Chronicles of a Lion's Oath 7: Fate

With the universe saved from the threat of Ultimecia, Squall now has to face other kinds of challenges; nightmares from Time Compression plague his sleep, old fears of abandonment return to haunt him, and he questions his -as well as all of SeeD's- role now that his destiny has been fulfilled. A particularly difficult conversation with Balamb Garden's headmaster is going to test the limits of his obedience, with the young commander feeling like he is standing at yet another crossroads in his life.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

It was on the fourth morning since his admission into Balamb Garden's infirmary that Squall woke up feeling somewhat like himself again.

He rubbed his eyes for a long while before finally being able to take in his surroundings clearly; the first thing he noticed was the bunch of IV tubes connected to his left forearm... and the bandage on his right. The early morning sun was filtering through the closed blinds behind his head, lighting the room in a surreal, warm glow. His eyes settled next on the small bedside table nearby, where a water pitcher and glass had been placed. Squall realized just then how dry his throat felt and immediately reached out; pouring the water almost to the brim and downing it greedily.

His urgent thirst now sated, he sighed in relief and tried to recall the last few days, but the memories were a fleeting jumble of nonsensical images that held little context. He remembered being brought back by Rinoa extremely vividly, but then anything afterwards was just hazy and had a surreal dream-like quality to it.

(There was... a fight, maybe? Dr. Kadowaki was... worried? Rinoa was there. She stayed with me? She...?)

He noticed the chair near the head of his bed; her sweater hanging off its back. There was a second pillow near his own... her smell still clinging to it faintly.

Conflicting emotions built up inside of him. Relief, shame, gratitude and love all at once. It all felt a little too much too fast so soon after waking up, and Squall had to take a few moments just to close his eyes and breathe, trying to keep his heart rate normal.

When he had calmed down again, he saw that the door to his room was closed, and wondered where Rinoa had gone to. He could sense she was not far, but her exact location was blurry. The bond, like a muscle sore from neglect, had to be maintained daily to keep functioning properly. Impulsively he reached out to her, a gentle brush of her mind like a soft inquiry, but clumsy from disuse in his still weak state, that could best be translated as:

...? Where?

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Rinoa was on her way to the cafeteria to grab herself a simple breakfast she could bring back to Squall's room, when she heard a familiar voice shout her name from behind her in the hallway. Turning around and ignoring the various distrustful stares from students and SeeDs walking alongside her, she spotted Irvine's signature cowboy hat easily among the crowd, standing out a good foot above everyone else.

''Irvine! It's good to see you!'' Rinoa said as he caught up to her. He smiled broadly, falling into step beside her as they made their way to the cafeteria together. She hadn't seen much of anyone these past few days, and although everyone had taken turns to come and visit her in Squall's room, it had always been brief, mostly to bring her food and get updates, and in hushed tones so as not to disturb him, or incur the wrath of Dr. Kadowaki...

Rinoa had also not left Squall's side for any long period of time; quickly showering, getting a change of clothes and getting food before rushing back to the infirmary again. She had been mostly alone with her thoughts and eaten with worry over her knight's health, so just the simple act of walking with a friend elevated her spirits considerably.

''Likewise! How are you?''

''He's still sleeping, but Dr. Kadowaki has been slowly reducing his meds since yesterday. She's confident he's gone through the worst of it; in fact he should be waking up later today. Well, really wake up. The meds were so strong; the few times he woke up he just...'' She trailed off, gesturing vaguely with her hand.

''The lights were on but there was no one home?'' Irvine offered.

''Yeah.'' Rinoa chuckled. ''That's exactly it!''

''That's terrific news Rin, really. But I was asking how you were, though.'' Irvine gave her a meaningful look and a half-smile as they entered the vast cafeteria and took their places in the line.

''Oh! Gosh, sorry. I guess I've been a little invested in Squall's recovery.'' She said, grabbing a muffin from one of the large trays along with several paper napkins.

''Yeah? Haven't noticed.''

Rinoa snorted. ''I'm doing good. More so since those news. I'm just... so worried. I keep thinking; what if he's... not the same? Changed, somehow?'' She sighed heavily, obviously trying to sort her thoughts coherently. ''Now that I'm hearing myself say it out loud I realize it sounds a bit silly.'' She added quickly under her breath.

''What, you mean what if he's less of an uptight ass now that he's in love? The horror. Oof.'' Rinoa's elbow in his ribs almost made him drop his plate of bacon and eggs.

''You know what I mean, dummy!''

''Yeah yeah I do. But listen; of course he won't be the same. We all aren't after this absolute shitshow. But well, knowing Squall, the guy's an unshakable pillar of stone, I wouldn't be too worried about that. He's gonna wake up and be like; 'Did I miss an issue of Weapons Monthly' or something.'' Irvine gestured, making a scowling face and lowering his voice in a frankly amusing imitation of Squall.

Rinoa wasn't so sure. Irvine didn't know him like she knew him now, through their bond. Didn't know the depths of his anxiety, how much the responsibilities of being commander weighted him down and ate away at him. He hadn't seen the empty look in his eyes when he was in her arms, desperate and in shock. Hadn't seen the tears and the tremble in his whole body as he slept through countless nightmares.

Seeing that Rinoa hadn't laughed at his perfect rendition of their commander, and was instead lost in thought, Irvine cleared his throat.

''I think... it's gonna be different, sure. But it's gonna be fine. We're all here for him, even if he'd rather we weren't most of the time.'' He gave an amused snort. ''The dude just has a natural way of making you like him, despite... well, everything.'' He added in a more serious tone.

Rinoa guffawed at that statement. ''He really does, doesn't he?'' She playfully bumped her shoulder onto his. ''Thanks Irvine. Wow, you can be really mature when you want you know?''

''Blech, don't get used to it.'' Irvine twisted his mouth in an exaggerated display of disgust.

''Ha ha. Besides, I think-- Oh.'' Rinoa stopped her train of thoughts and froze abruptly, Irvine momentarily colliding with her as they were moving along the line. She gasped, eyes widening, and quickly tossed her pastry on Irvine's tray. ''I gotta go.''

Irvine put a hand lightly on her arm, the alarm evident in his eyes. ''Everything okay?''

''Yes!'' Rinoa breathed out, disbelief in her voice. ''He's awake!''

''Attaboy. Keep us updated.'' Irvine grinned when Rinoa gave him a quick nod and briskly walked to the threshold of the cafeteria, where she then immediately took off at breakneck speed towards the infirmary.

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He felt the surge of surprise and joy and haste from her almost instantly, too intense and jumbled to make out any clear words. Just like that, their bond was properly restored, settling between them like a comforting presence in the back of their minds. In seemingly no time at all, Squall heard pounding footsteps outside his door, the concerned voice of Dr. Kadowaki, and then the door slid open and there she was; panting, hair a mess from the run, wide-eyed, one of the straps of her tank top having fallen from her shoulder.

There was some part of him that was still scared of being back in Time Compression, where he could not remember her, could not even remember her presence in his life at all. It would take a long time before he could shake off those alien feelings, this doubt that always crept up in the back of his mind; what if she really did not exist?

But she was there. Her face was clear to him, her eyes bright and he recognized her and she was really there.

Squall didn't think he'd ever seen something so beautiful.

She was trying to catch her breath but it got stuck in her throat. Tears pricked her eyes at the soft look he was giving her, the moment suspended in time. Yearning was what she was feeling from him in waves, and she wasted no time closing the distance between them, breathlessly whispering his name as she threw herself on the edge of the bed and embraced him and him her; entangled in warmth and safety and relief. He breathed her in deeply, and when he exhaled shakily she could feel the tension leaving both of their shoulders, feel the stiffness disappear from their bodies and their restlessness evaporate through their connection.

''What's going--? Oh, bad timing.'' Dr. Kadowaki entered, quickly turned around and left, closing the door behind her.

Neither Squall nor Rinoa noticed.

They stayed like this for several minutes, quietly savoring each others' emotions and the newfound peace they brought. When Rinoa did pull back it was only to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but then she froze when his voice rang clearly in her mind through their bond.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

''I don't even know where to start.'' He whispered. ''Everything.'' He breathed out on the tail end of a sigh, pulling away from her and rubbing his forehead, avoiding her eyes.

There was a potent mix of guilt and shame and fear that emanated from him after saying those words. Rinoa was speechless, so taken aback by the way he felt that she couldn't come up with anything to tell him just how much she thought this was not in any way his fault. Her breath momentarily left her when these emotions he felt suddenly coalesced into a clear message:

Please don't leave me.

The sheer absurdity that she would have even considered the notion at all shook her out of her stupefaction. Yet she sensed that this particular fear was definitely not something new from him. It felt... old, deeply rooted, twisted together in his soul in such a way as to be impossible to extricate without also pulling some good bits out. But she'd make him understand, until he was sick of listening to her if she had to.

Sitting back more comfortably on the side of the bed, she took his hands in hers and held on to them firmly.

