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Akito never understood the appeal of kissing.
What was the point of shoving your mouth against somebody else's? He much preferred to just hang with Toya, yet all any of the boys his age could talk about was how badly they wanted to put their lips on all the girls in school. He had to lie through his teeth if he wanted to seem like he related.
It wasn't like he never tried it before or anything. It was only once in middle school, but him and An decided to kiss -- just because neither of them had done it before and she shared Akito's sentiment of wanting to know what the hell all their classmates were raging about. It was all... gooey? The feeling was weird enough to further nauseate him with each passing moment.
"Dude-" An had physically cringed as she ripped herself back, shoving Akito a good extra feet away for good measure. "That was terrible."
"Was not." Akito sneered despite his agreement.
"Was totally so." An fired back with a sickly face. "Seriously, that sucked so bad I think you turned me gay."
They both laughed, but then An came out to him as lesbian a week later.
That made sense to him in hindsight, though. Whenever he saw her on Vivid Street back then, her gaze would always linger on whatever pretty girl would walk by a bit too long... And of course, when they entered high school, there was the way she acted like she was superglued to Kohane from day one. There was no surprise whatsoever when she made a formal announcement about their relationship, not even from her own father.
It made Akito question a few things about himself, though. He'd never really been one to consider his options, assuming that he was just more of a guy's guy and leaving it at that. The idea that maybe he was just a bit different from the other boys he knew never once dawned on him until then.
Well, admittedly, he did know that his partner was attractive from the start. It was one of the first things about Toya that stood out to him, never having really seen a boy he'd describe as 'pretty' before. Even their classmates and fellow musicians who otherwise refused to shut up about girls agreed that Toya had looks to kill for.
But if that was the case, then the butterflies he felt in his stomach when Toya was around was normal, right? That was why his smile made Akito blush, and why just knowing he'd get to be around Toya made his day better, and why physical contact made him feel so fuzzy and warm he didn't want to let go, and why he felt his heart sink at the idea of somebody else taking him, and...
Oh. Yeah, he was definitely gay.
Shockingly enough, coming to terms with the fact that he liked boys was the easy part. The difficulty laid in dealing with the fact that the boy he liked was Toya, his partner who he practically spent every minute with. He'd never fault Toya for something stupid like this, but his attentive nature made it virtually impossible for Akito to hide from this newfound rush of feelings and it sucked.
He used to be so comfortable around Toya -- slinging an arm around the taller boy and talking his ear off about upcoming events they were participating in or whatever stupid thing he felt like complaining about in that moment. He knew he didn't have to think about anything unnecessary when it was just the two of them, cherishing how easy it was to simply exist around Toya.
Until the great big man in the sky decided to say "Fuck you, Akito, now you can't even think about your partner without turning so red you almost pass out."
Learning you were in love with someone made you recontextualize every thought you've had about them, Akito found. Knowing exactly why it felt so warm to see Toya smile because of him, or when Toya would go out of his way to make sure he was comfortable and taking care of himself properly in a shitty situation, or literally just to watch Toya go about his daily life unrestrained... It made that warmth turn dense and humid, trapping him within an unbearable, bone-deep ache.
He began to yearn for Toya so badly it literally, physically hurt. How fucking lame was that?!
That wasn't even to mention the constant fluttering in Akito's stomach when he was given the time to drink in what a sweetheart his partner was -- Always so earnest to the point of easily falling for the sarcasm of his peers, completely untainted and joyous in his ventures to try things he'd been denied as a child, and of course daring to look at Akito like he hung the moon and the stars in the sky while constantly bombarding him with comments about how amazing he was for the most trivial shit imaginable.
Akito reached his limit far sooner than he would've liked to admit. Each tiny act felt like another disproportionately massive arrow driving straight into his heart, dragging it ever deeper into the seemingly permanent pit in his stomach. Yet at the same time, he felt as though he was constantly on the verge of puking a rainbow, or maybe several dozen of them, and he'd repeat this about the feeling every time -- It sucked. Whoever decided to gaslight everyone into thinking falling in love was some pure, holy feeling was a stupid dumb idiot and Akito hoped they died.
