Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Happy birthday to you!”

For my 17th birthday…

“Happy birthday to you!”

I wish for Fiona…

“Happy birthday dear Farquaad,”

To finally…

“Happy birthday to you!”

Stop hanging around that damn ogre!

Fiona and Farquaad, the double F’s. Despite their arranged marriage, they were never particularly close. But this time, it was going to be different. For Farquaad was going to start Duloc High School.

15 years old, only a couple of months older than Fiona. Girls like older boys, right? Sure, he was a bit short… but it can’t be that bad, right? If he wears high-sole shoes, he’ll probably look fine. And anyway, it’s not like he’s the only guy in the school that looks 5 years younger than his age. Before he could worry about it any further, his butler came into his room.

“Lord Farquaad, your ride is here.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll be there soon.” He dismissed the butler, who left the room with a nod, and let out a big huff.

Once he steps out of that door, he will be turning the page from his middle school years and starting his new high school chapter. He grabbed his bag, squeezed his eyes shut, and stepped out of his room. His hands were clinging tightly to his bag strap as he speed-walks through the halls before he nearly trips right by the door and finally opens his eyes.

That’s it, huh? He’s officially a high schooler.

He gets in the car, and stares outside, taking in the views of Far Far Away. Drury Lane with the muffin man’s bakery, the clothing boutique Versarchery, the fast-food restaurant Friar’s Fat Boy, Farbucks Coffee- Fiona likes Farbucks, doesn’t she? He should get her a coffee from there one day, maybe that would make her talk to him more. Before he knows it, the high school is right in front of his car window. Students are flocking to the entrance. Groups of girls, some pulling each other’s hair, groups of boys, some grabbing each other by their collars, but that’s not what catches Farquaad’s eyes. What holds his attention is the sight of Fiona, her red hair, her soft, green, vibrant skin, and her bright blue eyes, currently fixated on some 6-foot-tall ogre.

He hurried out of his car, nearly forgetting his bag, and speed-walked over to Fiona and that unknown ogre.

“Fiona, hey! Who’s… this?” Farquaad asked in a passive-aggressive tone, making sure to give the ogre a judgy look. The look was quickly reciprocated.

“Uh… Shrek, this is Farquaad, and Farquaad, this is Shrek, a guy I met this summer… he’s a good friend of mine.”

A friend. She doesn’t look at him like a friend. Is he a good friend? Or, could he perhaps be a boyfriend?

That was the start of it all. His new high school chapter was supposed to be the peak of Fiona’s and his relationship, but that Shrek guy got in the way of it all. Each time he got close to talking with Fiona, that ogre and his talking donkey always dragged her away. When he texted her, asking to hang out, she always said she already had plans to hang out with either her princess friends or the ogre’s friends. He never got a break. Before he knew it, two years had passed, and he hadn’t even been invited to Fiona’s birthday parties! And when he invited her to any of his and his family’s parties, birthday or not, she just made up excuses.

“My grandparents are coming over”

Bullshit.

“I have to go on a trip with my parents”

Bullshit.

“I’m sick, cough cough”

Bullshit.

“Sleeping Beauty’s having a sleepover”

Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!

He responded with a smile and a simple “There’s always next time”, but deep down he knew it was all fake. She was never too busy for other people, only too busy for him.

That’s why…

“Happy birthday to you!”

For my 17th birthday…

“Happy birthday to you!”

I wish for Fiona…

“Happy birthday dear Farquaad,”

To finally…

“Happy birthday to you!”

Stop hanging around that damn ogre!

His birthday was on a warm April day, and oh, so many people showed up. Cause that’s what they do for the rich and famous. Show up, sing, laugh, smile, praise, give. They do everything in their power to make the rich in question feel special, all in the hope that they might be rewarded for it afterwards. Not Fiona though. It could be the fact she’s a literal princess, but her… interesting way of thinking would’ve made her act the same way even if she was on the verge of living on the streets. No matter how much she needed his help, Fiona would still choose honesty instead of putting on an act. That’s why, while everyone tried their best to sweet talk and spoil Farquaad on his 17th birthday, Fiona didn’t even bother to show up. She was too busy. Too busy hanging out with Shrek.