''Squall, slow down. None of this is your fault, I promise you. I'm just... I'm so happy you're okay. Hyne, I'm so relieved I could just cry and laugh and run and--''

--kiss you senseless.

Squall's eyes widened and Rinoa could not suppress a laugh at the blush that suddenly colored his cheeks.

''Sorry, that sentence got away from me.'' She giggled, one hand cupping his cheek and gently redirecting his gaze back to hers. ''You won't get rid of me that easily Leonhart. Thought you knew that.'' She added jokingly, unable to contain her boundless joy any longer into a serious conversation. Squall could also feel it, she knew. But he still didn't seem convinced.

''I just... I've messed everything up. And some knight I've been. I made one promise to you and I couldn't even keep it.'' He whispered, leaning slightly into her palm, unable to help himself.

''Oh come on, there was nothing really serious about that promise, you just wanted to make me feel better about this weird dream I had. Which, now that I think about it, was strangely... prophetic... Huh.'' Rinoa trailed off, frowning for a moment before quickly dismissing the thought with a wave of her hand. She'd mull that over later, with all its possible meanings. ''In any case, you were there, you know. At the orphanage. Just not in the right time. But I felt you distinctly close to me when you caught my feather. Despite everything you did keep your promise.''

It did make him feel better to know that he had somewhat reached her still, but it did nothing for the shame of his blunder through time, which he decided he just couldn't share with her. At least not now. Maybe ever, given the possible implications it brought.

(Cid and Edea. I'll make them explain. I need answers, to set matters straight. Even if the answers terrify me.)

Rinoa frowned at the sudden anger that flared up within him, mistakenly believing it to be directed at himself, unaware of his inner monologue. He seemed completely lost in thought, staring into space as he often did when something troubled him or he needed to strategize. In an odd way it sort of comforted her to witness such a typical behavior from him. Maybe her fear of him not being the same really was unfounded after all. Wanting to distract him and make him feel better, she suddenly remembered what she'd wanted to attempt earlier, when he was having nightmares.

''Hey, there's something I want to try. I think it could help get my point across, if you're up for it.'' She leaned into his line of sight, breaking him out of his inner turmoil.

He cocked his head in confusion, visibly apprehensive. She could only chuckle at the sight.

''Relax, just trust me. It's got something to do with our bond. Come here.''

He leaned towards her cautiously and she extended her arms, gently taking hold of his head between her hands. Wounding her fingers in his hair, she then brought his forehead to hers slowly. The loving gesture left Squall with goosebumps on the back of his neck and something fluttering in his stomach, and he instinctively closed his eyes to better appreciate it.

''You know how we can... filter things that get sent through between us? How we can go from speaking and sharing emotions with each other in our minds to just... sort of closing the door for privacy, if we concentrate?'' She explained quietly, trying to find the right words to describe this unbelievable, unexplainable link they shared.

Squall gave a non-committal grunt, unsure of where this was heading.

''Well, I'm gonna try to open my door completely. And I want you to... walk in, if that analogy still makes sense.''

''I don't-- why?'' Squall pulled back a bit, opening his eyes and giving her a searching look.

''Make you see. Feel better. Understand.'' She replied with a light shrug.

He studied her. She seemed so sure about this, almost serene... whereas he knew that he'd be terrified if the roles were reversed. So he had to ask.

''...Are you sure?''

''Absolutely.'' There was not even a hint of hesitation in her answer.

''How do you... know?''

''I don't. I just have a good feeling about this.''

(Now if this isn't the most Rinoa of answers...)

He paused for a second, unsure himself, but then;

''...Okay.'' He whispered, allowing her to bring his forehead back to hers and closing his eyes once more.

''Okay. Tell me if it gets to be too much.''

Squall was about to ask what she meant by that when he felt what he could only describe as a trickle of her emotions entering his mind. And yet, emotion wasn't quite right; it wasn't one particular emotion, or even what she was feeling at this very moment; more so a collection of feelings and impressions that made Rinoa distinctly, unabashedly... her. Stripped of everything corporeal and devoid of any trace of ego. A signature or aura of sorts.

It was resilience and the smell of a forest early in the morning. It was ardency and steadfastness and harsh sunlight but also a gentle laughter; a soft, honest vulnerability. It was loneliness at peace with itself, the sound of a mourning dove taking flight. It was an optimism that refused to be spoiled by cruelty, a defiant stare in the face of injustice. It was community, empathy and an unquenchable thirst for adventure.

And the strangest part out of all this was; Squall felt like he'd just now met Rinoa for the first time.

The trickle morphed and slowly started to consolidate into a ribbon, a string of some kind, a trail begging to be followed to its source. And so Squall followed, could not resist the fascination; his mind brushing with her very essence.

At once, all the tension and apprehensiveness just evaporated from his body and mind. A sound between a gasp and a cry got partly caught in his throat on the way out, and Rinoa strengthened her hold on his head, gently massaging his temples with her thumbs.

Squall had never taken any kind of recreational drug in his life. But in that moment, he was certain that this was what being high must feel like. A rush of warmth, the kind that reached deep in one's bones, enveloped him in a comforting embrace. There was an encompassing feeling of love and peace with the universe and his place in it that engulfed him utterly. A very old and forgotten sentiment that went all the way back to being an infant; the simple and immutable knowledge of being safe and cared for, unconditionally. That everything was going to be alright. That nothing mattered except this. And all around and inside him her presence glowed, soft but constant, like a hand on his back, a lighthouse amidst this quiet hurricane.

It was simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating, and there was only so much a mortal body could harbor, but he couldn't get enough; like a moth to a flame, he would gladly have let it consume him in a final burst of ecstasy.

But in the end, fear stepped in and his hands found Rinoa's shoulders and gripped them hard, suddenly afraid of losing touch with reality. Again. He felt himself crashing back into his own body, found himself panting, heart hammering in his chest, stomach twisted in knots--

--but he felt so damn good.

''...Rin-- yeah, that's--'' Squall tried to articulate, to use speech to convey meaning again, even though it seemed so insufficient and imprecise. He gave a short breathless laughter at his own attempt, and it made Rinoa's heart soar from her chest with affection. She understood that it was a bit too much, and she pulled back from him just enough so they could stare in each other's eyes and collect themselves. Slowly she dialed back the intensity of their connection to a more reasonable level.

''You believe me now?'' She gave him a light smirk, wiping the fresh tear tracks from her cheeks. The way he had felt right then had somehow looped back to her, in a powerful feeling of confelicity that had left her nearly breathless too.

That short burst of laughter again, full of awe and disbelief. From him she could feel a deep sense of unshakable loyalty, a devout love that bordered on sanctity. And while it felt a bit awkward, a bit unhinged, a bit... dangerous to be the recipient of such powerful emotions, she vowed once again to never ever take advantage of it in any way, shape or form. To treat this gift with all the reverence it deserved.

''I do.'' He replied simply.

There was a peculiar glint in his eyes as he suddenly leaned towards her, intent clear as day on his face.

''Oh, oh?'' Rinoa stammered, surprised at his boldness, the meaning of her questioning tone hanging in the quick look she gave his lips.

''Oh yeah.'' He echoed quietly as he closed the distance and kissed her, lightly, slowly, his hand having found its way to the back of her head.

Rinoa just about melted. And when Squall's other hand found her cheek, she thought her soul had essentially left her body. She had been so sure that he'd need space, time to focus on healing, without the stress of physical contact that she knew he still experienced. Even with their bond; his call to her earlier had been a complete surprise. He was the one who had initiated it, and while Rinoa was prepared to take it even slower with him, to let him concentrate on more pressing matters, she was glad that he seemed to have picked up exactly where they'd left off after all.

...And he was getting alarmingly good at this, she realized and smiled against his mouth.

He pulled back and tilted his head, quirking an eyebrow in question. ''What?'' There was amusement in his voice, a half-smile dancing on his lips, a slight blush to his cheeks. Rinoa had a fleeting thought that with the way he looked right this instant, he could've asked her anything at all and she would have gladly accepted without hesitation.

''Nothing. You surprise me, that's all.''

''Whatever.'' He scoffed, but couldn't find it in him to be irritated, still somewhat euphoric from her, from being alive at all. It hit him then. He was glad to have survived, to have been brought back. Despite the uncertainties and the long road ahead, his responsibilities and the coming hardships... despite it all; ultimately he could only feel gratitude. Rinoa could feel the mood change abruptly; in an instant he was suddenly serious, his gaze intense and unblinking.

''Thank you.'' He whispered solemnly, hesitating for a moment before interlacing his fingers with hers, as if he hadn't been kissing her passionately just a moment before. As if this small act was somehow more intimate. Like this, Rinoa couldn't help but notice how tired and... threadbare he still looked. Almost gaunt. Her heart ached to be of more help, yet she knew what he needed most of all was time. And time could not be rushed... they'd been made painfully aware of that.

''Oh, this- this was just something I thought to try, I'm happy it could make you feel b--''

''No. I mean, yes, but I meant... thank you. For everything.''

It was Rinoa's turn now to shift to a more serious tone.

