Chapter Text
Silence was all that filled the air.
Everyone who wasn't confused enough to stop thinking looked around in a theater-like room, one big TV, almost that of just a casual home TV but still obviously bigger. Still, the theater room wasn't the strangest thing about being brought to a room such as this.
The room was filled with armed detective agency members and port mafia members. All trained in combat ready for a fight, but before anything could break out a voice filled the air
" Everyone calm down! The worlds greatest detective, has already figured out what we're going to be doing here!"
Ranpo yelled through the room. Some agency members were soothed at the calmness of the agencies detective. However, the port mafia was not at all soothed from this remark, maybe even more so annoyed.
" Where the hell are we! " A red headed executive screamed from where he stood 'probably Chuuya from how he acts' - Atsushi thought.
" You will be reacting to yourselves! " A loud, but feminine voice yelled. Everyone looked where the abrupt noise came from, all eyes find a woman.
Probably in her late 20's hair black and low shade of purple and so was her skin purple, like her skin, and hair, her eyes were a light purple as well, her clothes resembled that a Western women's clothes, but they were anything but modern. She had two crystals on each wrist. One a deep shade of purple the other a light shade of green.
The woman raised her arms to press on the green crystal and when she did a bright like fixed in the room, then everyone was seated in light brown couches, and black chairs. Everyone looked around, appalled at the scene that just played out.
Before anyone could say anything, a small red glow came from the port mafia side. All eyes find the glow come from a angry executive.
" Oh crap! I forgot!- "
The glow was gone within seconds and making even more confusion.
" Please be a dear, and explain who you are and what we are doing here. " A pink haired woman, in a pink kimono sternly said pulling out a knife, from her umbrella.
Atsushi could feel annoyance from the girl beside him, kyōka. He placed a hand on her shoulder, as to try and soothe her anger. She looked over at him, and breathed in and out. He smiled, and looked back at the scene before them all.
" Alright, my name is Aevum, I'm the one who brought you here, sorry if my Japanese is a bit rusty. Anyway! I brought you all here to react to a man reacting to you."
Akutagawa scowled, " How exactly does a man react to us? What? Are we some sort of TV show. " Kunikida said. Obviously an attempt to get answers.
The woman, Aevum. Looked over to him, " exactly! "
Everyone in the room went dead silent. " What. Do you mean a TV show!? " A guy with orange hair, from the port mafia yelled.
" Well you guys are an anime called, Bungo stray dogs, and people like me, love you guys. "
Dazai, and Atsushi both had an idea where the name for the anime came from but neither of them said anything, so that the woman could keep explaining.
" -and when you're done I'll send everyone back with zero harm sound good? " She looked around for any to oppose this opportunity.
" How can we trust that you won't hurt us! " Juni'chiro struggled to get out.
"Honestly, you can't, but it's all about trust. Right? " The woman then disappeared and the TV turned on.
The TV showed a text, " everyone, get comfortable
-starting in 3..2..1.."
a man was showed looking in his early 20's appeared on the screen " how's it going everybody? My name's Danny Motta, and I'm here to say. Shut. Up. "
" Well that's one way to start a video! " Dazai blurted out loud. A certain port mafia member, not very happy to be in the same room as their former partner, one other very happy to be in the same room as dazai.
" I'm doing it! I'm finally doing it. I'm watching bungo stray dogs. Can you get off my case? "
' he doesn't look very happy to be having to watch us, honestly. ' Atsushi thought, " can who get off his case? " Kenji asked, " I imagine its the viewers of our anime and his channel " kunikida answered " oh! Thank you kunikida-san! " Kenji happily cheered.
" there's never been an anime I've heard so much, and so little about. When yuri on ice first came out, I didn't watch it, but I knew the buzz, right? " the man, Danny motta. Seemed absolutely annoyed at the facts he was pointing out
" what is "yuri on ice"? " Juni'chiro asked, " it's probably another anime! Maybe even more exciting than our anime! " Dazai yelled, to answer juni'chiro.