"How the fuck do you this." Akito had confronted An one day.
"Do what...?" she responded with squinted eyes, obviously confused by the lack of context.
"Be... gay." Akito made some sort of gesture with his hands, entirely too frustrated to articulate himself properly.
"...Like girls? I guess?" An's eyes further narrowed, still having absolutely no clue what was going on.
"No, dammit-" Akito took a deep breath, lamenting the fact that she couldn't just read his mind and save him the embarrassment. "I mean... how the hell do you handle thinking all that sappy stuff about your partner?"
"Akito..." An suddenly grinned. "Have you got a crush on Toya?"
"......No."
After what felt like a solid 15 minutes of An laughing her ass off at him, she actually managed to slap out some advice -- to stop thinking about it so hard and tell Toya how he felt. She claimed he'd feel lighter by half afterward, but she may as well have asked a fish to walk on land. Akito was terrified by the concept of Toya potentially not feeling the same way, and equally dreaded the idea that he'd be rushing Toya if he did reciprocate. Everything had to be at Toya's pace if it were to actually happen, which meant a confession on his part was totally out of the question.
That was Akito's (awful) game plan, anyway; too bad Toya had long since developed a sixth sense for telling when something was off with his partner. Normally, Akito was so touchy his hands were often on Toya more than off, never failed to speak his mind and played nothing short of the perfectionist during practice. Yet here he was, biting his tongue and avoiding all physical contact as he cracked and stumbled his way through practice... Something was wrong, he knew.
"Akito, is everything okay? You've been acting a bit strange lately..." Toya had asked the moment he could catch his partner alone, and Akito instantly knew he was cooked. Whether he'd gotten worse at hiding his feelings or Toya had gotten better at detecting them was something to debate later.
"Yeah, it's fine. Just a bit run-down is all." Akito shrugged. There was a tiny bit of truth in his answer, but Toya didn't seem to buy it. Maintaining that worried frown, he stepped closer to his partner, doing absolutely nothing to quell the racing of his heart which swelled with such homosexuality as of late.
"Akito... I've learned what your overthinking face looks like by now." Toya's voice softened with concern, gently landing a pale hand atop Akito's shoulder in an extremely ironic reversal. "I won't force you to tell me. But, as your partner... I want you to know you can trust me with anything, okay?"
"Yeah... I know. Thanks, Toya." Akito smiled, as touched as always by how kind and sweet his partner acted toward him. Regardless, it seemed like he wasn't getting out of this without needlessly worrying Toya, which was stupid seeing as the only thing wrong was the fact that he looked way too gorgeous from Akito's point of view right now.
Toya looked at him expectantly, nothing but patience swimming through those thoughtful eyes of silver as he awaited Akito's decision. Truthfully, he could've chickened out right here and ended the conversation where it was -- Toya would've let him do so if he wasn't ready to talk, but that didn't mean it was fair to Toya. And so he sucked in a quick breath, psyching himself up as best he could before he lost the momentum needed to spill his guts.
"I think I... like you, Toya." Akito muttered lamely, face turning positively scarlet with a mixture of emotions he couldn't decipher -- shame, embarrassment, vulnerability, love -- all boiling together until they were beyond distinction and recognition, only to flood Akito's features in a dizzying haze which grew fuzzier by the second. Toya could only freeze in place, his mouth ever so slightly agape.
"Like... like you like you." Akito repeated, the hue of his cheeks deepening further with each word which poured from his lips in the waterfall that was his useless ramble. "I... feel like me when I'm with you, y'know? You're so dedicated and talented, it's like nothing else matters when I'm singing with you, man. Nobody else can match my wavelength like you can, and nobody makes me wanna push myself to be better the way you do."
"You're always calling me amazing, but... you've got no clue how incredible I think you are, Toya." The taller began to smile, even as Akito made a noise of frustration upon realizing he sounded way too much like he was merely praising the former as a singing partner. "I'm serious -- you're way kinder than I deserve, so damn sweet all the time, and... pretty, Toya. God, you've got no idea how crazy you drive m-"
Akito was instantly hushed by the feeling of Toya's free left hand coming to hold his cheek. He wasn't sure when exactly they'd become so close that the tips of their sneakers dug into each other, but all of a sudden the distance between them was barely a centimeter as Toya spoke next.