''Squall, you never have to thank me for that. Ever.'' She hoped her voice carried as much conviction as her heart did. Squall didn't move, he held her stare and for a moment they stayed like this, lost in each other's eyes. Rinoa finally recognized that he was debating something within himself and freezing; much like that night on the Ragnarok when he couldn't seem to be able to articulate what he wanted.

''Is everything okay? You're being... more intense than usual all of a sudden.'' She asked hesitantly, hoping a little push would help without being too forceful.

(I'd do absolutely anything for you.)

''It's hard for me to put into words.''

''Really? Well th--''

''Can I... kiss you again?''

Once more he surprised her. She could only nod weakly; exhilaration, confusion and astonishment a strange but pleasant mix in the pit of her stomach.

He hesitated for a second more, but then he did. Only this time it was aching, desperate, full of yearning, of urgency... and a bit crazed. His arms embraced her completely, his hands gripping her and crushing her to him hard. Like her lips were the only thing that could keep him alive, keep him breathing. Like water after days without; he drank her greedily, could not seem to get enough. Head spinning, Rinoa wondered just how and when he had come to be able to tell so much with the way he kissed her.

It was the kiss of someone who thought they'd never again get the chance, who realized with equal amazement and terror how lucky they'd been. Someone who, too young, had understood that everything can end in a split-second, that dying was inevitable, but only now grasped just how much they'd really, really rather not, at least not for a very long time. It was the kiss of someone who now had something to live for.

They finally pulled back a little, skin flushed, definitely breathless and at a loss for words. Rinoa was about to speak when somebody behind her markedly cleared their throat. Dr. Kadowaki had great difficulty hiding her smile at the way both Rinoa and Squall jumped when they realized she was leaning on the door frame.

''Okay miss Heartilly, I think it can be safe to assume that our commander can breathe on his own just fine.'' She couldn't help herself; what good was being older if one could not tease lovesick teenagers?

Squall's blush went about two shades darker before he hid his face behind his hand, rubbing his forehead anxiously. Rinoa swiftly stood up, straightening her clothes and giving a nervous laugh.

''How long have you been here?'' Squall asked in a muffled voice, evidently mortified.

''Don't worry,'' Dr. Kadowaki chuckled, ''I've just arrived. Figured I'd given you two long enough to catch up. Besides, I have some tests to run and questions to ask, and the sooner I do, the sooner you can leave. No-- not right now, so don't try to stand just yet. I don't feel like picking you up when you inevitably crumple to the floor.''

Squall grumbled and settled back on the bed, lips in a thin line and knowing better than to argue. Rinoa had to admit it was quite entertaining to see him being bossed around like that, like an unruly child. Theirs was undoubtedly a relationship that went way back, as she recalled Squall saying Dr. Kadowaki had been doctor here since the foundation of Garden, during the tour he'd given her. She definitely liked this no-nonsense, but still motherly-in-her-own-way doctor.

Despite her affection, Rinoa still stood a bit straighter when Kadowaki's eyes settled on her, as if unconsciously wary of also being admonished.

''I'm afraid it'll be a while still. I suggest you go get some real sleep in the meantime, miss.''

''Okay, but...'' Rinoa hesitated, not sure what she wanted to object to, because Kadowaki was right; she was exhausted, but she was still reluctant to leave Squall's side now that he was finally awake.

''You can rest assured that he'll be fine for a few hours without being constantly in your direct line of sight.'' The doctor added, her half smile betraying the exasperation in her voice.

''Y-yes, of course. Thank you doctor.'' Rinoa stammered, a bit embarrassed at her own sudden possessiveness over her knight.

''Now first, let's look at that arm.'' Kadowaki started unrolling the bandage around Squall's forearm, where a few days prior he had ripped out his IV quite vigorously. Without looking up, she added; ''I'll send him to you once he's discharged, he should remember the way, hopefully.''

''I'm right here.'' Squall groused quietly.

''Yes you are, dear. Now come on; palm up, flex your fingers...''

Rinoa shared once last look with Squall before finally leaving, and seeing his familiar irritated scowl filled her with a strange feeling of normalcy and fondness she couldn't quite describe. All she could think of while walking out of the infirmary, eyes watering and nerves finally settling, was that he was finally back.

When she emerged in the hallway, she burst out laughing at three familiar figures sitting awkwardly on a bench clearly meant for two people. Irvine, Zell and Quistis all stood up immediately when they spotted her, with Irvine having quite the apologetic look on his face.

''I'm so sorry Rin, I told everyone Squall had come to, and that you'd give us updates but these two would have none of it, just had to rush straight here.'' He explained, removing his signature hat and scratching his head in annoyance.

Zell gave him an exasperated look. ''You're here too! Besides, what did you expect!? We've been twiddling our thumbs for days and worrying about Squall, of course we couldn't wait!''

Quistis simply smiled and pointed her thumb at Zell in a show of agreement.

Rinoa giggled, ''It's no big deal Irvine, really. I'm glad you're all- wait, where's Seph?''

''She's the only one who listened, actually.'' Irvine gave pointed looks at the two SeeDs before redirecting his attention to Rinoa. ''And I think she's in a meeting right now, organizing the big party.''

''The what now?'' Rinoa raised an eyebrow.

''She's been planning a big party ever since the headmaster gave us time off for the foreseeable future. To celebrate the defeat of Adel and Ultimecia. She just couldn't sit still so she started doing what she does best, instead of moping around like us I guess. Really wanted it to be ready when Squall got better.''

''I wasn't moping around... I was training.'' Zell grumbled.

Quistis tilted her head and frowned, her voice oozing skepticism, ''You were somehow doing both at once, believe me.''

''Anyways, I don't know how she does it,'' Irvine interrupted, ''She's the only one of us who was just... never worried for Squall. From the beginning she was absolutely certain he'd pull through. She was the one cheering us all up between banquet preparations and flower arrangement purchases all week. When I told her about him earlier today she just went 'Woo hoo! Let me know when he wants to interact with civilization again, I'm gonna give him the crushiest hug, he better be ready!' and ran off skipping.''

Rinoa's heart swelled with love for her friend. She would definitely have to give her the crushiest hug too when she could finally get a hold of her.

''No way! She's unstoppable. This party's going to feel so nostalgic for me, considering...'' Rinoa trailed off, fondly remembering the very first time she had met Squall, on a completely spur-of-the-moment decision to just walk up to him and demand a dance.

''Speaking of, where's he?'' Zell asked, abruptly cutting off Rinoa's day dream.

''Oh, he had to stay for a while still. Dr Kadowaki wanted to run a few tests before giving him the all clear. I think it's gonna be a few hours more, unfortunately. She uh, showed me the door, basically. Told me to get some real sleep.''

Irvine threw his arms up in a gesture of petty vindication. ''See!? I told you it was useless waiting here!''

Zell groaned dramatically and Quistis crossed her arms, sighing, ''Okay, okay, you were right. I'm going to grab a bite then. I'm just glad to know he's really okay. Keep us informed, Rin.'' She said as she walked past the sorceress, briefly putting a hand on her shoulder. Rinoa nodded enthusiastically.

''I'm coming with!'' Zell announced as he followed her down the hall.

Until now the prospect of sleeping had been tempting but the mention of food reminded Rinoa that she hadn't had a chance to eat anything since the night before. A fact that her stomach decided to alert her of by way of growling loudly. Irvine chuckled and from his coat pocket produced a small paper bag containing the muffin Rinoa had unceremoniously left on his tray earlier.

''My good lady hungers I see, so I shall provide!'' He announced with a ridiculous accent.

''Such a gentleman. Thank you kindly!'' Rinoa giggled, taking the bag from his hand.

''I know, I'm a catch.'' He wiggled his eyebrows comically. ''Have a nice nap, now.''

As Rinoa walked toward the dorms, heart full and mind at ease, she couldn't see how this day could get any better.

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Squall was walking briskly, purposefully. He was trying to avoid the stares of students, SeeDs and faculty members alike in the halls. Some of them called out to him in relief or surprise; he ignored them, walked past their confused faces without slowing down. He was making his way to the headmaster's office as quickly as possible, trying to draw as little attention to himself as he did so.

Which proved even tougher than he had already anticipated; being commander of Balamb Garden and apparently acclaimed hero did little for him to go unnoticed just about anywhere, he was loathe to admit. He realized with annoyance that he must have been quite the talk of the campus these last few days. As for the stunt he was pulling right now, he'd probably still be for quite a few more.

(Whatever. Let them talk. I don't care. I need answers and I won't be waiting any longer.)

He also wondered just how much the student body knew about what they went through, what he went through... and the state he had been found in. Another reason to hurry, he hated not being up to date, particularly on matters involving himself. He hoped Cid hadn't disclosed too much but knowing him... Squall was already in damage control mode.

As he punched the elevator button with his thumb, he let out a short sigh of relief when the doors finally slid shut. He was especially grateful he did not run into anyone significant. Thinking he should be in the clear now, he crossed his arms to fend off a chill, feeling oddly exposed without his jacket. He was glad that he at least had a pair of pants and a shirt at the infirmary, and he wondered if Rinoa was to thank for that.

