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It was back, that swirling brain fog. The fog of guilt plaguing his thoughts with memories of everything he’s done wrong in the past, including what he’s done wrong now. He was stuck in that trance again, lost in his mind as he punished himself for his failures, for the lives lost under his watch.
First Jenora Rock, now Rollo. Vash couldn’t even keep a promise to one single kid, how pathetic. He let a town crumble because he was too scared to shoot, too pathetic to stop his kin.
Guilt ate away at his insides, like hungry sharks to blood, as it always had. The ache of losing family resonates with him and hits deep where it hurts. Vash could never beg for enough forgiveness, it was to late to atone since the dead can't forgive. And what monster like him deserves it?
Vash felt the turmoil of his mistakes boil under his skin, for days now he’s been in a daze, zoning out mid conversation, following behind his travel companions listlessly as they restocked in the next town. It hurt how much he hated himself, he wanted it to hurt. Vash didn’t deserve any kind of comfort for his pain, he’ll never do enough to deserve it, no matter how many people he helped, listened to, saved, fed, or protected it's never enough, he isn’t enough and doesn’t deserve anything in return.
And, despite all that, his friends still try to ease the suffering. They try to lift the burden he and only he should bear, and it wasn’t fair to them. It made Vash feel even worse. They noticed he wasn’t ok, they noticed he was purposefully letting those bullets hit just to feel like he’s done something to understand other people's pain. And for some reason they won’t let him suffer like he deserves, like they see something in a pathetic specimen like him.
Something pressed against his shoulder which knocked Vash of kilter, but he assumed he just ran into someone and corrected himself, until a gravelly voice broke through the fog.
“Spikes, hey!” Wolfwood gruffed, giving Vash a few hard slaps to the shoulder with the hand that didn’t have groceries in it, grumbling; “Jesus its like your brain isn’t even with us Needle Noggin, how much have you been sleeping?” Wolfwood asked, although framing it as a tease there was a subtle hint of concern to his tone, worry deep in those rich brown eyes. Vash felt a wave of shame wash over him. He was already causing more problems for his friend, he hated that.
“Sorry sorry!” Vash said, chuckling and nervously rubbing the back of his neck, grounding himself in his painful reality with a few harsh itches to the back of his neck, stinging and keeping him present in the moment. “Maybe you’re right, probably some bad sleep! Haha! I’ll be sure to get some extra rest when we get to the hotel. What’s next on the shopping list?”
Vash quickly tried to change the subject, Wolfwood was having none of it as the blonde leaned to look at the list in his hands, crunching between paper bags of varying food and travel items.
“Not a chance in hell blondie, you’ve been walking around like the dead all week. Sit down on the bench over there and soak up some sun for a little bit, me and the reporters have the rest of the chores.” Wolfwood pointed in the direction of a bench with the nod of his head, Vash felt bile rise in his throat. No, he can’t make his friends keep doing all the work, this isn’t fair to them, just how pathetic is he?
“But you’ve been going all day, I can handle a few chores!” Vash protested, reaching out to hold something in Wolfwood’s arms. Wolfwood backed away and snarled, glaring pointedly at Vash. “Sit. Down. I don’t want to hear any more of it, Spikey.”
Vash felt his hands shake.
A pathetic leech, that’s what he was. He uses people because that’s all he’s good for, destruction and disruption. Wolfwood probably just wants him to sit so he’ll get recognized away from everyone else, they’ll be safe while he’s shot at.
And he doesn’t blame them, he knows how much of a burden that is, he hates that he’s constantly driving his friends out of town to make them sleep in the desert. But at least this time he’ll be the only one being shot at.
And maybe this time the bullets will hit something lethal…
Vash shook his head clear, stopping the thoughts before they spiral again. And when he came back to reality he saw Wolfwood staring at him with a look of genuine fear and concern. The two looked at each other for a heartbeat too long, just long enough for Wolfwood to look into his eyes and hear his mind begging for help.
“Vash, if you ever need someone to talk to-”
“I think I’m going to go over and sit down!! I’ll see you guys when you get back, good luck!!” Vash didn’t even pause to wave, turning on his heels and b-lining for the bench, refusing to let Wolfwood finish or call him back so he doesn’t give Vash a chance to make more mistakes.
Wolfwood gave up calling for him after Vash refused to look his way, even while sitting on the bench his eyes were glued to the smoothed sandstone.
Vash sat like that for god knows how long, stewing in his thoughts until he felt a tug at his sleeve.
Vash looked up and saw a group of 4 kids, all boys, standing beside him with shining playful gleams in their eyes.
“Hey Mister!! Can you play outlaw and bounty hunter with us? No one wants to be the outlaw” One of the kid’s asked, he was missing a tooth yet had the brightest smile. Vash, for the first time in days, felt something other than guilt or shame. Maybe joy, maybe hope upon seeing the younger generation so friendly and alive.
And the relief that, for once, he could do something that wasn’t burdening people.
“Sure! What’s the rules?”
10 minutes later after explaining the rules, Vash was pinned to the ground by 3 out of the 4 rowdy boys, all of them twisting, turning, and grabbing him to keep his spindly body spinned completely down. It hurt, his ribs were being pressed into the hard ground, but the hurt felt like justice. The shoulder of his fake arm ached from being twisted nearly out of its socket, but it finally brought peace to Vash’s guilty mind.
Then one of the kids got hold of his flesh arm, under the jacket sleeve leaving just his thin turtleneck protecting his flesh as the kid grabbed hard and dug his nails into his skin. And Vash felt glee.
