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Falling in love on the battlefield is like being cursed.
War makes people realize how worthless one's life is. How inhuman people can be - because the cruelty turns them into some bloodthirsty ruthless monsters. Broken hearts fuel a wary attitude and fear feeds on the sight of surrounding tragedies. It's only natural that going through it all makes many wonder if there's any hope, anything that could keep them going when the road gets dark.
Only people who have gone through hell and back know how hard and cruel to bear can be having a wish to keep living; and how agonizing it is to lose it.
That's why falling in love is so dangerous.
Fire can burn out in the blink of an eye and turn everything into dust. That's the tricky thing about love - even if it is short-lived, the days one spends remembering and missing are so long.
Vibrant emotions in the blink of an eye can turn into a void so quiet and lifeless that it's scary. Pain will last for too long and hurt too badly; and then, it will make people numb and leave a life-long scar.
Is it really possible that there's a way of not feeling that much pain in life? Is there any hope to hold on - and if so, should people hold on to it when it's such a fleeting thing? If it's uncertain whether wishes might actually come true?
Lena tries not to see it that way, though.
It probably sounds silly to many; that hope - no matter how small and insignificant it might seem - is what truly allows people to move forward. It's only human for them to find themselves longing for the slightest semblance of comfort. Yearn for bits of affection and closure. Seek warmth of another body and weakly wish that it can dull that numb ache behind their ribs.
It's dangerous, too. Even then, though, love isn't a weapon to be wielded to get something from someone. Love is just a feeling.
Perhaps, the prickling of Lena's heart is one of the reasons why she's in Shin's office room.
No matter how much she tries not to dwell on her emotions and brush them off, their bond is just too strong. Those feelings - the sheer desire to get to know him more and see him more often - are too intense to let them fade away into nothing as if they never existed in the first place. Not that she could even think about the possibility of losing him when she's in his room.
Oddly enough, the place feels familiar.
The faint scent of coffee lingers in the air, bright warm sunlight filters through the curtains and lights up the small space. It's a little bit messy, with dust covering some of the top shelves. Books are almost everywhere - in his cabinet, the windowsill and on his bed - but the ones that stick out to her the most are on his desk, hidden beneath some documents.
Lena bites her lip.
She knows how much Shin values his personal space - that his room is probably the only place where he can let his guard down for a moment and be himself. She should be feeling honored that he allows her inside, not go ahead and look into his belongings.
...Surely, it won't be anything bad if she peeks at it, right?
Lena doesn't want to invade his privacy or anything like that; she's just... curious. It's very normal to want to know more about the person you're interested in, even if it's some meaningless fact. She believes so, at least.
So Lena hopes it's fine as, slowly, she reaches out for one of the books. A bookmark sticks out of it, indicating the progress of his reading.
"Let's see." Lena hums to herself, looking at the cover. "'Introduction to the psychology of love - be honest with yourself and win over the one you adore.' - oh, wow, that sounds interesting. But is Shin…?"
Abruptly, she places her fingertips over her lips. She sucks in the air and holds it in.
The attempt to prevent herself from thinking too much turns out to be futile and rather pathetic, though. Her mind is already spinning, each new thought that comes into her mind leaves her more and more dizzy.
Shin has never been interested in that kind of thing, has he?
"Ah– No. I should really, really stop thinking." she whispers to herself, her voice barely a whisper.
Yet the question still echoes in her mind volumes louder, unrelenting and bothering. Mindlessly, her fingers run across the spine of the book as if she recolects some memories that still linger in her mind.
Shin...
Shin is different when he's fighting; and he rarely talks about anything else. Battle makes his eyes burn, his blood boiling coldly - in a way so similar to his usual aloofness yet so different.
Him being silent piques Lena's curiosity, too, and - if she can be wholeheartedly honest - she finds it rather attractive. She always did; even back when she couldn't see his face and thoughts about meeting him were a mere fantasy, there was something undeniably mesmerizing about his mysterious attitude. Those words that left her with more questions than actual answers only kept on pulling her deeper into the reveries of him and made her wonder about him more than she wants to admit.
Nevertheless, it's hard to see right through him when Shin like this - focused solely on work and duty.
Usually Lena tries not to think about it too much. It's much easier that way. But sometimes when the night feels oddly cold and silent, she can't help but wonder if she truly knows him. The real Shin; without the walls of little white lies and distant attitude he's put around himself.
Lena lets out a heavy sigh, shaking her head slightly. After a moment that feels almost like an hour when her heart is beating rapidly in her chest, she decides to finally open the book in front of her on the page with the bookmark.