(Rinoa... I'm sorry. I have to do this right now. I hope you'll understand.)

He thought about reaching out to her, but ultimately decided against it, even going as far as shielding himself a bit more than was usual from their bond. He felt awful about it though; as if he was purposefully hiding something shameful from her.

Which wasn't that far from the truth, he realized bitterly.

The elevator door slid open and Squall stepped on the third floor, footsteps muffled on the lush carpet as he made his way to the headmaster's new office space since Garden had become mobile. At the large wooden desk next to the office doors sat Xu, who looked up from a paper she was reading then did a double take; her eyebrows shooting up in disbelief.

(Shit.)

''Squ-- Commander?'' She caught herself, and Squall wished, not for the first time, that she'd stop calling him that. She was older and had been a SeeD longer than he and it all just felt wrong to suddenly be her superior. To be all of their superior, actually. Cid had mentioned that most SeeDs considered him a good leader and looked up to him, though Squall could not fathom why, when he had done nothing to be the recipient of such praise.

But now was not the time. He had other, more pressing things to worry about. Namely, getting past a bewildered Xu standing between him and Cid's office.

''Is the Headmaster in?'' Squall asked in his best Commander voice without ever breaking his stride. He figured taking advantage of her shock was the best course of action to take.

The older brunette frowned and followed him with her eyes like she was seeing a ghost. Squall supposed he did not look very healthy. ''Y-yes, but he's--''

''Thank you.'' Squall interrupted curtly as he grabbed one of the ornate door handles, but then he hesitated, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, and cleared his throat. ''...You've been an invaluable help since my... promotion. I was so overwhelmed. And I knew I could count on you to run things smoothly while we were dealing with Ultimecia. I don't think I've ever been appreciative before and I apologize. Thank you, Xu.'' He added, somewhat quickly, never turning around to face her and missing the look of absolute stupefaction on her face.

And then Xu was alone.

''What in Hyne's name just happened.'' She whispered to herself, baffled.

-------------------------------------------

Conversation stopped as soon as Squall set foot in the large rectangular room and he immediately noticed Nida, who seemed to be in the middle of some kind of briefing with the headmaster. Surprise painted both of their features for a moment as their eyes settled on Squall, but Cid then stood up from his desk to make his way toward him, Nida following a second later.

''Squall! I did not expect to see you so soon!'' The Headmaster exclaimed with a warm smile.

Something snapped in Squall's mind then, and quite unexpectedly.

He'd been angry. Furious, even. He'd come here as soon as he could stand on his own again to get answers about his life; the path he had been led to and put on without a say. And he intended to get them by having a deep long talk with Cid and Edea. But looking at the old man now he was reminded of the day he was promoted to commander; how Cid had declared, so assuredly and quite on-the-spot, that it was his destiny to lead, to kill the sorceress. Deep down, buried under confusion and anger and outrage, he knew it was his own fault for the way his life had turned out. His blunder had set everything on this weird alternate path where he seemingly had no agency whatsoever. He was also aware that he'd probably never really know the true scope of the damage; and that certainly did nothing to assuage his rage. Yet finally seeing the headmaster, after everything that had happened... Squall was suddenly awash with such white-hot anger he momentarily lost all sense of rationality. Like a bottle under too much pressure, its cork finally popping violently. In that moment of unfounded, immature indignation, all he could see before him was who seemed to be the sole person responsible for all his problems, everything he had had no control over.

And, ironically for the present situation, having no control was something Squall absolutely despised.

It all happened very fast.

Nida must have sensed the imminent danger in the way the commander was silently, stiffly making his way to the Headmaster, the latter of whom could only look confused upon seeing Squall's arm cock back for a hit. With a shout and a lightning-fast stride, Nida was between them, deviating a powerful punch from Squall with a practiced wrist-grab and shove that had him stumbling a few steps to his right.

Now Squall was pissed and humiliated. The baleful stare he fixed Nida with had him re-considering his life choices. Squall Leonhart was definitely not someone you wanted to be on the wrong side of, and well, he was his superior. Yet Cid also was, so what was he supposed to do?

He decided he had to stand his ground but also try to defuse the situation, because he did not wish to fight Squall. At all. Squall had always been known for being the top of his class in any fighting courses, and though he always fought fair and honorably while sparring, he was still brutally efficient and notably gifted in strength, cunning, and speed despite his heavy weapon of choice. In fact, the only person who could measure up to him somewhat consistently had been Seifer. No, Nida knew his odds and wasn't a fool.

''What the fuck Leonhart!? Are you out of your goddamn mind??'' He shouted and immediately berated himself for being, in fact, a fool.

That had come out maybe a tad bit stronger than he'd wanted. He would put the blame on the adrenaline pumping through his veins but he was still genuinely appalled at his own boldness. He realized that if his commander decided to retaliate he was in deep, deep trouble.

Surprisingly, Squall's stance softened a little and he straightened up, apparently shocked out of his aggressive state by Nida's decidedly out-of-character outburst. Cid leaned on the back of one of the chairs in front of his desk, catching his breath for a moment.

''It's okay, Nida! Settle down you two, please.'' He swallowed audibly and sighed, looking at Squall. ''It's a good thing you haven't run into my wife first, I suppose.'' He muttered under his breath with a nervous chuckle. Regaining composure, he then turned to face Squall head-on.

''I understand we are long overdue for a serious conversation, you and I.'' He paused, adjusting his glasses. ''If you're done acting like a child.'' He added sternly.

Squall held his stare defiantly for a moment despite his ears reddening in shame. But then with a deep inhale he lowered his eyes. This was not his proudest moment by any means; he had completely lost control. As a SeeD, this was unacceptable, and toward his Headmaster no less. This was serious grounds for getting court-martialed and facing destitution and possible expulsion. The gravity of the situation sat in his stomach like a lead ball. Balamb Garden was his career, his life, his home. In a matter of minutes he had messed everything up.

(What is wrong with me? Although... would that be so bad? Do I even want to go on as Garden's commander? I never even wanted the damn position in the first place... I wasn't given a choice. I was never given a choice! Do I want to go on as a SeeD now, trained and training others to fight and eliminate sorceresses!?)

Turning to Nida, the headmaster cleared his throat. ''You are dismissed for now, Nida, thank you.''

''...Sir?'' The young SeeD's worried eyes kept glancing in Squall's direction, who seemed either deep in thought or fascinated by something on the floor. Cid blinked slowly and gave a single nod as an answer to Nida's unspoken question. The latter hesitated a second more, visibly puzzled by both his commander and headmaster's actions, but then performed the SeeD salute before leaving and instinctively giving Squall a wide berth on his way out.

The silence that settled in the room when the door finally shut was both heavy and charged with tension.

Cid made his way behind his desk and sat, motioning the seat in front of him for Squall to do the same. ''Come now, we've got a lot to discuss.''

''...Am I not to be arrested?'' Squall asked cautiously, still not moving from his spot.

''Do you think you should be?''

''For assaulting my superior? Yes.''

Always a stickler for rules, Cid thought. ''It's a good thing you didn't, then.'' He gave him a meaningful look over his glasses. ''And you have Nida to thank for that.'' He added emphatically.

Cid knew it didn't work like that, not normally anyways. Squall was right about the military law and he should have serious sanctions even if he did not actually punch him. But as always, the old headmaster had trouble seeing himself as anything other than a father figure and could not contemplate the possibility of expelling Squall, much less arresting him with criminal charges. He's had to make difficult decisions in the past concerning students, cadets, and even SeeDs, it was true...

...but with Squall, everything was different. Who could blame the way he felt right now, considering? Cid was suddenly hit with the very sobering realization that this young man, this teenager, who had gone through so much, had so much put on his shoulders, yet excelled and exceeded expectations and had been generally exemplary was still just that... a teenager.

With Squall, it was often easy to forget. The boy really was a prodigy.

Squall opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind and closed it, his brow furrowed in apparent confusion. Cid had to chuckle inwardly; deviating from the rules always had Squall annoyed, even when he was the one shown leniency.

''Where to start? I can only guess everything is mostly clear to you now... but that you still have questions. I understand your anger towards me, towards Edea. And I'm sorry for everything we had to put you through... As empty as this apology sounds, it is still genuine. We had no choice--''

''Who created SeeD and Garden?'' Squall interrupted suddenly, uninterested in the older man's plea for forgiveness.

Cid frowned. ''Well, you did.''

Squall's fingers gripped the armrests tighter, but he remained otherwise stolid. Only his voice betrayed the frustration he was hardly keeping at bay. ''No. I did not. And you did not either. I knew of it because of you, because of my life here, yet you... you learned it from Edea, who learned it from me and it all... it all loops back on itself and it's a goddamn catch-22. So let's try that again: who created SeeD and Garden first?'' Squall enunciated the last words slowly through gritted teeth.

