Chapter Text
"Hi, Yuzu!" Javier greeted him brightly when he took the ice for rehearsal on the day before the first show.
Yuzuru just looked beyond him. Javier shrugged, being used by now to Yuzuru's moods, as well as to the way he got super focused on training, ignoring everything around him.
Yuzuru didn't look Javier's way all throughout the rehearsal. Only at the end, when they were cooling off, Yuzuru veered towards Javier abruptly.
"Where were you?"
"Huh?" Javier asked, taken aback at the sudden question.
Yuzuru rolled his eyes pointedly. Javier was so slow sometimes. At some point after he retired, Javier had stopped reading Yuzuru's mind. It happened suddenly, and without warning. Or did it happen gradually, and Yuzuru was just unable to figure out the hints? In any case, it happened. Now they were awkward with each other at times, downright bitter at others, but still clinging to the same bone-deep affection that turned them from rivals to nakama. Bonded, and still unwilling to let go of each other.
And that's why when Yuzuru knew Javier would be on the ice with him, he would feel relaxed, secure, confident... happy. Yes, happy. He was so happy yesterday just thinking Javier would be there at the first rehearsal. But Javier wasn't there. When Yuzuru realized Javier was not going to arrive, he felt disappointed, then sad, then angry because he was sad and disappointed. He fought down these feelings, even though he pouted the entire time. The headache and dizziness after his injury made him feel even worse.
But Yuzuru refused to wallow in his dejection. He had a job to do, Besides, he was not a teenager anymore and pining for Javier's absence was ridiculous.
By the end of the day, he almost made himself believe it.
That is, until he saw Javier again, blinking those stupidly pretty eyes at him all confused and anxious.
"You were late", Yuzuru explained shortly. "Not your usual late. Everyone knows Javi late minutes, hours. But now a day late."
"Ah yes", Javier chuckled, rubbing at the back of his head awkwardly. "I'm sorry about that. I should apologize to you, right? Since you're... pretty much in charge, right? I don't know what we'll do in tour b without you..." he trailed off, hoping to soften Yuzuru with this admission.
Yuzuru refused to be sidetracked.
"Yes, I don't know what you do. Why late?"
"My flight arrived late. I missed the rehearsal", Javier gestured.
Yuzuru narrowed his eyes at him. Javier tried to brave his gaze. He noticed Yuzuru had a band-aid on his forehead.
"Javi too lazy to go on ice after flight", Yuzuru said with a sigh, and Javier laughed, because this was familiar territory.
"Yeah, you know me, and also, I'm not getting any younger. What happened to you?" Javier asked, pointing at Yuzuru’s band-aid.
Yuzuru shrugged with a grimace, like he was back at TCC and Brian was lecturing him about something he disagreed with.
"Fall", he answered. Then he sped up his movements and Javier had to work to keep up. Soon he was gasping, but he did not abandon the conversation:
"Fall bad? On jump?"
Yuzuru sped up further.
"If you here, you'd know," he threw over his shoulder.
Ah, so it happened yesterday, Javier thought. It was better that he had not been there. He still had an instinct to go over to Yuzuru whenever he fell, to check up on him, help him up, he always flinched in sympathy when Yuzuru took a hard fall. Years of training together and being enmeshed in each other had drilled that into him somehow, to the point that even the distance between them did nothing to change it.
Javier remembered a wild-eyed Yuzuru tackling the 4A in harness back at TCC, his falls striking, dramatic, disastrous, spectacular. Javier couldn’t help but watch, his eyes drawn to the display like to a train wreck, heart in his throat every time, fervently wishing that Yuzuru would land it, but just as desperately wishing he’d just stop. He felt relieved it was not him in that harness, and exhausted just imagining what it would feel like.
“How did it happen?” he ventured. “The fall.”
“It happened”, Yuzuru said. He mumbled something in Japanese.
“Does it hurt?”
Yuzuru snorted. Javier took it as a hint to stop questioning him. He stepped off the ice, out of breath with the skating, the talking, the keeping up with Yuzuru. He felt as tired as after a full training session and the show hadn’t even started yet.
Yuzuru skated a while more, letting the wind ring in his ears. He loved having the ice to himself. Picking up speed, he let himself glide. He still felt a bit light-headed from the concussion, but it was almost pleasant now, like he was flying through clouds. He was annoyed at Javier for his lack of insistence. Javier had a deferential way of treating him lately that got on Yuzuru’s nerves. The power balance between them had shifted at some point in Yuzuru’s favour, and weirdly, Yuzuru didn’t like that. It was a breach of comforting familiarity. Javier picking on him like a troublesome big brother was familiar: swatting at him, tickling him, grabbing him by his neck. Javier halfway between protective, exasperated, reluctantly impressed and endeared, and sometimes ignoring Yuzuru altogether was familiar. Familiar was good. This new Javier was always attentive to him, even humble – respectful, like Yuzuru was his boss, like Javier’s livelihood now depended on Yuzuru. It made a small mean part of Yuzuru want to despise him for it, humiliate him even. At best, it made him want to ignore Javier. He had enough people treating him like he was larger than life. Once he thought he liked that. Lately, it was just tiring.