"To confess means to reveal a thing someone would normally keep secret." she reads, her eyes focused on the text. "In that case - when you're completely out of ideas about what you should say or do - one of the good ideas might be adding something else besides just uttering those three simple yet scary words. Like, for example, telling them why or expressing the desires you've been keeping all to yourself.”
Lena pauses for a second, pondering over the words.
Maybe this is a sign she's been waiting for without knowing so she can finally gather enough courage to confess. No matter how silly it may sound, it's still a funny coinsidence that she saw it now that she's been wondering what to do with her feelings for a while.
With a heavy inhale and a tad too fast heartbeat, Lena places the book back on the table. And right when she decides she'll just take a step back and simply wait for Shin to come back–
"Oh? I wonder what is this one about.'' Lena picks up another book covered by some papers. almost immediately her brows furrow in confusion. "'A symphony of love, a habit of hunger'...?"
The title makes her curious enough to start reading what turns out to be a story about a cursed demon who falls in love with a pure-hearted girl. She lights up his world and her love tastes like a dream so sweet he's starting to fear it might fade away, too. And that's why...
"...His devotion for her drives him insane; and so does the want that simmers right under the surface, clawing under his skin. His fingertips itch when his knuckles brush against her skin." Lena pauses for a moment - as short as heartbeat - and swallows. "Eager for something he can't quite put a name on just yet, he can feel her luring him in with that soft and naive attitude. All he knows is that his hunger grows stronger when she's around. Nevertheless, the thought of being away from him... That's what truly drives him insane."
From what the story is describing in the few following paragraphs, the female lead feels what the male lead feels as well. The only difference is that she's a bit more shy - and for this exact reason, she can't bring herself to confess or make any big moves.
Lena cracks a small smile. She understands it all too well.
Although it's just a simple romance, the tension hiding between the words of the story is enough to cause shivers running down her spine.
What the girl in the book feels towards the male lead isn't just a pure friendly kind of love. It's something far more intense. Something odder, hungrier.
In her eyes, he's not only attractive but luscious and tempting. Once his seemingly aloof demeanor melts down, he's not only one of the most soft-hearted person she's ever met but also someone so important to her that being away from him - even a mere thought - makes something within her chest ache.
Want burns down her skin. She needs him in every way possible.
Lena feels her breath hitching in the back of her throat when another scene catches her eye.
The way male lead's lips move against the female lead's is so passionate that she starts to think she's going to lose her mind. She should stop - before it's too late, before the blaze of desire swallows her whole and she crosses the line of no-return. And yet, the way he touches her is all-consuming and addictive; and she secretly catches herself wishing this moment between them could last forever.
Faintly, she feels his fingertips making their way to her bare thigh. He wants her in more ways than she recognized before. Because as his kisses slide over the curve of her jaw, his touch reaches the hem of her–
Oh.
Lena abruptly looks away, holding in a breath. Blood rushes to her cheeks as she puts the book back on its place on Shin's table.
This... This is definitely not a love guidance book.
Of course, she knew those kinds of books existed, she's not a kid anymore. Nonetheless, it's the first time she sees a romance story so intense it makes her knees weak.
Back in her homeland she was too busy with official affairs to even think about buying and reading something like that. A prim and proper lady shouldn't dare to do that, anyway.
It was just an idea she's heard of but has never seen, never experienced. A fantasy she created in her head. Something she used to think about when she lied on her bed with her eyes closed and wished that someone would be here to take some worries off her mind.
Hands sliding over bare skin, lips pressed against each other... The image of Lena taking the place of the female lead clouds her head. Before she can stop it, she starts to faintly wonder how would it be if someone was leaning in for a kiss, with her name on his lips–
"Lena?"
Shin's voice brings her out of her thoughts.
Lena sharply sucks in a breath between her teeth, freezing in a place. Her heart jumps to her throat at the suddenness, cheeks burning hot.
She's been replaying the scenes from the book all over again in her head and daydreaming about what-if's that she's not even sure when he got here, too focused on the book to notice his presence. This fact alone makes the whole situation even more embarrassing.
"Oh, Shin!" she smiles sheepishly, her eyes squeezing into small crescent moons. "What are you doing here?"
The silence that answers her makes Lena slowly start to regret her life decisions.
She's so, so foolish for coming here on her own - and even more so for asking Shin what he's doing here. In his office. The one he uses daily and where he spends most of his free time.
Lena should have known by now that too much curiosity can only bring her trouble. What kind of Colonel she is if she can't come up with such a simple conclusion?
Looking Shin in the eye after reading his books seems almost impossible as her body feels hot all over at the sheer thought of him reading and enjoying romance stories similar to the one she saw on the table.
"Don't change the subject, Lena. This isn't about me."