Cid leaned back in his chair and sighed. He knew it was pointless to try and play dumb. Squall was too clever for that; of course he'd already given thought to all the implications of his short time-travel stunt. It was better to be truthful then, and he owed it to Squall, even if he didn't have any clear answers for him. ''I don't know. I don't think we'll ever be able to know. Time is... I don't believe we'll ever be meant to understand the true scope and meaning of time... under which rules it operates, if any. I suppose it is best left to the gods, if there are even any. We could argue that Ultimecia tried, and well, she was a formidably powerful sorceress... yet look what that got her in the end. Madness.''

Squall's shoulders dropped slightly. He hadn't expected the headmaster to give him a clear answer, not really, but he was still disappointed. The old man was as lost as he was in all of this. The thought was alarming and bizarrely comforting in equal parts.

''So all of this-- All of... Garden, and SeeDs and-- all of this has been brought about... for me?'' Squall hated the way his voice faltered, how he stumbled over his words, how stupid his question sounded despite him already knowing the answer.

''We had to work with what little you'd told Edea but essentially... yes. The second you left her at the orphanage, Edea knew we had to work fast. This prompted many a discussion on fate and destiny. What would happen if we did nothing? If we continued running the orphanage and raised you normally? Would the outcome change? Would Ultimecia achieve her goal? Or not at all since the outcome had already been established?'' Cid explained, resting his elbows on his desk and clasping his hands together, fidgeting with his wedding band. ''We couldn't know. So we decided, ultimately, not to take any chances. The fate of all existence weighted on our decision. We'd build Garden, establish SeeD, guide you to it, push you toward being the person she saw that day. Carefully. Every decision bringing its share of second-guesses and worries; were we doing the right thing? Was that the right choice to make? Would that ruin it all? It was... nerve-racking, to say the least. And it broke our hearts...'' He looked at Squall straight in the eye then, imploring him to understand. ''...But what else could we do?'' He added quietly.

Squall's mind was reeling in shock. He had suspected all of this already, but to have it be confirmed as true was another thing entirely. He supposed some small, stupid part of his brain still held on to the denial like a lifeline, but there was no doubt here; he had really been essentially manipulated, all of his life, to achieve this specific outcome. And he did understand; but that did not make it right. Suddenly feeling nauseous, he leaned his forehead into his hand, his elbow resting on the chair's armrest. His fingers were ice-cold and numb.

''As... as far as I know, through Ellone... the past cannot be changed. Hyne knows she tried, hell, I even tried when Rinoa was...'' Squall trailed off for a moment, then cleared his throat to get his thoughts back in order. ''My point is: it can't be done. Ultimecia was from the future, that much we're certain. So... her past is... was my future. What I've come to realize is... she couldn't change her past, hence my future could not have happened in any other way.'' He swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. Again, it was one thing to ponder all of these things and another entirely to voice them aloud, as if it could not be real until it escaped his lips. ''So that's-- that's the whole thing, isn't it? The way I see it: nothing can be changed. Everything is... everything is set in stone? Fuck, is there is no free will in this universe at all? Was Time Compression Ultimecia's deus ex machina? Her drastic, last-ditch attempt to try and control her own fate because she knew it was all fucking pointless otherwise!?'' He was angry again, angry and confused and he didn't feel like dealing with more existential dread than what was already usual for him.

''Hold on, you're omitting something important. What Miss Ellone does is view the past. Through someone else's eyes that was there. One cannot interact with memories. That's entirely different than what happened to you in Time Compression, isn't it? I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss free will as plausible. Maybe it's not a case of either predeterminism or chaos at all, but some kind of paradoxical mix of the two.''

''How could that-- you've lost me.'' Squall shrugged, the drain apparent in his body language and tone.

''I'm suggesting that perhaps there is a small component of fate in all of this. Certain events, maybe, are written, though how one gets to them is entirely up to them. It certainly seemed that way with how fast Balamb Garden was established. Everything more or less clicked into place. Then Galbadia and Trabia... we just rolled with it. And most notable was when, inexplicably and without any interference from us, Zell, Quistis, then Selphie and Irvine... even Seifer... all slowly found their way back together with you through the course of this insane endeavor. As if all of your lives were linked somehow, even though you were separated for so long, even though you mostly did not remember. Mere coincidence or synchronicity? Either way, it bolstered our confidence; operation ''Child of Fate'' became operation ''Children of Fate'', and we hoped that maybe, just maybe we were doing everything right.''

There was a long pause where neither of them said anything, Cid giving Squall time to process and Squall sorting the multitude of questions he still had, his face a mask of stone. Cid had a fleeting thought that he was actually less worried when Squall was outwardly angry- his current impassive expression was unsettling in the face of such revelations. He feared another outburst, as Squall's temper could be remarkably explosive when pushed or cornered too much.

''The Guardians?'' He asked simply, voice monotone and completely devoid of his earlier indignation, Cid knew exactly what he meant.

''Yes... Another rather fortuitous occurrence. Edea and I were wondering how to make you forget about your... unusual meeting. We thought it best if you didn't have any knowledge of our plan. At first we simply denied all the questions you asked --and you had a lot, you wouldn't let the subject drop, as if you knew something was wrong somehow-- but then, well, Balamb Garden was up and running, Guardian use became the norm, and with them both immense power and, yes, significant long-term memory loss.''

Squall slumped a little against the back of the chair, staring off into the distance. ''I see.'' He said, barely audible. He wasn't exactly surprised but he sure hated being right sometimes. He did remember now, if only vaguely, as much as once can recall their four year old day-to-day life. Being brought back had undone the Guardians' damage to his memories, but he still found them strangely foreign, bizarrely remote. As if they were a movie he once watched and not quite his own.

''Squall,'' The Headmaster hesitated a second before rummaging in his desk's topmost drawer. ''While you're here, I must request a report about what exactly happened to you in Time Compression. We can't wait too long, it has to be fresh in your memory.'' He finally produced a small recorder, setting it between them on the polished desktop.

That sentence and the sight of the recorder brought Squall crashing back into the present moment. His eyes locked straight onto Cid's and did not waver.

''No.'' He replied dryly, maybe a bit louder than he'd intended.

(Fresh in my memory? ...Contender for biggest understatement right there.)

If he could help it, he'd never have to think or speak about any of what happened there ever again. If there was one thing he'd like the Guardians to help him forget; this was it. On the contrary now; he remembered everything. But he'd had enough reminders from the countless nightmares he experienced every time he fell asleep than to re-live those memories by explaining them in detail.

Besides, he couldn't bear to admit verbally that this was all his fault. That he messed up going back and ruined everything.

''I'm afraid that's a direct order.'' Cid held his stare, apologetic but firm, which only enraged Squall.

Standing up suddenly, he started pacing behind his chair anxiously, unable to remain sitting still yet incapable of just leaving. His military upbringing and stellar obedience to authority so ingrained in him that even now he was loathe to deviate from them, to disappoint. With a frustrated grunt, he ran both his hands through his hair nervously.

''Haven't you... fucking asked enough of me already?'' He growled in barely checked anger, surprised at his own rashness but also strangely not caring anymore. Deflecting.

''Everyone else had to do it. You know it is protocol, just like any other mission you undertake as a SeeD.'' The headmaster explained calmly.

(Everyone else?... Rinoa?)

Squall stopped in his tracks and scoffed. ''But this was far beyond the scope of 'any other mission', now was it?''

''Actually, not at all. You know, now more than anyone, that it was SeeD's raison d'être.'' Cid countered easily, and Squall had to begrudgingly admit that he was right. He wasn't thinking rationally, his brain felt fried and he had the childish urge to just take off somewhere far from here. It seemed already so long ago that he'd stormed in here with all the indignation and confidence in the world.

''Then use the others' testimonies in the official report!'' He suggested, his voice rising. He was grasping at straws now, being unreasonable and he knew it, but he also felt extraordinarily self-destructive.

''You know damn well yours is the one that matters most.'' Cid was slowly starting to lose his patience, his voice rising to match Squall's. ''You're testing the limits of my leniency even as commander of this Garden, Squall Leonhart. I strongly suggest you sort yourself out and get a grip.''

''Or what?'' Squall retorted, turning sharply to face the headmaster and throwing his hands up in exasperation. ''What more could you possibly take from me!?''

Cid stood abruptly from his chair, hands slamming on his desk as he leaned toward Squall in a rare show of fury.

''Do you think you're the only victim here!? My whole damn life has been upended by this too! And my wife's! I am not a military man, I was happy running an orphanage with her quietly in some forgotten little corner of the world near the ocean! But we had to step up! The alternative was losing everything! So yes, I truly am sorry for what we've put you through, and I know apologizing for this insane thing will never be enough, but I won't let you put the entire blame on us for something that we were pulled into unwillingly. Because whatever we did or did not do, we were damned, her and I. The minute we knew. There was no good, moral choice here, at all, for us. So sit. down. boy. I am not done with this meeting.''

And Squall did. Silently. Ears hot and eyes avoidant, stiffly straight on the edge of his seat. Cid cleared his throat nervously, somewhat embarrassed by his outburst and also slowly sat back down.