The old Javier would have poked and prodded at Yuzuru now, asking about his injury and teasing him about the lack of skill that led to it, getting Yuzuru worked up, and riled up to prove himself, but also reminding Yuzuru that he was not a god, and no, he was not alone. But of course, Javier never did that anymore. There was no longer any context for Javier to do that. Yuzuru was frustrated.
The old Javier would have also hugged him. Held Yuzuru’s face in his hands and caressed his face. Kissed his battered forehead. Javier never touched him anymore – not unless Yuzuru approached him first. Yuzuru didn’t like to make the first move. He usually stepped in because he had to, but what he liked most of all was to be taken, held.
Yuzuru stepped off the ice. He said goodbye to it as usual, then went into the locker room. It was empty and silent.
*
“It has stitches”, Yuzuru announced to Javier at the morning rehearsals the next day. “Is why it’s covered. People don’t want see broken head.”
Javier’s eyes widened momentarily.
“That bad?” his voice rose in sympathy.
“Lots of blood. Everyone scared.”
“Oh my god. Are you sure you’re okay to skate?”
“Doctor said fine. Lots blood because many blood vessels on forehead.”
“I see.”
“Do you know what is the most dangerous place to hit head?”
Javier’s mute head shake implied that he didn’t.
“Is here.” Yuzuru reached out and touched Javier. “Above ear. Dangerous if artery here is damaged. Can bleed in the brain. Forehead better to hit.”
“That’s… very reassuring”, Javier managed, eyes wide.
Yuzuru nodded, satisfied.
“I know how to fall.”
He pulled Javier’s hair and grinned.
“Ow”, Javier said.
Despite the grim nature of the conversation, Javier was relieved that Yuzuru’s anger at him seemed to have subsided a little.
*
Yuzuru held his hand out to Javier palm up, without looking at him. When Javier finally grabbed it, Yuzuru had a dizzying sensation of déjà vu. It could have been any of the many, many times they had held hands as they bowed to the audience, at the end of galas and ice shows. But Yuzuru’s mind went to a specific occasion, when Yuzuru skated ahead and held out his hands behind him for Javier to grab. Javier made Yuzuru wait, almost made him fear he wouldn’t.
Post-show adrenaline and euphoria rushing through his veins made him abandon the memory of that occasion, in favour of the here and now. Yuzuru looked over and caught a glimpse of Javier’s blinding smile. He shifted as if by chance, until his naked arm was pressed briefly against Javier’s. It looked for all the world like an accidental touch, and yet it wasn’t. Javier would know it wasn’t. Yuzuru heard Javier take a deep breath and release it on a huff.
“se no”, Yuzuru said, and moved them.
*
Javier almost bumped into Yuzuru as he was hurrying to leave the venue. He was standing in shadows, looking up through a window at the darkening sky. Javier was as surprised to see Yuzuru there, as he was surprised to find him alone, and idle.
“What are you doing?” he blurted out.
Yuzuru smiled wanly.
“Three days”, he said. “Two now. Then three days more. I always wish they were more. Every year. And this year they are less.”
Javier’s heart squeezed with pity. He knew how much Yuzuru loved the show. They all did. Javier knew how Yuzuru felt, in some way, but there was a sadness in Yuzuru’s voice beyond regret for summer fun. He did not take the opportunity to ask Yuzuru why he wasn’t doing tour b this year. Some commitment or other, surely. It wasn't his business to ask.
“When you guys go out, after the show, there’s always a part of me that wants to go with you”, Yuzuru went on. “I know that someday, when I don’t see you anymore, I will regret it. But of course, I can’t. Still, this is my favourite time of the year.”
“Yuzu”, Javier said, not knowing what to say.
This was a lot. Not more than Yuzuru had told him during other times, clinging to him and asking him not to leave. Still, Javier had learned long ago not to take such charged moments or confessions for granted. Yuzuru would wake up the next day and leave it all behind, while Javier would spend the entire night thinking about what Yuzuru meant, and what he could possibly want from him. Somewhere along the line, Javier learned to keep a careful distance. In the beginning, Javier got angry with Yuzuru for these whims, but always ended up forgiving him. He soon learned that Yuzuru was strict, disciplined and demanding with himself, but with everyone else he was like a cat - moody, volatile, charming and exasperating in equal measure.
And yet. Yuzuru was genuinely sad and hurt, and there was no way for him to resist that.