" I saw the trailers, everyone was talking about on social media, I was aware that it existed. "
" wow, we must be a really boring fandom if content creators have never even heard about us. " Tachihara said, but with zero backlash.
" -but I never even heard of this anime, UNTIL I became a content creator. The Bungo stray dogs community is at the same time, incredibly vocal, and like entirely invisible "
Tachihara took this comment as a silent win for him. Not wanting to learn what would happen if he kept talking, even if he was talking less than the detectives.
" like what is this? I don't know what the characters look like, I've never seen it talked about! Now all of a sudden, Crunchyroll is like. " Get ready! Season four is right around the corner! " "
the room was silent at the reminder that they're just characters in an anime, most sighing at the reminder as well.
" -and I'm like, season four!? What are you talking about!? Anyway, I'm just as sick as being harassed as I am, being out of the loop. So we're finally gonna check this one out! "
" Finally! I was wondering when he was gonna shut up! " Ranpo yelled, obviously annoyed that they haven't started. Dazai quietly giggled at the antics of the detective.
a certain agency member's favorite food and his voice filled the air " pickled plums, slivered nori, leftover chicken, all doused in piping hot water. "
" what is this, an ad? "
" yeah no offense Atsushi-kun, but you sound like an ad right now. " Dazai said, quickly making Atsushis face go red " I don't even remember that saying this, dazai-san! " He tried to defend himself, but to no avail, he (dazai) grew bored of it quickly.
Yokohama was shown in the dawn beauty, then Atsushi's knees hit the floor hard, then his head the same
Hearing both his the ground make a few members of both organizations, physically grimace at the noise and possible feeling.
"damn it. I'm gonna die of hunger. " " you're gonna die of brain damage if you keep that up! Hunger's the least of your worries i'd focus on that concussion you most definitely have! "
yosano looked over at Atsushi, past kyōka. " Are you sure your head is okay? I can certainly take a look at it " yosano said in her terrifying voice. " Uh- i- no thank you Yosano-san! I'm perfectly fine, that was a long time ago anyway! " She immediately looked bored and looked back at the screen.
Few could see Moris sinister smile at her behavior.
None commented.
after being thrown out of the orphanage, I had nothing to eat, nowhere to sleep, and of course, not a cent to my name. " "How do you get thrown out of an orphanage? Their whole job is to keep people inside of them. What do orphanages just toss kids out when they reach a certain age? now looking at the camera - that's a serious question. I don't know, do they do that? That's not even a criticism of the show just I guess more of a criticism of our government. "
" Can they even do that? " Higuchi asked, not entirely expecting an answer. " I would think, not? " Tachihara tried to answer but doesn't know the answer either. Atsushi kind of wanted to answer her question, as he did know the answer ' they threw me out because of the tiger ' but kept to himself with the answer.
get out you good for nothing!
atsushi paled at the voice. Hearing the familiar voice almost brought him back, if not for kyōka holding onto his sleeve.
two people in white clothes being silhouetted by purple and blue. " No orphanage wants someone like you! " " The world would be a better place if you just die in a ditch somewhere. "
The room filled in silence. Most already knowing some of this story, others completely baffled by the words said to a child in an orphanage.
" Oh nevermind, I guess the orphanage just didn't like him! Why was it that irredeemable haircut? Did this guy bang his barbers wife, because that would be the only excuse for this travesty of a haircut. "
The entire room filled with laughter, even Akutagawa could be seen wearing a smirk, absolutely loving the slander to the weretiger. Atsushi hid his face in embarrassment and kyōka was trying to hide her laughs, the best she could.
" dude walked into a salon and said, "get me half of this" a teen girl was shown with two buns and bangs dude said "I want to look like what would happen if a Bratz doll made out with a blender, I wanna look like a shit zu tried to use the top of a helicopter as a trampoline. "
everyone only laughed harder at him not stopping his slander to his uneven haircut.
"I'm gonna live no matter what! Right! I'm gonna rush the first person who comes along steal everything they've got!"