"I love you too, Akito." the older whispered, unable to contain the ear-to-ear grin on his face as he spoke the five magic words Akito could tell he's been waiting ages to mutter. Barely half a glance between them afterward, and they could both tell the desire for what happened next was mutual.
That day, Akito learned what a kiss was really supposed to feel like.
It was nothing like what he'd tried with An in middle school, where they pretty much just haphazardly smacked their lips together for a few seconds. Toya kissed him with more sweetness than Akito was sure any other human could muster, right hand coming around to hold Akito close in a way that made him melt like some kind of affection-starved puppy.
It felt good to have Toya's lips on him, gentle with each stamp of their puckered lips together until he finally applied more pressure into the movement. Akito could barely even register the hint he was meant to be taking, yet responded to it anyway with a somewhat forceful surge that made Toya sigh into his mouth. Feeling the faintest remnants of bitter coffee and sweet cola pass between them, the ginger truly couldn't reign himself in any longer.
Their lips now properly slotted against each other, Akito wasted no time in claiming the lead of their kiss. In all their inexperience, the process of learning they had to find a mutual rhythm while making sure neither forgot to breathe was as much of a struggle as it was a workout. Nevertheless, the thought of pulling back never once appeared unless for the express purpose of diving back in again.
Akito's kiss was the polar opposite of Toya's -- sheer fiery passion as opposed to the gentle calm brought on by his split-haired partner. If he wasn't busy being kissed breathless at the moment, he surely would've chuckled at the thought that only Akito would kiss him with such impatience and fervor, behaving like they were up on the stage and not teaching themselves to kiss behind some random wall in the park.
Oh well. As always, Toya was more than willing to receive all Akito had to offer him, even if he too was losing himself in this unique new embrace.
They kissed for what felt like hours, basking in all the emotion they had no idea they'd been dying to express and could most certainly understand the addiction for now. Even after parting ways for the day -- as boyfriends, though Akito couldn't help but laugh when Toya paused in the middle of their kiss to make sure -- the lingering feeling of Toya's lips against his was pure electricity, even if he had to find out the hard way that excessive kissing led to swollen lips and a hoarse voice...
Well, he'd be lying if he said that aspect ever stopped him. Pining for Toya was one thing; being given express permission to act upon his yearnings was a different can of worms entirely. Even before he realized his feelings, there were countless instances where he'd drag Toya to what he thought was a discreet space behind the live house stage and ruffle up his hair in a burst of affection, so it was only natural that those urges would increase tenfold. His only issue now was with whoever decided it would be socially unacceptable to pin Toya to the wall and kiss him breathless the millisecond their performance ended.
Granted, he supposed one thing that never changed was that he preferred to keep the more intimate side of their relationship to themselves. He had his moments of reckless impulsivity, obviously, but they almost always ended with him red in the face and unable to escape An's teasing for at least 48 hours. Besides, new at this as they were, cuddling up and soaking in each other's heat alone may as well have qualified as a drug.
Ironic as his disposition was, the lack of interruption allowed Akito to appreciate both the beauty of the boy he adored so deeply as well as each and every way he could love him. Just when he thought he'd seen the extent of where his own heart ended and began, a new urge to kiss Toya's skin until every atom was dyed in his colors would rise once more, and he was yet again made cognizant of a side of himself he wasn't aware existed -- his craving for Toya was positively limitless.
A kiss was no longer just the locking of lips between them, even if felt amazing to do so every time without fail. No -- a 'kiss' could now refer to the countless pecks Akito had received against the chub of his cheek as a parting gift at the end of their lunch break. It could mean the numerous moments in which Akito could no longer handle Toya being too damn cute for his own good, only able to release his emotions by yanking him close and stamping an almost aggressive smooch against his own cheek.