“Hey, Farquaad, don’t let her bum you out. Look at the bright side, the one and only Fairy Godmother showed up for you!”

Rapunzel seemed to try her best to cheer him up, but he just stood up from the couch they were seated on and started heading over to his parents.

“I’ll be right back. I have to ask my father something.”

“…Okay! I’ll be right here when you’re back..!”

Farquaad simply gave her a quick, dismissive wave, but before he could take another step, he was dragged into the hallway.

“Farquaad, you will help me out with something.”

“Prince Charming?”

A smirk appeared on Charming’s previously serious face when he was instantly recognised within 10 seconds of being in Farquaad’s presence.

“Oh, stop it, you flatter me”

“But I didn’t say anything-”

“Anyway! I figured by the way you glared at Shrek in science class that you don’t like him, and I don’t like him either, so let’s ruin his life and make Fiona hang out with us again like the old days, okay?”

Farquaad raised an eyebrow at his previous “friend of a friend” if you could call their and Fiona’s situationships a friendship.

“And what’s in it for me?”

“What do you mean? What happened to the whole “an enemy of my enemy is my friend” thing? Are you really not going to help me out after all that we’ve been through?”

Charming was not even trying to hide the fact he felt insulted. Before Farquaad could answer, their conversation was cut short by a certain pretty princess.

“Hey Farquaad, where did you go- Prince Charming!?”

“Rapunzel!?” Farquaad exclaimed

“That one girl from that one night!?” Said Charming with a surprised look, as if seeing her again was like seeing the solar eclipse twice in a lifetime.

“Wait, what? Rapunzel, you slept with this guy?” Farquaad asked while giving Rapunzel a judgy look. That was like getting called ten different slurs in the span of 5 seconds for Rapunzel if her expression meant anything.

“What- no! We worked on a school project together a few months back- what are you two doing anyway?”

Charming ran a hand through his hair, and a smug grin formed on his face as he leaned against the wall in front of Rapunzel.

“Rapunzel, right? Be a good girl and tell your friend to help me out with something, alright?”

That’s how the trio formed.

Charming, king of the school.

Rapunzel, queen bee of the school.

And Farquaad, lord of the school.

With them being the power trio, senior year is going to be interesting, won’t it?

Chapter Text

What do you do when your only plan doesn’t work out?

Farquaad was sure getting Fiona was what his destiny had in store for him. That’s all he’s known since he was a child. So what was he supposed to do when suddenly(or not so suddenly) Fiona didn’t even spare him a glance? Surely it wasn't all over just like that, right? I mean, this is nonsensical! She was acting as if they had a say in all this! Not only that, but out of all the people she could’ve replaced him with, she chose that Shrek!? Had Farquuad stooped so low that even an ogre was a better option than him!? That is absolutely absurd!

right? 

It doesn’t make sense, right?

”…And then- Farquaad, are you listening?”

Farquaad snapped out of his train of thoughts, and was met with a passive aggressive glare from Charming. He simply blurted out a ”Huh? No, I’m busy.” and went right back to biting his nail. That obviously didn’t last long, as Charming’s scowl became more prominent.

”Busy ignoring me. What are you thinking about that’s more important than what I did yesterday?”

Rapunzel, who clearly was too busy admiring Charming to listen to his babbling just a minute ago, gave a nod, and slapped Farquaad’s hand. ”Stop biting your nails Farquaad, it’s disgusting”

“Whatever. Frankly, Charming, I don’t care about how you spent your Sunday afternoon.”

”Shhhh- yes you do, no shut up and glare.” Charming said, and all three of them spared no time to look up and snarl. Just as expected, a familiar ogre and his donkey friend were walking right by them.

”Ew.. what’s this smell..? Charming, Farquaad, do you smell it too?”

”Someone has been bathing in mud, I see..” 

“Charming, that’s unironically basic knowledge. Ogres have always bathed in mud.”

Farquaad’s comment received a glare from Charming, Rapunzel, and the Donkey, who was clearly not going to let that slide.

”Hey! That’s my dude you’re talking about! So what if he takes baths i mud instead of water like every normal being?”

”Donkey.” 