"wow! Atsushi-kun didn't know you had it in you!" Dazai cheered out. Majority of the ada agreed at the fact. Atsushi was just too kind hearted to ever doom someone like that..
" this is a good plan, and you know what. Even better this is a good plan, to shout. LOUDLY. You're trying to rob somebody. Keep that knowledge to yourself.
" exactly why the jinko is absolutely useless. " Akutagawa snarled. Atsushi turned his head at Akutagawa and glared at his as Akutagawa did the same. " Control your kids, mackerel. " Chuuya said casually. Both turned their head to Chuuya surprised.
" I was just gonna do that chuu-ya! It's not polite to interrupt your elders! " Dazai teased. " I'm older than you asshole! " Chuuya yelled back, " dazai quit harassing people. " Fukuzawa ordered.
a person in a helicopter drove by, too fast for Atsushi to try to catch up "um. Maybe someone going a little slower. Okay. The next person. " A whole troop of army men showed up going slow and marching. " this is a good bit. I don't even have a joke. This is just a good bit."
everyone seemed to agree with, along how funny Atsushis struggling was.
"next time. And this time I really mean it. You're mine man!" two legs were sticking out of the river.
" wait, don't tell me, " Juni'chiro said " is this seriously how you two met? "
" OH TAKE IT. TAKE HIS WALLET. "
" Is he an idiot? The wallet would just be completely soaked " ranpo said, bored and hungry.
dazai's eyes rolled from the back of his head to normal, and he slowly lifted himself up, with Atsushi by his side trying to catch his breath, then surprised at him sitting up. " You were floating down the river. "
" is this not the persona three protagonist? I feel like I find myself saying that alot. Why is this specific haircut an anime trope? "
everyone heard the extremely loud, dramatic gasp following after his comment. " How could he!? My hair is gorgeous! " Everyone audibly sighed. Except Akutagawa, agreeing with dazai.
" you don't get it? I was trying..to kill myself. " "S-suicide!?" Atsushi gasped " but you.. interfered and ruined my day. " " okay, we'll try again! Look I know you're suicidal, but that doesn't mean you have to be a quitter too. Well actually. "
" his whole personality is that he's a quitter. " Kunikida sighed. Dazai gasped. " How could you! I never quit! Not a day in my life. " Dazai said I'm his defense.
" by the way, can we all just agree right now that the jokes are gonna be dark in this one? This guy's fun personality quirk is that he's suicidal, and YOU GUYS TOLD ME TO WATCH THIS. so let's just all assume from here on that the jokes are little edgy. "
" is he seriously blaming dazai's antics on his viewers? " Tachihara asked. "Honestly it seems like it" gin whispered to tachihara, trying to avoid being heard by anyone else.
" and don't worry when I'm done recording this I'm gonna get my apology video ready. "
" damnit dazai you really know how to make yourself a nuisance to anyone, even out side of our universe. " Kunikida said, annoyed as hell. Dazai chuckled " I'll take that as a compliment, kunikida-kun! "
" nice work!? And just who caused all this work, you suicidal manic! I've had enough of this. Do you realize how often you disrupt my schedule with your shenanigans!?"
dazai's ex-partner could instantly feel his pain, and looked towards him with sympathy.
" is this down being haunted by a vengeful Barber? What the hell is going on with all these terrible haircuts?"
Kunikida looked confused and offended. " What's wrong with my haircut? " Kunikida said confused and annoyed.
""oh Danny you're only three minutes into this show, you're being too harsh"
atsushi agrees.
"oh I'm sorry? This dude is standing here with a Pikachu corpse on his head! What do you want from me!?"
The room filled with howls of laughter, Atsushi could feel his pain of being mocked for his haircut.
"an orphanage?" Dazai said, looking kind of bored. " I was. Yes. But they kicked me out" "sounds like a real philanthropic organization. "
" that's what I'm saying man, I don't think they can do that! "
" dazai looked extremely interested now, gleaming eyes and all, while kunikida looked stressed and annoyed. " Look at that support beam up there! " A blue arrow pointed to where dazai was taking about.