''So, let's try that again.'' He started, taking back Squall's earlier brash words as he pressed a button on the small black recorder. ''Balamb Garden Commander Squall Leonhart, ID number 41269, please report what happened to you in Time Compression following the defeat of Sorceress Ultimecia.''

Trapped. Stuck. Squall's whole stiff facade crumbled; his shoulders and back slumped in defeat, his eyebrows slanted in worry; a rare show of vulnerability. He breathed a deep sigh of resignation, unsure where to even start.

The headmaster's eyes softened at the sight. Just a teenager, he reminded himself again. A teenager that had been put through something simply unfathomable. ''Take your time. I'm aware these are difficult events to make sense of. Speak freely.'' He coaxed gently.

''The... world, or whatever was left of it at that time, went completely black and empty. I couldn't see anything. I heard Rinoa's voice, I mean, in my mind--'' Squall shot a quick look at Cid, unsure if he should elaborate further on that subject, but the Headmaster nodded knowingly, prompting him to continue. ''...I couldn't answer, something was blocking the bond on my side. I pictured the orphanage, where we were all supposed to go. I... I swear I thought of being there with her, with everyone... but instead I came face to face with... me. As a child. It was summer, not spring. The orphanage was intact and Ma-- Edea was standing there. It-- I--''

Squall rubbed his eyes and forehead in a useless attempt to help him think clearly. ''I have memories from both sides of me simultaneously and it's... it's so damn weird and jarring--''

''No need to focus on that. Now, Ultimecia appeared to you both then, correct?''

''Affirmative, sir. She appeared to us as her initial human form, but she seemed gravely wounded and delirious.'' Squall hadn't even noticed how he had suddenly switched to formal military speak, despite Cid's order to explain in his own words. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism, a way for him to re-live these events without them harming him. By recounting them clinically, detachedly, it almost seemed like they happened to someone else.

''Did she speak to you before Edea claimed her powers?''

Squall's brow furrowed as he suddenly remembered that, yes, she did speak. To him, specifically.

''She said she'd come to make good on her promise.'' He answered quietly, already lost in his own thoughts on the possible meaning of her statement.

He hadn't thought much of it at the time; just another empty threat from an enemy he had faced and he was used to those, but now he let himself wonder...

(Could she have...?)

''What promise was she speaking of?'' Cid asked, leaning forward on his desk toward Squall.

''She assured me she would... break and destroy me. Until nothing remained of me but an empty shell.''

(Was she really the one who sent me into that desert to waste away and die?)

Cid leaned back in his chair, his eyes never leaving Squall's. ''Go on.''

''Edea attempted to send me back, but I ended up in the same black void I was in earlier again. I lost consciousness at some point, and woke up in a seemingly endless expanse of arid desert.''

''This is where Rinoa eventually found your body, is it not?''

''...Affirmative.'' He hid the surprise in his voice well.

(So they interrogated Rinoa too. It makes sense but... what has she told him? How thorough has she been in that report?)

He couldn't help being anxious about others knowing of his breakdown. He felt guilty and ashamed enough as it was toward Rinoa, in spite of her assurances that he had nothing to feel sorry for. He trusted her judgment but... well, he was still worried.

''Tell me more about this place.''

Squall shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his lips tightening into a line as he struggled to find words for a second. ''There isn't much to say. It was completely devoid of anything notable. Just blowing sand, a grey stormy sky, a stifling heat. Empty. I felt... heavier, it was tiring to just walk. No signs of any life whatsoever, except--''

(Her laughter.)

He noticed Cid looking at him expectantly, and resumed talking.

''Ultimecia's laughter. Almost out of earshot, on the wind. I did not give much thought to it then, I thought I was being paranoid and hearing things, but maybe it was significant.''

Cid lowered his gaze, frowning and seemingly deep in thought behind his clasped hands. Somehow, for once, the silence that hung in the room unnerved Squall. He shifted in his seat again, restless. Maybe it was because he knew the hardest part was coming. Better to get it over with once and for all, he thought.

''I can't give a proper estimate of the amount of time that passed. There was no day or night. Nothing changed. And my perception of time seemed... skewed.''

''How so?''

''It felt like I'd been walking for literal years. I knew I'd die of exposure; it was only a matter of when. Then I... I started... actively forgetting things. People. Events. I was aware of the holes in my memory but couldn't even begin to recall what had been there before. I tried to remember Rinoa specifically, and to contact her. The more I... the more I tried to the more she slipped away. I tried to... I got lost in--''

The formal military facade was quickly breaking down. He could feel his heart like a hard lump in his throat, its beat quickening alarmingly and choking him. His breathing became at once deep and erratic, and he hid the trembling of his hands by balling his fists on his lap. There was concern etched on Cid's features, but as he was about to speak Squall continued.

''I forgot my own name, who I was. I must have been actively delirious by then, or dying, or both. But then I saw... no, I-- I experienced... deaths. Thousands, millions of different scenarios where I die, where Rinoa dies, with the feeling that I've... been through this. A weird familiar feeling. I can't explain it. Different choices that led me to different outcomes but-- but in each one... I-- I died.'' He paused to take in a shallow breath. ''And it's-- it's all my fucking fault!'' He blurted out.

''Squall--''

''I messed everything up! None of this would have happened if I had gone back to the correct time! But... was it even possible? Was I doomed? From the moment I was born I set... all of this... in motion. So many lives... changed. Lost. Because of me.''

Beads of sweat were running down his back, yet Squall was freezing, visibly trembling now. Hyperventilating. Spots danced on the edge of his vision and he clutched his chest in a desperate attempt to still his heart. ''Something's... wrong with me, I can't--'' His own voice was muffled; distant, like his ears were stuffed with cotton wool. Just when he started slumping in his chair, Cid was suddenly beside him, a hand gripping his shoulder to keep him upright.

''Head between your knees. Breathe from your abdomen. In through the nose, out through the mouth.'' He ordered and Squall, groaning from the nausea and on the verge of passing out, could only follow. ''You're okay, you're panicking, but it will pass. Breathe. Deeper.''

It took a long moment, but in time Squall could get his breathing under control, and when he finally leaned back again he was relieved to find the room had stopped spinning. Cid walked back to his desk, grabbing the recorder on his way. The clicking noise of the stop button sounded deafening in the silence.

(So this is a panic attack I guess. How utterly embarrassing...)

There was a light prod against his mind. A questioning touch, without clear words. Concern, worry.

(Rinoa... Shit, I let my guard down, she must have sensed...)

''I believe that's quite enough. Thank you, and I apologize for making you go through this again.'' Cid spoke softly, putting the recorder away in one of his desk drawers.

Squall nodded absent-mindedly, still debating if he should contact Rinoa through their bond now or not. He'd hate for her to worry, especially now that she knew something had happened to him. But he wasn't done here either, he still had questions. Questions regarding her, as it were.

''If I can offer my honest opinion... I really don't believe you are to blame, Squall.''

Squall's eyes snapped back to the headmaster's when he spoke, all thoughts of Rinoa momentarily out of his mind as confusion etched itself on his brow. ''Why?''

''Being stuck alone in the void then thrust backwards more than a decade earlier... I don't think this is something you would've been able to do on your own, consciously or not. This feels like magic to me. Powerful time-space magic; something Ultimecia would be able to do. Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine and Miss Heartilly... they were all together and they just... went back. From what they told me, they had no conscious action to take; it just happened. Quistis said that it felt like time was simply righting itself. Like there had been a rubber band around her waist that had been stretched too taut and she was just yanked back to her starting position, where she should be.''

Squall had to admit that the hints were there. Ultimecia's promise, her presence at the orphanage, the laughter... And now the others' experiences? He had to give credence to the possibility that it could actually have been her... or at least a remnant of her; her power, her magic. A spell, a curse she had put on him with her dying breath, sending him to that place. Could it be? Was it just wishful thinking? But something didn't sit right with him still.

''But then she would have willingly set in motion the chain of events that would ultimately kill her?''

Cid sighed and gave a light shrug. ''Maybe she did not know. Maybe this was her one last desperate attempt at mastering her own fate. How cruelly ironic would that be... I don't think we'll ever truly know. What I do think is that it is well within the realm of possibility that she's the one to blame for all of this, and not you. And that, despite everything, it is still impossible for us to know for sure how much agency we have -or don't have- over our own destinies. I'd like for you to try and hold on to that. Because restlessly trying to untangle all this will keep you up at night and poison everything in your life. Believe me.'' He raised his eyebrows, giving Squall a serious look over the rim of his glasses.

(Yeah. Sure. At this point, whatever.)

''I'll... try.'' He was so tired. The panic attack having depleted much of what scarce energy he had left the infirmary with, he had to conclude that he was still far from recovered from his ordeal. There also seemed to be a heavy fog in his mind that just stifled every thought.

''Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?'' The older man gave a sympathetic smile.

Squall closed his eyes for a second, taking another deep breath to steel his resolve before asking;

''What about Rinoa in all of this?''