The unsaid order in his voice makes her instinctively press her thighs together, mind straying into places it shouldn't. Not right now, not in front of him.
If he notices just how tense she is, he doesn't mention it. He simply watches and waits - for what exactly, she can't be quite sure.
Still, it's so unfair. It's so unfair that he's so awfully attractive when he's like that - confident and breathtaking, a bit intimidating, and so beautiful that it's almost deadly.
And Lena feels so weak...
She holds in a breath until it leaves her dizzy in a futile attempt to finally calm down and stop her heart from racing in her chest. Even that, though, doesn't stop her emotions from being too big and too intense for her to handle.
"I wasn't particularly looking for anything. I was just waiting here for you." she toys with her fingers in a weak attempt to get rid of her nervousness. Hopefully, Shin isn't able to see right through her emotions now.
Tip toeing along the thin line between what's true and false is a surprisingly hard task. Even more so when it comes to him.
But what else can she do? Confessing what happened just mere moments ago seems too embarrassing, and she can't bring herself to do this.
"Honestly, I..." words slip out of her lips before Lena can stop it. She tries to swallow the lump that's in her throat but all her efforts turn to be in vain. "I didn't mean to look but, um, I saw..."
"You saw?" he prompts. Somehow, the way he arches his brow at her makes her feel almost like he's teasing her. "What exactly are you talking about?"
When Lena doesn't answer immediately, Shin casts a suspicious glance at her, making her flinch ever so slightly. She swallows, lowering her head.
"The love guidance book on your table– I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to. Well, I mean, it's not something to be embarrassed of. I don't judge your taste or anything!" she blurts out, smiling sheepishly.
Frankly speaking, Lena doesn't even know if the books she saw are to his liking. Shin doesn't like to waste his time - especially on things he finds not interesting - but he can simply read to stop himself from thinking too much about other matters that keep on bothering him.
Lena is sure there must be a lot of concerns in his mind - the voices of Legion that echo in his mind like the ghost of his sins, the war that doesn't have to end. Even his past wounds that are yet to be healed, if they ever will.
Reading is such a great distraction, that's for sure… And yet, Lena finds herself stuck with that silly little question.
Does Shin enjoy that romance book? And if so, is he seeing every scene vividly in his mind? Does he wish to experience love as intense as described on the pages?
She lowers her head, her puffed out cheeks getting slightly hotter than before. She definitely shouldn't mention that she saw that book as well.
"I just..." Lena hesitates a bit. It's embarrassing, really. "Didn't expect you to read those kinds of books, Shin..."
He doesn't react for a while, the expression on his face unreadable.
The silence between them is filled with her thundering fast heartbeat that roars in her ears and echoes of her thoughts. It's tense and overwhelming - so much that Lena starts to rethink every single thing she said.
Then, suddenly, Shin turns away. The breath he lets out is heavy, almost as if he's trying and failing - all at once - to release some of the internal pressure that's been piling up deep inside him for some time now.
"Raiden bought it for me."
Lena's brows furrow. "Does he read love guidance books, then? Does he enjoy them?"
Shin stares at her for a second - almost as if he can't believe she asked him that - and she stares back, for good measure. But the more she does that, the more uneasy she starts to feel.
She was simply trying to see right through him and catch a glimpse of his emotions. And yet, for some reason it feels like she's being the one who's being investigated. The one who's being a prey – his prey.
"It's not impossible." Shin hums easily, the soft tone of his voice contrasting with the sharpness of his gaze. "He said that bought it because he thinks I need it but I can't be sure if that's truly the only reason he had in mind. I wouldn't be surprised if he was reading the book, too."
She's now painfully aware of his every word, noticing every breath he takes as her lowered gaze falls upon his arms.
It's not good for her. If she doesn't stop focusing on every little thing he does right now - the way he purses his lips right before his tongue darts out to wet them, how his chest rises and falls with each breath he takes, the sharpness of his jawline - she's going to lose her mind. Maybe it is already happening and that's why she feels a strange twirl of emotions.
"Do you need them? But why?" the question slips out of her before she can stop it.
Lena presses the tips of her fingers against her lips. Shin's eyes narrow down at her, something dark flickering in their crimson depths. She doesn't know what his expression can possibly mean.
"Who knows." there's a ring of finality in his voice, the sharpness in his gaze that he mostly shows when he's not only interested in something but fixated on it, obsessed.
When Shin's looking at her like that, Lena has no idea how he might respond if she overstepped his boundaries - and it feels like she did. But then again, she can't think.
The silence stretches between them and so does the tension, hanging highly-strung on the verge of snapping. It's almost unbearable. Seconds drag one after another and with each of them passing by, Lena finds it strangely more and more difficult to breathe.
