Work Text:
The end of the school year is near.
Such an event is always a turning point for students. It is a time to evaluate one’s growth for the past year. Or it can signal a new beginning.
For me, it also marks the end of something else.
“Let’s go! They’re waiting.”
You—Karuizawa Kei, my girlfriend—grab my arm and drag me out of my room to celebrate your birthday along with your friends. We are headed to Keiyaki mall, where they made a reservation for a karaoke room. It will most likely be followed by shopping until you get tired and you will spend the night in my room again, where I will hand you your present.
It may be cruel to be thinking about the end of our relationship on your birthday.
However, there is no doubt that this romance is about to enter its final stage. It will face an arduous trial and no prayers will be able to save it.
I hope by then, you will have the ability to stand up and face forward on your own.
Will you resent me? Will you remember me as another one of your bullies who betrayed you in the end?
Or will you think of me as an irreplaceable existence during your school life? Will you continue to be the same forgiving, strong-hearted person that you are right now?
Whichever it may be, I’m sure you will move on. That has always been your strength. You always find a way to survive and adapt to your environment.
You will have a happy life. An ordinary life. An ordinary love. With an ordinary partner. Build an ordinary family together. All these things I can’t be. All these things I can’t give you. All these things I could only wish for.
I hope you realize that you are a loveable person who happened to have dated someone incapable of love.
There will be someone—no, I’m pretty sure there will be a few more—who will try to win over your heart. You won’t have to wear a mask. They will love you for who you are.
For the real you is a kind person. Your inner being is very reliable. The real you is admirable.
Plus, you’re cute.
They will tell you that. You will blush and call them an idiot, probably. You’ll smile regardless, and they will pat your head.
At least that’s how it was with me.
You will realize that there are more people who are like you. Who can accept your darkness. Who will look past your scar.
And I will stop being a special person for you.
They may ask you about me. Or perhaps your children will. ‘Who was your first love?’ ‘Did you have a boyfriend in high school?’ ‘How did it start?’ ‘Why did it end?’ I wonder how you’ll respond then.
That’s all there is to it. I will just be someone from the past. But it would be nice if you remember me once in a while.
Me? I will remember everything.
I’ll remember this very moment—you’re humming as you walk, your long blonde hair swinging with your hips. Now and then, you point at something you find cute at the store windows. You keep my arm warm with your body.
I’ll remember this and all the birthdays we celebrated together; you were the first one to celebrate mine.
Your favorite foods and favorite movies. The songs you like and celebrities you hate. How you read a lot on social media but can’t stand reading one page from a book. I learned them all and I will remember them.
I’ll remember how soft your skin was when I touched it, how scared you were, how you cried and trembled when you saw me.
Then I’ll remember our first kiss. And all the ones after that. Your soft lips are burned in my memory.
The scent of your hair. How they feel against my fingers when I brush them. How you purr in response. I’ll remember them all.
The sound of your laughter. The pout you make when you get jealous. The tongue you stick out when you try to tease me. I’ll remember them too.
We arrive at the karaoke room. All your friends greet you. They sing happy birthday and I clap along. You blow the candle and smile at me. You probably wished for something that can’t come true. Another memory.
You sing all the popular songs. You rest your head on me when singing love songs. You feed me when it’s not your turn to sing.
Hours passed and it’s time to go. We say goodbye to the others. We walk around the mall and you try on a few clothes and shoes. You return them all while mumbling ‘next time.’ I pay for a dress you like when you’re not looking.
We’re back in my room and I give you your present. You say thank you and hug me. Then slowly, our faces inch closer. I can already tell what’s coming.
Another night I won’t forget.
I’ll remember how you taste. I’ll remember how to move my tongue and where to touch you in order to make you moan.
I’ll remember how you shiver and whimper as I kiss your neck. How your breasts feel on my palms. The scent and taste of your fluids when you’re aroused.
“Tauwa!”
You scream as we take things further. Now that will be the hardest to forget. That and the other weird sounds you make. I’ll remember them for a long time.
Someone else will open your book and learn all of this someday. But right now I am your student. I am learning a lot and I will remember them.
I’ll remember how good your insides feel. How pleasurable it is to move in and out of you. I’ll remember how your breath hitches and how you scratch my back with your nails when you’re getting close. Your “I love you’s” when you climax will continue to echo in my head.
I’ll remember all of these in years to come. While you’re moving on and I’m back inside that room. While you’re kissing a new love and I’m following that man’s orders. I will remember these moments we shared when we were students.
“Happy birthday, Kei.”
You smile as you close your eyes, a beauty about to sleep. I watch your chest rise and fall as you breathe. I’m sure I will remember this too.
All of our memories are burned in my mind.
None of the memories have swayed my heart.
I have learned everything about you.
I have never learned to love you.