" they can even animate our lives!? " Juni'chiro yelled. " I mean yeah, we're a anime- wait would that make the weretiger the main character? " Tachihara said, and asked. Atsushi pondered, and doubted it completely. " Yeah, he is " ranpo replied. Everyone was surprised but none said anything.
" don't even think about hanging yourself in this tea house. " " Jesus this guy's a walking cry for help, isn't he? "
Atsushi faced dazai, " you know you can always talk to us, dazai-san we care for you! " " Aww Atsushi-kun always so sweet! " Akutagawa glares at Atsushi, even if he barely noticed. Ranpo shifted entirely, already knowing everything.
" todays job doesn't require any secrecy, it's for the government. We're looking for a tiger. " " I dont- what is this show about? Is this show about hunting private investigators searching for a rampaging tiger? Is that the premise? Am I at least a little right? "
" Ehh.. almost, for like a day. " Dazai answered. All the armed detective agency members seemed to agree all knowing how the end plays out.
"you've been talked to about this " as he says this kunikida let's go of a, now in the floor Atsushi. " Let me try! Ok, now what now do you kno-" " oh my god does he have bandages all over his arms because he keeps trying to slit his wrists? Guys c'mon this one's gonna get me in trouble. Everyone's gonna have to be real cool about the jokes in this reaction series here"
silence filled. " Well dazai, do you? " Kunikida asked. " No! The bandages are apart of my secrecy and fashion!" yosano nudged ranpo in a silent, " this true, ranpo? " Only for no answer.
" the world would be a better place if you just die in a ditch somewhere" Atsushi was shown on his knees in front of them " why me? I didn't do anything. " The man spoke up " we don't need worthless leeches like you "
Akutagawa scoffed, annoyed by the pathetic scene shown in front of them. Atsushi almost the same, annoyed by having to see them once again after so long of time.
" this is the craziest attitude for an orphanage to have, you take in children who have no where else to go! How you gonna stand here and be like " we hate you, and everyone will always hate you do you even want to be an orphanage? "
both organizations giggled at the mocking of these people, " exactly what I'm saying, they can't do that! " Tachihara yelled at the TV, only to be completely shut down by Akutagawa's glare.
" sorry to interrupt, but what are you reading? " " A good book" " I'm surprised you can read when it's this dark. " " I have excellent night time vision, besides I've read it before." The books name was : a complete guide to suicide.
" How is this book not two pages long? Step one: kill yourself, step two : die. What's the rest of the book? Fun DIY crafts in case you mess up? "
" how dare he! My book is a complete art of literature, complete art, I say! " Dazai defended his terrible guide. " Your book is stupid, like you " Chuuya pointed out
"they called me a good for nothing at the orphanage, as far back as I can remember and now I don't even know where I'll sleep tonight or how I'll get through to tomorrow.." Atsushi said,
" im glad you joined the agency! I'm sorry. " Naomi cried. " It's fine Naomi, don't worry! " Atsushi tried to calm her tears.
" oh my god, he rolled his eyes we get it you're a homeless orphan, I get that, that's like the worst situation anyone's ever been in, but suck it up. "
" that's what I've been saying this whole time " Akutagawa mumbled only for Chuuya, kouyou, tachihara and gin to hear, but Atsushi could hear it too. He rolled his eyes at Akutagawa's remark, he couldn't care less what he had to say " I heard that. " Atsushi said, " good. " Akutagawa glared daggers into Atsushis eyes.
" okay? Your life isn't that hard, my spy family videos keep getting taken down, they're worse off people!"
" this guy is a complete moron. " Ranpo said, the guy was comparing a homeless orphan to videos, he was a moron. Yosano giggled at his comment.
atsushi looks scared " because somethings not right with your story, just because their finances went south why would an orphanage banish a poor helpless child
" oh he's poking holes in your story you lying b-tch!"
