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The two of them had thought about it for a long time now. There weren't any barriers between them anymore.
Any secrets. They had seen each other's body in their deepest intimacy.
They were just waiting for the moment in which they would have naturally done it. And now, that moment didn't seem too far away.
It would be a lie to say that Noah had never been attracted to Ronnie's body. She had such fine features. She was skinny and slender. And he did think her scars were beautiful. He didn't just say that because he pitied her, he truly thought that. He wasn't sure it was morally correct to think that, but maybe her scars made her even more attractive.
However, he didn't display this attraction or say it out loud, considering the weight this topic had on her.
In the meanwhile, Ronnie had found herself many times thinking about how a possible sexual relationship wouldn't have been her first one, unfortunately.
"You know, I'm a bit sad that my first time won't be with you"
"Hev. It still can be"
"Noah... you know I'm not a...”
"Virgin? That's bullshit."
"What do you mean?"
"Virginity is just a social construction. It implies the power of a man to change the condition of a woman."
"Makes sense.”
"And plus, you've never had sex"
"What…”
"You've been raped, I know, but it's not the same thing. I mean, the action is the same-"
"Almost. Maybe sex is less violent"
"Yeah. Yeah, of course. That is the first thing. But it's the approach that makes the difference. During sex you and the person you're having it with almost fuse together. You now know each other's body so well that you can be the other person and the other person can be you. It's like a mix. Of two people. In perfect harmony. However, during rape…”
"It's like... the other person is trying to take control over you. The other person is big, compared to you, and you are so small... following your metaphor, it's not a fusion."
"Yes, exactly. See, it's not the same thing at all."
"So, I can consider myself…”-
"A virgin? Yes. You can consider yourself everything you want. I will be your first time, if you want."
"Yes"
That night, they started with kissing each other, like they often used to do. Noah loved to place gentle kisses on Ronnie's collarbone, and then moving to the neck, and then to the mouth. Ronnie was the one who received everything. She giggled. It was such a sweet feeling.
They looked in each other's eyes.
"Hey, do you want to try?"
Noah asked
"Yes"
He quickly moved to the other side of the bed to put the protections on.
Ronnie, in the meanwhile, took a deep breath. She didn't know how to feel about that. She wanted it, yes.
She'd been thinking about it for the past weeks. Months, maybe. But it would have been the first time after many, many years. The first time after she'd done it with Jackie.
But when Noah turned to her, with his calm, reassuring smile, all the negative feelings disappeared. She gave herself to him, completely. He knew exactly how to make her feel better in every situation. He would have never forced her to do anything, and he knew that the situation was overwhelming for her. She decided to let her body relax, and try.
He helped her removing the few clothes she was still wearing. Now every defect was exposed.
He placed his soft mouth on her neck once again.
"Are you sure, baby?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Yes"
After he placed another few kisses on her mouth, he whispered.
"Ronnie, when you want me to stop, please, please let me know. Say something, just a word, or even push me away, I don't care. I just want you to feel safe. Okay?"
"Yes."
And when he was on top of her, before he could start, she whispered
"Be gentle, please"
He didn't even need that question, obviously.
"I'll be the gentlest ever, baby"
And then, it started.
Ronnie closed her eyes. She had never experienced something like that before. She wasn't afraid or anything.
She was trying to capture the feeling. In her head, she was in a white space. The exact opposite of the dark one she was always in with her mind. It was almost like she was floating. In that world, Noah was hugging her.
They were... fusing together. He was right. It was a wonderful feeling.
Noah was enjoying her body. Having her so close to him was the best thing he could ask for. He continued to kiss her, while checking her expression occasionally, to see if everything was okay. Seeing her eyes closed in that peaceful expression couldn't have been more fulfilling to him.
In Ronnie's white world, she could taste the sweetness of Noah's mouth and the gentle movements he was making down there. Everything felt new to her. Like she'd never been the protagonist of that act.
But that wasn't the reality.
She'd been in that situation many, many times before.
It was like she wasn't aware of that before. But now, she was.
And in her white world, in that perfection, something black in the distance was barely visible. It was coming towards her. She didn't want it. She didn't want to remember. She wanted this to be her first time, not a reminder of every past one.
She could still save that moment. She wanted it to be special. She wasn't letting those damned memories ruin it.
"Please, stop"
It was a mere whisper. Almost like a breath.
But her soft voice still reached Noah, who immediately got off her.
A few minutes had passed since they had started, but the two felt the opposite of unsatisfied.
Noah placed a hand on Ronnie's face and started to caress her cheek, observing her calm expression. She still had her eyes closed.
When she opened them, the first thing she could see was his pretty face next to her. His calm, warm expression never left that face.
And she didn't know what to say. This was the first time she didn't feel pain. It was the first time she enjoyed it, and didn't hide in the depths of her mind to escape the situation. It was the first time she'd done it with someone she loved.
It was the first time she wanted it.
But she was unable to express those feelings, that were rushing in her heart like a tempest. She was so grateful to him. For being so gentle. For loving her so much. For accepting her body, and trying to explore it and get to know it.
She didn't find the words to thank him for everything.
And so, since no one ever taught her how to express positive feelings, she started crying.
She started sobbing, as it was the thing she was most good at.
And since Noah knew he didn't have to worry, he held her gently as she was freely letting out her emotions.
"I'm so proud of you baby" he said.
He continued to brush his fingers on her cheek, now wet from the tears.
"I love you" she whispered, between a sob and another.
After she had calmed down a bit, their kissing began once again.
"I liked it"
Noah pressed his nose on her little, button one
"I liked it too. Remember, this was your first time"
"Yes. My first time"
The first time sex had not been torture.
And with that, they fell asleep, Ronnie wrapped in Noah's arms.
That had been the sweetest, most peaceful night ever.