“And what if he smells like a sweaty, greasy palms covered in baby doodoo?”

The ogre facepalmed, and unsuccessfully attempted(stopped by the talking donkey) to walk away. ”That’s enough, Donkey.”

”And what if he eats raw onions and uses them as deodorant?”

”Donkey! Where did that even come from!?”

The trio were pretty transparent about their disgust, Charming even gagging a bit. Farquaad rolled his eyes, grimacing not at the unwanted info dump about the ogre, but rather at his entire kind.

”Sometimes I wonder what father was thinking, letting creatures like you wander around in our otherwise perfect school.”

”Hey, ‘creatures’ like my man also include Fiona, FYI!”

And that was the last thing the annoying donkey said before getting dragged away from the green figure.

That did make Farquaad think though. Why was it that fairytale creatures like that were allowed to attend the school? Even worse, why’d they engage him to one of them? He’d heard his parents talk about how outrageous they were, and he knew the engagement was so he could become the next heir to the throne, but was enrolling them in the school really necessary? This is Duloc high, for Christ’s sake! Only the best of the best could attend here! And yet, he is stuck attending school with uneducated animals like them.

The ringing bell, signalling the start of third period, stopped his train of thoughts once more. Charming started heading to class with Rapunzel attached to his arm, telling him something about a new dress of hers, and Farquaad soon started walking too.

Lucky as he was, he bumped into someone while lost in thought.

“Watch where you’re go- you again!?”

”Oh, great. What do you want?” Huh. The donkey wasn’t around this time.

”I see the donkey ditched you. Maybe you should do the same with Fiona before you corrupt her any further.”

”Corrupt her? What are you talking about?” Shrek raised an eyebrow, already losing his patience.

“Let’s get it straight, a Princess like Fiona should not hang around an ogre like you. I think we both know that.”

”What does that have to do with anything? Why are you even talking to me?”

”Listen here, ogre, you better stay away from her, or else I will make sure my father expels you from Duloc High!”

”While you’re at it, remind him I asked for no roommates, will you?”

”Ugh! You’re such a pain! How does Fiona hang out with you!?”

”Simple, really. I don’t have the personality and height of a gremlin.”

“Shut it! You have quite the nerve talking to me like that-”

“Farquaad!” Both Shrek and Farquaad stopped in their tracks at the sound of that voice. Farquaad looked away to face the princess who called out for him just now.

”Fiona?”

”Farquaad, are you bothering Shrek again?” Fiona asked with a rather peeved expression. Even though he wasn’t done here yet, he knew he had to give it up.

”Not at all. I was just about to go to class, actually.”

With that, Farquaad shot Shrek a quick scowl, and started walking off.

He didn’t go to class. Instead, he went out to the fountain behind the school. It wasn’t anything great, so the only people who went there were the couples, the loners, or the drug addicts coming to buy the zaza from a certain orange cat with a hat and boots. Luckily, there wasn’t any of that at the moment.

Bothering Shrek again? Right. Cause that’s what she cares about. What if he’s the one bothering me?

Stupid question, Farquaad. Fiona doesn’t care. Which is a problem. If it was simply because he liked her, he could’ve probably gotten over it, but who they end up with is not their choice to make. Why was Fiona acting like it was?

”Farquaad, this is Fiona. When you grow up and turn 18, she will become your wife.”

At the ripe age of 6, Farquaad got engaged with Fiona. He still remembers that day. He had cut his own bangs the night before, which his mom had to straighten up later, and was wearing a white suit with golden details. Standing proud, listening to his father introduce him to Princess Fiona, he watched the red head standing in front of him with a glowing smile.

“Are you Lord Farquaad? I like your bangs!”

”you do? I’ll keep them like this then!”

Might come as a surprise to some people, considering Fiona avoids him like the plague now, but they used to get along just fine. He doesn’t know what he did to make her suddenly hate him like that.

Either way, that doesn’t matter. Fiona has to get her shit together and stop this whole Shrek nonsense someday. Farquaad just knows his parents won’t be happy if Fiona suddenly rejects the marriage. Therefore, he has to prevent that from happening. How? He has no idea, but something will surely come to mind. After all, he has a lot of time to think.