He did not miss the disconcerted expression on Cid's face before he quickly masked it.

(This is going to be another unpleasant conversation, isn't it.)

''I didn't know she would become this entangled with you following your first SeeD mission. And when you went to Dollet for the... assassination mission and it turned out that General Caraway was her father... I was terrified I'd messed up. She was an outsider, not part of the 'Children of Fate'... too much of a wildcard.''

Squall did not like his tone, but he clenched his jaw to keep from interrupting and saying something else he'd regret today.

''I have to admit I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time either, considering I'd just recently learned my wife, who had disappeared, was now seemingly trying to take over a nation. Never in a hundred years could I have guessed that she was being possessed by Ultimecia herself at this time. Then, in an incredibly unfortunate turn of events you seeked asylum in Galbadia Garden and got embroiled in Headmaster Martine's scheme to have Edea assassinated by false orders from Balamb, and when the mission failed, not for lack of trying, and you all ended up in the D-District Prison... I was conveniently contacted by General Caraway. General Caraway wanted to contract Kinneas to bring his daughter back to him. He was very persuasive. But it... suited my needs. Miss Heartilly was definitely a distraction and I was so scared she'd inadvertently put a wrench in the whole plan. If she was out of your life, I could then focus on getting all of you out, and pick up the pieces of this plan, alone, and try to get everything back on track.''

The headmaster gave a humorless chuckle.

''Fate had other plans, it seemed. Irvine failed... or disobeyed. And back she was with you.''

(It was a bit of both.)

Squall had seen what had actually happened, when he had begged Ellone to send him in Rinoa's past to try and change it. It was a rather fond memory now, even if it technically wasn't his. Even back then, knowing so little about him; she had refused to give up on him. And Squall had to admit that in retrospect, seeing Irvine crash down a flight of stairs after a well-placed kick from Rinoa had been one of the funniest things he'd ever seen.

When Squall realized Cid had seemingly finished talking and would not continue, a trickle of anxiety settled in his stomach.

''...And?''

''And that's it.''

Something wasn't right. There was no way he would let the problem drop after such a feeble attempt at resolving it. There was something he wasn't telling him and Squall hoped to Hyne it wasn't what he dreaded.

''What was the backup plan?''

''There was none.''

''There are always backup plans. This is SeeD. What was the backup plan?'' He asked, apprehension evident in his voice.

Silence.

Squall was gripping the armrests so hard that they cracked and broke off from the chair before clattering to the floor, the sound of wood splitting like a thunderclap startling the headmaster. The older man was aware of the extra power the knight before him wielded, yet looking at the state of those wood pieces, and considering that Squall was far from being at the top of his health right now... The display was impressive, to say the least. And it also spoke of the monumental scale of Rinoa's powers as a sorceress. Cid had benefited from such boons when he himself had been Edea's knight.

But never to that extent.

''Cid.'' Squall spat venomously to get the headmaster's attention again. He hadn't even noticed he'd used his superior's first name. He'd never, ever done that before. ''What. was. the backup. plan?'' He asked again, enunciating each word slowly, voice low and trembling with barely-contained anger. The air in the office felt charged, dangerous. Squall's whole body was perfectly still, like a tightly coiled spring, ready to explode in an instant.

The end justified the means. It was a common saying in SeeD. Squall understood why, even more so following today's revelations. No matter what it took, no matter the casualties; innocent or not... Ultimecia had to be stopped. And if someone stood in the way of that, deliberately or not, well...

It was a logical conclusion to come to, considering everything that had been at stake. And somewhere deep in his rational mind, Squall knew from a military perspective that it was an effective, albeit absolutely ruthless, alternative to take. But as always, when it came to her... there was just no bargaining for reason. A memory, seemingly inconsequential then but making absolute sense now, came bubbling up to the surface of his mind, making it all click into place even further; Cid has asked him, back when Rinoa was in a coma, if she had actually died. The tone had been... off, strange, almost a bit... excited, a bit hopeful.

The look Cid was giving him told him everything he needed to know. And he really, really hated being right this time.

''You fucking--'' Squall roared, leaping forward incredibly fast toward the terrified headmaster, shoving the ruined chair backwards.

''Listen to me! I couldn't do it!'' Cid shrieked. ''There have been extremely difficult decisions I had to take running this Garden, but killing an innocent civilian? Over a possibility? I'm not a monster!'' He spoke quickly, hands forward in a placating motion as he also stood, taking two steps back and almost stumbling on his office chair.

Hearing him actually say it somehow only enraged Squall more. But then;

''Squall?''

That voice belonged to the only person able to make him stop dead in his tracks with one single utterance of his name.

Rinoa.

He turned to face her, his murderous rage all but evaporated when he perceived the sadness, confusion and hurt in her eyes.

He noticed Xu next, not far behind her.

''I'm so sorry, I kept telling her people can't just barge in here--'' She started, stopping herself when she became aware of the charged tension in the room, catching sight of the deer-in-headlights look of both her commander and headmaster. Lastly she noticed the upended chair, laying partly destroyed on the floor. ''...Is everything okay, sir?'' She asked tentatively. Seeing Nida leave hurriedly earlier without even speaking with her had been extremely strange, in retrospect.

Cid put a hand on his chest and breathed a sigh of relief. ''Yes, yes. It's alright. Commander Leonhart and I were just having a discussion, and--''

Cid went on but Squall wasn't listening. His eyes were locked with Rinoa's and nothing else seemed to exist but the both of them at that moment. There was a hardness to the set of her mouth that he hated to see directed at him.

He knew he should apologize. He wanted to, but struggled to find the right words, as always. Besides, he didn't want to do it here, this was definitely not the time. He'd explain, and hopefully she would understand and not be angry. Especially since there were things he simply could not explain to her. He just hoped he wouldn't make things worse, as he was wont to do in these types of situation.

Are you okay?

The question took him by surprise, so certain was he that she'd be mad, first and foremost. He opened himself back up to their bond and was taken aback by the intensity of her concern for him. She was upset and disappointed, to be sure, but above all worried and afraid.

You scared me so much earlier... I thought your heart would stop.

Some emotions, particularly strong ones, just could not be hidden from their connection, no matter how carefully one shielded against it. And so she avoided speaking of the frightening, violent rage she had felt from him afterwards, while on her way to his location. A feeling so entirely consuming and blinding that she had never experienced before at this level, and did not wish to ever again. It had apparently been directed at Headmaster Cid, and she truly feared what could have happened had she not stormed into his office just then.

I will explain.

Yes, you will.

Squall winced imperceptibly. She was... a little bit angry with him after all, he concluded glumly.

''Commander Leonhart?'' Cid's voice brought him back to the present moment, and he turned towards his superior stiffly. ''You have the rest of the week off until our scheduled meeting on Monday to reassess your health before moving forward. First thing tomorrow morning, you have an appointment with Dr. Kadowaki.'' He ordered, confidence back in his voice.

Squall sighed internally.

(For Hyne's sake, I just got out. There and back again.)

He realized everyone was looking at him expectantly, somewhat on edge, as if afraid he would go off again out of the blue. Understanding that the outcome of this particular situation depended on how he'd react next, Squall opted to give the SeeD salute and reply with a formal; ''Understood, sir.''

The charged tension in the room finally dissipated then. Cid raised his hand to touch Squall's arm in a comforting manner, but decided against it when Squall automatically tensed up.

''Take the time to heal and process, Squall.'' He said quietly instead with an apologetic smile.

(Incredible. This man has no sense of self-preservation whatsoever.)

Fortunately for the headmaster, Squall was exhausted, all of the day's events catching up to him at once. Besides, all the fight had left him when Rinoa had entered the room. He wondered if she had something to do with that somehow, but in the end he didn't care. Knowingly or not, she had probably prevented something that, while he didn't think right now that he'd later regret, would instead absolutely have made his life hell. For once the only thing he wanted to do was crash onto a bed, sink his face into a pillow and blink out of existence, preferably for eight to twelve hours.

It seemed Squall's vacant stare was all Cid could hope for as an answer. ''Dismissed, all of you. Thank you.'' He finished as everyone quietly filed out of his office.

As she watched Rinoa head for the elevator, with Squall half a step behind in cold silence, Xu could only wonder at what was going on between the two of them. She just could not fathom why, but she had a fleeting thought that she did not envy Squall right now.

-------------------------------------------

They were standing side by side when the elevator doors shut with a chiming sound and they began the short trip down to the ground floor. Slowly, Rinoa's hand found Squall's between them, her fingers intertwining with his tightly. He did not pull back from the gesture.

''Are you okay?'' She inquired again because he hadn't answered her yet, staring straight ahead at their faint reflections in the tinted glass.

Concern. Worry. Anxiety.

''Yeah, I am. Just tired.''

Those same emotions, coming off of her in stronger waves than before his reply. Squall gave a short sigh.

(Yeah, I'm not buying it either.)

The elevator doors slid open and Squall let go of Rinoa's hand. Walking together, and without ever speaking about it, they both made their way to Squall's dorm room.