The sensation was almost pleasant, how the nails dug into his skin made the spots tingle with life. The pain felt fresh and grounding, Vash found himself fighting the kid just so he’d dig his nails in harder, almost begging mentally for him to break the skin and let him bleed. It felt so nice, punishment he fully deserv-
“Alright boys, glad you’re having fun but we need our friend back to go home.” A voice broke through his pain-addled haze, Vash snapped back to reality and turned his head to find Meryl standing over them, hands propped on hips and frowning. Vash smiled weakly, the adrenaline from the moment before wearing off but not the pain. Vash reeled from the sting, feeling whole for just a moment.
The boys all groaned and got off Vash, allowing the blonde to stand to his feet and brush himself off. Vash adjusted his glasses then turned to smile at Meryl, bright and happy. “Well I’m assuming everything is done?” Vash asked and Meryl gave him a suspicious look, but didn’t pry.
“Yeah, we’ve got rooms and I was sent to take you back.” She answered curtly, Vash nodded enthusiastically, “Lead the way!”
Meryl gave him a hard stare, but if she had anything to say she didn’t as she turned and began walking, motioning for Vash to follow. They walked in silence towards the motel, the setting sun getting in their eyes but Meryl was determined to not let it bother her.
It was almost twilight by the time they made it to the front of the motel, but Meryl didn’t walk inside, instead she stopped just outside the entrance and then turned to Vash. Her angry pout from earlier gone, now replaced with nothing but kind concern.
“Vash, if there’s anything wrong-” She started, and Vash felt his stomach drop, which made him place a finger over Meryl’s lips and shushing her.
“Nothing is wrong, Meryl. Please just give me my room key” He stated stiffly, his voice tight and uneven. Meryl frowned hard and grabbed onto his hand, keeping Vash in place and speaking up again.
“I call bullshit, Vash, you’ve been off for days and we’re all starting to get worried!” Meryl snapped, and Vash curled into himself, hiding his face behind the reflection in his glasses.
“I’m sorry…” He mumbled, Meryl shook her head. “We’re not looking for an apology! We’re trying to help you, but you keep acting like we’re going to burn you at the stake every time we try and offer our support.” Meryl said, her voice quivering a little, “Vash, if something is wrong you are allowed to talk to us. You don’t have to do this on your own, you know that, right?”
Meryl’s voice softened, her pitch raising in question. Vash’s hands shook again, and this time it didn’t go unnoticed. He pulled away and bit the inside of his cheek, swallowing down the need to say something, to let the tsunami of guilt and pain out, and kept his knees from buckling and the tears from running.
“I’m fine, I would like to go to bed now.” Vash said coldly, finishing the conversation with no room to argue. Meryl looked taken aback, but reached for the keys and placed them in Vash’s hands. He didn’t dare say goodbye, wasting more of her time on some like him, Vash instead practically ran to his room, the world spinning around him as he tried to keep everything inside him from spilling out.
Vash could barely get the key in from how hard his hands shook, but when the lock finally clicked, he barged into the room and slammed the door behind him, just in time for his legs to finally give out from under him as he went crashing to the floor.
Which was a mistake, he should have at least checked if someone else had been in the room. Because quickly a gruff voice broke through the loud ringing in his ears.
“Needle noggin?” Footsteps approached, the voice pitching up in fear as they spotted him collapsed on the floor, hands and knees. Footsteps approached quicker and Vash felt a warm pair of hands rest on his shoulders.
“Hey hey, no stop that, deep breaths, Vash, you need to take deep breaths.” Wolfwood instructed hurriedly, and Vash suddenly realized how little air his lungs were actually getting. He desperately gasped for air, tears streaming down his face uncontrollably as everything came crashing down on him.
He didn’t deserve their kindness, they didn’t deserve his burdens. They had no reason to take on the weight that he has to carry, they have no obligation and thus he’s an awful person for letting them.
He deserved nothing but to suffer, it's all his fault and he still isn’t done making up for his debts. He deserved pain, he needed pain, he needed to hurt, he needed to disappear so no one else could suffer.
Vash needed to die.
“Shit… Vash, look at me and follow my breathing.” Wolfwood commanded, grabbing one of Vash’s hands and placing it against his chest, using his other free hand to bring Vash’s gaze up to meet his. Wolfwood takes a big breath in, and Vash shakily follows, hitching and choking along the way. Then with an exaggerated whistle through his lips, Wolfwood exhaled and Vash followed.
They repeated it until Vash was breathing easier, Wolfwood asking him to feel for his heartbeat and focus on him. Vash listened, because Wolfwood was the only thing between him and himself.
When Vash was finally calm enough, Wolfwood grabbed him and brought him into a tight embrace. Vash didn’t argue, falling into his hold and going limp from exhaustion. The days of no sleep, little foot, and self hatred finally taking its toll as all the fight finally left his body.
All that was left was guilt.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Wolfwood. Its all my fault I’m so sorry.” Vash whispered, manically choking out more sorries as Wolfwood soothed him, rubbing a hand up and down his back and holding Vash tight.
“Its ok Vash, no one is angry, its not your fault.” Wolfwood soothed, and fatter tears welled in Vash’s eyes, falling hot and fast. HIs whole frame shook as he sobbed into the crook of Wolfwood’s neck.
There was a knock at the door, but Vash didn’t have enough time to feel fear when another familiar voice calls through.
“Hey Wolfwood, Vash? Is everything ok?” Meryl called out, Wolfwood mumbles something soft to Vash he couldn’t quite catch before he speaks up.
“Yeah shorty, doors’ unlocked you can come in.”
Meryl opened the door and softly gasped down at the two on the floor, Vash not having the courage to look up at her expression as he curled in closer to Wolfwood for comfort. Meryl cooed softly and rested a hand on Vash’s back, couching down to be beside him.
“It's ok Vash, we’re here for you, whatever you need we’ll always be there.”