A lazy 'chu' against Akito's forehead on the rare occasion Toya would wake up first the morning after a sleepover... The feeling of Akito's hands hurriedly combing through two-toned hair after practice, claiming he merely wanted to keep him from overheating but unable to resist the urge to sneak in a quick forehead kiss of his own... The slow caress of soft lips against Akito's neck, uncaring of the marks that would form even as the ginger's tube of concealer cried for mercy... The way Akito could never resist doing the same, hooking his palms under Toya's arms to keep him close as he almost obsessively littered kisses across the back of Toya's smooth, unblemished neck... Even the moments in which Akito lost a bit too much of his self-control and bit down into pale skin, though Toya would certainly throw a few lighthearted teases his way...
For lack of a better word, it was all fucking awesome.
"Akito...?" muttered Toya, reminding Akito that they were still laying side-by-side in the latter's bed. He hadn't even realized he stopped kissing him, which was funny seeing as that was all he wanted to do lately. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. It's fine." Akito mumbled back, actually meaning it this time. His right hand, which he'd nearly forgotten he was using to hold Toya by the waist, lightly squeezed at the clothed spanse of skin against his palm. The answer seemed sufficient enough for Toya, letting his eyes fall shut as Akito pressed into his open mouth yet again.
Kissing with tongue for the first time was... strange, to say the least. Toya asked if they could try it out of the blue, and Akito saw no reason to deny him even if there were a few apprehensions involved. The odd sensation of another tongue sliding against his felt gross and slippery for the embarrassing amount of tries and several Google searches required to do it correctly, but when they finally got it right, holy shit did they get it right. They didn't kiss like that super often, mostly because a quick smooch to the nearest spanse of skin they could reach was easier in public, but the experience lived rent-free in Akito's head anyway.
There was something so... intimate in the way they'd engage in such a passionate act as lazily as they were now, too. It was almost scary how the rest of the world disappeared, not even his own breath mattering as much as how badly he wanted Toya. He thought things would settle down at least a bit after actually becoming his boyfriend, but he was just trading problems as usual, wasn't he?
He considered asking An about it a couple times, but he really didn't feel like getting laughed off Vivid Street for admitting he was too much of a fa-
"Akito. You're thinking too much again." Toya spoke more firmly the next time they pulled away, though the hand which had been wandering through orange hair remained balled up in a loose fist as he spoke. Akito could tell from his tone that he was expecting an explanation, even if he didn't directly pressure him to talk this time.
"I'm fine, seriously." Akito punctuated his sentence with another, far more chaste kiss, before pushing his palms flat against the sheets in order to sit up. Toya followed in the opposite fashion, letting his hands slip away from Akito as he laid on his back.
"I just..." Akito paused, unsure of how to phrase what he was feeling. "I think I've been a bit selfish with you lately, y'know?"
"You aren't selfish, Akito." Toya spoke immediately, stating it like it was an objective fact. "You're the most caring person I've ever met, in fact. You're simply well aware of what you want and unafraid to grasp it, which is something I've always admired about you."
"Jeez..." Akito chuckled, promptly climbing atop Toya to shut him up with what felt like their billionth kiss despite not having been a couple for even a year. "You feed my ego way too much, y'know that?"
"Well, it's my job to help you feel better about yourself when you're feeling down, isn't it?" Toya hummed through his sentence, craning his neck the moment Akito descended upon it. "You do the same for me every day, after all."
This boy was going to be the actual end of Akito.
"I seriously don't deserve you, man." Akito grunted into the Toya's skin, sighing at the sudden feeling of the taller's hands running up the skin of his back.
"You do." Toya immediately affirmed, just as he always did, before letting out another decisive hum, turning his head with the aim of making Akito lock eyes. "But even if you didn't, that wouldn't matter to me. You said yourself that nothing else matters if we want to be with each other, right?"
"Guess I did." Akito shrugged, though that was hardly enough to disguise how flustered the comment made him when the two were literally chest-to-chest at the moment. As a result, Toya took his turn to chuckle this time, not hesitating at all to hug Akito close.
"I love you very much, Akito." spoke softly, almost making Akito jealous with how effortlessly he seemed to permeate each letter with the full extent of his affection.
"Love you too, Toya." Akito whispered back, hoping his own declaration made Toya feel even a fraction of the bliss his partner provided to him.