" technically, i wasn't lying, because I wasn't aware I was a tiger. " Atsushi reminded. Kyōka agreed, still not knowing the full story.
" you came to this city two weeks ago the tiger also appeared in the city two weeks ago" Atsushi was shown facing a full moon with a silhouette a blue.
" oh you tiger ass bitch. Dazai's looking for a tiger but you sure are doing a lot of lion! "
" I'm a tiger! " Atsushi yelled, " no, your the agency's kitty cat! " Dazai, teasing. "Dazai-san.." Atsushi says I'm defeat.
" some people use their abilities to achieve great success- " dazai speaks as Atsushi yells in agony
...
" when you transform does it always hurt? " Kyōka asks, clearly worried. "Oh, I guess? Before joining the agency I never really remembered before and after. " She nodded taking that as an answer. It didn't do much to soothe the other agency members and even one executive.
" oh my god, he's a f-cking weretiger "
" wow, never would've guessed. " Ranpo said, Fukuzawa nudged him to stop commenting on the man on the screen.
" you see, you also have supernatural powers, in the moon light you can transform into a wild best. "
" this is the protagonists power? This is the weirdest most niche to give the protagonist of a show. He turns into a tiger that's some side character shi- right there. "
" It's not like we get to pick our abilities.. " Atsushi mumbled, wishing he could completely erase his ability with himself.
dazai was shown nullifying Atsushis ability
" oh he's hacking the tiger! I haven't seen effects like this in such a long time" atsushi is shown turning back into a human " like the weird blue rings of code flying around everywhere, I don't know like I can't pin down where I've seen stuff like that before"
' bro yapping ' - tachihara
" my power allows me to reverse anyone else's power"
" wow your power sounds like a fucking buzz kill"
" it's absolutely is. " Chuuya agreed,and kouyou chuckled to herself.
atsushi falls into dazai's chest
" Wow classic anime trope, into the love interests breasts"
" oh wow! I didn't know you two were dating! " Kenji said, with a bright smile on his face. " I would rather die than date him, sorry Atsushi. " Dazai cheerfully said.
" if your flirting I'm not interested. " then throwing Atsushi
" oh dazai knows it too! "
"you've gotten better at solving cases dazai, but my logical skills will solve the big ones! " " wow I already hate you. "
" WHAT. how could he hate me! I'm the greatest detective in the world! " Ranpo screamed. Loud enough it had Atsushi needing to cover his ears.
kenji was shown bending down beside Atsushi, "he's not dead what are we gonna do when he wakes up? He didn't know he could do this, did he? "
" who let Tom Sawyer join the crew, dazai, yosano, kunikida, and ranpo were all shown -actually why do you all look like 1800's plantation owners?
gasps were heard throughout the armed detective agency side, " how could he, my outfit it gorgeous everyday! " Dazai yelled, " I look good, I don't know about them, but I look good everyday! " Yosano said proudly.
" oh look at that, your right hand did change back " dazai said pointing at his right hand " my right hand? " Atsushi said lifting his hand up,
" eh, that's embarrassing. What is this going to the be the anime version of American dragon, Jake long, also I can't tell if that comment is gonna make a lot of people happy, or piss alot of people off. I don't have a good read on the Bungo stray dogs community yet, and I'm excited to see how many people in my comments infuriate. "
As he finished his sentence, the kidnapper, woman, came over the intercom, " alright! So to the right are restrooms and showers to the left is a kitchen. Make yourself at home! "
Yosano got up taking ranpo with her, Atsushi went straight to the kitchen with Tanizaki and kyōka, along with Kenji.
Dazai went over to Chuuya to mess with him, and the black lizard members went to the kitchen, Akutagawa, Mori, and kouyou stayed seated for a while before finally getting up, Mori went to Fukuzawa to chat, Akutagawa went to the black lizard members, with higuchi.
Everyone chatted until kunikida announced food was ready and everyone got to their apparently designated seats, some more happy than other, Atsushi having to sit next to Akutagawa, and kyōka got to sit with Kenji.
To be continued :)
...