understand. I am not Adel. I am not Ultimecia. I want... I can make something good out of all this.''
She felt him smile as much against the side of her head as she did through their bond, and she cursed herself for having missed seeing it.
There's the Rinoa I know.
The mind-words were tinged with both playfulness and pride, and she giggled, the muffled sound a pleasant vibration against his throat.
''What about the SeeDs?''
''Fuck them.''
Rinoa burst out laughing at Squall's less than professional solution, and even he chuckled along with her. He didn't want to think about that right now. It was going to be a problem, that much was evident. But not now. Laguna's words inexplicably came to his mind; he'd burn that bridge when he'd get to it.
''But if it all gets to be too much, or too dangerous... or you change your mind: just tell me. And we'll go.'' he squeezed her harder against him to emphasize his point.
Somewhere in the back of Squall's mind was a small, seldom-acknowledged and rather self-destructive part of him that had actually hoped, had longed for her to want to go. To leave everything behind, go far away, start anew. No titles, no duties; just a young couple, like so many others, living their simple lives, unremarkable and ordinary. He had wondered what such a life would look like for him in the past, long before meeting Rinoa, in the dead of night in moments of weakness. That fantasy he thought he had stifled for good, but now with Rinoa everything had changed. He swore he'd never acknowledge or entertain the thought again; there was no use in grieving for a past that had never even been a possibility to begin with.
''I will. I promise.''
Now he was the one pulling back to look her in the eyes, making sure she knew he was being dead serious about this. She held his stare in solemn understanding for a moment, before Squall cleared his throat and spoke again:
''So... uh, therapy.''
Rinoa was a bit taken aback by yet another wild turn of conversation.
''Yeah? What of it?
''You're going?''
''I am, yes?'' Rinoa was unsure where this was all leading, and for a moment wondered if he was actually going to admonish her for it, given his apparent stance on the issue as of this very morning.
Squall seemed to ponder for a second, almost imperceptibly tilting his head to the side.
''...Then I think I'll go.''
Rinoa had to wonder if she wasn't hallucinating, or if the Squall she knew hadn't been replaced by some kind of (no less pretty, but certainly less bull-headed) clone.
''Wha- well, that's wonderful!'' she waited for him to explain his decision, to elaborate further on what had changed his mind, but of course he didn't. ''I really have to ask though: what's with the sudden change of heart?''
''Some stern words from Quistis.'' he replied simply, shrugging, and Rinoa guffawed.
''Ah yeah, that'll do it.''
Squall humphed at that statement, but was clearly not disagreeing.
''But seriously Squall, you just can't work everything out on your own, it just isn't reasonable.''
''Yeah. Life has had quite a good time of showing me this lately. Repeatedly.''
Rinoa grinned broadly; Squall was being humorous right now. Granted, it was a rather dry and self-deprecating kind of humor, but it was a relief to see him feeling better.
And was that a subtle upward curl of his lips that she saw right then? The mood had shifted and she felt both light and content, knowing him to feel the same way.
''So, now that that's out of the way... what are your plans for the rest of the day?'' she asked in a playful tone, batting her eyelashes and exaggeratedly looking him up and down to try and remind him of the position they were still in; her seated on his console table with him standing between her knees.
''Starting some light exercises at the gym. Maybe going for a run.''
Squall either ignored it all or had no clue what her gestures meant. Rinoa bet on the latter.
''Ugh of course you would. I can think of an infinitely better way of getting some light exercising, though.''
''Oh? What is it?''
''Oh for Hyne's sake- nevermind.'' she gently pushed his shoulders so he'd give her space to get off the table, but he surprised her by snaking a single arm around her waist and doing it for her. Effortlessly. Rinoa was rather flustered by the whole thing, and judging by Squall's smug little smile, he definitely knew what he was doing.
Which meant he had also definitely played dumb earlier, and that was strange.
''I'll uh... hm, see what Nida's up to with Angelo. Yeah. Uh, talk to you later?'' she stammered with a sheepish smile, unsure why she was feeling so off-kilter. Squall was strong, she knew that. Had ogled his arms plenty the rare times he was seen without his jacket. No, that self-satisfied smile of his was what perplexed her. He was amused, she could feel it through their bond. But something didn't feel quite right and she couldn't put her finger on it.
''Sure.''
''Okay, well, bye!''
''Yeah.''
Stumbling over the threshold, she couldn't help it; she turned her head slightly as the door slid closed, just enough to see that same subtle lopsided smile on his face.
She had almost reached Nida's room, pondering the oddness of it all when it finally it her, why it had puzzled her so much. She had completely misinterpreted his tone; Squall hadn't ignored her obvious advances, or even been clueless.
He had been egging her on. Clumsily. But still. It had blindsided her so thoroughly that she did not even entertain the possibility at first. Evidently this is what had amused him greatly.
Stopping in her tracks, she smacked her forehead in frustration.
Excuse me were you... flirting just now!?
Was I?
You were!
Whatever.
She felt his mirthfulness flooding her mind and had to laugh at herself for what had to be the most unfortunate misunderstanding ever. Yet there was a warmth in her chest nonetheless; he surprised her a little more each day it seemed, showing her more facets of him she could not even guess existed.
He got her good this time, she had to concede defeat and allow him this small victory. This time.
He must have sensed her shock and embarrassment because he followed up with:
Seeing you so staggered was entertaining.
That won't work a second time, Leonhart. Better be ready. Better walk it like you talk it.
She could practically hear him laughing, and her heart fluttered with a fondness that was hard for her to even process.