Javier sighed and came closer. This time he dared to touch Yuzuru, while no one else was around - a brush of his fingers along the side of his face that bore the injury. Yuzuru crinkled his eyes at him. Javier mimicked him unconsciously, as he often did. The skin under his fingers was warm and wet with sweat, fragile in a sobering way. Javier tried not to think about what all these head injuries could do to Yuzuru.
“Hey – are you okay, really? I mean, I know you’ve got a lot of things going on, and you’re very popular, which is great. But are you okay?”
Yuzuru blinked slowly, an automatic “of course I’m okay” freezing on his lips. He knew Javier was asking out of genuine concern, so it would not be fair to him to dismiss him with a casual answer. However, the answer was too complicated for Yuzuru to express in his native language, let alone in English. His relationship with Javier was complicated too. Javier was cruel to him sometimes, but also gentle. Yuzuru gave as good as he got – he praised Javier, played around with him and showed him affection, but also ignored him or hurt him. There was always a reason, but sometimes the reason was murky and old, and difficult to express.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
And then it hit him – maybe it didn’t have to be.
Maybe the problem was simply that they did not spend enough time together, like normal people did.
Yuzuru slowly looked up at Javier. In the past, such a realization would have been considered, digested, only to be later discarded. Despite appearances, Yuzuru never acted on impulses. And yet, on that evening, there was a craving for precisely the sort of impulsive action Yuzuru has been denying himself for so long. Holding Javier's gaze, Yuzuru said clearly:
“I want out.”
It was Javier’s turn to be speechless. In truth, he did not understand at first what Yuzuru meant. The ready smile on his face faded slowly.
Is he asking me to rescue him? Javier wondered.
Is he about to confess something I may not want to hear? How difficult or complicated is his life these days?
In the near-darkness and silence, Javier’s thoughts ran with him.
“Yuzuru, I …. Is it really so bad?” he asked. “Tell me how I can help, and I promise I’ll do the best I can.”
Yuzuru stared at him incredulously and Javier was afraid he did not sound convincing enough.
But then Yuzuru shook his head and sighed, rolling his eyes at himself, before clarifying:
“No, Javi. I mean, I want to go out. With you. We’re friends. We go out.”
Even though he was relieved that nothing bad was going on, Javier was stunned to hear Yuzuru accept an invitation that must have been around twelve years old, and which Javier had never bothered repeating after being turned down the first 5-6 times. Taken aback, he could only ask:
“Why?”
Yuzuru shrugged.
“If I die tomorrow, I don’t want to have any regrets.”
Javier frowned. That sounded like the sort of thing Yuzuru said in interviews. He couldn’t understand why Yuzuru would suddenly want to hang out with him, especially since there were practical obstacles to Yuzuru going out in public in Japan, which he did not even address. His head hurt with trying to make sense of it all.
“You’re not dying, are you, Yuzu?” Javier asked, on a light tone, which still managed to sound worried.
“I just want to remember Fantasy on ice as a time when I was fully happy,” Yuzuru said.
Javier looked at him searchingly:
“Are you happy now?”
“I’m… not unhappy”, Yuzuru dodged the answer, then turned it around on Javier: “Are you happy, Javi?”
“More or less. I don’t know. I don’t think about it much. So, where would you like to go, Yuzu?”
“No idea.”
“And will it be okay if people see you?”
Yuzuru shrugged again.
“I don’t mind if people stare at me. I’m used to it.”
An idea was beginning to form in Javier’s mind, striking him with how fitting it was.
“So do you trust me to pick a place where we can go?”
“Yes, Javi knows places.”
“Actually, this is the kind of place I’ve never been to before, but I’ve always wanted to go”, Javier grinned. “And this is the perfect opportunity.”
Yuzuru looked doubtful upon hearing this, and Javier grinned wider.
“Come on!” he grabbed Yuzuru’s hand before he could change his mind, and dragged him along outside.
“Wait, Javi I need- money and – to tell my team where I’m going-“
“You can just call them when we’re there. And you don’t need money, it’s my treat. I never got to take you out anyway, in all the years we’ve known each other.”
Yuzuru huffed.
“But it’s Japan, I should treat you.”
“Next time”, Javier said.
“Javi is always very rush.”
“You said you wanted to go out.”
“Yes, but … not right away! Things need planning.”
“No no, things like this definitely don’t need planning. It’s much more fun this way. Besides, tomorrow you may change your mind. I know you”, Javier said, and then wished he could swallow his words. He did not want Yuzuru to regret this. However, Yuzuru only nodded in silent agreement.
“Maybe you’re right.”
Javier squeezed Yuzuru’s hand, suddenly exhilarated.
“Then let's go! We’re gonna have so much fun, Yuzu.”