''What happened to you earlier?'' She asked quietly. At this hour in the evening the halls were mostly deserted, but she, as well as him, didn't want to attract attention.

Panic attack.

Her brow furrowed in concern as her head snapped towards him. Squall was deliberately looking ahead and avoiding her gaze when they turned the corner into the dormitory hall. Rinoa had half a mind to ask him just what the hell had happened next but thought better of it. For now.

''Why?'' She felt too agitated and upset to speak to him through the bond.

''I had to present a report of what happened after I was separated from all of you in Time Compression.'' He explained in a monotone voice, almost detachedly, always looking ahead.

Rinoa's stomach dropped and she felt for her knight. She still didn't specifically know what he'd gone through but if the state he'd been in when she brought him back had been any indication, as well as what he'd said to her in a delirious panic... she could only guess it had been absolutely traumatic. And he was definitely dead when she had first found him. She couldn't imagine what dying and being brought back could have felt like. Thinking about this again reminded her of the chilling fact that she had brought someone back from the dead and a cold hand seemed to twist her insides painfully. She also found herself angry at Headmaster Cid once more; how could he put Squall through this so soon, when he'd been out of the infirmary for less than a day?

She tried to center herself, taking a short but deep breath, when Squall stopped in front of his room's door. Only then, patting his front and back pockets, did he realize he had nothing on him; no wallet, no gil, no keycard.

''Oh, here.'' Rinoa swiped the card in the reader and the door slid open, revealing a sleepy Angelo raising her head toward them from atop Squall's bed.

''Uh...?'' Was all Squall could muster, exhaustion and confusion fighting for dominance in his mind as Angelo jumped off the bed and trotted over to them happily.

''Mr Kramer gave it to me, until I have my own room.'' She explained as she handed him the keycard.

Squall's mind went blank and a wave of anxiety washed over him. It dawned on him, now of all moments, on the threshold of his room, that the mundanity of the situation terrified him; there was no immediate threat looming over them, no responsibilities or missions to look forward to until at least next week. No need to go and run and rush to the next place, the next venture. They had time now and while he had looked forward to this exact scenario, now that he was in it he found himself increasingly insecure. He was not used to quiet, peaceful downtime, in fact in the past he had tried to avoid it at all cost; to keep his mind occupied and his body moving constantly, lest he think too much.

But now, with Rinoa... what if, when the world was not on the brink of annihilation anymore, when all the dust had finally settled around them both, when he was not being Squall the Knight or Commander Leonhart but simply Squall Leonhart, she realized he just... wasn't enough?

''...Squall?''

Rinoa's voice and Angelo's wet nose pushing up in his palm prompted him to move, as he'd been standing in the doorway zoning out for decidedly too long. He went to sit down heavily on the edge of his bed, not bothering with turning on any light. Bracing his elbows on his knees, he rubbed his eyes and forehead forcefully when he felt rather than saw Rinoa standing in front of him.

''...I'm still mad though, you know.'' She pointed out, but there was no real bite to it, in fact there was a rather playful tone in her reprimand.

''I know.'' He sighed. He appreciated her effort to lighten the mood with the usual banter she used to purposefully annoy him with in the past, but he was just so tired. And sleep would have to wait. He wouldn't rest properly until this was sorted out anyway.

(Could this day get any worse?)

He let his hands hang limp between his knees, his gaze fixed on the tips of Rinoa's boots for a moment before meeting her expectant eyes. The sky outside his window was clear and the moon almost full; its soft light was framing her silhouette lovingly and bathing his room in an ethereal glow that seemed to mute their voices.

''There were some... things I had to clarify with the headmaster. Questions I had to ask him that simply could not wait.'' Squall offered cautiously.

''About what?'' She hadn't missed a beat.

''...Something that happened while I was... away.''

(Is that what I'm calling it now? Away? Really?)

''In that... desert place?''

''No, it was... I can't--'' He stuttered, unable to find a way to tell her without actually telling her. ''I can't be more specific Rinoa, and I'm sorry. But it was urgent that I speak with him as soon as I was able to.''
Rinoa crossed her arms, cocking her head to the side. ''You could have still warned me...'' She huffed.

''It really couldn't wait... and I didn't want you to worry.''

She had to scoff at that statement. ''That backfired on you spectacularly.''

Squall gave a humorless snort as a reply. She wasn't wrong. He had meant to tell her afterwards, not have her chase him in a panic because he seemingly could not get a handle on any of his emotions.

''You... you really can't tell me anything?'' Her tone softened when she realized he wasn't in a mood to banter back; not even for his habitual brand of dry humor.

''I'm sorry.'' He hated that it seemed to be the only thing he was able to say. He really was sorry, but he just wished it didn't have to be like this.

Frustration etched itself on the lines of her brow and she bit her tongue, trying her damnedest to be patient and understanding. ''When I was on my way to the headmaster's office, I felt such a sudden and violent wave of anger from you...'' If anything, she was determined to at least get an explanation for that. ''It frightened me so much. And it seemed like I... stopped something from happening. I feel foolish just saying this but it felt like you... you were ready to kill him, Squall.''

(As was he with you!)

But he couldn't say that.

If you knew, I'm not sure you would have stopped me.

It seemed he still had some sliver of anger left in him. Squall cursed inwardly; he had let that one slip through the cracks. Fatigue and strong emotions were working against him and he berated himself for his continued lack of self-control. It made him think though; was she safe here? It wouldn't be so easy now to make an attempt on her life; she was a sorceress, probably the most powerful recorded in recent history. And he was her knight; he would not let her out of his sight for too long.

What exactly was SeeD's goal now?

Another worry to add to his list.

''Tell me, then! I don't understand why this has to be so difficult!'' Rinoa shouted indignantly.

''I can't!'' He shouted back, raising his voice to match hers and finally straightening up, looking her in the eyes with an intensity that promised he wasn't budging on his decision.

''Don't you trust me? By now, after everything?'' She knew it was a low blow; and wasn't a fair thing to say the moment she'd said it. It was a combination of weariness and well-meaning concern that had her acting out rather immaturely right now, and it was evident they were both fraying at the edges. The naked truth was that she really did want to help, and was still unsure if this was a typical Squall I-refuse-to-depend-on-others situation or if he was actually serious about his need for secrecy for this.

''It's not--!'' Squall stopped himself, brought his voice back down to a lower level. Hyne knows he was trying not to be difficult right now. ''I didn't mean to let that thought slip between us; I'm sorry. It's not a question of trust Rinoa. It's protection. It's-- it's a fucking burden. It's a weight I don't wish to curse anyone with, least of all you.''

He wasn't being difficult, Rinoa realized. He was serious about this. She could feel it through him now that she gave herself the chance to calm down; apologetic but unwavering, torn but protective.

She visibly softened at the exhausted, pleading look he was giving her.

''I'm sorry... I just want to help. Want you to feel better.'' She offered quietly, sincerely.

''I know. I'm sorry too.'' He winced inwardly; it seemed being sorry was the only thing he could do correctly tonight. He was sick of hearing himself say it; it didn't solve anything.

''What a mess.'' Rinoa plopped herself down on the bed beside him, their thighs barely touching.

''Yeah.'' He sighed, rubbing once again at his scar and stifling a yawn as best he could.

There was an awkward pause between them, where they both wondered what to do next, how to navigate out of this tense situation. Rinoa worried at her bottom lip absently. She didn't feel him angry at her or anything; there was just this prevalent wall of guilt and enervation between them. But she thought that maybe he'd prefer being alone right now.

''Do you... want me to go?'' She asked tentatively, her voice barely above a whisper.

She felt his body stiffen beside her.

No.

The response had been immediate and crystal-clear; Squall hadn't even had to think about it. He felt Rinoa's relief washing over him and she took his hand in hers between them.

''What do you need?'' She asked quietly, slowly threading her fingers through his.

''Just you.'' He answered just as quiet, unbelievably worn out, shyly leaning his head atop hers. The gesture and his tone made Rinoa's heart ache and sing all at once.

She tugged meaningfully at his hand, and wordlessly they removed their shoes and settled together on his bed, laying on their sides facing each other. Rinoa found herself comfortably enclosed in Squall's arms, her face hidden in his chest as he brought her even closer, like he was trying to apologize further with his embrace.

You feel like sharing that burden, you don't even hesitate. Understood?

She thought he was already asleep, but then;

Thank you.

Unconsciously, he let out a long exhale through his nose, all of the day's hardships leaving his mind as the only thing that mattered for now was Rinoa's comforting warmth against him. And when Angelo hopped on the foot of the bed and found a perfect spot behind his knees, resting her head heavily on his calf and sighing... Squall was suddenly overcome with an unfamiliar, albeit powerful feeling, treading as he was on the brink on sleep;

There was a flutter in his stomach and something gripping at his heart.

Home. He was home.

Notes:

This has been a long time coming, sorry about that! As always, come find me on tumblr at tr1ck5 if you wanna scream about this old game with someone~

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