It feels like a whole century has passed when Shin finally exhales before speaking up again.
"Raiden told me that some people don't understand hints, no matter if they are small or big. So he thinks that I should be more direct about some topics. Being secretive won't help me if my goal is trying to make..." Shin's words trail off and Lena watches him clear his throat, his gaze averted; "people happy."
There are many things she wants to say right now, too many thoughts plaguing her mind - yet the tone of his voice is enough to make her hold her tongue. Unable to come up with an answer, Lena decides to only nod, shifting her weight from one foot to the other in a weak attempt to calm her nerves.
Suddenly, Shin takes a step forward.
Surprised, she can't stop a squeal from escaping her lips. If he hears it, he doesn't seem to mind her odd reaction.
"'All pain originates from craving and desire. or rather the lack thereof.'... If what the book says is true, I have something I need to tell you, Lena." she holds in a breath in anticipation. "I don't know if my love is soft or rough around the edges because of how broken it is. I had no intention to feel this emotion." Shin lets out a breathy chuckle. "Now it's useless to try to avoid it. Whatever you make me feel is permanent."
After watching his comrades die on the battlefield and leave him behind. After having his heart ripped into tiny pieces he can't mold together into one again. While carrying the burden of remembering for way too long... Shin still wants to love Lena.
Despite the fear of what might happen in the future weighing on his shoulders and making his chest ache, his love for her is not something that can be erased easily. His whole body seems to be yearning for any semblance of her.
"Lena." he whispers. The sound of her name makes her tremble. It's always more special when Shin says it, somehow. "I love you. And I want to try to give you the kind of love you deserve."
She's never seen him looking at someone like that. With so much tenderness and affection, his eyes holding so much honesty - raw yet gentle, and trusting - in them that she's not quite sure what to do with it.
Nonetheless, she finds herself unable to look away.
"I want to live with you and hold your hand in mine while making your wishes come true."
A breath hitches in her throat. "Shin, I–"
The next thing Lena notices is warmth as Shin's lips press against hers.
She kisses him back, her eyelids fluttering shut almost instantly - more an instinct than anything. Somehow, it feels like an oath, a promise that ties the two of them together. His lips feel so soft against her own, exactly like how she imagined it would be like. No, this is even better.
Lena sighs into him before she tugs at his collar to pull him even closer to herself.
"I love you, Shin." she whispers between the kisses.
His heart beats in sync with hers as if their existences are tightly intertwined with each other, and nothing can ever separate. Not even death could keep them apart nor stop them from finding each other at any place in this godforsaken world.
Slowly, Shin's hands slide over Lena's waist. She trembles in silent anticipation as he presses his body against hers until she gasps.
She feels his fingers ghosting her sides and arches into him, arms wrapping around his neck to hold him even closer to herself.
In the heat of the moment, it's almost impossible to recall the exact moment when their kisses start to grow hotter, hungrier as if he's starving. All Lena can feel is Shin - the warmth radiating off his body, his heavy breaths fluttering against her skin, his touch making her burn wherever his fingers reach.
It's so overwhelming yet still not enough.
Her thighs are trembling as he devours her in a way that makes it seem like he needs to feed on her kisses, needs to feel her closer. Desperately. Urgently. More, more, more...
Lena feels Shin smile into the kiss, his teeth barely grazing over her swollen lower lip before pulling it.
"I bet you've seen the other book, too. Didn't you?"
She freezes, mesmerized by the way his lips are just barely grazing hers as he speaks. His voice is lower now, more husky and breathy, with a hint of something - is he teasing her? Scheming something? Does he enjoy making a mess out of her? - she has never heard before.
A part of her tells her she ought to be mad at him. He's so collected while she starts to think she's going to die on the spot; and it's so frustrating.
Yet a single brush of his lips against hers is enough for her resolve to shatter.
Her fingers clutch on the front of his chest, weakly; "How did you–?"
"Then," Shin starts slowly, his voice filled with something mesmerizing yet dangerous.
His hand slides over the curve of her jaw, slowly and teasingly, before he catches her chin between his fingers and tilts her head slightly. Lena watches him crack a small smile, the corners of his lips curving upwards in a way that makes her feel like it's way too late to back down and turn everything into a lighthearted joke.
Although she's uncertain about what shin might do - will he scold her and ask her to do something to make it up to him? Turn away and leave her wanting? Or, perhaps, is he going to kiss her senseless again? - one thing's for sure. There's no way out of it. There's no escape from Shin's tightening grip.
His gaze sharpens, dark and full of unsaid desire.
"Allow me to take up some more of your time, Lena."